[cluelessgluten]

Years ago after joining the military I was having the usual separation anxiety but I did not want to feel the pain so I told my self to turn it off. Yea right like that could really work right. Problem is it worked to damn good. I came to the sudden realization last night as I left my family behind again that I was numb. Not just to the pain of leaving those I love, but to everything. I enjoy flying always have. Whether as a passenger or crew member I enjoy being in the air. Last night I felt nothing. So numb. I tried to recall earlier feelings while flying but could not even remember what that felt like. It is as though I turned off that part of my brain. How do I turn it back on. I feel like I am in this empty vessel just along for the ride. I am in hear screaming to get out but now I am hurried in here under all this. I WANT OUT!!I WANT TO FEEL ALIVE AGAIN. Where is that fun loving kid? Where did he go? I am in here I just feel this weight in my head. I am me but I don't always feel like me. It is weird. I started this to escape the pain. I miss my family but I did not cry when I left. But when I see there pictures of When they were little I cry. I feel that. This sudden rush of emotion and regret floods my mind. Then I push it away. Turn it off. Don't want to be reminded of all I missed. Of the two young men who grow up without me. Even as I type this I fight off and suppress the feelings associated with these memories. It is such a habit now it is almost second nature. How do I turn this off and my emotions back on. Could this be what happened in 06 when I had my melt down? Am I doomed to repeat this visious cycle? Is this something anyone else does?

[bpd2]

Clueless, I'm so sorry. I've been wondering where your posts were. And here you are, very sad.

First, isn't your sleep schedule VERY screwed up? Your description of your experience sounds like a depressive episode. So, get your sleep and good habits in place asap.

Second, you had a huge holiday--much going on emotionally. In some ways, it has to be a relief to leave. There's this thing that happens for me: as soon as I have my bags packed, I'm gone.....I'm shutting down where I am, and imagininge where I'll be.

Living in the moment is the antidote for me. I bring myself back from the zone by paying attention to really little things: the crackle of the peanuts package--which it turns out is intensely irritating, the shape of the letters on a paperback page, etc.

Families are an enormous world. The have whole ecosystems, watersheds, natural disasters in them......and kids are resilient. I find that I don't understand most of what happens with my family until awhile later........"awhile" like a month or two or more.

You aren't doomed to cycles of depression. Even if you're bipolar also, as long as we're on our meds, we're almost entirely safe. If the meltdown is a bpd one, it really does matter that now you have us, and it really does matter that you are already seeing mental health professionals. And, it does help to be in the moment as much as possible. Don't push yourself so much...Be....Be.

[cluelessgluten]

Originally Posted by bpd2

Clueless, I'm so sorry. I've been wondering where your posts were. And here you are, very sad.

First, isn't your sleep schedule VERY screwed up? Your description of your experience sounds like a depressive episode. So, get your sleep and good habits in place asap.

Second, you had a huge holiday--much going on emotionally. In some ways, it has to be a relief to leave. There's this thing that happens for me: as soon as I have my bags packed, I'm gone.....I'm shutting down where I am, and imagininge where I'll be.

Living in the moment is the antidote for me. I bring myself back from the zone by paying attention to really little things: the crackle of the peanuts package--which it turns out is intensely irritating, the shape of the letters on a paperback page, etc.

Families are an enormous world. The have whole ecosystems, watersheds, natural disasters in them......and kids are resilient. I find that I don't understand most of what happens with my family until awhile later........"awhile" like a month or two or more.

You aren't doomed to cycles of depression. Even if you're bipolar also, as long as we're on our meds, we're almost entirely safe. If the meltdown is a bpd one, it really does matter that now you have us, and it really does matter that you are already seeing mental health professionals. And, it does help to be in the moment as much as possible. Don't push yourself so much...Be....Be.

