I GIVE UP!!!

i made a decision! i decided that i'm not going to be "bipolar" anymore.
im just going to sink into the dark back alleys of society. im tired of trying to wear a mask that is "socially" acceptable! my own standards of myself are set so high that i will never be satisfied with myself anyway. so i decided to spare myself the trouble.
i have indulged in the effort to gain my composure for too long, and my time is up.
so if you see me tending bar next time you visit los angeles, don't be surprised.
beauty and brains are no match for the indescriminate destruction of bipolar disorder.

Honestly not sure what to say dear. As I can understand how you feel, ditto...

But I see so much in you. I have read many of your posts, not replied to much as words just don't come easy lately.

You are worth more than giving in. And time can be on your side as you will continue to grow. One thing about time is it never stops. I can feel the pain as I read your posts and I am so sorry for all that you have been through. It makes sense to us when we feel this way to give up and say to hell with it all. But we all know you are worth more than giving in to this illness.

Society sucks!! They have this unrealistic idea of what we should all be. But we are all different. Take anyone for an example. Just pick a person that you may know: can be famous or someone you see as a successful individual. At any given time in their life, illness can hit them. It could be bipolar, cancer, any type of illness. How do you think they would deal with it? I am sure they would have many feelings of hoplessness as well, as they are human. We can't just wish illness away, it would be a perfect world then. And as vindictive as this may sound: its others that place this stigma on mental illness that I wish would hit them. I don't like to say things like this as I dont like to see pain and suffering. But its those in this world that need a reality check--and a harsh one at that. Lets see how "easy life is" for them.

So not that this helped any, sorry dear. What I am wanting to say is that I do feel for you in the most sincere ways I can. And I hate to see you hurting like this. If I could come and let u yell and scream: just let this out, I would be there in an instant. Keep talking here as I do think you will find some comfort and relief as others can relate and empathize to what you are going through. We don't judge you, but do feel for u.

Thinking of you cottoncandy. Hang in there!!!

Justy

CCL, don't give up. Just change focus. Forget society and trying to be acceptable and normal and whatever. How about YOU? How about just getting well for YOU. To know what stability is, what clarity is, what it is to be in touch with reality and to be able to think your own thoughts. To possess your mind as your own and govern it with your own volition. Man, just saying the words, I can almost taste it ... it's a feast and it's waiting for us. All we need to do is seek it out and exercise a little patience ... trust me it will be worth it!!!

i have completely lost my perception of time.....
ive once again become lost inside depression.
i have to force myself to go to work....
all i want to do all day is sleep.....
i am so angry that this is my life!!!
the ups and downs put a huge strain on me.....
its terrible. everything is terrible. i am a horrible person. i must deserve to feel this way.
i am wasting my time trying. i dont even think i care to try. i am not worth trying.
time is a torture chamber.

CCL: Can you scale back on your responsibilities a little, to give yourself a little slack? Or maybe just simplify your daily habits? Never mind your standards for yourself right now. Perfectionism leads to failure --- unless it's taken in moderation.

Be good to yourself, please.

Adieu

CCl.I often Think About Giving Up But You Can't Then That Means You Wont Get To Eat Any Cotton Candy,But Seriously.I always Wonder What is On The Other Side Of The Stormy Weather,Maybe A Colorfull Rainbow [color:blue] [/color]