Bipolar Check-In #93

No I haven’t but I’ve wanted to, it sounds really good! I’ll have to try it out sometime

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I got some stuff with my otc spendables card

Lotion
A water flosser
Sensodyne toothpaste
A thermometer (believe it or not I’ve never owned a thermometer my entire adult life and I’m 31) I figured it’d be good to have with the upcoming flu season. Idk why I’ve never owned one to be honest, that’s probably not good. It’s good to know your temperature when sick in case it gets too high.
Biotene mouthwash
A 180 piece first aid kit, good to have around the house since I currently have no bandaids or anything

I think that’s everything. It’s nice to be getting the spendable card now monthly. I can buy any otc stuff I need without having to use my actual money.

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Meant to reply to this last night. The squishy stick of butter sounds cool. I remember back when squishies were a really big thing. I used to collect them. I got a bunch of dessert themed ones and hello kitty ones. Lost them after moving a few times but they were fun.

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I just finished leg day at the gym and I’m just hanging out at a park across the street. My t gave me DBT homework (we’re taking it from the top) so I just did that. I packed a smoothie with dry milk, a banana, some whey protein powder, and two chocolate instant breakfasts so hopefully that’ll keep me from feeling as dead as I do some days. I think starting tomorrow I’m being taken off evening med management too, so I only have to do it in the morning. The changes this week (slight seroquel increase and straterra increase) should take effect tomorrow as well. I hope the Straterra helps.

I’m trying to make up for knowing It’s nice out right now though. I’m a little chilly in the shade, but once I start moving again it’ll be great. Gonna head home now.

I really hate that I can only afford therapy once a month - I would love to talk to someone about all these fearful and angry thoughts. Thankfully, therapy is in 6 days.

Other than that, things are going really well. Looking forward to our study too @Blue_Bird ! I know we've missed a couple of weeks. @JaneOnceMore - that tattoo looks really cool if you get it! American Psycho is such a great film and even better book.

I’m sorry lady shadow. I do the same thing and have learned to just live with it. The car stuff is especially bad. I’m thinking someone will hit me or a tire will blow out. Or someone will shoot at my car while I’m driving. I think it’s why I drive so little.

I do wish for you that you could do therapy more often. Mine is every three weeks or two weeks. She is very booked up.

I slept well, great dreams.

I just have stuff I need to do and low energy to do it. Need to go out and get my soy milk and tea. Last time I tried Walmart was closed because of a power outage.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu I’m sorry lady shadow. I do the same thing and have learned to just live with it. The car stuff is especially bad. I’m thinking someone will hit me or a tire will blow out. Or someone will shoot at my car while I’m driving. I think it’s why I drive so little. I do wish for you that you could do therapy more often. Mine is every three weeks or two weeks. She is very booked up. I slept well, great dreams. I just have stuff I need to do and low energy to do it. Need to go out and get my soy milk and tea. Last time I tried Walmart was closed because of a power outage.

Thanks @Nammu - its got really bad for me this morning - I am so anxious about it that I deleted all of that from my post because I am afraid of speaking it into existence, its really bad - I never used to be that way - I was such a risk taker - I used to go everywhere and do everything and now I am getting scared.

Feeling dissociated and panicky. Need to ground myself somehow.

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I ended up scheduling an earlier appointment to talk to my psychiatrist about my concerns about my meds poisoning me. Part of me knows it isn’t logical because my therapist said it isn’t but it’s such a fixed belief it’s hard/nearly impossible to change it. And it’s causing severe panic attacks. So I’m seeing him today instead of the 12th.

I’m just tired of this to be honest.

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Hope your appointment goes well @Blue_Bird. Hopefully he'll be able to help you out today.

I finished the prep drink. It took 4 hours and its like I'm peeing out diarrhea. I almost got sick a few times. It was like that cake scene in Matilda.

I also just took these 4 huge antibiotcs which I have to take 2 other times.

My pdocs nurse wants to talk to my pdoc because of my valium and the pain meds.

My entire body feels like its going to give out
I feel like **** right now

I’m feeling better today. No nausea. Have to go into work tomorrow morning hopefully pick up my work laptop. I have a lesson observation on Monday morning I need to prepare for. Too difficult to do it on my iPad.

