[bizi]

I posted this for you in your own thread so others may find it better.

Hey Everyone,
I'm back, couldn't sleep tonight, actually I'm excited believe it or not, my evaluation is in the morning. I know I will be diagnosed as Bi-P for sure. So I am hopeful that all this CRAP I have been like will cease, and won't continue to cover up who I am , my temper, my mixed episodes, the shame after some of it, and just the overall guilt that it carries. Lately between me and my husband, it seems that now he won't even give me his real opinion about certain things just because he doesn't want me to get upset, and not drop it, and thats uncool. I must admit that when we argue sometimes, I almost always go too far, especially with things I say. I don't think long enough. I just react mostly. Even outside the marriage, if something goes wrong I am taken so hard. And I just wanna chill, and not get SOOOOO upset all the time. I don't know if either of you have experienced any of this. Anyway, what do you all think they may start me out on , MEDS wise ? And which ones have the most side effects ? And how cool is it being on the MEDS then before you were on MEDS ?

Thanks for listening .

Genetic

[GeneticlyBipolar1]

Hi everyone, THANKS BIZI !

Somebody told me that most docs arent going to be too quick to diagnose, which was accurate. I went in yesterday evening for my 90- minute assessment. I was completely honest, so obviously I cried a little. It felt good to be straight up with someone, like when I come here. I get to tell it like it is. So yes, I see that it is a process. And the therapist did reschedule me to see the doctor. Basically saying that I needed to be prescribed a cocktail. So December 8th is my next date to go in.
But I answered about 4 packets of questionaires. One on Physical health, then moods, then family comp. basically.But I am still hopeful and please that I went in. So far the therapist has kinda confirmed for me that something is wrong and that it really shouldn't feel like the end of the world so much. But we will see.
As you all see, I'm up again, insomnia city for me. I mentione that to the therapist too., so I believe she will give me something to sleeep as well. I am physically tired , my body is basically. Have a good night, I will keep you all posted.

Gene

[bizi]

Dear Gene,
Glad that you found us here!
sounds like you will have some answers in a couple of weeks.
The therapist really doesn't diagnose, the pdoc does, she will give her imput as well so you may need to go thru summary wise though because you wont have as much time to get into things with the pdoc.
some things that you can try to sleep are tylenol pm, warm milk, valerian, sleepy time tea, exercise thruout the day but not right before bed, hot bath/shower a couple of hours before bed.
HOpe you have a nice weekend.
Have some fun with your hubby.
Work hard/play hard.
bizi

[GeneticlyBipolar1]

Hey BIZI, I really like your feedback, I see that you don't want me to become solely dependant on MEDS. Which is obviously good advice. Your'e right, there are natural options that aren't prescription. And I appreciate that tip. But yeah, I go back in Dec. 8th, so we will see. I will definitely stay current on this BLOG you have established for me. And it's really soothing to be able to come to it and just tell all my BUISNESS if you know what I mean, to people that know what I mean. I just awoke, too early, but I feel like I can go back to sleep shortly. I hope you are sleeping tight tonight, and I hope you have a good weekend as well. Catch you later . . .

Gene

[bizi]

I am hoping that you were able to get some more sleep.
This girl takes multiple meds and will probably have to for the rest of my life.
I take lamictal, geodon and klonipin to sleep.
The other things Imentioned were for you to try until your pdoc appointment if you are feeling anxiety, insomnia, restless, stressed etc.
Keep on posting when ever you wish I have you marked so will notice when you post again.
bizi

[GeneticlyBipolar1]

Hey BIZI,

Oh I see. Well once again you know what I mean. I do infact feel like I am trying hang in there until the 8th, LOL, literally. Like it's a tournament, The last leg of the race. LOL. So far I have been trying to manage my stress by either leaving out for a drive, or a cigarette . I took an 500mg IBPROFEN to get back to sleep the other night. But as you can see I am awake again tonight. I don't know what it is, if I awake for some reason, GOD forbid I think of something, or maybe the tv was left on, so I may hear something on it, and BAMM I'm up, and this is speaking of the few times that I am able to sleep. How cool is it to be on the MEDS, versus before you were on them ? I'm depending on them to give me the calm, and self-control that I lack. REALLY. Well, I'm gonna turn this off atlease, and lay down, see what happens. I tried Tylenol sleep aid 2 years ago and that sucked, in the morning I felt like I hads been on something. So I hope the prescription sleep aid isn't like that. Well thanks for listening as always . . .

