[MDDBPDPTSD]

I've been depressed for a long time. I am not suicidal; but iIdo wish for my life to end, as I am miserable here. I have other physical ailments in addition to BPD & I am just plain tired of being here. I am tired of waking up each day. I am tired of having to face the fear of the possibilities of what yet another day might bring.

Because of certain physical symptoms, I had reason to hope to I may have a form of cancer. After suspectinging this & dealing with the symptoms for over a year, I went in to see a doctor, who gave me the results of the tests today. I do not have it! The symptoms have some "normal" explanation. I am disheartened. While I did not know if it was cancer, at least I had the hope that my misery could be ending soon. But now that hope is gone.


Does anyone know what I mean?

[bpd2]

Yes.
And if there were something wrong that would take us "away", then there wouldn't be any shame, and no guilt, and...I hate to name this yearning: compassion. What there was to be mourned could be mourned, and there would be a cleansing.

But no. Not happening.....Instead there is now, these things, these issues, this struggle.

So....and so.....and so....There we are.

Having said all that, what kinds of possiblities do you face in another day? What is on your mind most about tomorrow? Or, even now?

[bpd2]

I have to go now. I'll be back on tomorrow, and I'll look for your post. Hang in there.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

I think you are right. I think part of my frustration is that my family & friends keep trying to convince me that there is nothing really wrong with me that I can just decide to change. I get told to "just think positive", "forgive others & myself", "let go & let God." The implication is that if I did any of these things, I'd be fine. It's not like I'm ill or anything. In other words, my suffering is my own fault.

If I had cancer, I might still be told to think positive, but no one would be so ridiculous as to think that would cure the disease.

On the other hand, friends and family use the fact that I have a mental illness to invalidate my ideas. After all, what does the crazy person know, right?
But if I had cancer, well, I'd still have a mental illness.

[bpd2]

Good morning (on Pacific Time)--
Yes...."forgive others and yourself"......that's a tough one, especially. They have no idea what they're asking.
Do you have a therapist? How llong have you known you have BPD?

[3mabx]

I can completely understand aswell, about a year ago i found a tumour but it turned out to be benign. People don't seem to understand this as all. My family seem to think i can snap out of it and my mother doesnt even believe in personality disorders. When i found out i didnt have cancer i was dissapointed. Its an overwhelming feeling of tiredness with it all. Suicide seems appealing but I couldnt put them through that as my mum has nobody else. My dad left us and took my brothers with him years ago and i havbent had contact with any of them since. I do not want to put her through the shame and guilt of losing again. She has her own problems with drug dependancy and i do love her but sometimes i wish she could just be a mom to me for once. If life was like a video game id simply turn off the console but its hard to leave things as they are. If it was all taken out of our hands then that would feel better but I dont know that finding out something like that wouldnt push me to just end it there and then. I found out two weeks ago my dad recently attempted suicide again but couldnt even do that properly. Its agonising going through this the way we have to. If you need someone to talk to when you're feeling your worst im always here, i know myself it would be nice to be able to talk to someone when i SI and ther suicidal thoughts start to circle. hope you're okay and if you need any help. xoxx

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Yeah, I have a therapist & a psychiatrist. I have known I am different from everyone else since childhood, but accepting the label of BPD has been an on & off thing for me.
I guess I just thought that if I had cancer, I would still be in pain, but at least the pain would have a purpose. It would have a foreseeable end. Possibly, that end would be put an end to the rest of my pain as well. \

I know it is bizarre, but it would have been a relief to hear the doctor say that the tests were positive for malignant cells. I actusally started crying when she said I didn't have it.

For once, I would have some "valid" reason to hurt. & I would have some hope that the pain would end in a reasonable amount of time. It might even be reasonable to expect the medical community to get on board with pain management in a way they can not seem to do now. (Yes, I understand why they can't, but that doesn't make dealing with it any easier.)

So, now, here I sit, with all this pain & all the issues that go along with it & no hope of it ending soon. The good thing is, I am not young, so it can't be that much longer.

So, I continue struggling along. I guess there is always a heart attack to hope for, right?

