[French Empress]

And willing to stay alive. More than ever.
I m depressed, tired, i dont sleep, barely eat, committed numerous attemps, died 2 times clinically and was very unhappy to survive.
Its hard, very hard to live with this illness.
So hard that we are worth more than the other normal ppl.
Its takes so much efforts to do the simplyest things, that we can develop a will to overcome everything.
And bipolar wont prevail on me!

[rkba97]

Hi French Empress... I was suicidal for years, and hopefully that feeling will never, ever, ever come back. I made many attempts, mostly cries for help I think, and one time I came very, very close to ending it all. Waking up the next morning was very disappointing and embarrassing, and the days that followed were miserable. Thank God (or whoever may have helped me through that) that it didn't happen. Soon after that I was diagnosed with depression, but only recently, years later, with bipolar. Since I've been diagnosed, and I finally know what was "wrong with me" this whole time, I am determined to work through the depression. So far, so good... no suicidal thoughts for about a year now. I guess my last bout with those feelings is what finally convinced me to stop drinking and get help.

It is great to share with people who truly understand. After years and years of the most horrible feelings and thoughts, I now realize that life is definitely worth living. The good times wouldn't be so good without the bad times. Very hard to acknowledge when you're depressed. I agree, these kinds of hardships make us stronger. I guess that's why I can push through the rapid mood swings, changes in eating and sleeping habits, and the days that I just can't make it in to work.

Stay strong! We can overcome anything. We have been through the worst, and we're still here to tell our stories. That definitely counts for a lot.

RK

[madisgram]

welcome to pc, french empress!! thank you for feeling comfortable to share with us your despair and your fortitude. u didn't mention if you have a therapist. i found when i was first dx-ed with bpd having a therapist helped me immensely..so much so that i stayed with the same T for 10 years. there are so many coping skills we can learn to offset our bpd. let us know how u're doing and i hope you will find a T, just me. you don't have to do this alone. we're here for you and a T may be a good support system.

[French Empress]

Thank u so much for your answer and support.
I was followed only by my family dr so far because i was in denial and after some bad experiences with T, didnt wanna see any.
The dep episode i just had was so disastrous that a bp friend opened my eyes and i took an appointment for march.
Probably because i feel like living a new life instead of trying to push myself to destruction.
My friends death has no reason to be an excuse for not facing life.
Life that is for all of us, easy and cool..if we make some efforts.
Now i m ready, i ll tell u whats next as soon as i find out.
Its gonna take some time, probably a lifetime, hopefully a long time to live and learn to enjoy it.
Finally.
Take care, thanks again.

[French Empress]

T has been nul.
Came back home mad and sad, injured myself and am unsure about therapy.
Maybe when i ll get better its gonna upset me less.
T cant change me.
I dumped the guy.
I dumped hope, its just life, bipolar life going on.
When i ll get manic, i ll post you guys more pleasant stuff.

[soc1]

Originally Posted by French Empress

T has been nul.
Came back home mad and sad, injured myself and am unsure about therapy.
Maybe when i ll get better its gonna upset me less.
T cant change me.
I dumped the guy.
I dumped hope, its just life, bipolar life going on.
When i ll get manic, i ll post you guys more pleasant stuff.

Dear French Empress,
Please don't feel that you need to post pleasant stuff here. We are here to "hear" all of your posts: the good, the bad, and the ugly, if that is what you feel.

Its too bad that your appointment with a new T didn't work well for you but its great that you figured out right away that that person isn't going to be able to help you. Dumping the guy is not the same as dumping hope. I had a terrible pdoc once who misdiagnosed me and never listened, now I have got a great one who talks with me and helps me feel better. He helps me believe that help is out there, that I can help myself, and that we can all help each other.

[French Empress]

In fact, I came to the same conclusion, help is here, among those who know how it feels.
But what upset me the most was when he asked me what is the most difficult in life?
He should know the answer or not ask such things.i fell down in tears in front of that wicked bastard.
And i said "to have to live"
He looked at me like at a strange creature and i was sure he thougt "oh ****". Then he said times off and i fell a kind of relief to go away from there.
But blood spilling started at home. Much more enjoyable than the other wanker. A bit too much.
So today i m ok wrapped in bandages, in bed with antibios, browsind med sites to find a better T.
And get help over here.
Thank u. Be blessed.

[madisgram]

welcome to pc (((french empress))). i'm glad you shared about what's going on with you. yes it does take so much mental energy to deal with bp sometimes. i hope you are able to find a t and pdoc that you feel comfortable with a good match. i know for me that that helps. you may feel helpless and hopeless but you can get better. i know cause i was able to get better with meds and a good pdoc and t, jme. i'm also glad u felt comfortable enough to share your feelings. it does help with the bp to talk about it. we all have felt totally burdened with our bp at one time or another, so please know it doesn't matter if you write how down you feel. i'm hoping you will the support here that will help, too. it's a very caring community of ppl just like u and me!

[Berries]

((((((((French Empress)))))))) I can relate to your pain. I wish so much you didn't have to feel this agony.
There ARE good Ts out there. You WILL be able to find one.
And keep posting here. Doen't take the place of a therapist, but this is good support too. We care!!

[French Empress]

My dear friends,

Thank u for ur support and care.
I have good news, finally.

I have found the good psychoanalist, he was in my facebook friends list for a while but i didnt knoq what his job was.
Browsing the net i found his name as a bp specialist. Emailed straight away, saw him today, again tomorrow.
The contact was really positive.

He ll help trough all this.
We ll overcome that pain and fear.

Sure its not done yet, but a dawn of hope appears slowly.
Soon, that hope will enlighten the.French Empire. And i ll up to rule my life again.
My friends, it was more than time, i couldnt handle it alone anymore.
Now, i breathe better, soon, i ll enjoy life again.
And the Empire shall be ruled by life, not bipolarity.

My ultimate goal is to keep on writing my novel, then maybe a book. I cant achieve this with my brains bouncing from wall to wall.

My friends, thank u for care. Thank u for being there.

I m here for you too.
To those who are in doubt, those who expect nothing from this life except unbearable pain, just dont give up.
BP is forever, but it can be managed. I am a woman, not an illness. Its gonna be hard, but not as hard as being reduced to a name in a psy-disease list.

Take care of urselves, i ll do the same.

[Berries]

(((((((((FrenchEmpress)))))))))

I am soooooooo glad to read you post.

It is rare to hear such hope!!!! I need some hope too, right now, so thnx!!

Thank you for sharing that with us.

[French Empress]

My dear friends,

My T and I found out what is so wrong with me this time, and it seems to go wrong for more than a year now but I just didnt wanna pay attention to it.
This mde is entwinned with mixed states, anxiety, manic moments and a lot of aggressivity.

I became treatment resistant. And probably rapid cycling.

Just the idea of it makes me so furious that I wanna fight against it.
I need to do a few more exams then I told my T to find me a psydoc who d'be a molecule magician and who ll find me the accurate treatment.
And its because i am so mad that i dont give up.
Bipolar has no right to control the French Empire.
This Empire is ruled by an Empress.
And if bipolar attacks me, i see no reason why i should agree with that.

Yes friends, i am at war with the evolution of bipolar.
Finally, i m fortunate to be aggressive, if it keeps my brains away from swinging, devellop my will and keep hope alive.

But its hard, real hard. To me its the 1rst time its hard like that.
Sometimes i wish it was just a nevrotic depression, i wish i was normal. And sometimes, of course, i wanna dump the Empire. Reduce the Empress to noting.
And sleep..