[Searching1]

Hi everyone, wondering if I could get some insight?

My husband and I separated in November after a huge fight. I think he has BPD, done a lot of research and it matches up to a lot that has been going on.

He tells me that he doesn't understand why he got so angry that night and is starting counseling to try and get some insight.

I told him I loved him, and that he was my best friend and I hope we can work this out. He gave me a big hug.

He isn't really talking to me, he told me that he can't deal with this right now, that it is a struggle just to get through minute by minute.

So I give him his space to work through this and I pray for him.

I just wonder though, now it's been two months. And he isn't contacting me. I don't want to burden him but I don't want to lose him.

Can anyone tell me the best way to handle this? Have you broken up with someone and felt like he is feeling? Is the relationship most likely over?

[bpd mess]

I've never really been in this situation before, so I'm not sure how much help I would be. I will say that if he is in counceling, don't mention the BPD. Let his councellor deal with it. One of my big issues is feeling abandoned, so I would like to know you are still there. Since he's sort of pushing you away, that may not be the case for him. You could maybe send him a Christmas card without any strings attached/no expectations expressed and see if he responds. Good luck and keep praying for him whether he has BPD or not.

[Searching1]

Originally Posted by bpd mess

I've never really been in this situation before, so I'm not sure how much help I would be. I will say that if he is in counceling, don't mention the BPD. Let his councellor deal with it. One of my big issues is feeling abandoned, so I would like to know you are still there. Since he's sort of pushing you away, that may not be the case for him. You could maybe send him a Christmas card without any strings attached/no expectations expressed and see if he responds. Good luck and keep praying for him whether he has BPD or not.

Thank you for answering. I won't pass on what I think about a diagnosis, good advice. I'm not trained and I don't have the skills to make a diagnosis for anyone.

I want to show support for what he is going through but not put any pressure on him. Thank you for the card suggestion.

[ECHOES]

I'm wondering if you and he could meet with the counselor (or another counselor) to talk about your marriage, and what you each need at this time, whether you or he want to have contact, how that will work, etc.

Like any diagnosis, it is just a word for a group of symptoms/behaviors/difficulties. Whether the counselor offers a diagnosis or not is up to the counselor, and whether your husband chooses to share a diagnosis, if it's given, is up to your husband.

But I think it is not unreasonable pressure for you to want to know how this relationship will work now and where you each want it to go.

[cluelessgluten]

My wife and I have had a rocky relationship over the past 18 years. I had been hospitalised and being seen by a few different mental health pros(neuropsych, pschyitrist, and psychologist) and non had suggested BPD. However there is so much I failed to tell them. I didn't open up until I saw my current psychologist. There are still things I have not told him. My wife, like you, wanted to know what was wrong with me. she did a lot of reading online and believes that BPD fit me to the T. When she suggested to me that I might be BPD I told her she didn't know what she was talking about and got mad at her for suggesting that I was crazy. That is why I held so much back though. I am so scared of what the doctors might say. It took a while for me to come around to believing that it could be me. I still have my doubts and until I go back and see my Pdoc I wont know for sure. Even if you do tell him what you think until he is ready to accept the the truth he probably wont believe you either. I do like BPD mess's suggestion to send a card is a good idea. Let him know your still there for him while giving him space to sort out his feelings.

[Searching1]

Thank you for the responses, really appreciate the input. I was surprised when I got home from work. There was a card for me from him at the front door.

I'll wait until Christmas to open. It was very sweet of him to reach out, I know he is going through a rough time right now. Well, we both are, it's hard when we both have our issues. Here's hoping the power of love can see us through.

Merry Christmas everyone.

[cluelessgluten]

(((((searching1))))) I am so happy to hear he reached out to you too. I think this is good news. I hope the power of love will see you guys through this too. If he is BPD he will need your support and understanding. but don't take his crap either. I can say for me I am glad my wife doesn't let me walk all over her. I just wish she would be more understanding. But she loves me and sticks by me even when I am a jerk to her. Good luck I really hope things work out for you guys.

[bpd2]

Why not open the card now? then if there is a response you want to make that feels like a present, there is time to do that, not regret that the chance was lost.

So much of life is wasted in waiting....