[che170]

Since my bf told me he lives with BP, I have been doing everything possible to understand it. I know much of what happens isn't his fault, and that is why I remain with him, other than the fact I do love him very much. He did start mood stabilizers last week and it sems to be making a difference. He seems to be more "middle of the road", what the Dr. calls it. The thing is, when I'm in need of some support he can still be very mean. We have had a great week for the most part and a great day yesterday. When everything is going his way, he loves me, says how he is so lucky to have me in his life, I'm perfect for him, etc. But last night, after having such a great day, we had a major disagreement. I found him on a website about a month ago for people looking to have an affair, he says he didn't meet anyone and I believe him, he went off the site. He down right lied to me about having lunch with a female friend. The lunch isn't what bothered me it's the lie. I put these things behind me in order to move on with our lives, and we have discussed them in therapy. But the same thing happened yesterday. I live with him and we're cleaning out some things from his house. I found massage oils and such while we were cleaning. I tried to make lite of it and he said he threw them away. OK, so the day went on and it was great. Just before we went over to his friends place, I found out he lied again, he didn't throw them away, just found another place to hide them. It's not the oils, it's the lies. We ended up going over to his friends. My heart does act up over stress, I have been to doctors so I know the problem. Never the less it doesn't make it any less scary. I excused myself and came home, we only live next door. When my bf came home, instead of being concerned about me and my heart, he let me know how much I ruined everyone's night. He wants me to go over and appologize for ruining everyones night. He said I have many issues and I must be the one with a diagnosis and I have been lying to him about it since we met. He said I just used my heart issue to manipulate people and it went on and on....so many hurtful things. I have been to many therapists over the years and still see one now. No one has ever diagnosed me with anything...they say it's all situational and stress. I guess the question is, can this be a part of BP or could it just be his personality, maybe it's one in the same. How can he love me and never want to lose me and the next minute he cannot stand the sight of me? He is extremely hurtful, but he makes it all my fault. He doesn't want me to cry, he says he'd make love to me more often if I weren't "a mean person' or he'd love me more if I were "nice". He has wanted to have me admitted to hospitals for psych evals. even though our therapist assures him, I'm not "crazy" and i do not need to be hospitalized. When this happens it rips me apart. I believe he loves me, but is this common? Can his BP make him soooo hurtful? And if so, can it change? I have an ex. brother in law who lives with BP and he and his wife have been married for a long time, and it seems happily, they are very close. Is it a matter of time, or do I need to learn to live with this and block out his hurtful words? I know this is a long story, I am hurting so much now and it continues to happen. I need to know what to do. I don't have any family and my friends aren't close by. I needed to let it out and this is where I came. Please help me to understand. I continue to stand by him and support him, I love him and he has an illness, but does that mean it should be an excuse to keep hurting me to the point I haven't any fight left in me and nothing left to give. I'm so drained.

[rcsweep]

i would say allot of it sounds like bipolar. it sounds like he is also maybe experiencing the hyper sexuality that can come with bipolar, maybe not. if so the lies could stem from guilt or the avoidance of guilt and or anxiety.
on one hand he probably needs you to get through starting meds and therapy and on the other you can,t help if your sick. just as he has a certain level of responsibility for his own treatment you must take care of yourself first.

[ECHOES]

As my therapist said, "What isn't a part of personality?"

His behavior is entirely his responsibility, as it is for anyone.
Whether you choose to accept this kind of a relationship that includes hurtful words, is about what you choose for you. You may understand where his behavior comes from, but you don't have to subject yourself to it or accept it or let the diagnosis be an excuse for it so that you end up condoning it.

From what you wrote, he is controlling and blaming and not taking personal responsibility. He won't feel any need to change his behavior if it isn't about him.
His behavior is classic abuser. I hope you are discussing this with your therapist to see why you are willing to be treated this way. That part of it is about you.

[mlpHolmes]

Dear che 170,

His behavior is not from being Bipolar.

You are being abused & accepting it.

You deserve to be treated w/ Love.

xoxo
Holmes

[che170]

Thank you all for your kind and supportive words. It can be very difficult as i'm sure most of you know. I have been told the same thing before, it sounds like abuse. I'd hate to think I am in this type of relationship and everything he has said to me was in the "honeymoon" phase and just to keep me here. That's one of the things that hurts so much, i love him and hope he means it when he says it to me too, but who knows. Whether it's BP or not, is that an excuse and can this change? I'd hate to think I was taken for a fool, I really want to believe he loves me.

Originally Posted by che170

Thank you all for your kind and supportive words. It can be very difficult as i'm sure most of you know. I have been told the same thing before, it sounds like abuse. I'd hate to think I am in this type of relationship and everything he has said to me was in the "honeymoon" phase and just to keep me here. That's one of the things that hurts so much, i love him and hope he means it when he says it to me too, but who knows. Whether it's BP or not, is that an excuse and can this change? I'd hate to think I was taken for a fool, I really want to believe he loves me.

