[Victoria'smom]

So I'm paranoid. We have a month or so, who knows before we move into our place. I'm afraid we filled out some form wrong and it's going to come back as fraud and we're going to end up in jail. This happens any time I have to fill out the stupid assistance forms. I generally ask for as little as possible but now I'm bothering for an Ada unit, moving assistance, including my medical expenses for food stamps and housing. I feel bad, and wrong and like I'm going to be caught for fraud. I can't stand this. Every 6 months I go through intense fear that lasts a long *** time. I wanted a social worker to help me with all this but that must have fell through. I don't want to get in trouble. I'm pushing for this too much. how do I get out of this paralyzing fear that cops are going to show up any moment to haul me away?

[divine1966]

I don’t think your fear is uncommon. You aren’t alone. Many can relate, I am sure

Logically if they decide you ask for too much, they just not going to give it to you. The only time it’s a fraud is if you lied. Like if you had a job but lied that you didn’t. Otherwise it’s all good. Police isn’t going to show up at all

Listen, I don’t have paranoia, well at least not in a clinical sense. But I occasionally have irrational fears of owing money, being sued, arrested, deported etc It is absolutely baseless and irrational but I think many people can relate. And I often think I filled forms wrong

My family also experienced huge generational trauma and being afraid that we will be hauled away and arrested or worse is in our blood. It’s not rational in 2024 and living in the US. But I can’t help it.

So I understand your fear. You aren’t alone. Hugs

[Victoria'smom]

Thank you, I have a huge fear of being instatutionalized.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I can understand the fear of filling things out wrong. My disability renewal went in 3 months ago now and I think I made a mistake filling it out. It's been bothering me incessantly for all that time. Every day I go for the mail and every day I pray the paperwork that says I didn't screw things up completely arrives. And it never does. After the holiday I'm going to the social security office to see if they can tell me how much longer. The anxiety from just that one thing is so intense; I can't image what you can feel with all you have going on.

But one of your strengths is planning and organization. You do know that don't you? It really is. You find resources I don't even know exist and with the job I had I am pretty aware of community resources.


It will be ok. It's just going to be hard until you are in your new place and can finally let out a breath and believe it. But that will happen.

[Victoria'smom]

I know my strength is planning and finding resources. It's just really hard. I feel like we'll be homeless in month despite everything. HUD isn't moving fast enough. I think we'll be in a new county so that means all the paperwork all over again. I'm just so scared it's paralyzing.

[Victoria'smom]

So my medical expenses form was denied. Apparently my case worker knows better than my treatment team and says I don't need protein shakes. And denied the whole thing. So **** her.

My t says I'm really paranoid and confused. She wants me to write down my paranoid thoughts and write down logical thoughts next to them. All I really want to do is sh but I can't say that.

My parents come Thursday and our house is a mess Thursday is trash day so it's even more of a mess that day.

Possible trigger:

I wish cutting was accessible. I want to see blood, it would help me calm down.

but I can't it's not socially acceptable. T wants me to have a safe space. One that I'm not paranoid all the time. How the **** do I do that? Everyone's a bad day away from murdering me. I know not really but that's how I have always felt. I'm not dealing well. I guess I'll panic until I fall asleep.

[divine1966]

Did they deny you food stamps???

[Victoria'smom]

Did they deny you food stamps?

no just extra food stamps for medical exemptions. We get $280 for 2 people a month but my protein shakes are $60 right off the bat because I survive off them.

[Victoria'smom]

Want to give up. **** meds, **** therapy, **** stability! I want to spiral into insanity.

Possible trigger:

I want to get black out drunk even though I know I get suicidal when I drink

I want to go down in peace. I don't want to analyze my thoughts. I don't want t to analyze my thoughts. I don't want meds, there is no where safe, never was, never will be. I know because I've been that monster. I've been friends with those monsters. I've seen those monsters up close. Yes I'm antisocial but that as much for my safety as others at times. Leave me be please.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

no just extra food stamps for medical exemptions. We get $280 for 2 people a month but my protein shakes are $60 right off the bat because I survive off them.

I’ve read that you can get it prescribed for medical reasons, insurance will cover it. If it’s just something you prefer to a regular meal, they aren’t going to pay for it. Speak to your doctor and ask for prescription if you truly need it

[Victoria'smom]

I have to wait until February to talk to my Dr about it but my pdoc wanted me to continue them until I say gp because my cal count went way down when I quit soda. So my calories are under sustainable. The soonest I could get in is February. I'm trying to get enough but

Possible trigger:

a 'meal' is yogurt, toast with peanut butter, an apple, 2 pieces of pizza

I try to eat at least 3x a day but we don't have that much. I got stuff for blts but ran out of bacon and bread. So I don't know what to do with that much lettuce and tomatoes. We still have 5 heads of lettuce and 2-3 lbs of tomatoes and 10 lbs of potatoes and chicken breast (that I'm kinda against eating because they're huge).