I have been depressed for awhile now. Now that you mention it the emptiness I'm feeling is probably because of depression. Can't find happiness in anything. I hate feeling like this. I am not this person. My wife sees it too. She thinks I can just snap out of it. But it is not that easy. I know why I am depressed. 06 brought me a lot of saddness. I had major depression then the suicide attempt and psychogenic seizures all brought on by sleep deprivation due to severe allergies. That is just the short version. So much more going on in 06 That led up to all that. Now I am left behind while my peers continue to enjoy being aircrew
While I am happy they have that I am still envious. It is all I ever wanted to do. On top of my ongoing mental health issues it is more than I care to endure. My wife wonders if she will ever get the old me back. Which brings up old fears. How long will she stay. How long will she put up with my nasty attitude and saddness bring her down. The bigger question is when will she leave. She going to meet some one again and this time she will leave me for him

[chicken_wing]

hi clueless. I don't know what to say but I just wanted to you know that I am listening.

[bpd2]

Clueless, when you write about your fears, I hear how worried you are not just that they'll leave you, but that you aren't being as strong as your wife wants you to be. But you are being strong. You are trying very, very hard.

People make the decisions they make because that is what they think they need or want.

We want happiness for the people we love, and we want their love. It sounds to me like she and the boys love you, and it's clear that you love them. Don't minimize the positive, okay?

[cluelessgluten]

Originally Posted by bpd2

Second, you had a huge holiday--much going on emotionally. In some ways, it has to be a relief to leave. There's this thing that happens for me: as soon as I have my bags packed, I'm gone.....I'm shutting down where I am, and imagininge where I'll be.

Living in the moment is the antidote for me. I bring myself back from the zone by paying attention to really little things: the crackle of the peanuts package--which it turns out is intensely irritating, the shape of the letters on a paperback page, etc.

I do know what you mean about the living the moment. That is what I was saying I push away feelings and usually enjoy what is around me. But I noticed I didn't even enjoy flying. Which is weird because I always enjoy that. It was the one thing I had before. I even tried to think back to my aircrew days and pull from those feelings, but it was as though they were buried under this incredible weight. At least that's the best way I can describe it. I wanted so bad to feel something but I was numb. I know sleeplessness can make depression worse but I have been feeling this for days maybe a week. Popping fire works another big one for me. It just didn't have the same feeling this year. I put on a good face for the youngest because he really loves it too, so I didn't want to spoil it for him. All I wanted to do was immerse my self in that video game. It is a way for me to disconnect that and movies. But then I feel guilty for neglecting everyone. My pdoc says when I am down I need to be around people to pull my self out of slump. While that does work sometimes there are times when I just can't do it. I find myself aggravated by little stuff and I keep it all inside because I don't want to ruin everyone else's fun. I just smile on the outside and inside say the mean and hatefull things I would really like to say. Or if I really realty hate someone I will avoid taking to them all together. The only problem is it all builds up and my wife and kids pay for it when it comes out. And of course that's what I did. My kids must thing I'm some kind of psychopath the way I snap over little crap like them chewing with their mouths open. Then I feel like crap because I am only home for a couple weeks for the holidays and I ruin everything. The oldest left and went to grandparents house. I don't blame him I would too if I were him. I am so scared that when they grow up they will resent me and not ever want to be around me. I think sometimes I going to die a lonely old man and there will be no one there at my funeral because no one will want any thing to do with me.

