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Old May 01, 2008, 10:03 AM
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purplebutterfly purplebutterfly is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2008
Location: Not sure where i live and no one cares anyway
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Last night, I got home from work and started screaming and yelling at everybody. For no reason, It's like I just snapped and lost it. Then I went into my bedroom and bawled my eyes out. And today I am depressed and very tired, I didn't sleep well last night. I am fighting the tears today and the want to cut is there almost everyday now, it was getting better and I did not cut for over a year and then bam I start cutting again. If I feel like cutting, I will basically use any tool I can find to cut open my skin and bleed.I hate this, I want to stop cutting, but when I feel like that, it is my only way of dealing with the pain that I feel. I do not want to take my meds, I start taking them then I stop cuz I get tired of being tied down to my meds and all the side effects. I have been diagnosed for bipolar, but I am thinking I have BPD due to the rapid mood changes within minutes and for some reason I feel like everyone abandons me or rejects me. I feel like no one understands my feelings, heck I don't either. It seems like my T and my Pdoc do not want to help me, I am totally feeling like a piece of crap, just f*** throw me away I am not good for anything or anybody. I have no friends and if I did all they would want to do is use me, I have a wall around me for many reasons, why should I let people in when no one cares, the wall is up because I am afraid of getting hurt by people. I have been hurt by so many people. I feel unloved, unattractive. These meds have made me gain weight which just depresses me even more. It's like the doctor gave me meds to make me feel better but I gained weight, so how can I feel better about that. I hate this disease or whatever you want to call it. I am tired of this life, these side effects and I just want to close the door to everything and never come out. Sorry that I have taken up your time reading this, but I just needed to get it out. Totally about to burst into tears, but I have to hold them back cuz I am at work. And I can not let anyone see me cry. I have so much to tell you guys, but I have trust issues at times. Sorry, is there anyone out there that know how this feels. I am in so much pain, I have panic attacks all the time. I need a new Pdoc and therapist but when you have no insurance, you are at the mercy of the state, and it takes forever to get into see the docs and then i just feel like i am a damn number. I am so sorry, for everything and to everybody for being like this.
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  #2  
Old May 01, 2008, 11:01 AM
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lenjan lenjan is offline
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I know way too well how you feel, especially the part about having to take what you can get when you don't have the "right" kind of insurance. And REALLY especially the part about hating being tied down to meds and their side effects. Environmental aspects aside, I would like to just toss mine in the river and be done with them forever.

If I were there, I'd bring a stack of movies, my jammies, a couple gallons of ice cream and two spoons and we could shut out life for awhile. What is wrong with me? I have not had even the slightest desire to get out of bed or leave the house lately myself, but I keep plugging away -- I'm not really sure why. Maybe we both just need a little hibernation time.

What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me?
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  #3  
Old May 01, 2008, 11:30 AM
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purplebutterfly purplebutterfly is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2008
Location: Not sure where i live and no one cares anyway
Posts: 1,138
Thanks for your kind thoughts. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me?
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Since you ask, most days I cannot remember.
I walk in my clothing, unmarked by that voyage.
Then the almost unnameable lust returns.
--Anne Sexton


http://purplebutterfly.psychcentral.net/
  #4  
Old May 01, 2008, 11:36 AM
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x_BabyG_x x_BabyG_x is offline
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Location: Manchester, UK
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Let it all out and cheer up chuck What is wrong with me?

babyg xXx
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  #5  
Old May 01, 2008, 11:47 AM
crazybones crazybones is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 346
nothing is wrong with you and i am sorry it seems like no one cares and like life sucks it is horrible when you take the time to look at it many people get hurt by others one way or another i could not hurt any one there is a saying ( forgive and forget ) if only people actually did tht we would be better off its sad you feel so crumby lately i hope you get better it seems like your a pretty nice person who has been given the wrong end of the shaft
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  #6  
Old May 01, 2008, 04:04 PM
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Conquistador Conquistador is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2008
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 66
It reads like negativity has consumed you. I know how that feels, although probably not on the same level that you are describing. It takes a lot of work to get out of that state.

I hope things get better for you.
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