Intimacy Issues

Does anyone here have issues with physical intimacy? With _not_ wanting it? I find that after I've gotten close to someone (romantic relationship) and feel stable and secure, I no longer feel compelled to allow certain types of physical intimacy (things like hugs and cuddling are good, but not much else). In fact, I outright avoid/refuse it, and threats or pleas from the other person do nothing but alienate me and make me angry. Even to the point of wanting to bail, no matter how much I care. I feel really threatened and cornered in that situation.

This pattern of mine (and it is a pattern, because it always works out this way) has caused tons of strife in past relationships, and is even threatening to end the one I have now. I don't know why it always has to come to this, but I find it extremely upsetting and destabilizing. I feel like a piece of meat, and it catapults me back to my horrible teen years. No matter how the other person attempts to explain the 'meaning' to me, it doesn't make sense. I feel like if I give in, I'll be completely throwing away the self/identity I've worked so hard to piece together. I can't explain coherently to anyone why I start freaking out when pushed.

I assume during this process of getting close to someone that sex is involved during this time. The relationship becomes secure, and then you no longer want sex. Is this correct? The use of the word "compelled" makes me think that during your process that sex is an obligation for you, and then once the relationship takes hold there is no more obligation, on your part for sex. Agree/disagree/thoughts??

Assuming that I'm on the right path with your situation... Then the question would be why is sex ok before the relationship takes hold, and not afterwards? It's almost as if you're using sex as a tool to lure someone into a relationship, and then once you get to that point, you no longer have to have sex. So.. I can see how this would cause A LOT of relationship issues.

I think, you should try and analyze where this pattern originated and what's behind it. Because, unless you intend on dating someone who either has an incredibly low sex drive or is asexual you're always going to have this problem.

You find your pattern upsetting and destabalizing or the fact your partner wants sex upsetting and destabalizing?

Why??? The reason behind your problem probably exists somewhere within the answer to this question.

What is your self identity? It also seems like you have control issues. In regards to your partners wanting sex that is completely normal. So the question comes back to why don't you?

I am the exact same way. I've only been in 2 relationships but at the beginning because it is new I really enjoy the sex, I can't wait to do it. After about a year, with both, it's like ok I'm done now. I literately could go the rest of my life without sex, it feels that way anyways. I love my hubby so much and feel I have a deeper connection with him than him with me because he always wants to have sex and he seems happiest after while me I love him and am happy with him in all the in between times....It is strange I must say but we are who we are.

You're absolutely right on all counts. To me, sex is just a basic tool in securing/bonding with a prospective partner. After I'm sufficiently close to the person, it seems that I start to abandon it in lieu of more sophisticated tools. It has been this way for me since I started having relationships. But I've only just realized in the last year or so that this is how my mind works, and this is part of why I stop wanting to bother with sex.

I suppose it's a necessary evil to me? Up until this point, it wasn't really something I was conscious of. You're exactly right - sex is just bait/a hook to make someone want to be with me. That's how I learned to use it when I was a teenager. I couldn't get affection from anyone otherwise. I had to trade the sex for the attention and presence of another person. Of course it's only logical that it would cause problems for a majority of people, but I never really realized it or thought about it. Now that I have, it still stumps me that sex is so important to people.

Yes, you're right. I used to think that if I only found "the right person", it would be okay. But it seems that's not the case. I don't want to lose the relationship I have, but I'm also between a rock and a hard place at this point.

I find the fact that my partner makes an issue over sex upsetting. That it has become this major problem in the relationship, to the point of possibly ending it.

Good question. Because I hate feeling pushed or forced into things. I find sex unimportant and fairly meaningless. Knowing that sex has become an issue just fills me with an ever-present dread, too. Even before it got to this point, it was like an axe hanging over my head. I hate the stress and pressure. There are so many other things that are so much more important.

Well, that's a question with a terribly complex answer - I don't know how to answer that in a way that relates to this. But I have gotten to the point that I refuse to allow anyone to force me to do anything, certainly not with threats. If I get threatened, I tend to do the opposite of what the other person wants just to make a point. I try to be strong, independent, and capable. I was helpless when I was younger, and I'm not ever going to let anyone control me or threaten my right to choose again if I can help it. I will not allow my self to be ruined or undermined for what other people want ever again. And they can choke on that. (Sorry, just thinking about it gets me angry.)

