BPD and Gender Identity?

Even though nobody on here knows me, I'm still really embarrassed talking about this. I just want to see if anyone else has felt the same way.

I'm a 24 year old female. Ever since I was 11 or so, I've never felt right being who I am. Sometimes I feel like I'm not supposed to be a female. I don't believe I'm supposed to be a male. I don't want to dress in men's clothes (although I am more comfortable in gym shorts, hoodies, somewhat baggy sweatpants, hats, etc). I've never felt comfortable being a female. I usually feel better hiding my body. If I go out, I dress more girly because I feel like that's how I'm supposed to dress, even if I'm very uncomfortable in those clothes. It was worse when I was younger. I remember crying when I got my first period and thinking it was the worst day of my life. I used to try to stand when peeing. I always wondered what it would be like to live as a boy. Those last two aren't issues anymore. I think they ended around the time I got into high school. Now I just feel very uncomfortable being a girl. I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed. I feel like a freak.

I've looked up stuff on gender identity and I'm 99.9% sure I don't have Gender Identity Disorder. I did find on one site that gender identity issues could be associated with BPD. Has anyone else with BPD had this problem? If so, how did you deal with it? What did you think/feel about yourself? I don't really know what to do/think/feel/say about this, so any help would be appreciated.

check out the book, "get me out of here" by rachel reiland. it touches the subject very well.

I have never spoken/written about it before but I do relate to what you have said and wanted you to know you are not alone.

I have never wanted to be a boy either. I used to wear really tight revealing clothing but somehow I felt like a fake. Now I prefer baggy clothes (maybe thats also to cover up my body) and even for work some days I think I look like a boy. I dont feel comfortable in my skin at all. I'm not sure I ever have. When I wear a skirt or heels I feel like a man in drag so I dress down as much as possible. I dont want to be a male but I dont feel like a woman either. I feel very confused, ashamed, embarrassed. For me its one of the most shameful things to bring up in therapy. Something just doesnt feel right. I really don't understand it at all. I'm not ready to bring this up in therapy so it shall remain yet another dark secret for me.

Sorry I don't have anything useful to say but I just wanted you to know you are not alone

I wish I could hug all of you ...

I am convinced that the gender expectations we hold onto in so many of our societies is a crock of ****. You can be female or male and dress however you damn well please. You don't have to 'feel' like a woman or a man. You don't have to 'act' like a woman or a man. You don't have to be attracted to either women or men. Not everyone can live up to the expectations of what a man/woman is supposed to be because they are simply not everybody's inner reality. They are societal expectations, but not necessarily reality. One theory suggests that we are moving towards the evolution of a third gender which is neither male nor female, per se. Maybe you're just more evolved than most?

Please, accept and embrace yourself as you are ... and maybe that is neither female nor male but just you as you are. Society already places so many expectations on you ... be gentle with yourself and know that IS ok to be neither stereotypically female nor male, but to just BE. I believe this in my heart and though it may not count for much, know that you have my unconditional acceptance of whatever gender you do or don't identify with. For what it's worth ...

Freaked out after I wrote all that and changed my mind :/ so sorry

But I agree with summer!! I couldn't have said it better myself!

It feels good to know that someone feels the same way. I just brought it up with my therapist on Thursday. I emailed her about it a few days before because I knew it would be easier than just coming out and saying it. She said "Let's talk about your email about you wanting to be a boy" and I immediately said "No, that's not what it is. It's not that I want to become a boy. I just don't feel right being a girl". But the more I think about it, the more confused I get. I keep thinking that maybe I'm supposed to be a boy. I think I keep saying "I don't want to become a boy" because I would have to switch therapists. My therapist doesn't work with people who are having surgery, transitioning, etc., because she says it's more psychological. She did say she works with people pre- and post-surgery. I'm about 80% sure I don't want surgery, but 20% is a big number and makes it a lot more confusing.

Since I told my therapist a few days ago, I've dressed more boy-ish and I've been a lot more comfortable that way. Like you said, I've always felt like a fake when I have to wear revealing clothes (I wore a dress to my cousin's wedding last summer and it was torture). I've never felt comfortable in my skin, either. And I prefer when people shorten my name to Nick (my name is Nicole). But I'm scared and ashamed and embarrassed. I feel like I have to dress and act like a girl because I'm physically a girl. But inside...I don't know if I am.

It was one of the most shameful things to bring up in therapy for me, too. It was the hardest thing I've ever talked about. I just keep telling myself that the secret I've kept hidden for 14 years is out to the only person I trust. Even though it's uncomfortable to talk about, I'm comfortable talking to HER about it. I can't tell you what to do (whether to tell your therapist about it or not), but at least you'll be able to talk about it.

You are really courageous and brave to talk about this on here and with your therapist. Way to go taking risks to get help and be vulnerable! Those things most of us with BPD struggle to do.

I have thought about this issue some in my own life. I was a tom-boy growing up with one older brother and younger sister. My dad hated women and so when I came along, I don't think he knew how to deal with a woman he wasn't trying to sexually seduce (like my mom) or who didn't have power over him (his mother, also BPD). Because of all the messages in my family (overt and covert) about being female, I think I developed a fear of being female myself. I saw it as either being controlled like my mother was--she never stood up to my dad. Or being sexually dominated and humilated (all women my dad had affairs with and commented on in public). Or you were just a mean old lady like my grandma.

