Bipolar Check-In #93

I wanted to go to an AA meeting today, but I can't seem to get myself out of the house today. It's so cloudy and gloomy I kind of don't want to go anywhere. I woke up at 7am only to fall back asleep, but in those two hours I was following someone around a garden that was dangerous (I don't know why but he was) and it was all really disturbing. Wishing I had one of @Nammu ' s dreams, lol.

I know I have grocery shopping and a lot of things to do - but my mind keeps going to my parents hoping they're okay. Always nervous when they travel.

Today is a solemn day anyway, as it's 9/11 and I always remember that day because of how close I came to those buildings, when the south tower fell and a huge cloud of ash flooded the streets so we had to hide in a bar, how much panic there was in the city, how my job evacuated us and basically kicked us out because no one knew what was going on. Just crazy memories from that day. I guess it's a good day to stay home and thank God that I am alive to see another day.

The team hasn’t called so I’m really hoping they forgot about me rather than are looking through the past 40 days of notes to petition for an IEA.

I feel so good.
My boss just did a chart audit for me for the week like he does usually to make sure that I stay up-to-date on things and not get behind. He wrote excellent work.Hallie i see the progress work week by week. Keep it up.

Speaking of dreams I had a whopper last night. I was training to become a CNA ( which I’ve already done decades ago.) this time was different we had to climb up poles, walk on water and use computers. There was one lady there who kept holding the rest of us up, she was pregnant and borderline. Very drama oriented. I wanted her to drop out because she would not put the patients first.and the others were being sympathetic then she went and laid down in front of a speeding car. I was at a phone booth computer and had trouble getting it started. Then finally it played scenarios we had to mark on our papers. When I woke up I realized I had been dreaming about the situation here. It’s not at all the same but there is one troubled lady who is alienating another and it is not fair. Oof how’s that for a dream lady shadow?

Thank you for the condolences.

Today I’m going to go down and mix with the people.

@Mountaindewed: There is a really neat installation of art called "The Procession" by Aaron Daniels Casey. It is a celebration of life of a queer trans artist's transformation from female to male. It has about twenty figures in it marching joyfully. I got an image of the most-clever figure with a cake spatula as a stringed instrument. I will get an image of the figures bearing a tub with the transitioning character lying in it next time i pass by it. Here is the text which accompanies the work:

"This sculptural installation features a funeral procession of genderfluid, otherworldly figures crafted from recycled materials. Created to honour the artist’s pre-transition self, it celebrates transformation and affirms queer and trans identities. Drawing from mythology and reimagined folk tales, the work invites reflection on change, memory, and becoming. Artist Aaron Daniels Casey blends surrealism and storytelling to explore identity through multimedia creation."

Probably a little messed up that I accidentally walk into traffic and then turn my head and think worst case--which is "oh shyt, that guy thinks I'm a dumbass" rather than "oh shyt, I'm about to be hit"

Ended up taking a 3 hour nap on the couch. Really needed it after the lack of sleep the past two nights. I feel refreshed enough now and can focus. I have a shift at my volunteer job tonight. When I get home around 8:30pm I’m gonna eat, take my night meds. Read for an hour or so then sleep.

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Omg @Nammu - what a dream! I have no idea why I was following that dangerous guy though, there is no one like that here in my complex. I forgot to tell earlier that I am really sorry for your loss.

That's an amazing piece and story behind it @JaneOnceMore - wow!

Feeling a little uneasy about my parents traveling and I don't know why - maybe because they're going to help my sister who I think doesn't deserve their help - I know that's wrong of me, but I really hate how her husband made her block me.

I was in much more of a better mood yesterday - I feel so uneasy, like something bad is going ot happen, and I really hate that feeling.

Aw crap. She called back and got me to cry saying "I can't eat anything." She said she'd call back in 5, it's been more than that. They are definitely trying to figure out if they fill out IEA paperwork if I'll be able to talk my way out of it or not (under these circumstances I'm fairly confident I can. What psych people think is a medical emergency, the ER usually doesn't agree with, especially if it's self-inflicted (but not as a sui attempt) and the person doesn't want help.

Thanks @JaneOnceMore. Its really nice and the story is great. Idk if I have anything like that where I live.

Current events TW



I'm thinking I might need to stock up on my meds.

Is that what they are saying? That sounds waaaay TOO coincidental to me. Like a) that was rigged and 2. Charlie was sacrificed because he was calling for the epstein files. But i thought he backed off on that.

Idk. Hes no king ferdinand, is he?

ETA - Sorry, Archduke! But i got the ferdinand part right!

So today’s parent teacher interviews are online so I get to work from home. I hope Webex works. I’ve never used Webex to host a meeting. I just hope I can “find “ the parents in the virtual waiting room, wherever that may be!

My gp still doesn’t have my ultrasound results so I’ll just wait. Can’t b urgent I’m feeling better, thankfully!

Have you seen the close up videos? Wtf

He looks kinda like Elloot Page

They made me fking eAt and im in sp much pain dkubg kill me

On edge - my mind won't stop going - I don't know why I am edge like this and I can't relax. Plus its hot in here ugh - I've had enough of summer!!!

Please send some heat my way I’m a bit chilly this morning lol

Because I can only make myself feel like I’m being stabbed by swallowing stuff.

So a guy on the bus with a mask covering 3/4ths of his face refused to pay his fare. They’re really cracking down on paying fares cause people keep getting on and not paying. Someone ended up paying for him to calm him down cause he was getting loud then for the rest of the ride he sat in the back cussing the bus driver out saying he’d beat the **** out of her.

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Anyway, my shift went well. It was quick and easy. There were only 3 cages to clean today and not many cats

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A little bit calmer, but I am anxious now rather than angry - some days I just can't win.

I think irritability is one of my least favorite symptoms. It makes me feel out of control. Thankfully, my irritability was better at school today. It has just hit since getting home.

School went well. I'm impressed by the work my students did today. Tomorrow, there is an event in the morning so my classes are significantly shorter than normal. Hopefully, that will help the day go fast. Students get to wear green accessories (only accessories because they wear a uniform) to celebrate the end of Mental Health Awareness Week at my school.

I currently have laundry in the dryer. I probably won't put it away tonight, but it will be good to have gotten it done, especially since I'm sure the laundry room is busy on the weekends.

So far the online interviews are going great. Webex is working for me and I’m able to find all the parents in the waiting room and let them in. Nice parents. Why can’t the students be like this.

I’m so mad they’re bringing back mandatory tenant housing meetings monthly starting in October. It’s nothing but people complaining about one another and all sorts of drama. I hate it and I’m so uncomfortable during them.

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Oh, I’m sorry. It does sound like unnecessary drama. Any way you can suggest every other month? That would cut it down to half but would still let the drama divas have their time.