Bipolar Check-In #93

Didn't make it to my parents today and I think my mom's upset. They had so much food and barbeque for me planned, but I just couldn't bring myself to go. I was just so exhausted from mass and my Legion visit, which both were amazing this morning but absolutely draining. I feel bad that I keep canceling on my parents, but Saturdays are usually busy for me too. I will have to work out something.

Spent the afternoon just wasting time. I got McDonald's which was awful, but I felt like bad food and a bad movie, so I watched the new War of the Worlds on Amazon, and it was absolutely terrible. I don't know why Ice Cube was the lead actor. I watched it because it got a 0% Rotten Tomatoes score, and I just felt like seeing what all the fuss was about -

Heard Terrance Stamp died today too - I think he's a great actor. I liked him a lot in The Limey, and of course as General Zod - didn't care for his roles in the Star Wars movies too much, but still a great actor. He was 87.

Caught up with some old friends I hadn't talked to in a while too. It felt like a good relaxing day. Going to watch Collector's Call with a Masters of the Universe collector soon. Hope my self-loathing doesn't kick in tonight.

Next week I see my kidney doctor. And I have therapy later in the week. I'm going to have to pickup a surgery packet and get blood drawn too.

Chatgpt says I look like a man in his late teens or early 20s... um try 13 years older

The lawn guy said they most likely took the neighbor to the psych hospital.

Med stuff

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My anxiety ie not better and I'm not tired either. So they didnt even work.

I remember getting sick a lot when I was a kid and being in the bathroom with my mom at 2AM while she held my hair back.

My sister got a lot of stomach issues after her 3 c sections

Tonight I am going to have my TV on late and turn it on if I wake up early

Stricture pain is intermittent which is why sometimes I think my stomach is fine and other time i'm like
from extreme pain

Uh oh. I just realized that I didn’t take my morning meds OR my evening meds yesterday! ****!!!! No wonder! I take more than what’s listed in my signature too. My signature is just my psych meds! But even just skipping those for a day can be very bad!

I hope your surgery packet explains things. Im afraid you really dont understand and or maybe remember everything youve been told about your health. It feels like when i try to gently remind you, you tell me im wrong and otherwise insult me. Ive googled just about everything you (not just you - i google the carp out of moose too! ) complained about here healthwise, and i remember effing everything - ask anybody. Anyway, i wish you good luck and hope you can follow drs instructions after your surgery.

I got the results of my 24 hour urine sample and the results are a mess. Glucose is high Co2 is low crystaline is high GFR is low.

I've been having trouble using the bathroom and I wake up a lot to go.

Idk

Good night all, been a good day, got on the treadmill later in the afternoon. Drew some more. And played one of my videogames which was a ton of fun. Watched a couple episodes of Supernatural too. I like unstructured calm days like this where I just do what I feel like doing depending on where my mood takes me. No obligations. Not everyday is like this but occasionally it’s really nice especially when most other days are pretty structured with volunteering, and building events and appointments, and trying to get back into my violin practice routine since I have another lesson coming up on the 14th of September.

But yeah been a great day, great weekend actually. Looking forward to the week ahead. Starting it off with therapy tomorrow morning. I think we’re gonna be working on the intuitive eating workbook

Just enjoying some decaf coffee ️ at the moment and listening to Nirvana, hoping to get to bed by around 11 pm. It’s 8:50pm now here. I’ve been sleeping really great.

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I agree! That was my first thought. That’s an awesome name for a cat

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But why are you so invested In my health issues? you arent my doctors so idk why you are googling my health problems. Its odd behavior really to get so upset about someone you dont even know.

