Crashd once again

I've crashed to the pit of despair or the black hole as I sometimes call it. I feel hopeless and worthless. Everything in my life, I inevitably destroy, no matter how much I love it. I inadvertantly hurt people wherever I go. I don't see my life getting any better. I always end up here. It seems to be my home so much. I don't even think I want help anymore. What's the point, I'll only hurt everyone I come in contact with again. I don't do it intentionally but it happens just the same. Hurting people is a major issue for me. I can't bear it when I've done that but to the other person it seems deliberate. Nothing is ever going to change. I have to wonder why God saved me from myself before. What was the purpose? To cause more pain to those who are unfortunate to fall into my path? I'm tired of hurting that people that I love, I'm tired of the pain and the hurt I feel, although I'm sure I deserve it but as much as I despire hurting others, it happens anyways, even with my best intentions. It is not right that I should be allowed to be around other people but then I feel so alone and I can't stand that either. How many times must I go through this same old thing. It hardly seems worth it to me. I've just hurt a friend very badly, I mean, REALLY hurt but none of it was intentional but it happened anyway. So now he is probably wondering what kind of person am I afterall? The true me has all but vanished and the sick me has taken control. I can't win against the sick me and I'm so tired of trying. I inevitably lose, every time.

All I've ever wanted in life is to feel that I'm loved but I guess I don't feel that I'm worthy of it or deserve it because I have a very hard time of feeling it even when it is been shown to me. I HATE myself, so therefore, why would anybody else bother to like me. What is there to like? I can't find anything but pain and hurt. My meds are not working for me and haven't in a long time. We're running out of different mood-stabilizers to try. A lot of the time, I just want to take the whole entire bunch and chuck them in the garbage but I don't because I wonder if I would be worse without them? Is that even possible. I feel like nothing more than a huge burden and inconvenience on my family. I've been on disability from work since the autumn of 2001. I've tried going back to work several times but it never worked out. I'm nowhere near ready to return to worlk. Just what is the point to any of this? I feel like giving up. It's the only way I know to stop all this pain, my pain and th pain I inflect on everyone around me. I just don't have enough energy anymore. I'm tired, I'm really depressed and I just want all this pain to stop, my pain and the pain I inflict on all those in myu . I don't see a way out of all this pain. I don't even know if any of this makes any sense or if it's just ramblings. My meds have kicked in and I can bearly even read what I've written so who knows if any of this has made sense or if it is just my normal ramblings when I've hit rock bottom. I do know that I've hurt a friend very deeply and I can't undo what I'm done. I'm not sure if I still have this preson as a friend but I sure hope so. It would kill me otherwise.I'm just so tired of everything. Please excus my typos if any. I've had to fix so many but I may have missed some. My meds have kicked in and I can berly keep my eyes open more than a slit. I just want all the pain to stop, mine and those who are min my life that I upset. I gotta go. For those of you who made it this farf, please forgive my rantings and ramblings. I don't even know what I'm typing anymore. I feel like a major inconvenience and burden into everyone in my life.

If you made it this fr, thnk I hope I've made sense.

An Angerl Girl who's wings have been clipped and halo astrew. Anyway, I hope you can make at lest some sense out of my post. Thnks for listening.
Angel Girl

Angil Girl, I know your pain, just remember it only lasts a little while, we are here for you
Angie

Hi Angel, Angie put it so perfectly, what else can we tell eachother when it feels so bad? The true you never vanishes, not completely, does it? I find focusing on that glimmer of true self, however faint it may seem, can be my salvation. Hang in, so we can chat when you feel better again.

peace

(((angel)))... im sorry you're feeling like this, but it will end soon. Hang on for just a little while longer and it will be over.