Seriously, if I can't get in with a doctor soon, wtf am I supposed to do? Just keep being nauseous and heading towards 0% body fat while struggling to stomach a fking Ensure and a couple crackers every day? I know I should lay off being active, but I also kinda don't want to pent up so much energy I get arrested possibly jailed possibly spend the rest of my life in prison?

So he increased my Zoloft because he said I seem very depressed and that may be increasing my paranoia about my meds and he told me to take the 2mg of klonopin daily instead of as needed (1mg twice a day) at least until my anxiety is better under control. At my next appointment as long as I’m doing better he’ll stop the trileptal since I’m up to the full dose of Lamictal and my other meds are fine too. Also he said the trileptal being stopped will boost the effects of all my other meds particularly the abilify, Thorazine and Lamictal since the trileptal is lowering the effectiveness of my other meds which is why I might still be experiencing symptoms

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So I've stopped going but I don't think I was clear the last time? Idk if not being able to go is good or bad.

I got a large sweet tea from Raising canes and I had a couple green jellos. I'm not too hungry but I'll probably have some broth. I need to be at the hospital at 8:30

I actually feel good? Right now

We'll all be thinking about you the next few days @Mountaindewed !

So I decided not to go into work to pick up my laptop because I look like crap. Going to get my roots dyed now that I have a break from the nausea. I have parent teacher interviews next week Thursday evening and I need to look presentable. Friday is work from home and the interviews are online. I’ve never used the app that they’re making us use so I hope it works for me!

Went to the dr today. I was there yesterday for arthritis in my feet and mentioned feeling sick. For two days felt run down, hot and cold, feverish, stuffy nose, body aches, diarrhea, headache, insomnia….. flu/covid test results at some point in my portal but stay home this weekend she said. N3 was disappointed I’m missing our first choir rehearsal of the year. And I was supposed to have coffee with N2 Saturday.

Hello to all,
I hope everyone is doing okay. I just started taking Doxepin for sleep and slept late this morning. I’m more relaxed - tired..

Green jello stained my insides when I was prepping. Maybe stick to broth bc mine wasn’t clear after I ate that. Luckily I was clean enough to continue on.

@Mountaindewed and @Nammu I was thinking it was a different ribbon color too, but when I looked it up yellow came up as an option for suicide prevention. Maybe, it just isn't really used anymore and they've transitioned to different colors? I'm not sure where my student learned this.

@Blue_Bird your coffee syrups look delicious!

Thanks for the tip @MuddyBoots!

My students were funny today. Some of them were working outside near a giant, dead bug. My students named it and made up a life story for it.

Since upping my seroquel dose, my mood stays pretty good at school-better mental stamina to focus on tasks and overcome my anxiety most days too. I still start getting really anxious once I start heading home though. A lot of the anxiety seems to be anxiety about if/how bad the SI will get. It's like I'm afraid of down time because I'm afraid of what my mind will start doing. It's something to talk to my pdoc about when I see him next week. That and how lonely I've been feeling/how I think lonliness is fueling some of the mood issues I've been having.

I've been wanting to celebrate making it through this most recent bought of pretty bad depression and moderate SI, but haven't thought of anything yet. I wish I had a friend I could go out to eat to celebrate with. I'm thankful I get to tell you all I made it through.

Last night I finally fell asleep closer to midnight. I'm hoping that this means my body is adjusting to the change in clonazepam dose.

I guess I'll find out tonight.

I slept in til 9:00am which is late for me and what a tremendous difference it made! I enjoyed my whole day. Chatting with my neighbors in the dog park was fun -- they are younger and seem to have really good attitudes towards mental health, they are really open about it, i guess they grew up with awareness. I was quiet but not silent and am feeling a lot more comfortable with my behavior rather than when i was Chatty Cathy.

Later in the day i had fun having adventures in the city on public transit. So nice to have enjoyed surfing our network of buses and trains and to come home feeling energized by it instead of exhausted. Hope this is a trend which continues!

@Mountaindewed: You will be in my thoughts and i will be checking for your news.

feeling sad today.