I have been told the same thing before, it sounds like abuse

Maybe now that a few more have confirmed it for you you'll be able to accept it.

Whether it's BP or not, is that an excuse and can this change?

An illness or dissability is never an excuse unless its an unknown.

Once its known one learns to take resonsibility as best one can .

Change is specific to each person . Some can and others won't or can't or find it very difficult to do so . Addictions / patterns are difficut to change but they can be overcome. Change does take time and effort.

I'd hate to think I was taken for a fool, I really want to believe he loves me.

When someone lies repeatedly it makes everything questionalble after while .

Im not taken for a fool , I " volunteer" because I don't pay attention to the little voice thats trying to shout at me and is waving the red flags furriously in my face . I usually have help ingnoring or down playing issues from the other . I want the good stuff and I ingnore the not so great . And I don't like to give up on people either . Some selfish hope of mine involved

You can try to make some new friends and begin looking for a place to live on your own . You may need this if you decide to set limits and boundires for behavior you are no longer willing to tolerate .



Patricia

[thalia2]

Mmm my two cents....yes, bipolars in an episode can be angry and abusive. But if he were combative because he was in a mood episode (manic mixed or depressed), you'd know it from a lot of other signs.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

As my therapist said, "What isn't a part of personality?"

I've had the same wonderings. Experiences shape our personalities and they are always changing as we age grow discover and uncover.

[Berries]

((((((((((((((((che170))))))))))))))))

I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years and I can spot one a mile away. In my honest and sincere opinion, you should cut your losses NOW before anymore time goes by and you become even more isolated and trapped. His behavior, whether it is his personality or bipolar DOES NOT MATTER, it is abusive and hurtful.
You do not deserve his hurtful words, his manipulations, nor his lies.
You deserve to be treated with respect, gentle care, support, and true love.
I hope you keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. And how the relationship is going. If you stay or if you leave, we want to support you the best that we can.

[che170]

Originally Posted by Berries

((((((((((((((((che170))))))))))))))))

I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years and I can spot one a mile away. In my honest and sincere opinion, you should cut your losses NOW before anymore time goes by and you become even more isolated and trapped. His behavior, whether it is his personality or bipolar DOES NOT MATTER, it is abusive and hurtful.
You do not deserve his hurtful words, his manipulations, nor his lies.
You deserve to be treated with respect, gentle care, support, and true love.
I hope you keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. And how the relationship is going. If you stay or if you leave, we want to support you the best that we can.

Thanks Berries for your support. I received your friend request and did accept it. I haven't done this before so i hope I did it correctly and you are added as my friend.

[sunflower55]

Che,
Are you willing to live with this treatment the rest of your life?
Are you willing to bring children into this type of life?
How long will it be before you begin to get resentful?
Before you begin to get angry yourself?
Why do you believe you deserve to be treated this way?

When will you learn that you are a beautiful child of G*D,
deserving of all that is good in this world?

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with G*D, whatever you conceive Him to be and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

Max Ehrmann,
1920s

Are you at peace with your soul? With the Universe?
You deserve to be.
Strive for it!

Peace!

[Berries]

Originally Posted by che170

Thanks Berries for your support. I received your friend request and did accept it. I haven't done this before so i hope I did it correctly and you are added as my friend.

Yes, you did it right. You are now on my friends' list. Thank you!

[Berries]

Originally Posted by sunflower55

Che,
Are you willing to live with this treatment the rest of your life?
Are you willing to bring children into this type of life?
How long will it be before you begin to get resentful?
Before you begin to get angry yourself?
Why do you believe you deserve to be treated this way?

When will you learn that you are a beautiful child of G*D,
deserving of all that is good in this world?

Max Ehrmann,
1920s

Are you at peace with your soul? With the Universe?
You deserve to be.
Strive for it!

Peace!

[che170]

I am grateful for everyone's support here and all of your advice. I'm still trying to figure it all out. I read other's entry's, people that live with someone diagnosed with BP. I truly understand where you all are coming from with the concern of abuse it's not anything new mentioned to me. Yet after reading what some others deal with, it appears many people diagnosed with BP can become mean and hurtful at times. Where is the line drawn between the diagnosis and when it becomes abuse? Is it that others may be more tolerant than I am and can brush it off and maybe I'm taking it too personally?

[ECHOES]

Each person gets to decide how others can treat them.
So, what one considers acceptable, another one does not.
Abuse is abuse. Hurtful and mean is hurtful and mean.
Taking it personally...I wonder, how could you not?

A diagnosis is simply a word. A word used to describe a bundle of symptoms. It isn't a shield to hide behind when behavior is unacceptable. Blaming the diagnosis is not taking personal responsiblity.

You can't fix this. You can't 'forgive' this "X" number of times and then it will go away. He needs to be working with a therapist and only he can fix it.