Gosh, there’s so much going on in this building that I’m not aware of! We just had a pot luck today and then afterwards a bunch of us sat around and chatted. The council was there and oh my gosh! Politics has divided the building. The one that are pro trump are using religion as the reason why they are pro trump. Really I think it sounds like people are just anti change because the council we have right now has implemented good changes like asking for people to write ingredients of the pot luck so that those who have to watch what they eat can see the ingredients. They organized things so they go more smoothly but people are resisting change even if it’s good changes like, changing out the books in the free library . But apparently there’s a group that are talking bad and making it out to be religious and political. I know one of the ladies who tried to tell me bad things about good people and I just pretended not to understand her and didn’t encourage her to keep talking. Maybe if I had I’d have known what’s happening. Boy I hate contention and devision. I’ve been staying in my apartment a lot as the chairs in the community room hurt my spine. I feel kind of shocked by all this school type of conflict. I know people on both sides. It doesn’t seem to actually be about religion or politics but each side wanting things to be. Their way. Think I’ll stay out of the way and let the chips fall where they may.

But pot luck was good. And the getting out was good.

It’s been a good day. It was quiet. Mild depression & anxiety. Sleeping better.

Today started early. I got up to get some things done before I had more grief support group training this afternoon. I'm officially done with training. The next step is shadowing for a few sessions. Then, I get assigned to a group to help facilitate. The ages of the group are littles through adults. I hope I get assigned to a kid's group.

My mood was doing okay but crashed hard after training. I continue to find that social events cause my depression to come crashing in as soon as the event ends. So, tonight I'm dealing with worse than normal SI and thinking about going to bed even though it's only 7 pm. This bought of depression continues to make it hard to do the simplest tasks.

Google is just like "you may have diabetes, Addisons disease, or be in kidney failure."

I do have to admit I use advil and Aleve when mu stomach hurts badly.

I think I missed my pills from, the lack of sleep. It was really bad and my pnurse wouldn’t get back to me!

I woke up at 4am and couldn’t get back to sleep. Slept about 6 hours according to my Fitbit. I feel okay though.

Later today I have therapy, not sure if we’re gonna be doing EMDR or something else. I’m hoping we can work on the intuitive eating workbook some more today. I’ll see what she says. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen her in person. For awhile I was doing video sessions with her because I was dissociating too much to feel comfortable walking to the clinic. But I’m doing better with that lately so today will be back in person which will be nice. Can’t keep avoiding things that make me uncomfortable.

It’s finally cooled off a bit here. It’s in the mid 70’s. Not 90s like it was before. Which is a bit of an improvement. I’m ready for the temperature to drop in the fall to like 50 degrees. That’s my favorite time of year where I’m the most comfortable.

Today’s the first day of the weeklong watercolor class so I’ll be working on that later today after therapy. I’m just listening to some music and having a coffee. Did my 20 min of silent meditation plus a 3 min breathing exercise, journaled , weighed myself, took my morning meds, gave the cats fresh water. Got about 3 hours till I have to leave so am gonna listen to my audiobook in the meantime

I need to vacuum later today. I hate vacuuming. It’s my least favorite household chore. I think it’s mainly because I have a huge old vacuum that weighs like 30 lbs and it’s not wireless, I need to get one of those newer models that are slim , wireless , and lightweight. It’s a pain dragging it around the apartment and then having to unplug it and re-plug it every time I move into a different area or room.

Hope you all have a wonderful Monday! I’ll post later how therapy went

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The kidney doctor went fine. He said theres nothing to worry about. So thats one less thing to worry about. I stopped at Panera and the gas station before my appointment. I think thats enough for today. My stomach is decent right now.

I woke up at 7:30. I slept pretty good. I think because my neighbor isnt around to make noise.

My mom doesnt think she'll be back. Her house is messed up from the fire and she is just not safe to be by herself.

I'm suprised I'm not more freaked out by this. My mom showed me the ring camera video of her saying "you better pray to god for what you've done."

I guess I'm just busy with other things

Oof it toook awhile to fall asleep. But when I did, a long complicated dream. I with others were feeding the homeless and trying to comfort them as the government scooped them up and sent them over seas. Then that accompanied they turned on us and said we’re were surplus and no longer needed in America and we’re gonna ship us out on ships and what used to be cruise liners. No countries would take us weed just be living on the sea. They feed us jerky and a lady came around with a magnifying glass and showed me it had bugs in it. Ooof. Too much political talk yesterday!

