[cluelessgluten]

I know it is the holidays and that time of the year to visit family. Is it bad that I avoid visiting my parents. and when I do visit I don't stay long. I do love my parents I think. I never see them and that does not bother me at all. I am not close to either of my parents. not to mention they are divorced so two different visits. find this so stressful. Then there is my mom. She comes in from out of town and stays at my grandparents house were my sister lives now. then will not come to visit us but expects me to go over and visit her there. I hate the holidays. I know there are alot of emotions that I have suppressed and keep buried. and I hate when she tells the stories of when we were kids of how she rescued us from step monster. WOW I can't believe she remembers it that way. when she is the one who dumped us there in the first place.

[racee]

my p-doc told me i think it's so interseting how everyone family dynamice are so different. than i told her the other day i can't stand how all of my siblings can remember one memory and we all have a different story of how we remember it. and i mean its totally polar opposite. I said i have nothing in common with my siblings and she said yes you do...your blood....i pondered yes that is true they will always defend me even if they don't like me or vice versa, at least we have that. i couldn't stand my mom she was never thee she let horrible things ahppen to me as a kid and let it continue into being an adult, i had to take care of her, and i couldn't trust her at all. but she was my mom she did put a roof over my head, she did keep me fed when she went without, and i have a feeling if she would have been strong enough and had the willpower my childhood (or lack there of) would have been diffeent. she kept me alive (even though a lot of times i didn't want to be)

i guess what i'm trying to get across is that it's ok not to have close contact with your parents it's ok not too be head over heals in love with them and it's ok if you don't like them all that much. you didn't choose them as friends or to be in your life. they are your blood and being a mom myself i would die for my child anyday of the week he could despise and hate me all he wants but i still would go to the beyond for him! and i think deep down inside most parents are that way, alot of times they don't show it. you do what you can to keep your sanity, i told my family i can not do gatherings becasue its too hard for me i don't expect you to understand but i just can't get along with everyones personality.

((((((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))))) I sooooo feel this!!

[bpd2]

I learned something this morning is the DBT chat....all emotions protect us in some way. It's good to feel the emotion--there's no need to distract from it. What's not good is to let it become the master and rule me. So...the idea is to feel the emotion, then distract from it-----not distract self before we feel the emotions.

What that means to me is that, as said above, if I feel a certain way, and I know I feel a certain way, it's good to prepare for that by limiting the situations we face so that the intensity of it is something I can control, and I can't control it if I am bombarded with emotions (as we are in family gatherings).....

I don't know if I said that well. Did it make sense?

[Skully]

It is important to feel your emotions so you can deal with them. I know it is hard, I too supress my emotions. But sometimes the emotions are too powerful to deal with right away. It is ok to store them away as long as you do address them sooner or later. It will do you nothing but harm if you completely ignore them and continue to do so.

If you don't want to visit family for Christmas then don't. I think it would create more stress on you then not going to see them. I love my dad but that doesn't mean I have to go see him. Do what you think is best for you

[cluelessgluten]

So I was talking to the wife again today and told her about some of my thoughts and she said I am crazy and I need help. She said if I put here through that same hell again she won't be able to take it again. I wonder sometimes if she isn't just looking for a reason to leave. I wonder why she has stayed this long. Why would she want to be with a madman. I try to keep it together because I don't want her to leave. I can't tell her my thoughts anymore. I need to just keep my crazy thoughts to myself.

[bpd2]

I am so sorry you're getting these results when you are trying so hard to stay in communication, trying to stay connected.

I think you're being pretty courageous in communicating what you're thinking and feeling, and I think you are very courageous in being willing to let her tell you how she feels, too.

How can anyone work through anything in any other way?....

[cluelessgluten]

Thanks BPD2. I don't feel courageous. I feel dumb for opening myself up to her. I just want her to understand. But the more I open up to her the more I see her pull away from me. She is so scared it'll be like it was before. I can't help who or what I am. I try to control myself. I tell myself That my behavior is destructive but that not always enough. I haven't told her how worthless I feel. She already tells me I need help. She gets so mad. Her hole demeanor changed when I talked about thoughts. It wasn't anger but she seemed hostile. I feel myself sinking again. On top of that I have a cold so I Hallmark double grumpy right now. I yelled at my son for goofing around. He didn't deserve that. I am soo stupid. I hate myself. I have blades hidden that she doesn't know about and I keep thinking about them. I don't want to go but sometimes it I still think about it. That's what I told her. That I still think about it a lot. She got real hostile and I felt the room go cold. I don't mean to put her thru so much but I am truly clueless of what to do with myself. I don't think I should drink at the party. Some times I can drink and be alright but I am pretty sure I'll end up ruining every thing again. I'm good at ruining things. Seems like all I'm good for anymore is screwing everything up. Why am I so stupid.