Gene

[GeneticlyBipolar1]

Alright, I couldn't sleep. Anyhow, I was laying in bed and believe it or not, I started thinking about things I forgot to mention. My current issues are this, as you know, I just opened myself up to the possibility that I " trip " sometimes, and it's not right. But, as of October 2007, I started to feel like my husband was cheating, and I came somewhat close to believing it, and I have found numbers, while I was pregnant the second time. And he was rarely home the second pregnancy. His cellphone rings and he jumps up and erases the number. I called a number once and it was a female and she was very defensive , but she knew I was his wife. But I don't trust him anymore. I don't know if he is in my best interest . When I catch him lying, he doesn't admit to anything, he just says " I'm acting crazy " , so when I find out that he was trying to use my disorder to cover-up his lies, to me thats scary, because even though I was right, you let me think I was acting crazy, sometimes I would sobb and apologize while sobbing, and he will accept my apology, and maybe a week or two later, or a month the truth will come out. And he still won't apologize to me. But I have these children and this marriage that I obviously would like to keep , but I don't think I can. Like yesterday, Friday, he got off work , came in I had to go pick up my car, he was pissed because he had to watch the kids . . . Which I think was a ploy to get us into an arguement. I admit, after I picked the car up, I went and had a few beers and the bar, which was great for me, cause thats when I am less arguemenative, and confrontational. So when I came in, I just checked on the kids and then I went to bed. He was on the sofa. He gets up and comes back there and argues , then storms out. That I let ride, I layed back down. But then I awake Sat. morning and he was still not home. So I go back to bed and awake at 9-45am , and I call him, and he says he will be home at noon or 1pm. But nope, he doesn't show. Friday was payday for him by the way. I waited until 5pm and called, he says he's getn a haircut and when he is done he will be home. I watch my tv show and it went off at 8pm, I went to call him, and his cell is turned off, (power button). And it is still off. And I noticed a minute ago, that this pattern of starting something and staying out all weekend is getn to be regular. And the lies of blaming everything on my Bi-P. So a large part of my depression is this, I am too embarrassed to tell my sister or anyone, because when I was pregnant there was a rumor that he had sex with an ex-friend whom he had encouraged me not to be around. To me I have come a long way going into that Pdoc office the other day, and since October 2007 I have been depressed, suicidal, probably Psychotic. Because his behavior has been unbelievable. And I am afraid that he may hinder my treatment. I feel as though he takes advantage of my disorder .

I told myself, since I have never had treatment b4, I promised myself that when my MEDS make the smoke clear, (my thinking &overall ) that he had better appear properly, or I'm walking away.

I am gonna go get in bed now, (alone) . So this is my mood for the past 1 year, worried.

Goodnight

[bizi]

Thank you for sharing your story here.
You are going thru alot of stress....
yes you will need to get yourself together, work on yourself as long as you can.
Get strength, This sounds like a dysfunctional relationship.
Have you ever considered marriage counseling before>
would he go for that?
bizi

[GeneticlyBipolar1]

Thank you for sharing your story here.
You are going thru alot of stress....
yes you will need to get yourself together, work on yourself as long as you can.
Get strength, This sounds like a dysfunctional relationship.
Have you ever considered marriage counseling before>
would he go for that?
bizi[/quote]

Hi BIZI , thanks for the rose, you see I havent been on in a day or two, I just don't want him to know about my haven. I signed us up for marriage counseling on a Monday, it was scheduled for Friday (two months ago) @5pm, and he basically said he was working late when Friday came. I have no proof of if he was working or just blew it off. I haven't rescheduled because it costed 60 bucks, and I don't want to waste money or do this office that way by canceling and end up banned from the place. 60 buck for an hour. I am going to reschedule, but I decided to wait until after my appointment and according to you all it takes a few weeks for my RX to get in my system and then go, incase I may look back and something was my fault, or maybe it wasn't . I just want to be clear. And I don't want my Bi-P to be a scapegoat or an issue anymore. So, yeah , your'e right. at this point I am going to work on myself as much as I can, then the marriage, and if he doesn't seem ligit after that, HE GOTTA GO ! Plus I want you to know, I have never experienced Bi-P with my kids, I don't discipline them, and I am so personal and hands-on with them, they don't need it. I discipline them verbally (not yelling) and it has been effective. It's the marriage, and the Bi-P. So my goal is to get ME , mentally , IN CHECK . And then work on my marriage with a clear, calm, rational state of mind. And if it can be saved, THEN I WILL SAVE IT. And if not, I want to be strong enough to let it go. And overall, go forward in life. Thanks BIZI, TALK TO YOU LATER

[GeneticlyBipolar1]

Hey BIZI, can you believe I came home with the kids earlier when I was on here, it's 11:19pm now. Fed them, bathed them, and put them to bed. He was suppose to get off at 6, he said he'd be home by 7pm. I called him at 9pm, he sounded like he was up to no good. I asked him when would he be home, he said in a little while. I said, well this morning you said you would be home at 7pm, then I hung up. I called back a little while ago, and he had shut his phone off, it went straight to voicemail. So I figured it out, I think, he knew I would call and get upset, then he could use that as a ploy to stay out, and basically it would be my fault. He can say, since I was upset he didn't come home. So there you have it. I didn't go to CVS since he didn't come home, but he planned it. When I think back, this morning he got dressed differently, extra special. So he knew he was gonna hang out. I gotta walk away from this marriage. I am gonna go pretend like I am okay, and try to go to bed, pretend he isn't cheating tonight. And hope to sleep. Maybe after the 8th, I will have this master plan all figured out, and will be stable enough to execute it. Goodnight

[bizi]

This sounds just awful.
Do you have any family members to help you baby sit??
I think it is important for you to personally get into therapy to help you build your self confidence to be as strong as possible.
I am sorry that this is happening .
((((HUGS))))
bizi
Do you have your own car?

