Depression, wallowing in it

I didn't realize I was so incredibly depressed until my t did a symptoms check. She does one every session. My days are running together. I'm not taking my sleep medication like I should. I'm vaguely suicidal. I'm confused, teary, angry all at the same time. I am possibly having hallucinations/delusional and my anxiety is sky high. I don't know how to label my symptoms. They're just kinda there and I'm kinda just there. Taking up space. I want to escape. My family just called wanting to know what is going on. We can't get ahold of anyone. I can't afford my latest bad habit. I know it's a bad coping strategy. I'm not managing well. I'm almost sorry to say I'm too demotivated so I'm safe. I don't want to be but I am. I don't know how to deal with this. T wants me to set meal times because I don't know wether I ate or not based on the day. I wish I had words.

1 week before we move either to his or my parents temporary or to the new apartment.

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now Do you see your pdoc soon?

I’m sorry it’s so difficult right now. You sound like you’re in a bad place mentally. I’m glad you’re still seeing your T. Do you find it useful?

If I'm still in the state I see my pdoc the 5th. If not I have no idea when I will see a pdoc, this pdoc, or any other pdoc or even what state we will be in. We don't know what happens to our section 8. If we're still considered homeless in this state if we're temporary out of state. So much is in the air and there's no answers. No one will pick up their phone or answered there emails. I kinda just feel like whatever with therapy.

I'm such a mess.

So I'm a waste of space and I shouldn't be eating according to my head but I'm safe. I'm supposed to be doing reality checks but I don't know how when she's right. Hatching a plan not to be a waste of space honestly I have to ask my t how not to do that.

Im so sorry you're going through this. I'd hate having so many things up in the air. I hope things work out and you feel better soon @Victoria'smom.

Thank you.

I don't understand why she spends 2 hours a week helping me? Just sitting here wasting others air. Tons of negative thoughts. Took my night meds.

Believing the thoughts.

Had a good conversation about why I won't be eating meat for a while. H is concerned that I believe the things my head is saying.

What can even be done? I feel logical when I have no proof. I'm numb. I feel like last time when they hospitalized me for sui thoughts. Which I still find unfair I was locked away for 9 days..I need to mask and do the opposite of things I want to do but how out of it will I be by Monday what about by the 5th? I really don't see how anything can be done.

Want to quit and just fade out.

Do you have an emergency line for your therapist? I think she needs to know you are feeling this way.

She doesn't have an emergency line, my city does, I 'see' her Monday. I won't call the emergency team because they'll likely hospitalize me when I'm not a threat to myself. I will hang on till Monday. I have no plans to go anywhere. I just really don't think they can help me and I'm using up resources that could go to someone else. Someone who can be helped. Someone better. I need to be better.

My selfishness is going to leave us homeless and hungry.


I took my sleeping medicine because I think I promised my therapist I would. I'm happy I stayed sober today first day in awhile. I need to shower tomorrow haven't showered since the funeral weeks ago, haven't changed either. I care very little about how disgusting that is.

The voice Isn't a normal voice I can't tell if it's male or female. H asked if it was my voice and I did tell him it was implanted. I also told him what it says and my feelings on treatment. He said they seem to help up until now. He didn't argue with me about not taking my medicine. I decided to because I think I promised t I would and I want to keep there trust. I see my pdoc in 12 days. T may ask me to send a message to him. I see t 4x before that appointment. I'm trying not to pull away. I'm posting here mainly for accountability and a journal so I know want to say. It's funny no human is a waste of space in my mind.... except me. I decided I was safe because anything I'd do would just make my situation worse. My Dr hasn't filled out my vocational rehab form. I'm worried if I ask my pdoc or t to they'll mark to disabled to work.

My teeth are so bad I removed a tooth yesterday. I refuse to tell h because he worries about my health and sanity when I start removing dead teeth. I'm to scared of the dentist and I don't have the money for 4 ons yet but my mouth hasn't stopped hurting since I did that and I'm so ****ed up I'm okay with it. I'm trying to edit so it's not as triggering.

Id classify me as comfortably numb.

wait...you removed your own tooth? are you ok?

You definitely need to be open and honest with your T. You’re going through a lot. Monday is almost here and soon it will be time for your appointment. Please don’t take any more teeth out you might injure yourself.

I saw her today told her I am hallucinating but I'm not scared by them. Told her my mood was low but not the dark comfy one. She says I'm handling everything as best as I can. She also said it's not selfish to want to shower and cook. I forgot to tell her about pulling my own tooth. The voice hasn't bothered me in a little. My jaw still hurts a little.

I’m glad you saw your t today that’s good that you were able to touch base with them.

Tonight has been hard. I'm empty and distanced. I'm kicking myself for not starting school yet. This is my last chance. It's like what's the point. My husband has kicked *** finish 10 classes in a month, while moving and feeling like ****. I'm questioning my worth as a human. I'm safe don't want to be but am. I may go to sleep early. I'm just **** today.

Don't kick yourself while you're already down. You've been going through a lot with all these uncertainties and the depression isn't making things easier at all. My old therapist had a saying "don't should yourself," and I feel like that might apply here. You're doing the best you can with what you got, be proud of that.


I hope you got a decent night of rest since yesterday.

T doesn't want me to do class right now. She wants me to relax, listening to music, maybe color. She thinks I need to be very careful because things are getting bad for me. So I have to check when I have to start.

@Victoria'smom How are you doing? Has HUD worked things out for sure yet?


You've been in my thoughts.

HUD hasn't paid yet. They both say it's not our problem but it sure feels like our problem. So I'm just waiting for the eviction notice but my husband is slowly unpacking. I changed most of my stuff to this address. My t thinks I'm going through low level catatonia and a bunch of negative symptoms. I'm not doing much. It's weird I feel disconnected, *****y, lazy, everything is so loud, I can hear the electric in the walls, my head is loud too. I don't think my medicine is working the best I'm still doing that freezing thing several times a day.

I'm supposed to be doing school. I wanted to get another dog to train as my service dog. My current SD is,like me, not adjusting well to apartment life. The walls are thin. So she's alerting me to sounds that aren't actually in the apartment. She can look out the window and alerts me to people out there. Again things perfectly fine not living in a regular apartment building but not okay now.

I went down stairs today to the fitness center to see it. I also learned when Victoria moves we will have to too. H and v would like her to move as they don't get along the best. He already almost asked her to leave. I had to step in.

SO nothing is on fire but it's not going well. I feel weird having therapy 2x a week but I guess at least I'm not alone with it as much as I want to say **** everything.