Yep, I definitely have control issues - namely not allowing anyone else to control me, come hell or high water. I'm willing to relinquish control a bit with people I care about and trust, but not completely. Things always go very badly for me when people have too much power over me. They can't be trusted with it - not even the people I trust the most.

Why don't I want sex? Hmm. Well, I guess I'm rather cerebral - I live in my head, for the most part. I'm a lot more interested in the emotional and psychological planes of existence. I don't pay much attention to the physical world - it's just a bother, a distraction from what I consider most important. Sex bores me, and it's just gross and kind of sickening. Even if I care about people, I'd just rather not. I mean, you can have sex with anyone, but you can't have a real bond with just anyone. To me, that's the real intimacy, not sex. I feel that sex is just a grotesque parody of intimacy.

I've tried to analyze exactly how I feel, but it really is just like I'm performing a trick to entertain the other person. I do feel satisfaction in seeing the signs of their emotional dependency developing, but once that's set, it's just done for me.

I'm relieved to hear that you have experienced something not entirely unlike my situation, even if you feel differently about it. Oh man, I could go the rest of my life without sex, too. In fact, I'd love it if I could manage that. That's the same with my partner - there's the "up" after sex, unless I haven't managed to act interested enough. Then I just hear complaints. If there's too long a period between sessions, my partner also starts withholding casual physical affection like cuddling, hugs, and such - even positive feedback - all supposedly unintentionally. This, of course, does not make me feel like forcing myself.

Right, exactly. The depth of my affection and bond with my partner doesn't fluctuate on my side with regard to physicality, but it does on my partner's side. Now the "maybe I should date other people" comments have started. Sometimes I feel like banging my head against the wall, because I cannot STAND being threatened. And I feel incredibly threatened - and cheapened. It's like the relationship doesn't mean anything at all, even after all these years. When it comes up, I want to scream, "GO, THEN! *insert expletives and hostile, alienating comments here*" I mean, the feelings just surge and rage, and it's all I can do to NOT spit them out, although there have been times when they have come out. Thankfully one of those times was to a friend.

I just...I can't even explain my feelings coherently. It seems like the only way to express what I'm feeling is to scream. Not very helpful, I know.

Christ, I'm gonna have a lot of questions... lol maybe opinions.. maybe both... Let's jump right in, shall we..

To me.... this seems to be the underlying problem... You were starved for attention, had sex with people you probably didn't want to in order to just get this attention that you craved. So in essence sex was only a tool to get what you want, and nothing more. There was no emotion involed. So you gave up control (yourself, sex) in order to get what you want.

The last two paragraphs in the quote would kind of back this up. You were helpless when you were younger, and now that you're an adult you're not going to give up that control, which you probably relate as sex, to anyone. My guess is when you were younger.. you gave people sex to people in order to get attention, and I would bet in the end it backfired of you. More than likely people were telling you things that you want to hear, when really they were just using you. Trust issues developed.

So.. It would be reasonable that sex would not sit well with you or maybe you just never liked it to begin with.

I'm kind of guessing on all this.... Possible / not possible???

Regardless of whether the above is accurate or not... What is accurate is this is self defeating behavior. Someone is going to enter into a relationship with you under false pretences. They don't get sex, your control issues kick in and you push them away, they get pissed off, break up, heartache. When sex is used as a tool to get what you want the above cycle will almost always be the case..

The fact that you're recognizing the behavior, and accepting ownership is a great thing on your part... I think without recognizing what the problem is it's hard to make corrections...

Again, it's good that you're recognizing your problem and how it would affect others. People like sex because it feels GREAT!!!

You on the other hand have never used sex for intimacy... it's always been used to get what you want and that is attention/affection... or.. you've never liked sex to begin with... or... a combination of both.

Agree, with rock and a hard place... (I think there may be sexual innuendo in there somewhere).