Thanks for your kind replies. It's a new day and I'm not feeling any better. It amazes me how low I can get, I just want to give up, I don't want to inflict myself on anymore people. I destroy everybody who trys to get to know me because what they get to know is the BP me and not the real me. I can handle, to some degree, my *normal* despression but I can't handle the abyss. I can only sleep because of the Xanax. I don't want to eat anymore. I'm so tired on the pain I inflict on myself and on others. I deserve it but none of them do and unfortunately I do it to the ones I love the most. I hate when I've done it and it's never intntional, God I'm making so many typos and I'm tired of fixing thm so I'm ging to leave them. I hope you'll still be able to make some sense out of this even with all my typos intact. I don't have the energy to go back and correct them. I'm contemplating mthods now. I don't like physical pain but in actuallity I dserve it all. Every bit of it for all th emotional pain that I inevitably cause so many others. I'm just so tired of all of this. I don't likeeee where I'm reside now, in the black hole, but he keeps drawing me closer and closr all the time and here I am, it pulled me in and I didn't have the strength to stop it. I don't desrve to be here when there are so many others that could take up my wasted space on this planet and lead a far more productiv life than I can. I just want it all to end but I don't deserve for all this pain to nd. I really don't. I am withdrawing more and mor within myself and that's probably a good thing because then I probably stop inflicting anymore pain on the others that I love in my life. None of them deserve any of this from me, intentional or not. well, it's never intntional but it barely seems to matter anymore. I inevitably end up here. This is the first time in a long time that I've gotten to the point of being suicidal again. And when I get that way, I don't want help out, I don't want to tell my family, my T or my pdoc and I don't want to call a crisis line. I just need all this pain to stop because it is unbearable to me but as I said, I know I deserve every minute of it because of what I do to others. I believe that you are where you are supposed to be in life at all times; therefore this is where God chooses me to be. H e also says that He will never give us more than we can handle, but He's wr ong. I can't handle this. I also believe that their is a urpose to everyone's life but what could possibly be the purpose of mine, to screw up everybody else's? I don't think that is of God. I feel so abandoned by God. He always allows me to find my way here. It's a place I know so well but I haven't been this bad in a couple of years. I'm just so tired of everything. If I can't find happiness that has eluded me my entire life, then I have to ask, what is the point? I've come to the conclusion that there is no longer any point. If I keep returning to this ugly place, there must be a reason. I think that reason is to finally end the pain, mine and those I inflict it on. What other possible reason could there be? I'm so sorry that I've had such a negative effect on people in my life. I'm so very very sorry. My angel wings have been clipped, my halo taken away and I'm left only a mere shell of what I once used to be. There's nothing left to me except for the pain. I have to save everybody from all that I am left with. I can't cause anymore pain. To me that's th worst thing I can do. I hope someday that they will know it's not me but my disorder that does it coupled with my extreme lack of self-esteem. Maybe then and only then, they will understand that it was not a deliberat act on my part. But I can't continue like this. I'm sooooo very, very tired, I don't want to fight anymore. I don't have the energy left to do it and I can't undo the damage that I've caused the people I love. I wish I could. I really wish I could. I'm sorry for inflicting my pain on anyone of you who are reading these posts from me. There is no one who is at fault for my pain, the blame lies only with me and me alone.

BTW, I have been deliberately attacked on PB in the last couple of days, I was accused of things that r incomprehinsible to me and I was deeply hurt. I told this other post to never post to me again but he still has, it angered him anymore. I have not re*entered the *discussion* but have still read the continuing offending posts because I don't have the strength yet to way away. I email Dr Bob because I feel that I'm deliberately being set up to be blocked once again but as of my last look last night, I have seen no action taken by Bob or any replies to my emails. Once again, he last left me out to deal with the emotional pain it has caused. There is only so much that one person can be expected to deal with and it seems the good ole doc doesn't like to help me. I tried very hard to be civil in the conversation and I feel that I had but the more that I was, the uglier this other poster got. He's been warned by another poster that his postings to me are worthy of getting blocked, but as of very late last night, no action was taken. I don't understand. Maybe I'm not meant to be over there, I don't know but I felt I had made friends there too and I don't want to lose them but then OtOH maybe it's bst that I can't inflict myslf anymore on their lives. I'm so very much alone and I can't deal with it.

AG - I hear your pain and sadness. Thank you so much for sharing it. That means a lot. It means that your heart is still open, and part of you still cares about AG. You know some of us do too, right?

I want you to call your T or your Pdoc on his/her pager now. NOW. You should not have to be alone with these feelings. God brought those people into your life to help you...like angels. Allow them to help you.

Please call NOW.

emmy

Sweetie - I just looked and Kennie has been blocked. Hugs, emmy.

{{{{{{{{Angel Girl}}}}}}}
Like Emmy said call your T or Pdoc
I'm sending this angel to help you again

AG, listen to Auntie Emmy. Call whoever is covering for your T. (T's still on vacation, right?) Or call pdoc. Or call someone to be with you. You shouldn't be alone if you are feeling this poorly.

And yes, Emmy is right. K got blocked, along with the other person supporting him. It just took some time.

Please take care of yourself. Babble dramas

will always be there. They are an entity to themselves. No one person causes them, and it's definitely not your fault.

