CHAOS!!! CHAOS!!! CHAOS!!!

I can't live anymore with all this constant chaos in my brain and chaos in my life. I can't keep up with it. It's too much for me. Constant changes, every day, all these different moods, some extremely scary, especially lately. My mind is starting to go to very dark places with very definite thoughts. Somebody please tell me how to stop it. It's killing me and it's killing relationships in my life. I've tried just about every drug out there, nothing is working, if anything I'm getting increasingly worse. My life is being destroyed as well as any relationships I have/had. I can't do this anymore. It's too much for me to handle, it's way too hard. It's out of control. It's taken over my life. When I feel loved, it all settles down but as soon as I don't, the chaos comes back with a vengeance. I have to end this chaos before it ends me. Somebody PLEASE HELP ME!!!

Beam me up Scotty!!!

AG, it sounds like you need to call your T. You've got so much going on right now, it's no wonder you are feeling lost. Let your T and/or your pdoc help you. And be with your family. It helps not to be alone.

(((AG))))

Thinking of you,
gg

AG, please see my post to you under "Nocturnal Intro.." TgrsPurr.

I hear you Angel, and I believe you. But I can't help you. I really have the sense that what you need can't be provided here without something else more direct in place in 3d for you. It really sounds like you need the pros. I hope you don't let "it" take you, but that you take "it" to the hopsital. Just what I think. Can't tell you what to do.

Sqrl sounds like a voice of reason and experience with this disease/disorder AG. He's not offering up pithy platitudes here but instead his honest words of kindness and concern.

I'm not sure if you have patterns to your rapid cycling over the years but you were in a bad state in 2002 just about this same time of year. I wonder if that has any connection? Some people just get hit harder by the depressions during certain times of year........I don't know the reasons why.

Please consider printing out your posts here to take to your therapist or pdoc. Just two weeks of your posts would be ample for the professionals to get a better idea of what is going on with you when you're not there in front of them or on the telephone with them.

Good luck and I'm hopeful the professionals will continue trying to help you and that you will continue trying to go to the professionals for help.

You're right zen. I was in this exact place at this time in 2002 and that's my whole point. I'll never be loved. What's life without love. It's not for me. Things are not going to change for me. Three years later and a whole string of more rejections and abandonment. I can't keep going down this same old road. I've no energy or desire left. There's just no point anymore. I have so much love but it has once again been questioned for valiidity and then rejected. It's my fault. It always is. I'm my own worst enemy. This is what my life is and always will be. This is no life. No life anybody would want. Not me. I took the risk, I opened my heart to somebody and now it is shattered. My life is shattered. It will always be shattered. As you can see, this is history repeating itself. I'm tired. I'm worn out.

It will get better and your moods will get stable just hang in there we're here throught it all with ya
Angie

i'm trying to hang on but i can't find much to hang on to.

Sounds like the reason your meds may not be working, is of several possible reasons, wrong ones for your disorder, possibly time to change pdocs, if the present isn't working with you on this, patience with mild side effects with certain meds, many take awhile (almost a month or 2 for some) for a person to feel the full positive effects., dosages may need increase or decrease, and last, some of us lack compliance with treatment, building a wall around ourselves, getting stuck in a nasty cycle.
I really feel you need to tell your pdoc (if you haven't already) what you mention here, he or she may need a nudge to help you or change to a new pdoc.
You do not have to suffer like this, there are good pdocs out there, effective medications, and treatment plans.
I had similar feelings you mentioned, and I continued following pdoc's advice and trying different meds and/or combinations, and finally with patience things finally fell into place. I understand how frustrating the "waiting" can be, but please do not give up, you can make it.
Please take care,

DE

darkeyes

The meds that I've tried or am currently on are all standard meds for my disorder. The ones that I gave up due to side effects wasn't because the side effects were mild. They were severe, allergic reactions or possibly potentially fatal. I'm extremely med sensitive to any type of meds other than painkillers. I can't take any antibiotics or anti-inflammatories, either allergic to them or have an extremely bad reaction to them. Dosage increases and decreases have been a steady thing for me, I'm quite aware of that and how long it takes for meds to even kick in, and I am very compliant with treatment. I have not built a wall around me at all. If anything, I am the one that is more open than my pdoc. I've had several '2nd' opinions. Some ppl are harder to treat with meds, I guess I am one of them but it certainly isn't for a lack of trying.

I have been trying to find the right combo now for 4 years. Yes, it's very frustrating but I'm not going to give up. I don't want to feel like this. I want to feel better. So, my search will continue or dosages will be increased. I definitely need to discuss it with my pdoc. It is always a joint decision on what route we take. Thanks for your encouragement.

Sending you some ((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))) and many wishes for good luck with this endeavor

DE

Thx. Someday something will work out with these meds. Til then I just keep going on the best that I can. I think she needs to increase my mood stabilizer but I'm not really sure what most ppl take of the one I'm on and I don't think these ADs work at all or I guess I wouldn't really know unless I stopped them and that's too scary a prospect for me with the depth of how low I get now. I guess it's time for another net research project.