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

I have to wait until February to talk to my Dr about it but my pdoc wanted me to continue them until I say gp because my cal count went way down when I quit soda. So my calories are under sustainable. The soonest I could get in is February. I'm trying to get enough but

Possible trigger:

a 'meal' is yogurt, toast with peanut butter, an apple, 2 pieces of pizza

I try to eat at least 3x a day but we don't have that much. I got stuff for blts but ran out of bacon and bread. So I don't know what to do with that much lettuce and tomatoes. We still have 5 heads of lettuce and 2-3 lbs of tomatoes and 10 lbs of potatoes and chicken breast (that I'm kinda against eating because they're huge).

Two pieces of pizza and toast and yogurt and peanut butter and an apple is a pretty substantial meal. Are you saying it’s not a meal? Or you are saying you wish you had that?

Cut chicken breast in small pieces. Do you have dressing? Make a salad. Lettuce and tomatoes and put chicken on top. Potatoes are pretty filling. You don’t need bacon.

How do you come about that much lettuce?

Do you go to food pantry? Soup kitchen? You might need to do that.

[Victoria'smom]

I'll pick 3 -4 of those a day and that's what I'll have for the day along with lemonade. Luckily I got refunded moving supplies so I ordered groceries with that money. Now we have limited moving supplies but we can get more later in 2 weeks. I have so much lettuce and tomato because I thought I'd be eating a lot of BLT and my husband wanted salad but hasn't touched it. So I'm going to make a big salad with chicken and see how long that lasts us.

[Victoria'smom]

We were able to get a refund on moving supplies and got some food that I'll eat. Husband isn't liking that my headphones are on all the time and I'm isolating. He thinks I'm getting sicker but I'm not paralyzed in fear these past 2 days. It's the isolation he doesn't like. I see pdoc Wednesday. I have to tell him my therapist thinks I'm paranoid, I'm isolating and not sleeping well, maybe the ED stuff and self harm stuff. I'm not sure depends how the conversation goes. He's a good pdoc. I don't understand why I trust him more than t. My t is awesome, I just don't trust her. I feel she's too squishy and because of that she'll hospitalize me faster than pdoc. I feel I'm just outside her comfort zone where pdoc is dealing with psychosis all day.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

We were able to get a refund on moving supplies and got some food that I'll eat. Husband isn't liking that my headphones are on all the time and I'm isolating. He thinks I'm getting sicker but I'm not paralyzed in fear these past 2 days. It's the isolation he doesn't like. I see pdoc Wednesday. I have to tell him my therapist thinks I'm paranoid, I'm isolating and not sleeping well, maybe the ED stuff and self harm stuff. I'm not sure depends how the conversation goes. He's a good pdoc. I don't understand why I trust him more than t. My t is awesome, I just don't trust her. I feel she's too squishy and because of that she'll hospitalize me faster than pdoc. I feel I'm just outside her comfort zone where pdoc is dealing with psychosis all day.

I understand that feeling a lot. That's why I like being on the ACT team--they deal strictly with severe mental illnesses, and specifically my therapist and pdoc have had more experience with "borderpolar" than anyone else I've seen, so they know not to use the regular protocol for hospitalization with me.

Have you told your T that your "threshold for hospitalization" should be a little higher than what (you think) she thinks it is, maybe discuss ahead of time--maybe even with your pdoc and/or H-- what that threshold would look like?

I would think with an eating disorder, especially one that's actively getting worse, you could get some help covering protein shakes/meal supplements. Do you know if in your file there's a status on that diagnosis? (Like, last I checked my treatment plan it was "unspecified eating disorder-resolved" but before it was "bulimia nervosa-active-severe" so I probably right now couldn't get something like that covered, but with an moderate/severe/extreme status it'd be more likely, just an an example). (I hate how insurance can sometimes be so nitpicky on what they cover based on codes from a book that doesn't accurately represent mental health conditions)

you're doing great even though I know you don't feel it. We all see the effort you're making, and it's going to help you out so much in the future, I just know it.

[Victoria'smom]

Thank you, the shakes have to be ordered by my PCP my pdoc put a note in months ago. When I cut soda out but my PCP can't order it until she sees me and the earliest is mid February she can see me. So i have to wait until then for the shakes. I'm desperately trying to keep weight on despite not wanting to, it's a losing battle. I know the numbers I have to stay above and I'm really trying.

My t and I talk a lot about my fear of being instatutionalized (hospital or jail same ****) . She trys to trust me her risk tolerance isn't.