This will always be a problem the majority of the time, because healthy people relate sex to being a normal/healthy significant part of a relationship. You relate sex as a tool to get what you want, and there is nothing to it other than that.

True - there are many things more important than sex, but that is not going to negate the fact that sex is going to be a significant part of relationships in most cases.

Maybe the reason sex bores you is because it's never been based on love/intimacy.... Have you always found it to be gross?

True.... You can have sex with anyone, and you have...That's the problem.. To most.... having sex is a normal part of a healthy intimate relationship.....

So... maybe this is something that you can work on with a therapist that specializes in sexual issues.... That is if you want to..

Otherwise.. your options are going to be to settle on heartache a majority of the time or limit options to people who are either asexual or have similar views where sex just isn't important....

I hope something in all this was relevent or helpful to you...

-cbox

Hey, you know, feel free. v^_^v It's not something that's easy to post or to talk about, but it would be a lot worse if no one wanted to discuss it, so I appreciate you jumping in.

It's probably part of it - I'm not sure it's all there is. It seems very powerful, after all. Ah, not just attention - affection. Attention was easy to get, but it wasn't enough. I needed affection. Family situation was bad, so 'allies', however superficial, were essential. Right, exactly. (There was emotion involved, but not in the way you mean - my psyche screeching in torment, mostly.)

I already had trust issues at that point, so it only compounded them, certainly. It has been kind of a recurrent pattern ever since I was very young. (Helpless - trust issues - helpless again - more trust issues. Once I was finally an adult, I think I just decided enough was enough. Haha.) My control issues are pervasive, but mostly low profile (at least, I think they are). Yes, you're right, there was a lot of using. But I felt that I didn't have a choice, or anywhere else to turn. My mother was very controlling and restrictive, to say the least, so sometimes the only way out from under her thumb was with a boy she approved of.

Both. I'm only willing to provide it on my terms, I suppose. Once I no longer have a use for it, that's that. At least, that's what it seems like to me.

You're quite right. I feel absurd for not realizing it sooner, but then, I'd never had any relationship last long enough for it to become such a huge concern. If someone wasn't happy, I just left. No big deal. But now, I'm actually deeply emotionally involved with the person, so it's a big deal to me. If this relationship ends because of it, I've learned my lesson - not to bother getting serious at all. ^_-v

Thank you. I just wish actually recognizing it meant that corrections could be made. Honestly, I'm pretty adaptive in some ways, but on this issue...I feel utterly locked down. Like there's no way anything can change it. I've tried just enduring sex, but now I'm to the point where I can't even make myself do that. It's rapidly becoming a hot-button issue for me. When I try to talk about it to my partner, the force of my negative emotion is - almost overpowering. I have worked very hard on my control, but feeling that kind of thing seething so forcefully beneath my restraint throws me back to the days when I would just start screaming at people and throwing things. EEK. As it is, some of the things that have come out of my mouth without my permission were pretty bad.

I'd rather be doing a hundred other things. That's like the LAST thing on my list to do, ever. There are lots of other things that are more appealing to me. Things that I can stop, start, or pause however I like.

I really think it's both. If only people weren't so sexual!

Right, and there's no seeing the other's side on this matter! It's kind of hilarious that these sorts of subjects can take so long to come up in a relationship.

My ideal relationship would definitely be without it.

Well, it's odd, because sex with people I love is definitely different than sex with people I don't, but I still don't have that interest in it and would be a lot happier if it never came up at all. But yes, I've always found sex itself to be unappealing or gross, for the most part.

I think that "link" is broken for me, or never formed in the first place. If it hasn't formed by now, I don't know how likely it is to form at this point. I guess I don't really want a healthy, intimate relationship.

I've definitely been working to find a therapist. (Very frustrating, but that's another story.) For myself, but also for this intimacy issue that is driving my partner (and therefore me) crazy.

I'd be fine with just limiting myself to asexual people or people who didn't find sex important, but I am rather attached to this particular person. Again, if this relationship bombs (and I somehow survive it, which I can't really imagine), I will make a note not to give myself the chance to get serious about anyone else. I do not need that kind of relationship fallout.

Your feedback is very helpful, and I appreciate the response. Thank you again.