[bpd2]

The holidays can be so hard....
I'd say definitely no drinking at the party. Maybe buy some syrups and play around with soda and ice?....Little party cherries???

It's understandable that your wife feels the way she does when you talk about harming yourself. And it's understandable that you feel the way you do. You both need support, right?--and your son, too. Can you make commitments that are concrete, rather than general? I feel better if someone tells me what they are making a specific commitment to, not just that they'll try. It's clear that you're all trying.

[cluelessgluten]

Now my wife tells me she thinks the doctors intuition was right about bipolar because some days I'm OK but others not so much. And when I bring up that I don't have long manic periods she say I don't need all the symptoms to have something. His can I be bipolar if I do have major periods of manic episodes. Just because my mom and aunt are bipolar doesn't mean I am too does it? Then she tells me I need a new doctor. I don't want a new doctor because I don't want to start all over again. I am not sure if I will open up to someone new. It really would be starting all over. All the stupid questionnaires. How much do I tell them right off. How much do keep to myself. I don't know. I want a good dx and even though I am not sure this doctor will give me that how do I know any other doc will do any better. I know I need help and I don't want to end up in the hospital again but I am not ready to trust someone new.

[kalisha36]

((((((((((Clueless)))))))))))))

First of all sorry that your going thru this!!! Second on the drinking if in doubt don't do it! You will just add fuel to the fire that your wife is all ready starting. Second sometimes yes we have to go to a few dr.s and yes it sux we have to fill out those questionnaire things nice thing is we can like we suggest to others print them off here and take notes about our behavior so we can be our own BEST ADVOCATES for ourselves....Have most of your own behaviors moods down in a journal. What your main objectives are etc...What your biggest worries are and what you mostly want out of therapy etc...REMEMBER your interviewing the THERAPIST your in CHARGE for once in your LIFE.......It will be okay and we will be right here helping you...No one likes to start over, however being complacent sometimes is one of our worst ENEMIES.....We care about you and want to see you get better!!! Your here talking about what's going on so you want help to like BPD2 said your very COURAGEOUS

[bpd2]

I'm with Kalisha on the benefits of seeing a new doctor.
Whether or not you change is probably something to be decided after the rollercoaster of the holidays--like, a month or so after?
A benefit to seeing someone new, IF YOU ARE HONEST and TELL THEM EVERYTHING, (and why wouldn't you, really? They insist on treating us professionally, whether we want that or not--so take advantage of that!) is that their mind is free of whatever else we have been telling them, or how we have been painting it.
If we don't give them good information, we don't get good results....GIGO.

[cluelessgluten]

Thank you guys I really appriciate your advice and kind words. I am glad your here. I really helps to have someone who understands what I am going thru and has already been there and done that. You guys seem to have a lot of experiance with the T docs. So my wife tells me I was wrong about my doc. I guess he is a psycho therapist. I don't know why I thought he was a psychologist. That is why she wants me to see a pschyciatrist. She thinks I would get a better diagnosis. Even my psycho therapist said he wanted me to see one of his colleages for a better diagnosis. I have been told by others not to use the word try. and bpd2 you said it too. I guess I need to stop trying to get better and start doing it. I will start keeping a journal to document my mood swings. I am such a hardhead sometimes. I know hiding my feelings and holding back from the doctors isn't helping me either. I need to get over my fear that the navy will boot me out on my head and just get the help I need and let things fall where the may. I have said this all before but when it comes time to do it I usually feel silly saying these things to the doctor. I feel dumb that I have these problems. I find it hard to trust them with my thoughts. I feel uncomforatable talking about these things. I really hate when I tell him something and he says well everyone goes through that sometimes and it makes me feel like I am overeacting to some normal thing and then I don't want to say anything else. Then I feel silly and believe I don't even need to be there and just want to leave. Find it hard to tell him anything else. Feel like he will just say well thats normal everyone feels that way sometimes. I have a lot to get over I know. Thank you guys again. It really means a lot to me that you guys are here.