[GeneticlyBipolar1]

Hey BIZI, I just awoke and decided to jump on and check to see whats happening. I don't have family to help me sit. I am going to start interviewing sitters next week. I figure I need free time. And when I went for my assessment the week before, he watched the kids. But I use to be very confident, and the he started to flirt with other women in front of me, after I had the first baby, I am fairly petite, but 2 years after the first baby, I was really depressed and I lost alot of weight, and he started to disrespect me in front of other women, to the point that one day, one of the women said, " is that your real husband ? " . How embarressing. Even though now I have put the weight back on, I don't trust him. And it's like my disorder makes everything more to me , than others. I take things so hard. I have a hard time getting over things, letting them go. So I am also hoping that my MEDS will make be strong enough to WALK, or atlease not to " trip " and not fear, you know ?
We will see.

[bizi]

I am sorry that it is so hard...things will get easier as you gain more confidence...
keep plugging away at things you are making good strides...you can do this....
bizi

[bizi]

so how did the doctor appointment go?
bizi

[GeneticlyBipolar1]

Hey BIZI and everyone,

I haven't been on , got kinda busy around here lately. Well first of all, I went in to the PDOC today, he prescribed me TRILEPTAL 150MG Mood stabilizer. And TRAZODONE 100MG to help me sleep. So far I go in every Thursday for Therapy, the therapist is really nice too, easy to talk to. The PDOC basically says I am Manic Depress. so he says he wants me to try this cocktail for 30 days and tell him how it is when I go back in January 9th. Now the hubby, he is on hold for me, right now, for once in my life (since we have been together ) he is on HOLD. I am working on me right now, I have interviewed two nice women, one of them 38, she has 2 high school age children, and she babysit two toddlers. And the other woman, she use to sit for a 9 month old, but now that child is in daycare. So I haven't decided between the two. But yeah, thats my next step, I want to hire a sitter. I am also thinking about going back to work, for the financial independance, and to kinda be involved in something during the day. When my hubby leaves out, no matter how long he stays out, I don't call, I continue with my day, get the kids ready for bed when bedtime comes, and then I go to bed, I have been doing that for 3 days now, and I intend on sticking to it. Today he called while we were out, and said he was gonna be home by 5pm, 5 came and went and I didn't call. Now before I would call, and listen to his pack of lies, get upset, call back, argue, cry, and some nights he ended up not coming home at all. And I either stayed up all night sometime, and sometime I rehatched it when he came in the next day. And now, in a way, I DON'T CARE WHAT HE DOES. lol. So my goal is to just keep pushing up, and getting things together, and deal with everything else later. I gotta go now. Oh, by the way, the TRILEPTAL is 2x a day, so I took one, since it was 6pm when I got in. I won't take another until I awake in the morning. And the TRAZODONE is 1 b/4 bed. So will take that tonight. But I feel pretty good so far. Anyhow, thanks for checking on me, any info on the R/X's ? Have you heard of them ? I know it's only been a day, well a few hours, so I will see how they hold up. Share any info if you have any. Thanks BIZI

[GeneticlyBipolar1]

Hey BIZI one more thing, How do you figure I am not confident ? Now my sister says I have changed since I have been with him, and she says she doesn't like him because of it, you think thats what she meant ? That I am low on confidence ?
Because this is my first marriage, and before I got with him, I was the girl that every guy vwanted, always on the go, dating - but never falling in love, and it wasn't on purpose, I was never a player or anything. But share that with me, will you ?
Maybe my big SIS , and you see something that I don't . Until next time, thanks, always

[bizi]

hi there,
Did you ask about lamictal?
this is the first line med now adays for bipolar,
anyway.
glad that he prescribed you some meds and hopefully you will be sleeping better!
Trazadone works well for many folks.

hmmmmm....
let me see
I think I assumed that you lacked confidence in yourself when you started explaining your spouses unacceptable behavior and you were becoming a victim to circumstances.
You are now gaining more confidence, and taking care of you.
This is very powerful!!!
Good for you!
you go girl!
bizi

[GeneticlyBipolar1]

Hey Bizi, well, the TRAZADONE is too heavy for me, I felt that cold -drugged out feeling when I awoke, so I am going to skip that from now on, and go back to my UNISOM which went well last night, so I am going to use this instead to sleep. And you are right, I am going to ask the PDOC about the LAMICTAL, because I feel calm, but I think this TRILEPTAL might be too little for me, as if I could feel it. But my question to you was, as far as asking the PDOC for the LAMICTAL, my next appointment is JAN. 9th. So do I wait until then and try to hang in there, or do I call him immediately ?

And yeah I get what you meant about, taking care of me, and not adhereing to circumstance, that is pretty cowardly, but when you get married, apart the womans end of the bargain is allow the husband to take care of majority, because he wants to. Well atlease my husband did, he was sort of traditional when it came to our marriage, and then I assume he found very little privacy in it. So when he no longer assumed this position, it's sorta like being left like Gilligans Island, and having to rebuild. And for me, it took a while for me to realize that I was abandon in alot of ways, and trying to go back to the independance I once possessed. I believe . . . lol