BTW, my therapist & my doc both know I want to die, but I am not suicidal.

[phoenix7]

yes i have said before - its not that i want to die its just that i dont want to live anymore - to go in this never ending cycle of despair -so yes i understand.

is the pain you talk of emotional or physical or both? Somtimes i say to myself if my pain were from a broken arm people would see it and see i had a "real" problem - there would also be a time frame i could be told for healing and then i would be ok

With BPD and PTSD or any disorder - timeframes have no meaning - it takes as long as it takes.....

but there can be healing - my old T taught me that - he helped me a lot - he became sick and retired and i miss his commonsense and irreverant approach to psychotherapy.

can you share wiht us what is making you feel this way?

Maybe we can help - or just listen...

as to your family - perhaps they are in denial - if they dont admit its real then its not for them

one of the hardest things is to learn to ignore those words from those that are toxic to us - im constantly trying to learn that

im here and im listeneing if you care to share

P7 (are you on any meds? )

((((3mabx)))) theres a support chat room here andalso if ever im on and you need to talk ....let me know P7

[MDDBPDPTSD]

It would be so nice just to turn life off, like a video console. I appreciate the kind words of support from y'all. I think what helps even more is that someone else not only knows what I mean, but has felt this way too. I am not so alone. Thank you for being generous with your feelings & experiences so that I could know that.

I am on meds, but nothing really helps.

I have physical, emotional & spiritual pain.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by MDDBPDPTSD

It would be so nice just to turn life off, like a video console.

or press reset when things stuff up.....

I appreciate the kind words of support from y'all. I think what helps even more is that someone else not only knows what I mean, but has felt this way too. I am not so alone. Thank you for being generous with your feelings & experiences so that I could know that.

not alone - there are many here who have felt that way, or still do at times....

I am on meds, but nothing really helps.

a change of meds could be an idea - when i was on the first anti-depressant i tried i was still suicidal - the 2nd one turned me into a Zombie, im on Cymbalta now - and that sort of evens things out - i stil get the lows but they are not as low as they were before ... may i ask what meds you are on?

I have physical, emotional & spiritual pain.

Im sorry to hear that - if you care to share any more details - i wil listen and help if i can - as wil others here

[bpd2]

This morning, as I was reading through the thread, I was struck by a line in one of Phoenix's posts about how hard it is to ignore the hurtful words/attitudes of those who are toxic to us.

What I've been thinking since then, is that if I could influence others' words to me to be more positive, I know I would feel better about myself. I don't mean this in a polyanna-ish way. I mean, if I'm stuck with some of these people, and they are the only people in my life (and there are precious few), then I need to change what they say to me. I mean I need it for me. So, I am going to be thinking about that...about how to do that...

I have a chat later today, in three or four hours, and I may switch to that topic--I was thinking of something else, but it was less focused.

What do you think--either about the idea itself, or about it as a topic for the chat?

[phoenix7]

i think its a good topic - but a very hard one to do - toxic people tend to stay with their points of view because it keeps them "right" and "safe " JMO

often they have been damaged - somtimes by the same behaviours and words that they then heap on others - it can be a sign of a deep insecurity that they have to tear others down so that they seem taller....

I remember reading a long time ago - that if you experienced abuse you either became an abuser or you went out of your way not to be - i think there are a few more shades of grey inbetween those two statements but basically its true - again JMO

I went out of my way to not be like my father - never married - never had kids .... never passed on my "bad blood" now i see after many wasted years that the only one that protected was me - it saved me from interacting wiht the world and being part of it - and that was my main reason for wanting to just STOP everything especially after PTSD was added to my list lol

MDDBPDPTSD has people around that think that their probs can be "fixed" by just positive thinking - well that is part of it - but a whole lot of hard work and therapy has to be done to get past that feeling and back into the light - and i think tht is probably their way of dealing with it - by denying its existance .. JMO (just my opinion)

hugs to all

P7

[MDDBPDPTSD]

I think that if we change how we react to those the behavior we don't want from those in our lives, then their behavior will probably change in some way. How it will change is up to them of course, but if what they do no longer works for them, then they will change it. Of course that is total theory & has nothing to do with how difficult it is to change & the walls of resistance we have built around ourselves & our relationships.