(((((AG))))))

gg

Thank you all for your very kind words. My T has been on vacation for quite some time and I've gone through so much in her absense, more than I can bear. She is still away and nobody covers for her. I've told my pdoc that my meds are working several times but I can't seem to get her to listen. Maybe we've run out of options, I've tried so many. I asked for more AD the last time I was there and she turned me down. So I'm left to deal with this on my own and I don't know how.

Kenny got blocked? Thank God, he accused me of such terrible things, he REALLY upset me a LOT, even more than Lou because I knew didn't mean what he did to me but Kenny was attacking me deliberately. I think he was trying to get me blocked on purpose. I think I must have 'easy target' written across my forehead or something. I'm glad Dr B finally did something for a change. He never replied my emails though. I can't deal with all this pain. It's too much. The damage has been done. I let everything get to me because I don't know how to stop it. I'm too sensitive for my own good.

All I ever wanted was to be loved my whole life. Instead all I ever get is rejection and abandoned. I can't handle abandonment.

Sweetie your not going to find rejection here, you are part of the famity
Angie

You'll make it through this hon. You've got us all right there with you, ya know? And did you see DocJohn posted to you on the other forum??? Jeepers!! He NEVER posts to me and I've been here since before dirt!

Big hugs! emmy

~*~ AngelGirl ~*~

I don't believe we've met. So, here's a belated hello and welcome to the forums

Sweetie what you say makes PERFECT sense to me. I can relate to your feelings- ALL of them that have been expressed in this post.

I don't know what happened that hurt your friend so much, but I sincerely hope he forgives you. I know it hurts so much to lose someone when you didn't even mean to cause them pain. One of my professors used a quote one time that makes a lot of sense to me: "Hurt people hurt people". I know it's kind of unclear when it's typed out, but if you could hear the way it's said, you'd understand that what it's basically saying is that when we are in pain, that's when we hurt others (whether on purpose or accidental). I know that for me, sometimes I crawl into my little hole and hide because my pain is so great that I can't even see what's going on around me or how anyone else is feeling --- EVEN if I want to. Maybe you could explain to your friend that you're in a really painful place emotionally and even though you really care about him and want him around, you aren't really able to be functional right now and that makes it hard to maintain a friendship. Maybe if he understood how much pain you are in, he would be willing to wait it out with you and understand where you are coming from. Without knowing any more details about what happened, that's the best advice I can give.

You are not a burden, AngelGirl. Every person in the whole world deserves to be loved, and held, and listened to, and trusted. You deserve to have someone see your pain and understand it, and CARE that you hurt so much. You deserve to have someone be willing to hang around, even if they might get their feelings hurt sometimes, because YOU ARE WORTH IT.

There is no need to apologize for posting and sharing your feelings here. That's what we are here for- to care about you and understand, and support you while you get through this dark patch.

I know that whenever you slip into the depths of depression, all you can see is the darkness and you start to think it's all that you've ever seen. But try to believe that you won't always feel as bad as you do right now. If you can't totally believe it, then try to HOPE it. And hang onto that for dear life.

Best wishes to you, for peace and comfort and love.

Angela

No abandonment here, luv. You've got embracing arms all around you, to hold you up, to give you comfort. I'm not going anywhere. Neither is anyone else here. Believe in our friendship, really believe. Won't be easy at first, most likely. But you're well beyond the reach of anyone who' d hurt you now that you're here. Now give us a smile. Call that a smile? I think you can do better. In fact, I know it. Well, that's a start. But how about ... ? Oh, I dunno. Betcha can. Drop me a personal line if you need to, OK? I've said it to you before. You've got a lot more guts than you give yourself credit for. Ta. Cheshire

(((((Angel Girl)))))

I hear your pain. You remind me a great deal of the old me. Heck, you remind me a great deal of the current me, but all I can say is that it does get better. There is hope. Things will get better for you even though if anyone said that to the old me I just couldn’t see how to believe them.

I used to be in fairly much constant pain. I really didn’t feel that I ever had much respite from it. I hurt so much and I couldn’t understand why I hurt so much, what it was all for and I couldn’t figure out how to make it stop. Part of me didn’t believe that I deserved for it to stop anyway. I was worthless. I was hopeless. I hurt the people I most cared about. Most of the time I didn’t mean to. Sometimes I was just in so very much pain myself that I simply couldn’t see how my actions would result in another being hurt. Sometimes I did intend to hurt – because it seemed to me that they were causing my pain on purpose. They could have done something to stop it, but they did not. And when I saw things that way I just felt so very angry and hurt that I would lash out. And then after a time when the situation became clearer I felt so very bad for hurting them that I took that to prove to me that I really was a worthless despicable person.

