[katiescarlett]

My life is out of control and it isn't just my illness, I want all you diagnosed with BP to know this. Life affects everything. I am married to a narciccist and no matter what I do will never be good enough for him. He told me I could have "sunday" as a vacation day and he would handle everything. We have a 3-1/2 month old daughter and other children who are out on visitation. He did take care of the baby, that is true, but he also told me he would do the normal things that I do during a Sunday. He did absolutely nothing other then handle the baby, watch TV and play video games. I still had to do the laundry, clean up the kitchen, go food shopping (though this was my choice, he impulse buys, he did assist me with putting the food away). That's it. I am a stay a home mom, maid, treasurer, secretary etc. My job goes on 24-7, I am disabled so I do bring in an income and get child support. Everything was going so great for about 2-1/2 years, then it spiralled down. He blames my BP. I did have a hard pregnancy, but he knew it would be tough but during the pregnancy, he said if I knew this he never would have had a baby with me. I am absolutely totally in love with my child, but I am in love with him too. I try so hard to work on my marriage, he tries once in a while. I try catering to his needs but it goes all unnoticed. Right now, I have lost all hope here. My head says run, my heart says stay. I have been rapid cycling. My racing thoughts are so bad I walk in circles some times. The man who used to support me and go to the doctor with me, no longer exists. I feel lonely and hopeless. Everything has to run on his schedule. I made him a gourment dinner last night, I worked so hard on it. I asked him to dance with me, he always USED to. But he had to put on sports playoffs, he always has to bring up my past. I realize I am babbling, but now his ex-wife is in a financial hardship, she has no electricy, no money. I keep helping her. I do take care of my two stepchildren, who primarily live with us. I do the doctors, school, homework, you name it, The biological parents take me for granted. Now I am giving her money that I don't even have because I feel sorry for her. I asked him for advice and he said he has too many of his own problems. What problems could he have? He has a wife (me) who does everything for him. He asks for help, I jump. I ask and he says I am a "b" and I ruin everything. I have five children in this house and am taking care of my husband, his ex-wife, and her other daughter who is 22 but may possibly be retarded in some way. When is enough enough? When do I say no? If I do, I am wrong. I want to curl up and die. I am trying to focus on my baby....I think she is the only one who keeps me on this earth right now. I cry in private all the time just want an end. But then the bad thoughts come, as I call it the "permanent end". I don't know what to do anymore with anything or anyone. I am going down like a ball of flames. I guess I am looking for a fix it all solution and there is none for the issues in my life. I appreciate anyone who reads and welcome any comments, thank you.

Do you have parents that can help you look after the kids? Maybe you could also stay with your parents for a bit until things calm down a bit.

[Conquistador]

That is definitely not an easy situation to remove yourself from. I can identify with the dark thoughts; there was a time when the 'permanent solution' seemed like the best one. My life is different than yours though, I don't have a husband or children. It sounds like your husband does not want to accept your illness, and saying in hindsight he did not want to have children with you is a hard, cold thing for him to say. I hope he doesn't say that around your child.

And... you help his ex-wife? That, to me, seems totally unnecessary. But that's just me. I don't live your life....

When I experienced dark thoughts and said to myself "I want to just curl up and die", there was some part of me that was still there, some part of me that was still connected to the world that told me I had to figure the mess out and fix it. I also knew that fixing it would not take an hour, a day, a week, a month, or maybe not even a year. But it knew I had to get myself on a different path in order to fix what was wrong.

If you want a different life, you have to figure out exactly what kind of life you want, then go get it. I reached out to people at work, which was the best thing for me to do at the time, because they helped me get the resources I needed to feel better. I realized that my past pattern was to focus on trying to get to a place where I would be happy, and that wasn't working. So recently I made the choice to be happy. It wasn't easy, and I know it won't be for you, especially while you deal with bipolar, and it took several months but I was finally able to find the final pieces to the puzzle that is my life.

I wish I could offer more to you, but I am not a trained professional and all I can say is that I do identify with you. Sometimes it seems like everything we've worked for and all the progress we've made is for nothing. When I was young, I remember learning to juggle (balls, not life events). I spent a whole year practicing a 30-second routine. All that work for a mere 30 seconds of entertainment? Dam. But that's life. At least for that 30-seconds, I can impress the **** out of people.

If you're like me, you want to be happy. It sounds like your husband isn't supporting you right now. I hate to say it, but you must support yourself, and it sounds like you can't rely on him for support. That is very unfortunate, but accepting that reality is the first and biggest step to creating your own reality.

I hope you figure this out!!!!

[Liberada]

[Hopes]

I am not on here as much as I should be lately! I have been going in a downward spiral myself the past week or 2. My husband is totally supportive only if it makes him look good to others at times. Lately he has gotten better but at the same time I feel blue and guilty and regretful about a lot of things in my past I think had to do with this illness and I can't talk to him about it because because he says he is sick of me dumping my problems on him. My husband is a good man and does put up with a lot and so do my kids. I think maybe he may have been saying these words to you out of stress. But I feel your pain and I want you to know although I don't write on here I do check my IM's so if you ever want to talk I am available.

I KNOW IT'S HARD 4 YOU RIGHT NOW BUT YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON DEALING WITH A LOT SO GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK AND IF YOU HAVE TO TUNE HIM OUT IN BAD MOMENTS JUST 2 KEEP YOUR OWN SANITY!

xoxo,
Hopes

I mean it write to me anytime if need be...((((HUGS @ YOU!!)))

[katiescarlett]

Thanks for your input. Yesterday was a good day, but I made it that way and did everything my husband wanted the way he wanted. Today, I tried, I argue in my head with myself, should I be constantly trying to better the house the yard etc or should I stop for a period of time and spend time with my new baby and stepdaughter. I coach her T-ball team and my husband had the nerve to ask me (yet he helps coach too) "aren't you embarressed that she is the coach''s daughter and can't do certain things). What am I to do, I have so many thoughts, trying to second guess what he will want that day is it yard work, scrub the bathrooms, I have no idea. So today I had enough and we are fighting again. He tells me how worthless I am, even though this situation started with his actions. He never notices anything I do. I bring home 35K due to SSD and child support and I don't work. I watch kids all day and take care of the house. But he told me I'm not worth it because I don't make enough???? But he and his ex and me save in child care costs. I am the child care. He tells me he never wants to look at me and how my ex-husband's wife, though very unattractive and heavy is a better woman than me because she can keep him. I left my ex-husband for my current husband. I wonder who the real dummy is? I may take the kids and just go away for a while. My doc advised it. But it complicates sports, school, visitation. But again, that's me looking out for everybody else and never myself. But he's right and I feel worthless. I hate myself for my past. I hate that I am bipolar. I feel invisible to him and most people around me. But again, he states I am a "mental patient", and he's a narciccist, according to his doc but in treating narciccists you can't come out and tell them they are because then they won't get treatment. We have the same doc, but she has know me for 13 years and him for 4. I pray I make it till my appointment on Thursday. But why should I have to take more drugs to deal with his behavior of dissappointing me and putting me down...........I still feel the same way I did the other day, worthless, used, and bad thoughts. I am rambling again, I have absolutely no one to talk to. Nobody could possibly understand that I know personally and I won't tell me mother, she was the one I used to confide in until I got with my current husband. Boy those were the days when he would listen to me and try to help me. But they are gone. Dissappearing would be good right now....