I wonder if you could look at what you think are positives/negatives about being a girl and being a boy. That might give you some insight into what the discomfort is. Maybe not. Just a suggestion.

Take courage!

funyen has gotten many good responses here; I agree with several things--you are brave, and you are not alone. You do have the right to feel and act and dress the way you want, and society is mostly to blame for our confusion about gender. I thought I would share, since you asked specifically about how this might be related to bpd, that I grew up being bullied about my gender because my mother set me up for this. She believed girls should not be ornaments. So I was never allowed to get my ears pierced, or play with Barbies, or sing songs on the playground about kissing boys; my hair was very short and I wore sturdy underwear, never owned anything pink or lacey. In my school we had no private stalls in the bathrooms. When a 7 year old girl is told that she wears boy underwear, it is very sexually humiliating. The gender humiliation I endured on a daily basis for years is related to my bpd, I think, because I was continually rejected in a way that involved my sexuality, and my mother would never do anything to protect me from this even when I got the courage up to tell her about it. I am older than you by a lot, funyen, and I think this kind of thing takes time. I would recommend not making a decision at such a young age about gender because you may some day find acceptance for being androgynous. I eventually realized I was not so weird just androgynous (like the third gender someone mentioned) and also at age 12 I realized I was bisexual. That was an early enlightenment back in the 70s! Anyway, now i am 48 and I still have many problems but sexuality and gender identity is not one of them. Maybe you can continue talking with your therapist and take more time sorting out your feelings. Whatever you decide works is great! Good luck.

Thanks everyone. It's taking me a little bit to try to process what everyone is saying. I am going to continue talking to my therapist about it. It's getting harder, though. I just joined a new gym and everytime I walk into the women's locker room, I feel like I'm walking into the wrong one. While I'm in there, I feel like other women are looking at me like "Why is there a boy in here?" I agree with the few people who said people can dress however they please, like whomever they please, etc. But I feel like this issue is making life a lot harder. I feel like I'm living a lie. I can't imagine myself ever telling anyone but my therapist. It's not like when I came out about being bisexual. My friends accept that, although my family doesn't know. But this...I don't think I would be accepted by anyone. Friends, family, coworkers...I feel like they would not want to be part of my life anymore. People don't want to be friends with someone like me. They really don't want to be something more than friends. I think if I told people, I would be better off moving to a new city where people don't know me and where I can be whomever makes me comfortable, whether that's being a boy or a girl.

I see my therapist tomorrow so hopefully she will help me out with it some more.

I was a tom body and grew up with two brothers, and have a biological father who hates woman. I still resent being a woman. I'm a mother of five, and I feel like men get off the hook for everything, and that I never completed my dreams because I became a mother. My personality or ideals I guess I should say, are very much the same as my husband's. He's a work aholic, and works himself to death. I have a huge need to be successful in the world and I feel worthless for being a stay at home mom....I feel like it's killing brain cells....like a monkey could do what I do, and with five kids...it made me feel like a really beautiful piece of cattle. I was always praised for my looks. I'm a very good in sales and marketing and feel like if I was a man people would take me more seriously, and have been slighted in the work force for being one. I feel very manly on the inside...with a lovely exterior that holds me back in life. I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything as a woman, and would love nothing more than to be the one bringing home the bacon....I love my kids...but...it's not a gratifying job for me. I was very good in sports when I was young...I won various awards for running, and I was the best pitcher in my softball league. As I grew up I liked dace, and cheer leading...my parents pushed for that when we moved to Texas...and my mother steered me away from softball. I don't dress pretty anymore...but I've equated that to being a stay at home mom...and wearing the sweat pants...didn't realize that it could still be my "issues." I was always also praised for being a tom boy...my uncle once said if he had a girl he would want one just me me. My issues may not be as extreme...but I do really hate being my gender. My body is warn out, and when I look in the mirror I see my dad's face. I have always been attacked to men...but there have been some woman I have been drawn to. Nothing ever came of any of it. Just girl crushes. I'm not embarassed about it...I get enraged about it....I do feel like I would have been better off a man, and God made a mistake...I also would have gotten away with my behaviors..because I was a man. For sure!


I would suggest reading "Get me out of here" too. It was the first time I had ever seen anyone with the same issues as me, and I found out where they came from.

Oh I forgot....my bio dad used to call my brother, step dad, and step brother sissies....and I took that as bad, and never wanted to be that. It messed with my brother's identity, and mine. We didn't want to be that. But both my brothers are mocho men in disguise, and I'm a manly woman in disguise.

Wow! Ive had similar thoughts... But ill never be comfortable as a boy, as I love being wirh mine... But I can say I hope you get the help u need to be YOU...

Besides long hair, im maaculine. I will take down a man when my mania kicks in... Im not afraid to tackle anyyhing. I do have to say though that im happy being masculine, and yet a female. I really hope you guys find your spot in this crazy world... Good luck!