This was a cycle that kept playing out in my life, over and over, and even with the make-ups afterwards the good feelings that came from that were just a very brief respite from my suffering until the next cycle would start to unfold.

That was what my life was like. And I couldn’t figure a way to make it stop. I couldn’t figure a way to stop the intense pain and suffering that I carried around inside me most of the time. And sometimes it would flare up because I simply could not cope with it any more. I couldn’t figure out why I kept hurting the people I most cared about. Why I kept pushing away the people I most wanted to connect with and feel connected to. I could see no way out. I did not think that there was any hope for me. Sometimes I would get so low that I thought it was in the publics interests for me to kill myself so that they wouldn’t have to worry about being hurt by me anymore and I thought it was in my own interests to do this because there was no other way that the pain would stop.

But that terrified the hell out of me. Because I wanted to be a good person. I didn’t really want to hurt anyone. I just wanted to feel happy. I just wanted to feel loved. But I was terrified because I really couldn’t see that there was any way out.

I have gotten better Angel Girl. Not perfect, no way. I struggle so very much with so very much stuff. I still hurt people sometimes. I still suffer. But as the days go on I am learning and progressing and that stuff is nowhere near as bad as it used to be. The days I spend that really are unbearable to me are so much less. They are still there, but no longer most of the time.

What helped me was therapy Angel Girl. In particular seeing a good therapist who was kind to me and not judgmental of me. Someone who seemed to understand the sorts of things I just told you. Someone who was kind and compassionate and centered in themselves and who showed me something that I really cannot praise enough because they have saved my life over and over and over. They have improved my quality of life to the point where most days I can say with conviction that I am a worthwhile human being who does her best. DBT skills. Of how to deal with intense emotions. Of how to ask people appropriately for things we believe we need. Of how to show other people appropriately that we care about them. Of how to self soothe. I know this probably sounds clinical and dry, but I found it to be a world view. Doing DBT changed my view of the world of myself and of my place in the world and my place in relation to others. I came to understand why the cycle happened Angel Girl. I came to understand my role in it and I learned how to change my responses. But I also learned which aspects of the situation were beyond my control so that I knew that aspects of it really were not my fault. And I could handle my distress better and I could soothe myself so that on the occasions when there is nobody there to help I am ok by myself because I am strong enough for this present moment which is all I need to be.

This probably doesn’t make a lot of sense. But the message I want to give to you is that other people have been there. In a similar (never exactly the same to be sure) but in a similar place to the place you are in now. Not just me Angel. I have met many of us. And the message that I want to give to you is that there is hope. Things will get better. Just hang in there Angel. It is such an incredibly hard time when ones therapist goes away. But you are coping ok You are doing the best you can You are hanging in there. I know that you are in so much pain but I have faith that things will get a whole heap better for you. But it is a hard journey and it does take time. (((((Angel Girl)))))

CheshireCat - Guts, me? Nope, I think you must be thinking about somebody else. I see a fragile person, a very fragile person who is at the breaking point. I'm glad that you will be there for me. I need whatever friends I have left and that's only what I've made because of your crusade to come to my rescue on PB.

alexandra - WOW girl, those words look like my words. I'm glad you're doing better now. I've only done cognitive therapy and I SUCK at it. Replace the distorted negative thought with a more realistic positive thought? Dang, if I knew it to begin with, I wouldn't need therapy. I just can't master it. My thought processes are so majorly screwed up and my self-esteem is non-existant. It's hard to understand why anybody else could like or love me when I loathe myself. So, what is DBT and how does it differ? Hugs sweetie.

Thanks to all of your replies. When I reread my posts I see that I'm extremely repeative in my comments and my typos were phenomenol partly because I don't even care right now even though I am a very good typist, and partly because for some reason my keyboard is acting up. I'm sure I'm missing a lot of 'e's' because the dang key is giving me so much trouble for some reason.

Why is it that when I reside deep into the abyss that I don't even want help? I lie to my T and my pdoc and family and I won't call a crisis line or 911. I'll talk about it online but nowhere else. I don't want to be hospitalized. They all know I won't tell the truth and it scares them but it doesn't scare me. The world or at least my little section of it would be so much better without me in it. Nobody needs to be inflicted with the emotional pain I inevitably dish out and my rages are bad. My son calls me *wild*. Hmmmmmmmm, a wild angel. Do we have a smiley for that? Will that do CheshireCat? A smile, sorry, don't have one of those, not when I'm in the dark abyss. There's a song of Sarah McLachlan's that I really relate to, I only have to change a couple of words here and there. Maybe I'll put it in the Creative section. I'm no good at doing poetry. I'm not a creative person, I wish I was.

