Bipolar Check-In #93

Are you PP or at a CMHC? I'm pretty sure my ACT team (CMHC) has the least amount of clients of any team (because ACT, have to be "approved" to get on the team for having severe and persistent mental illness) and I guarantee my CM, T, and pdoc all see the same at least 8 clients I've seen talk to them or at least ask the front desk to talk to ACT. (They even kicked a guy out of treatment recently because he had an erotomanic delusion about a peer specialist. In NH it's like "oh, you're not getting better with our treatment? We suck and can't get better, so you can suck it up and deal and be threatened with being sent to the state hospital if you try to leave the team if we like you, but you try leaving and be discharged when you CAN'T go to the state hospital and threaten a guy but for good reasons at another DRF you get sent to. Or, actually, we DON'T like you, so we're just going to go through the courts to get you committed to the state hospital for until you magically get better sitting around doing jack all day and being taken off anything that works or die because we put you on a med that's on your allergy list.")

Today has been a great day so far. Spent way too much money today on credit cards, but it wasn't impulsive spending, it was for a computer chair that I desperately needed, and some books I wanted to buy at my local bookstore. But still it was a little pricey for everything. I guess I won't be doing much more shopping till Christmas.

Looking forward to my study in an hour with @Blue_Bird it's going to be really good this afternoon. Looking forward to another day doing the Just Dance on the PS4, and reading some more of my books.

I hope everyone has a really good day today, thinking of you.

@Blue_Bird

Omg!! Your cats are adorable! 😍 Seriously, the pictures of your cats made my afternoon.

Ugh. I forgot to put my diazepam in my med box. I was wondering why I've been so anxious all day! I don't think I took it yesterday at all. Foolish me. No wonder I was so anxious yesterday! I mean, it's been bad. I was popping CBD gummies like they were candy! It was terrible. My husband and daughter aren't home right now. All my meds are locked away. Only my husband can get into them, so I'm going to have to wait until he gets home before I can take one. Boo.

I can’t get over feeling angry and fked for life today. It’s my dad’s birthday and I swear it’s HIM I’m “hearing” in my head saying I should do 100 sit ups and I’m too fat and how bad red meat is and he’s gonna die if he has any and I’m going to die if I have too much without clarifying that “too much” isn’t “any,” (right before he comes home with a frickin big mac). For all these “health tips,” you wouldn’t think him the guy to OD on Fentanyl.

Currently on my long prep at work. I’m taking a little break to just be on my phone to see if it blocks out the SI. I’ll get back to work soon.

So far so good at work though. My coworker and I got three weeks of planning and copies done so now I just have to work on some of the finer details. I’ll probably have to do some work over the weekend because of how much work as accumulated these last few days.

Thanks @bluebird I got my prescription figured out. Apparently I wasn't told the full story yesterday and someone had put a hold on because of taking 2 APs. They overrode the hold and I can get it tomorrow. They were so nice. Completely different than when I was getting it from another pharmacy. I also can get a 90 day supply of clozapine now which is nice. That means only going to the pharmacy once every 3 months unless I get a new script for the first time. Everything else is mail order.

I also slept much better last night. I didn't even take a PRN to fall asleep. I hope today is the same. I'm tired now so I hope that lasts and I don't get energetic at bedtime again.

Good morning everyone

Friday here. Hoping for a decent day at work. Doesn’t have to be a perfect day, just a decent day would be nice.

Raspberry, me too!!!

Papi sitting all comfy cozy like a little old man just cracked me up!

And Mustachio is all "Bond - James Bond."

Haha he does look like a little old man , that was my thought too!

Mustachio always is looking very suave with her mustache and tuxedo

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Last night, I slept wonderfully. No shortness of breath. The Wixela inhaler has finally kicked in after 2 weeks. Mood was much better. Better energy too.

I am so out of breath from doing all this running around and just the general stress of things. My blood pressure is 136/101 and my pulse is 103. My mom said its pre op anxiety.

I got my blood work and surgery packet.

They are gonna lop off the bad part of intestines and then staple good ones back together. I get to be intubated and have a cather and an ng tube. After the surgery I'm IP for a few days and I only get IV fluids and then its a liquid diet for awhile.

I will not be myself for about 7 weeks. I'll just be tired and worn out.

It was a lot of overwhelming informatIon. I'm just lying down to try to calm things.

I start the prep at 8AM on the 4th. Last time it was 5 PM. But I'm kinda glad becauae then I'm sure to be clear. I also need to take an antibiotic 3 times on Thursday and some other med

My mom will be with me during the days and then she'll go home and come back again.

I think my blood presure is down a bit

Therapy went well. My therapist was spilling gossip about a therapist who got fired and her boss would sign some paper to get her next degree but the boss wouId write that this therapist is transphobic and racist. My mom said my therapist shouldnt have told me all that.

I work
In a for profit private rehab for substance use. Very bougie.

I’ve been sleeping terribly. I wake up constantly then go back to sleep and fall into the same dream I was dreaming. I don’t mind the dreams but the waking constantly is hard. This morning I had an alarm as I needed to be at my daughters for lunch and a pedicure.

We ate at a Mexican place with $5 margaritas. Yum. I had a spinach cheese thing. Then we watched the 5 th episode of Rings of Power. Then had the pedicure. The place we go is so much more than just a pedicure, it’s a foot and leg massage and foot wax and hot stones. It’s so relaxing. But all the street parking was gone when I got back so I have to park down below.