[kalisha36]

If someone was minimizing my thought's emotions and pain that much I would tell them they were and *** and I could keep my money and talk to myself in the mirror and feel the same way!!! Sheesh..That's counter productive if you ask me...What and !!!!! However let's just say there are some really good T's out there...It's like shopping for a good dr...Some will check your pulse, take your temp, pat you on the back and say you look okay just get some rest...Yet you know your puking blood or this or that...However they are like well I am positive it's just stress have some soup and you'll be fine...Pretty soon you find out that your blah blah etc!!! Okay....This is the same but Mental Health....you know you need more then your getting....Now a day's the stress people live under it's understandable that people are just overwhelmed....Don't think about what people are or are not going to think about you.....Just take care of you Your worth it!

[cluelessgluten]

Originally Posted by kalisha36

If someone was minimizing my thought's emotions and pain that much I would tell them they were and *** and I could keep my money and talk to myself in the mirror and feel the same way!!! Sheesh..That's counter productive if you ask me...What and !!!!! However let's just say there are some really good T's out there...It's like shopping for a good dr...Some will check your pulse, take your temp, pat you on the back and say you look okay just get some rest...Yet you know your puking blood or this or that...However they are like well I am positive it's just stress have some soup and you'll be fine...Pretty soon you find out that your blah blah etc!!! Okay....This is the same but Mental Health....you know you need more then your getting....Now a day's the stress people live under it's understandable that people are just overwhelmed....Don't think about what people are or are not going to think about you.....Just take care of you Your worth it!

Thanks Kalisha. I know. He did help with anxiety with breathing and relaxation techniques, and he did suggest BP but then when I would tell him about things he would down play it like everyone gets stressed out. but then maybe it is my fault for down playing or just plain leaving out important detials. I know I need to go back ang tell them more. thanks again for your kind words

[kalisha36]

I know were our worst eniemes in treatment when were not honest, but TRUE t's recognize this, especially those who have really good experience with BPD or BP!!! I mean c'mon...No one not even in Real Life should or could expect you to trust them right away that's NOT NORMAL human behavior or is it? Hmm No worries non the less....Lessons learned and we pick ourselves back off and say okay this was a good learning experience and we find better for ourselves...Your very smart...You have learned how to have the very ability of flight FLIGHT in your hands!!! That's an amazing skill that one just can't just learn!!! That takes skill mental and motor together....SO your very bright....Keep working stay focused when down keep talking...You have an amazing support group here...Everyone wants to see you succeed and I believe your wife dose too even if sometimes we hear the words misinterpreted in our own minds ( NOT saying that's the CASE) but that's been happening allot I guess in my house arg!!! I feel for you and hear you too!!! You can pm me anytime you know that

[cluelessgluten]

So I am here visiting my mom and sister and my sister tells me my mom is manic and driving her crazy staying up all night cleaning everything since she came in town.

[bpd2]

Lordy, lordy...wonder if she has a psycho therapist?
(that cracked me up...psycho therapist....and I'm sure mines a sadist, too)

Another word about getting another opinion: you wrote that even your psychologist wants you to see a psychiatrist....so, maybe he's not completely psycho?

[cluelessgluten]

Actually no she doesn't have psycho therapist LOL. She doest see a problem with her behavior and I and no one else wants to be the to tell her she needs one.

I don't think he is a psycho. It is my fault because I don't tell him every thing. I feel good today. And the weird thing is when I feel good like this I feel silly for ever thinking I needed therapy. I mean I feel high right now. I don't do drugs so I know its not that And I haven't been drinking. So I wonder about days like this. Someone PM earlier about one of my post a said something about some different type of BP that has smaller periods of mania. I guess that is what my pdoc was talking about. Right now I feel fine and don't really see a problem. But I know it wont last. But then I wonder is this just the normal ups and down people get like my pdoc talked about. Who knows.

[bpd2]

Clueless, when I'm feeling good is sometimes when therapyy is most helpful--because I can f-ing remember what we said! LOL