Another "I don't want to go to therapy, but I probably need to" time

I've been having a really rough time.

I've been sober for 2 days out of the past week and a half. Those two days involved violence, crying, destruction, screaming, suicide threats and gestures, you get the point (the first time I got high this relapse was because I wanted to take a socket wrench to someone's head).


I have a new therapist who I've had a couple appointments with. Not a fan really. I straight up want to quit therapy. If I call them as I see them right now without spending 15 minutes carefully choosing words (avoiding how I want to say what I'm saying) or just outright lying (which is the easy thing), they're definitely going to petition for an IEA soon.


I'm taking my meds as prescribed (I also was cold turkeyed off of methylphenidate a week ago because I wanted to be on ER instead of IR, but apparently the insurance didn't like paying for one pill instead of two of different doses). I'm taking my PRN which is helping me not wake the whole town up at 2am... every night, anyway. I know I shouldn't be getting high, but it sounded/sounds like a better option than inflicting physical damage on others and myself every time the heater wakes me up or I get startled or am proven yet again that tracphone>iPhone. With my tracphone, when somebody called me, my phone actually RANG! Now... Therapist calls to reschedule? Nope. My VR case worker calls? Nope! Prospective landlords call? Nope! I have to get a mail or email "did you change your number?" Robo callers? Well... there's proof my phone CAN ring!

Anyway. My case manager saw the shovel handle sticking out of the wood on the porch, so she's going to mention that I'm blacking out and wondering later why I have bruises and half a shovel is embedded in a railing.

What am I even supposed to say when I go? "Yeah, I was at a 5/5 crisis a lot, but instead of calling the emergency line, I just got high, hurt myself, broke something, or drove recklessly on unplowed roads, so it's all good"?

((((HUGS)))) It's hard when you don't click with a T. I've always had a hard time of it.

Prevailing wisdom says when feel like cancelling therapy the most, you probably ARE in need of it the most. Maybe it will help to at least voice your feelings to a T? If you can't click with your T, is it possible to get a new T? Though I know the process of starting over is the pits.

If I looked for a new T, I'd probably have to get a new pdoc and case manager since they're all on the same team, and I don't think insurance will let me go to two different mental health centers/providers at the same time. This is the only pdoc I've not totally despised all the time, so I don't want to lose her.

Muddy, you are going through some *****. I can’t relate to most of it but I’m rooting for you 100%!

I’m sorry it’s so difficult right now. I have no pearls of wisdom. What would happen if you were honest with your T?

I would go. You don't have to talk just be there.

I don't know. I think it depends on how the conversation goes and my state while I'm in the office. Like a lot of times I start with the smaller stuff and they ask so many questions that if I answer I "get to" avoid the bigger stuff and it'll just be "call if you need to." Right now if I just outright answered "how's it been?" with "I barely remember anything from the past week, but I have enough cuts, bruises, and residue on my nightstand that I know it hasn't been good" and tell her the serious shyt I do remember, and tell her some of the thoughts, feelings, and urges and such, I am fairly certain they won't let me go home.

Are you safe to be home?

I don't really know. I am definitely "as safe as I can be" at least 60% of the time, but I'm not sure if this is a "majority rules" situation or more of a "the car's brakes work 60% of the time, so we should be good, right?.....right?" situation.


I have so much problem with answering "am I safe" in general. I have no clue what "safe" looks like. I don't think anyone is ever "safe" but there's a difference between a random event and losing control over your behavior. I've gotten through so much worse than this fine, but I've not fared so well when things weren't as bad. So I really don't know. Tuesday I might handle trigger after trigger no problem, but Wednesday I might learn how to make a noose because I realized the day before I forgot to get pickles when I went food shopping "and I'm such a useless failure who can't even remember f'ing pickles when I made a list."

I haven't killed myself or physically hurt anyone else so far, so if it were "yes or no or no ice cream" I'd say yes?

I don't think I was supposed to come home today. She told me to walk and then journal at the hospital lobby and then call her, but walking here is hard now. I don't think it's safe that right outside the hospital the sidewalks have about 2" of smooth ice and no ice melt or sand on it. Half the other sidewalks aren't even cleared and you can break trail in knee deep snow but also that's gonna be work and a lot of shin bruising with a half inch of ice on top of that. Also I was about to freak out in the lobby. So I left and she called back when I got here. She sounded kinda surprised when I said I was home. She did kinda mention "the ER is right there" when she suggested journaling there.

Well, the therapist works in tandem with the pdoc, so, yes, I'd endure the T even if it seems a waste of time. It doesn't seem to me that T can help much -- is there really any mindful practice that can redirect you from wanting rip your skin and tear your limbs off? (paraphrased from another thread.) There seems to be powerful chemistry at work.

But please know I've never felt the way you do, so I don't know what I'm talking about. I just want to show you some support.

Not really. If I don't want to want to remove my skin and limbs, I'll just not take antipsychotics.