I don't like being alone but I need to be alone sometimes to recharge. I can only be around people for so long. Even my own family. I feel guilty for this but if I don't have this time I get grumpy. Sometimes I just can't be around any one. Not even my dogs. I don't want my wife to touch me I just want to be alone. I try not to show it but it comes out in the form of grumpiness. I don't know why this is but it cause problems for us because she thinks it is her and beleives I don't love her. While I do have those moments when I treat her bad a say mean and hateful things that's not it. But it leads in that direction sometimes because of fights that have been started because she would leave me be. Even when I ask her to just leave me alone she would keep pushing until I get real bad off and loose lock my self in a bathroom are closet with a razor blade she forces her way in and wrestles it from me, then I beat myself in the head. So much rage. Why can't she just leave me be. Then I do hate her. This has been happening two to three times a year. 06/07 was the worst. Very bad time I ended up in the hospital. I thought I was going group be committed. That is the main reason I held so much back from doctors because I thought they would label me a nutcase and send me too the funnyfarm. I didn't fool anyone one of the doctors even put it in her report to the military docs that I didn't admit to any short comings and that everyone has something wrong with them. I know I am babbling again but it helps me to write it down. And it helps for perspective from someone else who has similar issues and understands my pain. Doctors and family don't get it. It did help some once I opened up, but I Have a ways to go. Thank you BPD2 for your perspective!! You and everyone here are a godsend. I mean that knowing that there is hope for me helps. It doesn't feel that way right know but know that there are folks out there with way bigger demons than me that have learned to manage things is comforting. (((Kalisha))) I hope your doing alright haven't heard from you in a while and just want you to know your in my thoughts. Hang in there.

[bpd2]

Being alone to soothe yourself is under-rated. It's okay.
A thought: therapy that involves the family has the highest rate of success. Especially if the family is what's called "over-involved"...which means they try to take over for the borderline. Even though you are not at home much, it's worth suggesting to your wife that she and the kids get therapy to support themselves and you.....I wonder if that could be arranged? It would take some of the pressure off of all of you. And pressure/stress often is the source of depression and dissociation.

[cluelessgluten]

Thanks BPD2, I have taken my wife to session but to help with explaining symptoms to doc. Getting her and kids involved in process could help me and them. It might help her understand me better.

You are the greatest you don't feel good and still you offer advice thanks. I hope you feel better.

[bpd2]

TY, Clueless...just one of those days, but still able to remember what has helped me and people I actually know....So that's something!!!?

[cluelessgluten]

Listening to music and the strangest thing happened. I felt something. It was only for a fleeting moment but I felt it. I felt alive. Had a few other weaker moments after but not as intense. I want to feel that again. I want to feel alive and not numb. Not sure what it was exactly but I felt it. It seemed like some distant memory or an idea not sure but it was there if only a millisecond I felt it. Once I realized it was there it was gone. I don't remember what the thought or memory was but I want to feel it again. I hate this nothingness inside my soul. This emptiness surrounds me. I am engulfed in darkness and can't find my way out. But today I saw a glimmer of light. It was a tease. Why wont it come back? Where did it go? Why can't I feel?

[bpd2]

For us, it's generally not a good idea to dwell on painful thoughts--probably not a good idea for anyone.

And....there's a bipolar joke that almost fits us: "Don't like yourself? Just wait."
(NO, it doesn't mean "if you don't like yourself now, wait until you see what's coming!"-------which is the way I took it first. Then I got the joke...bpd'rs are called emotionally labile for a reason.....This will change. Give it a good for days at least...

[cluelessgluten]

Yea I know this wont last for ever. Lately though I have only had OK days. Even on good days there is still this weight on me. This uncomfortable feeling. I haven't felt really alive since. 06. Last night I felt this amazing feeling. It was like being in the middle of a snow storm and for a split second it was spring only to return to the storm. Well that's just an analogy but I think You get my meaning. I do try to avoid dwelling on the past because it only makes Things worse. Well anyway thanks for the kind words as always. You are a very wise woman and I hope you are having a better day than yesterday.

[bpd2]

TY Clueless!
The springtime feeling is poignant....the neverlasting.
I'm aiming for mostly better most of the time.

[cluelessgluten]

Don't we all. Aim for better days that is. Today is OK. Not as depressed as yesterday. Though there is always that lingering feeling I feel pretty good today. Slept OK last night once I got settled so not as tired today. I think your positive words helped. Sometimes you sound a lot like my psychologist. I m sure years of therapy your bound to learn a thing or two. LOL thanks again BPD2.

[bpd2]

Anothuh yeah oldah anda deepah in debt...

[Uprwestsdr]

The numbness happens to me when depression is getting worse. It's an empty, dead feeling.