BPD and relationships [insight from partners of BP welcome]

If there's a better place for this post, please move it; I'm new here, and this is my first thread.

My fiance of 2 years recently broke up with me. We lived together, and it's been very, very hard. He says he doesn't love me anymore - the ultimate abandonment! - but I can see how distraught and hurt he is over this. Part of me still believes there are feelings there, but that's sort of irrelevant now.

What I know is this: for all his flaws, he was a good man and a good partner. I, on the other hand, have not been. My BPD is better than it was, but it's far from under control. The months of coming home to me curled up in a ball sobbing on the bathroom floor, the suicide attempts and self injury, the pushing and pulling, the insults, rapid mood swings, rages, devaluing of him, manipulative behavior... It got to be too much for him. And the worst part is that I, like many other BP, barely noticed there was a problem! I hardly noticed that I was hurting him. I was too caught up in my own self-destructive selfishness to see him until it was too late.

I'm desperate. I feel like an idiot. It is not in my BP wiring to accept someone leaving me, but I love this man and I want to do right by him. After all I put him through, I want to offer him the love, dignity, and respect he deserves. I doubt he'd take me back. If I was him, and someone was as unpredictable and destructive as I was, I wouldn't want to marry them, either.

I've been in the rodeo long enough to know that my impulses to drive to his parent's house (where he's staying) and bang on his door until he listens to my assurances that I'll change won't get me anywhere. In fact, it'll prove the opposite: that I'm not changing. But this is agony. Any BP who's been through abandonment - real or perceived - knows what I'm talking about.

So this is my question: What can I do? I'm making myself crazy. I just want to beg until he changes his mind - and if I can't do that, I want to hurt myself. But I want a friendship with him (which he's open to) and maybe something more - God-willing - someday. And for that, I need to stop being so selfish and start treating him like he's human. Which means respecting his request for space, even though the abandonment is choking me. Who here has any insight?

jeez. that was longer than expected.

Additional Info: we're not speaking right now so that I can accept that he's done. there's a concrete date: May 18. he says we'll meet up before our college graduation, which we both worked so hard for. but the BP in me is afraid he won't show, and I'll never hear from him again...

Hi, and welcome

I'm afraid this isn't going to be full of good advice(!). I just wanted to say: me too. In fact, I could have written it. I was engaged to my partner of seven years, who left me because she couldn't cope with 'me' anymore and was afraid she'd always be unhappy. I understand what she means. I look back on the way I behaved and what she had to deal with, and physical regret rips through me. Yes, her coming home to find me on the bathroom floor- all of that.

She's gone. Like you, I believe she's not coming back. Like you, I fight with myself every day not to beg. She moved to Australia before the break up, but right now she's in Europe visiting her family. I live an hour from the airport. The plane takes two hours to where she is. But every day, I am not going to the airport, and not getting on the plane. She has to be free to choose to walk away. And it would look like the exact opposite of what I want her to see- that I can cope and change.

I will be sorry forever that I couldn't be my best self, couldn't be what she deserved. But I can either turn on myself and make things worse, or I can change. After years of turning on myself and making things worse, this time I am trying to make myself into the person I wish I could have been when I was with her. I am coming home and cooking for myself, instead of hoping someone will look after me. I am trying to recognise the patterns where I go into melt down if the person I'm with has any negative feelings, because I absorb them like a sponge. I can learn to be the best version of myself, even if it takes the rest of my life. I have time and space now, and I'm not trapped in patterns with anyone.

Sorry, no insight. But lots of sympathy and love. This sucks and I'm so sorry it happened to you too

I am sorry that this has happened. Are you seeing a therapist/counselor or on any meds? I struggle with all that you have mentioned as well. With LOTS of help from my counselor I am beginning to see when I'm going into crisis mode and hurting those I love. I have started reading a book called "Sometimes I act crazy - living with borderline personality disorder" it has been an eye opener and helped me to understand a bit better. At the end of each chapter is ways to help deal with that particular trait the chapter is referring to.

I believe that it is hard for partners of borderlines to "put up" with us. I have been really lucky - I found a guy who has stuck with me for 4 years. Yes, he gets frustrated with me and needs to take breaks. Yes I feel abadonded when he does this, but we are learning to work through it together. I do think that it is possible at some point to have a relationship.

I hope this was some what helpful. Please know you are not alone in this.

Wow. I have been there and done that. I still feel like that too. But you need to first see a therapist to get your self-abuse urges under control. I know how desperate you are feeling, how the world is caving in on your head, but don't hurt yourself. Don't make yourself ugly like that. There are alternatives.

See a therapist, be with your friends or family, engage in some self-growth activities. Become a better, healthier woman. And then try to talk to him. But realize that he is not the key to your happiness, and that time heals everything. Sometimes people come into our lives for a reason, and it's not just for "love" but something far greater.

I hope you will read this and feel better.

Thank you for the support, everyone.

Improving - what you said about being sorry for not being able to be your best self had me in tears. I completely relate. I wish the best of luck to you.

PleaseHelp - I am seeing a therapist (the same woman for 8 years now,) but I'm not on meds. I've had too many adverse reactions. Unfortunately, I don't have many friends or family I can turn to, and most just don't understand why it's so difficult for me to let go. That's why I'm so glad to have this community.

It's been a few days, and so far, SI-free. I've been trying meditation, breathing, loud music, and journaling to keep it together.