Bipolar Check-In #93

My cats know I’m stressed. I hate I can only get t once a month. I don’t have insurance for three months IF I make it through probationary period of 90 days. 60 to go!!

Its kinda weird but I just went twice and it was solid?.
I called the triage nurse and she said it was fine if I"m following directions.

My mom thinks its the 2 antibiotics I'm on.

Edit: I haven't gone at all in about 2 hours. So I'm just going to assume the nurse was right.

I got in the showr 45 minutes ago and I am so stiff and achy. I made my bed with new sheets and it was so painfui. Its my statin again. I think I need to talk to my PCP after things get settled and get off it or switch to something else.

No clue why people with munchassen can enjoy this shyt i want to go back to work and be nornal again.

The Tylenol is working. And just being in bed. But man am I craving pickle Doritis and french fries right now.

Feeling pretty good all day - I have some irritability like I don't know what was up with me last night thinking something would happen to me today - I really hate that kind of paranoia, usually that doesn't happen to me. Had a great night and a great day overall. Had a mini freak-out because they are ripping up all the floors and walls next door - it seemed I had some really dirty or unclean neighbors that were living there that the landlord had to do all that now. It's really crazy.

Watching Ace Ventura When Nature Calls now - I really miss Jim Carrey comedy. I watched a really interesting movie called "Tetris" earlier about how crazy it was to get that game on the market. They had to make a deal with Russia to get it in the 80s which is next to impossible. I had a great night with my guy, and had my best friend log into my Prime account so he could watch Tetris too - that way my $5.99 can be used to by two people, win-win.

Really grateful for the past two weeks. It's been bliss. Going on my Legion of Mary visit tomorrow to see someone I have never met. She speaks mostly Spanish, so I am goign to test my skills. Hope everyone has a great night!

Hugs @Brentus hope you feel better. Prayers @Mountaindewed that your surgery goes well - @Blue_Bird hope you're feeling better too. @June08 - I am glad you're around to share with us too.

I’m glad I’m not nauseous but I wish my tummy would settle. My gp told me to get GastroStop but I forgot! Might go to the chemist later on.

I fear the same thing is happening to me as before when I tried weaning off loxapine. I'm starting to feel weird, paranoid and really anxious again. I just feel off. I'm just so frustrated. I don't know why I expected this time to be any different. I'm overly emotional as is right now because I'm having the period from hell and want to start bawling. I've also been nauseous the majority of the day. I think partly because of my period and partly from seroquel withdrawal. Ugh.

Weight talk:



I'm sorry you guys. I hate complaining. I'm just so damn FRUSTRATED with this illness. Usually I'm not and I'm okay with it, but tonight is NOT one of those nights. I'm horribly dependent on diazepam. I hear gabapentin has a similar withdrawal and I'm on a max dose of that, and I've been taken off it cold turkey in the hospital before and it gives me these awful dreams, while also giving me hot and cold flashes and intense anxiety. If I even LOWER my dose of sertraline I cry all the time. Completely tapering lamictal makes me depressed. I mean, I'm STUCK on all this fcking SHYT. If something were to happen and I couldn't get my meds at all I'd be in a whole lot of pain and it scares me!

But the other option is to not be on them and be anxious, paranoid and delusional! (And possibly depressed or hypo or suicidal or dead)

I mean, what the fck!

I hate this.

I know I should be thankful because I have an excellent therapist, psychiatrist and a supportive family and live in a day and age where there ARE meds to treat mental illness and I'm not stuck in a mental hospital life long somewhere, or during the time when they performed lobotomies on people... I am thankful. It just scares me how dependent I am on these meds and how many I'm stuck on. I mean, this is really fcking embarrassing but I take seven psych meds alone (other four are for physical reasons).

@JaneOnceMore

I love your tattoo idea!!! It's beautiful! I think you should get it now. 😊 I've been looking around at ideas for a neck tattoo, something with roses, spiderwebs and spiders. Lol. I've also been looking at getting another Sleep Token inspired tattoo on my forearm, just on the other side of my arm. I want lyrics too. I'm not sure which ones yet because I love so many of them off their new album. But, I have a while to decide.

I've never seen the movie American Psycho. But these days I have trouble watching movies because it gives me such terrible anxiety.

It’s so hard balancing the meds we need for our mental health and the meds we don’t need / need in moderation because of weight gain. I’d loveeee to be med free because of the inherent associated weight gain but I just fear the depression that would bring. Heck I just smell lithium and I gain a kilo. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever be at my goal weight before my wedding next year April. Ughhhhh.

Sorry for the poltics

They are trying to ban guns for trans people? Wtf! Only 2 shootings have been done by trans people. The rest have been cisgender white dudes.

The goverment is ****ed up

I slept from 10 until 5:30. I'm not too hungry but I'm very thirsty and my muscles hurt from my statiin. I could barely move last night after making my bed and taking a shower made it even worse.

Remeber that song that goes "their trying to take me away? I haven't heard it since I was a kid and my mom says its because they are makint fun of mentally ill people. Idk. I find it better then the songs Short People and My Ding A Ling. I'm glad Spotify doesn't ban the songs the radio does

I'm thinking of going back to sleep for a bit. I don't need to leave for another hour.

Ugh the ICE raid in Georgia last night. I can't even begin to think how we'll surivie the next few years.

My cats are acting up. My uncle texted me last night and my sister just texted me now.

Do you mean the one that goes “they’re coming to take me away haha to the happy home where life is beautiful all the time and I’ll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white clothes…”? Because my dad sang that alllll the time.

Good morning. I’m going to the theater this afternoon to see the Conjuring: Last Rites. Looking forward to it. Slept well.