I am currently on Cymbalta, Celexa, Trazadone & Ativan. I have been on Zoloft, Effexor, Abilify, Lithium & about 5 others that I don't remember the names. This combination works the best, but that isn't saying much. The Cymbalta does help with the depression, but it is more for my fibromyalgia. Celexa is for depression & anxiety. Trazadone is for sleep. Ativan is taken only when needed to prevent anxiety from taking over, which is usually when I have to leave my house, although lately I have found myself needing it more & more even at home. This increased usage concerned me enough to discuss it with the psychiatrist who suggested I continue to be vigilant in monitoring my usage of Ativan, as I could build up a tolerance to it & then it would not work. The thought of having to deal with life without the assistance of an effective anti-anxiety drug is terrifying to me! So I am being much more conservative about reaching for that bottle.
I instead try much harder to make the relaxation & other techniques work first. You know the ones I mean? Like mindfull breathing or distracting oneself from the anxiety producing stimulus or self soothing? Perhaps as I practice these more frequently, Ativan will become less a part of my life.

I take other drugs too, but they are for physical things, not "psych" meds. I really hate that classification though, because I believe that my (probably everybody's) BPD is a result of a screwed up nervous system, probably a specifically a brain disorder. Just most of the medical community hasn't figured that out yet. Sigh.
I asked my psy.doc. to do an MRI of my brain to prove I had BPD, as a former therapist told me that there were visible differences in BPD brains, & he said he had no knowledge of it. It would be pointless to do because there is no widely accepted criteria for diagnosing BPD based on MRI results. Even of there were. the treatment would not change. Sigh.

So, I guess the fact that it would prove that there is something physically different about me & therefore validate what I have felt all my life, is too insignificant. That is not a good enough reason to do an MRI. UGH!

I hate people!

Actually, as people go, my psych doc is pretty good. It's not him, it's life that it the problem. The whole system. Society, expectations, needs, pain... all that stuff.

[bpd2]

Hi--Been blue and busy, but I've been reading along.
Meds.....I'm on Tegretol and Lamictal for mood stabilizers, massive B vitamin shots every month, massive vitamin D pills twice a week, ativan as needed, and Nuvigil for days that suck...I was surprised at how quickly it works. Maybe preferable to Ativan....different, though...

I really like my psychiatrist. My therapist and I have our differences--more and more it seems: I give him an inch of wellness, and he thinks it's a mile....

[phoenix7]

I think with the MRI it would be two things that stoped your pdoc from ordering one -

1 - cost - they are very expensive and if he feels that it wont change the course of the therapy/meds why bother?

2 - any form of radiation/magnetic fields to the brain are limited as muchas possible for possible side effects

not that i agree wiht your pdoc - i know when i dmaged my back adn the x rays showed a minor problem - i knew they were wrong - i mean the pain was telling me they were wrong but the drs wouldnt believe me - it wasnt till i had an MRI they found out the true extent of the damage - so i can see where you are coming from - i think its about validating that we have a problem - when there is nophysical sign - like a splint on an arm or a cut - to show it.

i take cymbalta too 120mg - i used to take efexor - that made me feel like a zombie - and zoloft didnt do anything for my suicidal ideations

i hope things improve for you soon

P7

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Is that correct though, that there is no physical sign? I saw the pictures of the MRIs of the brains of BPD patients versus a "normal" brain. My former therapist showed them to me.
Surely if she had them, there must be a difference. I guess I just have to research this for myself. Off to Google I go.

[bpd2]

Hi--back after being gone Thursday and Friday....at my therapist's office, which is 5 hours away...........long story (about why I see someone 5 hours away)

Yes, I've seen MRI's of bpds that show both different sizes of parts of the brain--specifically the amygdala--and that show different activity in the frontal lobes...and the brain scans show a difference for bipolar, too........actually, now that I'm trying to recall, I wonder if I've ever seen a comparison of the brain scans of those two. I don't think so. And wouldn't that be interesting........