[bpd2]

Our condition has such a lovely reputation.

I never disclose now. I did a few times when I was younger and it never, ever, ever came to good. There was at least 50/50 understanding with bipolar, but not with borderline Maybe the general population thinks bipolars only go wildly energetic once every five years or so, they only see a certain, almost glamorous side of that condition. The glamour we get, though, is ....sleazy or sort of, I don't know--goth? Sex and self-harm?

In any case, we're often treated like we're not really people (if they only knew how true that feels for us ). When people know my diagnosis, it feels to me like I became a sort of a game to them. And sometimes it even feels like that with my therapist.

Because of the characteristics of our condition, once we become self-aware, we question whether we're paranoid--or whether it's real; we question whether we're manipulating or asking; we question whether we are asking for what we really want--or if it's hiding underneath (have you had that experience? It's a real shocker when the curtain parts...an "Oh my god was that what I was doing???); we wonder whether people really mean nice things they say, or if they're caretaking because they know we take a dive when we feel rejected; conversely, we never know if we really made a blunder, or their having a sadistic moment because they know it will really hit us hard and it's fun to poke us.

SO, I've been making a list (and checking it twice!) and here's what I think: It is extremely important for us to pay attention to what we know we need (--and what good therapists will tell us, too) and to try to name it; to have ongoing, reliable support; to stay up to date on the current therapeutic treatments for bpd and for their success rates--or to work with someone who will do it for us (but specialists in bpd are few and hard to find); it is important for us to find meaningful ways to contribute to the quality of our own lives and to the lives of those around us so that we can point to achievements to remind ourselves that we are worthy (because we so often don't believe we are); it is important for us to learn and follow recognizably responsible ways of communicating, so that we have a script to follow when our emotions are spinning our heads around--and those scripts make us coherent to others, too, btw (because we didn't always say what we thought we did, and we didn't always hear what we thought they said); AND always, always, always, important for us to have reliable ways to comfort ourselves.

[PC says I'm out of room for icons....so, imagine hugs and hearts and love from here on out}

((((((So, I'm wondering if you can relate to this?))))) Are there things we should add, whether you'd like to work on ways to unpack it in individual threads. Is that something you're interested in? I'm doing some of this work in the borderline support chat, but people can't always make the time...

.................and there's that darned stigma......even here......

(((((((((((((((all bpd'rs))))))))))))))))

[cluelessgluten]

Originally Posted by bpd2

Our condition has such a lovely reputation.
I never disclose now. I did a few times when I was younger and it never, ever, ever came to good. There was at least 50/50 understanding with bipolar, but not with borderline Maybe the general population thinks bipolars only go wildly energetic once every five years or so, they only see a certain, almost glamorous side of that condition. The glamour we get, though, is ....sleazy or sort of, I don't know--goth? Sex and self-harm?

.................and there's that darned stigma......even here......

(((((((((((((((all bpd'rs))))))))))))))))

I never tell anyone anything about anything because I have heard same people talk about friend with BP. They are not nice. I don't even try to defend friend out of fear they'll be on to me. not a rational fear I guess but I defininatly understand stigma. I don't even like talking to wife about it becuase I know she goes and talks to her family about it. and I know the kind of things they say about others including friend with BP and they aren't nice either. That one I know I'm not just being paranoid about. My wife says it's not true they dont do that she says but I have heard the mean things they say. So I can only image the things my in laws say about me when I'm not around. and wife wonders why I hold so much inside. I never feel safe talking about anything.

[kalisha36]

bpd2

I just have to say that I just recently seriously like in the last few months allowed my T to even use the word bpd....I cringe still really cringe when the word is used. Yes the stigma in all reality is hurtful and painful. I has a very good friend (and still do) however when I told her that they were trying to dx me with that she flat out told me she couldn't handle being friends with some one with that dx... Then why!!! For all the reason's you listed above. My heart broke over and over and I never talked about it again. EVER and that was years ago till like I said now...No matter what T's said. My T specializes in BPD and DID so yeah she's very good at what she does...

I am sobbing now (big baby) ugh just thinking about how painful this illness is and how un-understood it is...Yet you show up with people everyday whether it be in your kids school, grocery stores, or dunno if you have a place of spirituality and no one knows when your saying things off the wall....You try to communicate what it's like with those close to you and they act is if your making excuses...

So just wanted to say I understand and yeah offering support...

[bpd2]

Dear kalisha....I've been thinking for days about whether to write that post, for just that reason: that confronting the stigma is almost too hard--too hard, sometimes. But one of the things Linehan says (or maybe somebody else?) is that It's not our fault that we have this condition; but it is our responsibility to deal with it.....I don't know how to do that some days, but if it's not my responsibility to work on the way I want my life to be, then whose is it?.....

Too often, we sink in our sorrow, because that well is deep. But there are things we can do for ourselves and for each other. We are in control of many aspects of our lives, can make the choices and not be stuck with those others make for us. This is what therapy does for me now--although for probably two full years, it was simply to learn to trust and to calm down.

Of course we'll slip sometimes; everybody does. We can't let our slips define us, though. And because they will occur, we have to find ways to even the balance..........It's like me and my kids: I've been scary sometimes, and we'll all remember these times forever. But, I am also the best buddy they have: we do creative things, we are very funny together, I sit down and watch their movies with them...not just plunk them there and go read a book, I buy surprises for them--sometimes toys, but sometimes things that help them with their own insecurities. One thing about borderlines is that we sure do pay attention! (Sometimes we have a lit-tle trouble doing what someone else needs...but....)