[Berries]

i have Bipolar and I have never been an abusive partner. i also know other bipolars who have not been abusive their partners.

Your partner has bipolar and that makes everything more difficult, but it is not why he is abusing you. He is abusing you because he is abusing you.

You need to draw a line and make some boundaries and requirements for this relationship and expect him to make some major changes and comply with those boundaries and requirements.

If in fact, his bipolar makes it impossible for him to change then he should not be in a relationship. Some people can't work because of BP, some can't be parents because of the BP and some people can't be in intimate relationships because of their BP. It is sad and horrible but in my opinion TRUE. Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing?

[che170]

Originally Posted by Berries

i have Bipolar and I have never been an abusive partner. i also know other bipolars who have not been abusive their partners.

Your partner has bipolar and that makes everything more difficult, but it is not why he is abusing you. He is abusing you because he is abusing you.

You need to draw a line and make some boundaries and requirements for this relationship and expect him to make some major changes and comply with those boundaries and requirements.

If in fact, his bipolar makes it impossible for him to change then he should not be in a relationship. Some people can't work because of BP, some can't be parents because of the BP and some people can't be in intimate relationships because of their BP. It is sad and horrible but in my opinion TRUE. Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing?

Thanks Berries for putting it into perspective. It's so hard because I truly love him. Two weeks ago he finally went to a new doc and was put on mood stabilizers. In many ways they seem to help, they only area we still have problems is when i need him to understand something I may be going through, he can get very defensive and angry. I never speak to him like it's his fault, I only tell him what is hurting me and ask for his understanding. I just feel everything and everyone is more important. He can be very loving, but in a situation where I found him on a website looking to have an affair, then a week later he says he doesn't desire me as much anymore, it hurts. What he said was in the heat of an argument, but none the less, it still hurts. We aren't as intimate as we once were and i try to let it go, but after a while the hurt surfaces and I need to talk to him. That's when he gets angry. We go on for a while, everything is great, but when I try to tell him how I feel, he sees this as me making it go wrong, and then the anger and hurtful words come out. is it too much to want him to be there for me once in a while? I'm asking seriously because maybe i'm asking something he isn't capable of giving. He was married once for only a few years, but has been divorced for 15. He was engaged once, but that relationship lasted for only a year. I beleive you are right, he is able to work when he is up or depressed, but he never did have any children. As for the relationships, it seems this one is lasting longer, I would like to think because I understand and support him in every way possible. I'm hoping with the new meds and continued therapy he will be able to have a better understanding of where I am coming from. Again, maybe I'm asking him to give me something he's not able to do and that hurts because I love him and I'm doing everything in my power to make this work.

[Berries]

(((((((((((((((che170))))))))))))))))

It is NOT too much to ask for him to be there for you. It is something you have a right to demand from a partner. Just because he has BP doesn't excuse him of being the other half of this relationship, it certainly doesn't mean it is always all about him just because he has an illness!
I hear that you love him and want to give him time to change, give the meds and his therapy a chance to work and that isn't a bad idea in my opinion. But you need to draw a line somewhere. You need to have him know where you stand, how much you will take and how long you are willing to give him to turn things around.
But most important, try to get involved in people and things outside of the relationship. Form or maintain friendships and have hobbies or a volunteer job. DO NOT get isolated in the relationship. Because if all you have is him and you are dependent on him for everything, it will be extremely hard to leave him if that is what you eventually decide to do. You don't want to become trapped.
Hopefully, the meds and therapy will help. I am rooting for you and always on your side, no matter what you decide to do.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. And please Private Message me anytime you want.
Take care

[che170]

I have been receiving so much support here and I am so thankful that I found this site. I know it seems I ask the same questions, I am so confused. Yes, I know what my bf says and does, qualifies as abuse. I don't want to use the BP as an excuse, it's just that when things are going well, it's truly great. But when he's hurtful the pain is so deep. Maybe I should try to brush it off, but it's so hard. We do go to couples therapy and I told my bf what is important to me, such as not being kicked out anymore and we talk things through rather than be hurtful. He agreed saying if it weren't for me he wouldn't be on new meds with a new doc etc. Anyway again last night (and just a couple of hours after he said he'd NEVER do this to me again) he told me he doesn't know if he wants me anymore, to get out, if I don't leave he'll call the cops and if i don't leave him alone he'd hit me. Yes, I know that's should be it and no I do not believe in anyway I should be hit. I have been there before, in another relationship, and i have left. It's so difficult because when he's stable we have a great relationship, but when he's "up" he's sooo mean....it hurts so much to think that just the day before or an hour before, he loved me so much and all of a sudden, he can't stand me, now to the point he says he'd hurt me. I'm ripped apart inside. I want to help him and yes I believe he's helping himself by starting with a new doc and couples therapy, but in the mean time........i'm so hurt.....it's getting really hard.