[MuddyBoots]

1) Never be clean/sober again
2) Spend a portion of every day hurting myself, yelling at people, and doing shyt like stabbing my mattress
3) kill myself (not even sure if this is an option: I could swim in the Arctic naked after chugging a fifth and end up in a polar bear's gut and probably still be producing and using ATP which is probably the only not harmful thing I'm capable of--but that stupid ATP is quite the enabler)

Was sticking with 2 for a bit, then went to 1, today started with 2, but I'm really considering 3. But I've tried option 3 four times since mid- December and all I got was duct tape on my mouth.

Is there an option I'm not seeing?

[Victoria'smom]

Have you looked into assisted living place? I know no one wants to live there but it maybe the safest option for you. You'll have a room, access to food, no sharp objects or drugs, care 24/7.

[unaluna]

All i got is One day at a time.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Victoria'smom

Have you looked into assisted living place? I know no one wants to live there but it maybe the safest option for you. You'll have a room, access to food, no sharp objects or drugs, care 24/7.

So basically option 2 but with more rage, pent up energy, triggers, and more Macgyvering?

[Nammu]

I’m sad you can’t see a healthy option

[SquarePegGuy]

psilocybin therapy?

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by SquarePegGuy

psilocybin therapy?

I don't really have a way to set up an environment I'd feel safe taking any amount of psilocybin right now.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Nammu

I’m sad you can’t see a healthy option

Yes, same here.

[MuddyBoots]

I'm almost considering asking for some PRN Zyprexa, but I don't want them to yell at me for not taking it every day if I say I was struggling (but didn't want to eat 5000kcal of food and pass out for 14 hours and wake up wanting to remove my skin and limbs which honestly, zyprexa's the most effective thing I've tried for psychosis/mania/mixed states, but it gets a bronze for worst side effects).

[Victoria'smom]

Have you tried LYBALVI®?

[MuddyBoots]

Yeah. I also don't want to eat "only" 4000kcal, pass out for 14 hours, and wake up wanting to rip my limbs and skin off, and be forced to do it every day or get in real trouble for not taking it because it's not covered PRN and it's not cheap.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

I'm almost considering asking for some PRN Zyprexa, but I don't want them to yell at me for not taking it every day if I say I was struggling (but didn't want to eat 5000kcal of food and pass out for 14 hours and wake up wanting to remove my skin and limbs which honestly, zyprexa's the most effective thing I've tried for psychosis/mania/mixed states, but it gets a bronze for worst side effects).

I think that’s when my liver problems started: zyprexa!

[Crazy Hitch]

Can you maybe take it for just a week and see how you go?

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

Can you maybe take it for just a week and see how you go?

No. Second or third consecutive dose of every AP I've tried in the past 3 years mean wiggling and twitching in bed screaming for someone to hit me in the head hard. With Zyprexa/seroquel/clozaril first dose means bulimic relapse anyways.

I didn't take any meds since Tuesday morning (and yes, I let my pdoc know, and my case manager told my pdoc I didn't show up for meds), and I bumped my head last night and didn't even pray for a missile to be aimed at my bedroom window. Since December walking into a slipper in the dark would have me crying, self-harming, and writing "sorry for living" letters for the next 3-6 hours. Other than new stuff (that obviously isn't it because this has been an issue longer than that) I was on a few vitamins and pantoprazole so I don't know if there was an interaction or what or if I had too high a dose of the vitamins, or maybe it was something I was eating regularly (I haven't eaten in about 40 hours at this point. I know.) that cleared my system?

[Blueberrybook]

You need to do something, it sounds like or you'll end up hurting yourself and/or back in the psych hospital. May as well go with the Zyprexa, at least until things even out? I did unfortunately start having high cholesterol after my stint on Zyprexa, and I think Zyprexa caused it, but WTH knows, I've been on Seroquel most my adulthood.

[MuddyBoots]

I think I figured it out. I vaguely remember seeing something in my blood work on mychart was really high in December, so I checked it and it was vitamin B12. I've been taking this supplement for a few months, and didn't stop back in December when it was high because my doctor didn't stop prescribing it so it ended up in the pill pack and I would've gotten *****ed at for not taking it anyways.

From Some Side Effects Of Vitamin B12 If Taken Excessively!

The overdose of vitamin B12 can also affect the peace of your mind. It can lead to certain issues of mental health that may include restlessness, mood swings, panic attacks, and depression. The effect of vitamin B12 on mental health can worsen in people who naturally suffer from confusion, paranoia, or mental fogginess.

It can also cause insomnia, headaches, and nausea which I also had.

[Blueberrybook]

The B vitamins definitely can end up with bad outcomes. It wasn't B12 in my case but B6, I was taking some "super" woman's multi-vitamin from the Vitamin Shoppe or something that had massive massive levels of B6 and all the B vitamins, also while consuming foods fortified with B6 and ended up with swelling and numbness in my feet that was caused by B6 toxicity. Mine was off-the charts high. The neurologist was stop that vitamin ASAP and don't take another multi for a good 6 months or so and then just a regular one-a-day. You do pee out excess B vitamins but at a high enough dose, even that doesn't help.

I hope stopping the vitamin will help you. You definitely need a break already!