Hey CheshireCat - I LOVE your sig. You're quoting one of my all-time favourite singers. I'll have to find something for myself but right now I don't have the energy to do so. Hey, maybe you can help me find something appropriate. Whatcha think? You wanna help me?

Anyway, my thoughts are all jumbled and I'm jumping back and forth, but I want to thank you all for listening to my ramblings. I ramble so good, I do it a lot, I also digress off topic too, and sometimes don't find my way back to what I was originally talking about. My brain is so chaotic.

I remember when I was growing up, I didn't take any drugs because I was afraid I would screw up my brain. hahaha, the joke is on me isn't it? Now, I take so many drugs my brain is probably in a state of constant confusion and God knows what damage I've done to it now. Just think of all the fun I missed out on by not taking drugs when I was younger. I think I regret that decision now. Maybe they might've actually fixed my brain. We'll never know. But even though I didn't do street drugs, I didn't escape addiction, yep I was addicted to Percodan. It was a result of a very emotional and physical time in my life, I couldn't deal with it so I discovered an easy way to get all the Percodan I wanted legally but it may have covered up the emotional pain for awhile but my parents were sure I was addicted and forced me to go to the dr with them and I had to go off cold turkey. PURE HELL!!! It's the first time I've been through withdrawal, been through it a few times since and I'm sure I'll deal with it again with all these xxxxxxx pills that I take. Dang, I wanted to swear so bad but I don't want to get into trouble. And now I've just realized that I've been rambling again. So, I'll stop here before y'all think I'm sicker than I actually am, hahaha, maybe y'all would be right, maybe I'm the delusional one in all this mess that is supposed to be called a life. If this is life, then I don't want any part of it. I call this HELL on earth. Yep, that's a good description for it. Anyway, I said I was going to stop and I didn't, I kept on rambling so . . . beam me up Scotty!!! I'll bet when I click on submit this is gonna be way long. Next time I'll bring the

Angel Girl

>I've only done cognitive therapy and I SUCK at it.

Heh heh, I remember that thought...

>Replace the distorted negative thought with a more realistic positive thought? Dang, if I knew it to begin with, I wouldn't need therapy.

Yeah, thats pretty much what I think too!

>I just can't master it. My thought processes are so majorly screwed up and my self-esteem is non-existant.

Hmm. I personally found CBT to result in my thinking those things... Cognitive restructuring was what I just could not seem to do. The premiss is that faulty thinking CAUSES intense emotional responses. Therefore if you are in emotional distress that is because you are thinking faulty thoughts. I despaired about then. Not even capable of logical thought, eh? Also, I felt mad in response to that. Also I felt unheard in response to that. Also I do not believe that my distress is always caused by faulty thinking.

> So, what is DBT and how does it differ?

Anyways DBT is different because although cognitive restructuring is a little tiny part of it DBT offers a lot more. An integral part of the treatment is skills training. Teaching you skills so that you are able to alleviate distress. So that you are able to learn and practice different ways of communicating with people. An important part of it is practicing ways of acting different.

I found it to be much more than Cognitive Behaviour Therapy because it offered me a whole new way of being without telling me I was wrong all the time. How are you supposed to learn to trust yourself when you are just told you can't even think straight - the implication being that you are causing your own distress as a result of your faulty cognitions. The word for it is invalidating.

It can be hard to get into a DBT program. But IMO it is worth a try. It is intensive. It is hard work. But it was worth it for me. Otherwise some clinicians are more or less influenced by DBT theory (which tries to balance acceptance of things just the way they are with strategies for effecting change). IMO acceptance is what is missing from CBT.

alexandra

I think I will need to look into that. It would be great if I could get it from my current T but it looks by what you're saying that you have to go to a specialized place for it?

Thanks!

Angel Girl

It's too early for me to muster any intelligent replies...but the Beam Me Up Scotty was REALLY helpful. I never understood that smilie. It has always looked like a little guy drowning in a glass of water to me.

emmy...I have a wierd mind. Have ya noticed?

Thanks to my good and wonderful friend TheCheshireCat, the abyss is no more. I'm feeling *really* good now. Bye Bye depression!!!

Angel Girl