I do have to limit how many hours an experience lasts--it's like being on PC: I can
handle a certain number of hours or contacts, but then I had better take a break, or I'll get weird...

[kalisha36]

Originally Posted by bpd2

Dear kalisha....I've been thinking for days about whether to write that post, for just that reason: that confronting the stigma is almost too hard--too hard, sometimes. But one of the things Linehan says (or maybe somebody else?) is that It's not our fault that we have this condition; but it is our responsibility to deal with it.....
I totally agree with this right here!


I don't know how to do that some days, but if it's not my responsibility to work on the way I want my life to be, then whose is it?.....
Knowledge is power. How we respond and how we react to whom we are and how we deal with it is allot to how others can choose to deal with others whom they meet with BPD. Then there are those that will always choose to want to follow there ignorance can't change everyone.

Too often, we sink in our sorrow, because that well is deep. But there are things we can do for ourselves and for each other. We are in control of many aspects of our lives, can make the choices and not be stuck with those others make for us. This is what therapy does for me now--although for probably two full years, it was simply to learn to trust and to calm down.

Of course we'll slip sometimes; everybody does. We can't let our slips define us, though. And because they will occur, we have to find ways to even the balance..........It's like me and my kids: I've been scary sometimes, and we'll all remember these times forever. But, I am also the best buddy they have: we do creative things, we are very funny together, I sit down and watch their movies with them...not just plunk them there and go read a book, I buy surprises for them--sometimes toys, but sometimes things that help them with their own insecurities.
This is were I do appreciate my life. I agree that I think we do pay more then the usual attention. I think were more in-tune. I too take that time to be on key with my kids. My girls write there own music perform and sing when able before people. They are 9,12...My son is self taught in drums, bass,guitar and he writes music too...His passion is drums and his loves flying on his skateboard and making videos...he's 16....Thing is they want me involved and constantly want me to see them succeed and perform...It's awesome to watch them blossom, even though they have seen like you said some scary times, and been without me at times.

One thing about borderlines is that we sure do pay attention! (Sometimes we have a lit-tle trouble doing what someone else needs...but....)

I do have to limit how many hours an experience lasts--it's like being on PC: I can
handle a certain number of hours or contacts, but then I had better take a break, or I'll get weird...

This too I do notice....I can get overly erm dunno proper wording but WEIRD is a great word so if okay I will borrow it from you k not sure if anything I wrote is even making sense but that I just know it's totally my responsibility to keep working hard at my illness not hiding behind it or allowing the stigma to keep me from healing.

[bpd2]

But what are some ways we can deal with that stigma.......are there ways you've found that seemed to help others to be less hostile or even just distant?....

Are there stories we can tell about that, too?

[cluelessgluten]

So speaking of this stigma I watched a movie called dinner for schmucks. In the movie there is a women who is the ex girl friend of the main character. I believe she is supposed to have BPD. I wonder is this what people think of us. Or was this just exaggerated as most everything else is in Hollywood. Has any one seen this movie who can relate to it. Have you stalked old boy/girl friend and attempted to sabotage his/her new relationship. I am still with the same woman so I don't know what I would do if and when she did leave me.

[Uprwestsdr]

We are both destructive and self-destructive and it's impossible for me to forget that. I've said and done things that I'm deeply ashamed of, I've destroyed the most important relationships of my life. So others give me a wide berth? I don't blame them. I don't like myself either. I'm a much different person with the right meds and my instincts have changed enormously but the damage is already done.

I don't mention bpd or alcoholism (in recovery 19+ years) ever to people who don't share my disorders. People who are not mentally ill don't want to be around those who are.

[Kendyll]

Originally Posted by Uprwestsdr

We are both destructive and self-destructive and it's impossible for me to forget that. I've said and done things that I'm deeply ashamed of, I've destroyed the most important relationships of my life. So others give me a wide berth? I don't blame them. I don't like myself either. I'm a much different person with the right meds and my instincts have changed enormously but the damage is already done.

I don't mention bpd or alcoholism (in recovery 19+ years) ever to people who don't share my disorders. People who are not mentally ill don't want to be around those who are.

Amen to all that...

[ECHOES]

I would have no reason to tell someone my mental health diagnosis, just as I would have no reason to tell someone my medical diagnoses.
Others think I make horrible choices in life, or that for whatever reason I don't have anything to show for myself, but that's about them and their not being comfortable with me. And frankly, I have enough to do taking care of me. I don't explain, don't make excuses, don't say BPD made me do it; I try not to let others lay guilt on me or be passive aggressive toward me. Most of my intense suffering is internal and mostly only noticable to me. Maybe I'm lucky that way, I don't know...

[Uprwestsdr]

What I try to do is stop thinking about the wreckage of the past. I apologize to those I've wronged and try to do better today. Actually, anti-depressant medication (Wellbutrin and Effexor) made huge changes, not only by lifting depression but a number of my bpd symptoms vanished. For example, my anger is greatly diminished and while I feel the emotion, I can choose whether voice it, act on it. I rarely experience abandonment and if it pops up, I know it's bpd and don't take it personally. So, improvement is certainly possible There is hope