Today I really need to tackle the laundry.

Therapy went well. We talked a lot really in depth about stuff and about my past. We talked about my need for constant control and my anxiety when I feel out of control. We also talked about my eating disorder and also about my younger self. Talked about core beliefs. It was a really intense session so I’m just chilling now on the couch at home processing everything we spoke about today.

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Also one of my tendencies is to obsess about being productive 24/7 and over scheduling myself for stuff in my planner for everyday. And how it creates a lot of anxiety and overwhelm for me but that I keep doing it. So my homework is to not schedule so much stuff and learn to be okay with not being busy or productive 24/7. To have down time and free time.

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The pharmacy hasn’t called so I guess their computers are still down. 😟. They will call when they’re back up. I need my anti-vertigo med. from the ER. And I assume I’m not to take the 1 mg Risperdal till my prolactin level comes back. I am getting my level checked when I see my primary tonight at 6:00 per pnurse.

Meanwhile I’m fasting because it’s better to check prolactin levels that way.

I’m in bed resting but not sleeping so I don’t miss any calls or texts.

My liver medicine, Rezdiffra, can be picked up at my local CVS tomorrow after 2:00 with a zero copay! 😁. Caleb looked it up and it’s around $100,000 a year!!!! I asked my liver np in my portal if I should wait to start it till after the vertigo goes away. It’s not nearly as bad now as it was in the ER but it’s still there. Fasting for the blood draw isn’t helping. @unaluna, I hear Rezdiffra’s got some nasty side effects potentially and it will come with a sheet on all the side effects, including the bad ones! 😬

My mom is supposed to get a text from Costco optical when my glasses come in. They said today when we ordered them a week ago but we’ll see.

All for now. I’ll have more to update tonight after I see my primary at 6:00.

EDIT: well I picked up the anti vertigo med and the Risperdal 1 mg. My liver dr portal messaged me and said I have to be “more stable and fewer ER visits” before I start the Rezdiffra. She said to still pick it up tomorrow but get in touch with her around a month from now and maybe we’ll start it then.

I think the mirtazapine was screwing with me. I haven't taken it the past three nights and I actually got 2-5 hours each night. It made me both super hungry and nauseous (but not tired, moreso wired if anything) so sleeping was harder even though I was prescribed it for sleep in the first place. I think it was contributing to more intense than usual SI too because that's back to baseline now.

I see my pdoc tomorrow and I'm going to ask to go up on the Seroquel XR. I used to be on 20x the dose I'm on now, so it really doesn't have any kind of effect at 50mg I don't think. Maybe my brain feels a little slower/calmer? I mean, it does but idk if that's my baby dose of Seroquel or skipping the mirtazapine. I think I'm going to ask for a non-benzo/non-AP PRN too, probably hydroxyzine. It doesn't do a whole lot, but it was better than nothing when I was in the hospital.

Anxious for some reason today. Have a test really late in the day which I really hate when they schedule it like that. Spending some time on other forums and checking them out. Trying to branch out.

I am not doing much today - like @Blue_Bird pointed out - I tend to fit a lot of stuff into my schedule and overwhelm myself. So today, it's just a "me" day - it's been a really busy weekend and just busy few days.

Oh and a guy I was talking to asked me the laziest question I ever heard, "tell me about yourself" I immediately cringed, and will probably stop talking to him. That's why I hate the nature of online dating - it's so exhausting.

If I take all my visterils at one time (150 mg) it helps a ton with my anxiety.

My one class yesterday were so bad. I had them period 2 after PE. I had to keep 3/4 of the class in at recess. I see another teacher has written them up for the exact same behaviour. I’m going to implement a seating plan and separate those who need to be separated. It’s not okay that they all just continue talking after my cue to start. Hopefully when I see them next lesson - which won’t be after PE - they will be a bit better.