Started the increased Zoloft today and the klonopin twice a day daily instead of sporadically (once or twice a week) PRN. This is only temporary until my anxiety and other symptoms are under control and I can then taper off it completely.

I have a huge list I made of things I need to clean in my apartment. It’s overwhelming to look at. So I am gonna tackle that tomorrow. I told myself it’s okay if it takes all day tomorrow and if it’s really slow going and if I have to take breaks as long as I get it done or at least 75% done. If I don’t finish it completely whatever’s left I can do the next day. But I want the bulk of it done tomorrow. I’ve just been putting this off for too long due to procrastination.

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Just realized that when I was manic I enrolled with a scam college that has now closed. Now they are looking for $6000. I am so mad about that. Why can't it be a thing that when we are manic and not thinking straight, we can get loan and debt forgiveness? The school is so fraudulent and well-known for scamming vulnerable people during COVID. Now its closed and got away with a lot of money.

I am doing okay other than my finance issues. Feeling pretty good about the day ahead, even though I don't have much planned.

Ugh. No results yet and I just woke up at 10:30 am. Took my meds at 7. I never sleep this late. It’s a good thing I got groceries.

Ohh, yesterday evening I think I took my first ever nap in my apartment (I moved in like six months ago haha), and I woke up it was 7 and still mostly light out and I thought it was morning I was like "wow, I slept well! I gotta get ready to get my meds!" then I saw I didn't even take my night meds and it occurred to me it might be night so I checked and yeah, PM, not AM

napping when you have like two a year is very disorienting

I’m back in bed. My whole body moves like I’m under water.

Sorry @LadyShadow that’s a lot of money. I ended up with a lot of debt when manic as well. Financial stress is hard to deal with. I hope you’re able to figure something out for that. I’m still trying to dig myself out of the hole I put myself in financially in the spring when I was manic.

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It’s noon-ish here. I overslept for cardiologist appointment at 9 this morning. I started taking Doxepin a few nights ago and feel tired next day. It looks like a beautiful day ahead.

I showered this morning. I usually shower at night so it’s weird. I feel like I should be reading and getting ready for bed. I’ve got groceries coming at 1pm. That usually means they start shopping at 12:30 and are checking in with me. So I have an hour to get ready to go down and meet them. I didn’t get much. Mainly I needed my soy milk and my cheese.

Shadow and blue bird, that’s very tough spending money when manic. I know I’ve ended up in debt and in a new city a few times when I came down. Hope you both can work it out. Shadow if the college is closed you shouldn’t have to pay.

Thank you @Nammu!

I’m currently in the movie theater waiting for the movie to start. Probably got 15 min left of previews. I’m not the only one here so it shouldn’t be as scary. I’m excited though! Been waiting on this movie for months. Love the whole franchise. Definitely prepared for spooky season

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Thanks so much @Nammu and @Blue_Bird - yes I have been looking into why this school is looking for money even after it's closed. They closed it for fraudulent activity, as they were making people sign up for private loans with crazy interest rates outside the Department of Education - also they lied about being an accredited school. I might have to seek a lawyer's advice. Mania can really do a lot to us and cause us to overspend and sign up for things that we didn't ask for.

I hope you have a good time @Blue_Bird - I couldn't imagine going to see the Conjuring - the preview alone scared the crap out of me! LOL. I can't do scary, but I can do some spooky stuff like the Evil Dead, Scream or better yet some Scooby Doo, lol.

They are still working on the apartment next door so there is a ton of banging going on. My dad reassured me that no moldy things or bugs could get in my apartment - those must have been some really dirty neighbors. No one liked them in my complex, they fought with a lot of my neighbors before moving out - the guy that lived there also kept going in and out like 10 times a day causing my Ring camera to go off, it was so annoying.

Anyway, hope everyone is having a good day - watched a bunch of Xena this morning, and did my testing interview for the day - maybe I'll play some PS2 or read more Star Wars. Maybe watch a movie too. Turning out to be a great Friday.

The movie was fantastic, I really enjoyed it a lot. Also afterwards I walked to a local independent bookstore and bought this nice edition of A Christmas Carol and various other tales by Charles Dickens. It’s beautiful. I had $25 left on a gift card my sister got me to that place back in June and this was $20 so the rest of the gift card she got me covered it. Man bookstores are so tempting. So many beautiful books and journals. I also asked them for an application for a job there, they’re not currently hiring but they gave me an application and said I can fill it out and come turn it in and they’ll keep it on file for when they do start hiring again. A small independent bookstore would be so nice to work in. It’s owned by a lady and her husband. So it’s not a big corporation. Would probably be a lot easier to handle than typical retail jobs I’ve done in the past at places like Burlington or old navy.

So I figure why not put it out there. If on the chance they give me a call for an interview great, if not that’s okay too. I’m not in need of a job I’d just like to have something more to do with my days with more structure. And despite how stressful my last jobs were it did give me a sense of purpose. This would be an entirely different vibe though than chain retail stores. It’d be wayyyy less chaotic and calm. I can cashier. I have no problem cashiering. Especially in a place that doesn’t get droves of people Black Friday shopping or holiday shopping.

All in all it was a good day and a nice outing



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Ooo working in a small bookstore would be a dream job. But I’d spread my whole check there. I hope you do get a call!

Blue bird what a lovely book! Do you guys know about John King books here in detroit? EVERYBODY stops there, even the Rolling Stones. I get to say i knew him when, he lived down the street from me and his dad's house was full of books.

My friend lives in Michigan, maybe if I ever visit there I’d check it out!

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Thanks! I’m gonna drop my application off on Monday. My thoughts exactly. It would be a dream job. Definitely gotta be careful on spending too much on books though cause boy it would be tempting being around all those beautiful books everyday lol

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