[Keirelle]

So, I have been through a lot in the last couple of years. I was in nursing school, but dropped out

after being totally paralyzed by social anxiety and major depression. Didn't leave my house much for a

couple months, then finally got a job. Was doing okay for a while, then a new owner came in and fired

everyone. Back to not leaving my house. Until one day I just got up, called a hair salon and went

right in and chopped off my waist length hair, up to my chin! Loved it then, for all of 2 days, and

have hated it since.

Next I went home to visit my parents, and just stayed. Called up my fiance (who I have a little boy

with) told him I was just done. Needless to say, while things were bad, he was never expecting that.

I then preceded to drink (and I am NOT a drinker) all the time, making out with random guys, dressing

in much tighter clothing than usual. I got my own place and managed to keep it perfectly spotless at

all times, despite always having people over drinking, and previous to this NEVER being able to keep

things organized. Oh and the baking- I bake and bake constantly when I am like that. I took up

running. Yoga. Knitting. Oh and I became obsessed with the concept of "whole foods" so I was eating

nothing processed, making everything myself, etc...

Everything was so EASY.

And then the bottom dropped out. I can't seem to get anything done, I am struggling with my job, I can

barely drag myself out of bed most of the time, I went back to self injury (managing to give myself a

nasty infection this time too), and I have basically stopped seeing my friends.

Thankfully my fiance forgave me for everything (given we have been together for 9 years, he has seen

it all with me) but during our split, he told his bipolar sister all about the crap going on with me,

my horrible shifts in mood, etc. And she suggested that I may be bipolar.

Here is my concern: I am always convinced that whatever is wrong with me I am somehow

over-exaggerating. I fear telling a doc about my problems, only for them to tell me it is nothing, or

that I am faking, or some such thing. Though I realize, this is probably due to my anxiety issues more

than anything.

I guess me being bipolar was never an option. I mean, when I look at it now, well I guess it could

have been hypomania, but what if that's just me? I have been like that as long as I can remember, any

sort of diagnosis means I am not ME, but me hidden behind an illness.

All that said, I have not been diagnosed as bipolar. Even when I was seeing a pdoc (for the anxiety) I

lied to her when I knew she was asking me questioned pertaining to bipolar, because I am always

convinced that I am the one making things SEEM worse than they are (if that even makes sense). Anyway,

I am just exhausted with it all and don't even know what to think, let alone how to mention all this

to a pdoc, without telling them outright what I think it could be (because then, well wouldn't they

get pissy at me for 'self diagnosing')?

Oh how I wish my brain would just shut up.

[AnnHertel]

holy smokes that was a long post I am too tired (self medicated my current hypo mania with xanax and vicodin (for my tooth ache)... so I don't have the energy to write half of what I want to. I have been putting up a lot of posts on my blog site about daily stuff I deal with, a lot of which sounds like you. maybe reading that will help you not feel so alone in all of this. if I can help you in any way, please let me know.

~Ann

[Slothrop]

Sure sounds like bipolar to me.

Check it out with a psychiatrist. They shouldn't get mad at you for "self-diagnosing"...if they do, I think you should go to someone else!

I'm glad you've come here. It sounds like you could really use help with this.

[GeneticlyBipolar1]

TELL IT SISTER ! Yes I have been on some paths, and look up the next day, or when it's over or somehow subsided, and thought to myself, what the HELL. I know what you mean. GO GO GO ! Do the eveluation, be diagnosed, start treatment, it's gonna get worst. Or more often. I just contacted Mental Health, and am waiting for my referrel, and am desparate to have this treatment in my life. I want to be able to function on an even stae. My husband says I'm up, then I'm down. Never even. And it sucks. I have done all that and it is really stunning, OMG. From one ROOKIE to another, I don't know who is worse between us, cause I got the same description as you to actions and thought patterns. But we need not wait any longer. GIVE IT UP, it is YOU. I admitt to myself now, that it is ME ! I wanna be more rational, more calm, more consistant. You can read my thread on FEELING CRAZED, I told my story for the first time on here. But don't wait, I made the call last week, DO IT . <3

[theama]

Up until the point where you wrote about your doctor, I was thinking "Uhuh, uhuh, mania uhuh, depression, uhuh.. what's the problem?".

You sure sound bipolar to me, textbook example. I would get a new doctor ASAP, and get a psychiatrist and tell him/her about all of that and be HONEST. Then I'd ask for the SCID-II test, and as long as you allow yourself to answer honestly - you will get a straight answer.

[BlueFaith]

I agree that you should get to a mental health professional so that you can be properly diagnosed. Just be open and honest with them so that you can get the real help you need. You don't have to live without knowing what the problem is indefinitely. I don't think they will judge you for being open and forthright with them. It's what you NEED to do. It might be hard, but it will all be worthwhile in the long run. There are medications out there that can help you... and psychotherapy, too. You don't have to face this alone. I hope you go to a psychiatrist and get the help you need. It will make a world of difference in your life. It took me awhile to go and get a diagnosis, too. I went through the same feelings... that maybe they wouldn't believe me and all that stuff. But, I was wrong. I'm so glad I made the decision to get professional treatment. Now, I couldn't be doing better. Just have to try your best to put things in action and get the ball rolling!! We are here behind you 100%. I wish you all the best!!