I did stop at the pharmacy, I had two waiting for me and was able to order my ambien. I just had to wait for it. So for me it’s been a long day out of the building. I surely hope I sleep tonight.

Margaritas and Shirley temples all around.

Nothing from pnurse or my case manager today. Wonder if they’re working on anything for me.

Omgggg I wish I were the one that did too much fentanyl!!!! WHY AM I SO JEALOUS OF OF DEAD PEOPLE??? Especially the ones that OD’d on opioids. Probably felt reallll good before passing out for the rest of the life they didn’t give a damn about anyway.

I’m starting to go back to the office in the mornings tomorrow so I think I’m gonna ask if I can check in with my therapist. I’m supposed to do Genesight testing anyway.

Genesight testing is very cool! I had it done about a year ago.

It's 7:40 pm and I'm wired because I didn't leave work until 7 pm. It was parent night so I just stayed at school the entire time instead of going home and then having to go back to school. Mentally, it would have been hard to have to leave home after being there for a bit. I'm used to a ton of down time after work so it's weird that I just got home and will be going to bed soon. Hopefully, I am still able to fall asleep okay. I took my night meds as soon as I got home in an attempt to help with this.

The parents were nice. I feel bad that I don't really remember any of them though because I meet so many people in such a short amount of time.

With the weekend approaching, I'm getting nervous about my mood since it usually crashes over the weekend.

The song Brothers On A Hotel Bed is playing and that reminds me so much of December 2020. When I had my rupture with my therspist. The first part of the song goes "you may tire of me as our December sun is settin cause I'm not who I used to be"

Theres also a part where he doesn't recgonize himself when he looks in the mirror. That same **** happened to me after my first surgery. I like forgot who I was and I looked in the mirror and didn't recongize my self. My current therapist said that I was going through dissociation.

The last part of the song goes "now we say goodnight. From our own seperate sites." Thats like hoe telehealth was.

I just don't know what to expect on the 5th.

Finally, a few really good days in a row. God has been shining down on me. Going to mass tomorrow morning too, it's been a while since I've gone to daily mass.

It’s finally Friday afternoon! I can relax! Yeehaa!

Hi everyone!

I got into a community services thing this week. Had to be there 4 hours, but I will get at least 1 appointment with a psych + a refill on meds + resources. But they probably will give me psych and case management, so that's good. I have enough meds for 2-3 weeks, so I did this ok.

Still in the studio with my boyfriend. We're doing ok. Not arguing much, but we did have one during which he shut down (I'm pretty sure it started with me saying things "wrong"... not using "I feel" statements, etc.). I can't remember how it went exactly, but I was close to threatening to break up. Not as a manipulation. I think it was more like he was shutting down and I felt scared/helpless and kind of in pain? I wish I could have said that to him instead of being scary/mean.

I have 4+ medication changes a year. Perimenopause is raging - my moods are different now. Worse...

Sometimes I'm doing ok - but the last few years, it lasts a few months if I'm lucky then I'm back to **** this is getting hard again. But you know what? I couldn't end things, whatever many times my brain says I should go... I won't listen. I might as well keep trying!

Good morning, slept well 8 1/2 hours. They’re having bingo later today in the community room so I’m gonna probably go to that. Mainly to get out of my apartment and socialize a bit.

Other than that do whatever I want today. Working on making my days less obsessively scheduled and structured as homework from my therapist. So the only thing I have on my to do list for today is go to bingo. The rest of the day is completely open. I don’t have to be productive 24/7 I need to learn to be okay with that.

I’d like to play my game so I’m probably gonna do that at some point.

Had a great time during Bible study w/ @LadyShadow yesterday

We increase the Lamictal on Monday from 250mg to 300 mg. A little nervous about that but hopefully it goes well. After that we’ll increase it to 400 mg. I’m almost off the trileptal. Going down to 150 mg next week. My starting dose for that was 1500mg. It’s been a long really slow process doing these simultaneous tapers especially since trileptal affects the level of lamictal in my blood so it has to be done even slower.

I’m debating whether or not I want to taper off the Thorazine after this. On the one hand I’m doing good on it in combo with my other meds and have no side effects from it and I’ve been on it over 5 years. On the other hand I’d prefer to be on less meds. My sleep is basically non existent when I’m not on it. Also there’s no telling which of the APs (abilify 30 mg and Thorazine 400 mg) I’m on is doing the best at controlling my psychotic symptoms so it might be safer to just leave things alone if I’m doing well. I’m thinking it’s best to just stick with what’s been working and not screw with things.

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@June08 have you been reading anything good lately? I hope your weekend goes well. I still need to re-read Harry Potter. Maybe I’ll start on that today. My focus is so scattered lately that I jump from book to book and barely make progress

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You can ask your drs what their expectations of your results, your activities such as exercise, are.

You already kinda know what foods when, but maybe a more detailed schedule. Like some people with gastric bypass dont eat bread or drink alcohol or soda and very slowly sip liquids, like an hour a glass - idk if your operation is similar.

The stomach cancer removal guy on youtube did throw up like on day three, which set him back going home one day - again, different operation, but what are their expectations for you? Obese people with gastric bypass seem to throw up a lot with not much problem, but i have seen them go in for further surgery if they get a stricture, not sure where.

There is TONS of info on the internet. I will never forget the day LBJ - the then US president - showed off his scar from his gall bladder operation on national tv. That may have scarred me for life!

Today’s painting of my shoe, also gonna practice more with flowers later today

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