[Keirelle]

Thanks everyone!

I am still having the same feeling about it all, but I did call to get in to the mental health centre here. Unfortunately, it takes a long time to get into a doctor/pdoc. I do have a meeting with the intake counselor next week, and I kind of hope that when I explain it all to her she will understand the extent of this and speed things up for me. It has been going on for SO LONG, and I am just exhausted. Right now I am in the midst of a crappy depression- going into the third week, and I am just desperate for some help. I am so tired of getting this down. I am a preschool teacher and it is soo hard to fake happy for little kids!

As far as I can tell, I am basically depressed or 'flat' for most of fall/winter, but come spring I go kinda crazy. Granted, there are highs and lows in between, but just average days, it seems to follow that pattern. Right now though, it is tiring just to get my butt out of bed. So much so that I am very tempted to just quit work, even though it isn't an option money wise.

Sigh.

[Cthomas]

My life in a nutshell. Sounds like me all over the place, dropping friends for months, the self injury.

Hope you can get to feeling better too. I'm in a spot where I don't want to be around others either

Pm if u want. Take care
Colleen

[AnnHertel]

Originally Posted by Keirelle

As far as I can tell, I am basically depressed or 'flat' for most of fall/winter, but come spring I go kinda crazy.

It certainly sounds like Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, to me. I;m glad you contacted the health center, and I hope they can speed up the process for you to get some help!!!

Here is a link for some more information about SAD, from the Mayo Clinic:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sea...sorder/DS00195

I hope you are feeling better soon!

[theama]

Aaah yeah, that changes things a bit. Lots of people are affected by the seasons that way; pretty much all Norwegians are like that lol. Depressed and moody in the winter, and going crazy and ripping our clothes off in the summer.
I don't know where you live, but if you live somewhere where there isn't any sunlight in the winter (or max 2-3 hours per day), it's pretty normal. Annoying, painful and self-destructive, yes, but more common that you think.

It COULD also be that you are bipolar, but triggered by the seasons. Either way, I suggest you get one of those lamps that simulate natural sunlight - they're very effective when it comes to winter depression. Go buy one! I think tanning beds have some of the same effect as well, I'm not sure.
Pretty much everyone here has one of those lamps, that's how much the lack of sunlight in the winter affects us. I never see daylight anyway, so I'm not affected lol.
They are somewhat expensive though, but worth it.

I think it's important that you start fighting this depression asap, and don't just give up and let the depression take over. Try exercising, and also eating a lot of chocolate. Just don't eat so much that you gain weight; but chocolate releases endorphine - which makes us happy, yay! And take care of your body; take your vitamins, reduce junk/unhealthy food, don't stress etc. And make sure that your surroundings are clean and tidy.
Yeah, all those things actually do help somewhat - but they're hard to do if you're depressed... except the eating chocolate bit maybe.

I hope it won't take too long before you get a psychiatrist, your regular doctor should be able to prescribe antidepressives if there's a need for it - but if you're bipolar you should be a bit careful we those; they can make us go a bit... crazy. Plus your doctor sounds like a jerk.

[Keirelle]

I HAVE antidepressants. I have been dealing with depression itself for a very long time.. certainly NOT new to that at all, but I have noticed the up moods getting crazier and I do crazier things during those times.

I have always been affected by the seasons, even as a child, but now it is a complete change, though I still go up and down throughout all seasons, just not as high or as low as the big seasonal ones.. if that makes sense at all.

[GeneticlyBipolar1]

Hey everyone, speaking of being down, like to the DOWN point, lol. I have so much going on right now, at one point in the last couple months, Iv'e went so far as to suspect my husband of cheating, or attempting too. But his scape-goat is, " oh, your'e acting crazy, It's your Bipolar " . And I feel enormously stressed because I don't know if I am on the right track, like is he ? Or am I acting crazy. But even when I know for sure that he is wrong about something else, he just lies, and says I'm acting crazy. So I have a huge trust issue with him, and most of my friends he would encourage me to cut-off for reasons that suited him. Remind you , we have no sittter, so technically he wanted me in the house with the kids so he can hang out with the guys , and usually I cut-off the friends for some MANIC reason maybe. And some for good reasons. So I feel like I am not on point with myself, and he's the beneficiary from it. I hope someone understands what I just said. But yeah, Keirelle's story is a prime example of my existance. I remember calling off work one day, because I wanted to hang out at home and be sad that day. I believe I drank wine and smoked cigarettes, and cried periodically that day. When it was time to pick my daughter up from daycare, and my husband to come home. I redressed as if I had went to work and in a weird way, to me I had gotten it all out. I felt pretty good the remainder of the day.