[Bitsandpieces]

I've been stuck in limbo for a year or two.
I don't feel much most of the time, I don't form my crazy dependent attachments anymore, act impulsively, nothing. I know it's a defense mechanism, but I've put my life on stall and it's just because I'm so scared of risks and consequences and being hurt (Oh wow, how cliche!)
I mean, I still have those borderline sensibilities that make me wounded and irritated and guilty at the slightest thing, but most of the time, I just don't feel anything, I don't feel enough.
I don't have close relationships anymore (I refuse to), with friends or, god forbid, partners. And it's not because of lack of offers, they flow in, in fact, because I don't want them. I haven't even self harmed in months, I just stay in bed, on my pc.
It's sad when you're 18.
Also, I don't think I'm depressed, or at least not very, I still can go out and I still can have fun. It's just I've wrapped myself in layers and layers of protections and now I can't hear the outside anymore.

Any thoughts?
Should I get out of limbo? Should I stay? How do I leave?


There must have been a door here in the wall, when I came in.

[cboxpalace]

Originally Posted by Bitsandpieces

Any thoughts?
Should I get out of limbo? Should I stay? How do I leave?

This is YOUR decision! I don't say that to be flip, but only you can make this decision. I suppose it's weighing the pros and cons... Take a chance and try to change or play it safe and keep to yourself. If you want to leave do the opposite of what your inclined to do. You want to stay in, force yourself to put yourself out there..

[Bitsandpieces]

Originally Posted by cboxpalace

This is YOUR decision! I don't say that to be flip, but only you can make this decision. I suppose it's weighing the pros and cons... Take a chance and try to change or play it safe and keep to yourself. If you want to leave do the opposite of what your inclined to do. You want to stay in, force yourself to put yourself out there..

Hmm, that's making it sound overeasy. How do you do something like that? What chance should I take?

I think it originally was a semi-conscious decision, but now I see no way out, if I tried to take a chance, I fear I'd be faking it anyways. :/

[cboxpalace]

Even though you say you're not... you do sound depressed.

You also said you've wrapped yourself in layers of protections. What do you want? Do you want friendships? relationships? Maybe you need to fake it for awhile until it becomes natural to you....

I know that I made it sound easy, but I also realize from being in similar situations that it's extremely difficult..

[Bitsandpieces]

I don't know what I want :P Just think I might be wasting my time by not living at all.
I do have friends, but I don't let them close enough, none of them know of my self harm, for one, and with them I always try to be exactly what they want.

I'm sorry I'm being difficult, I'm really ambivalent and divided on all of this D: I guess I do deep down want a romantic relationship, but I don't even know where to start xD All of my past close relationships have been dysfunctional to say the least.

[cboxpalace]

Originally Posted by Bitsandpieces

I don't know what I want :P Just think I might be wasting my time by not living at all.

This is why I think depression.. I can also relate to this feeling completely.

I do have friends, but I don't let them close enough, none of them know of my self harm, for one, and with them I always try to be exactly what they want.

What would happen if you stop trying to be what they want, and start being who you are? Maybe your afraid to let people close, because you don't want them to leave or possibly because if you let them get close to you and they learn that you self harm they'll leave.. ?

I'm sorry I'm being difficult, I'm really ambivalent and divided on all of this D: I guess I do deep down want a romantic relationship, but I don't even know where to start xD All of my past close relationships have been dysfunctional to say the least.

You're not being difficult... I realize that it's hard..

[Bitsandpieces]

I have no intention of letting anyone know about my self harm ever! Apart from my psychologist. It's just too much, too private, and I have a hard time opening up, because yes, yes I think they wouldn't like me and yes I am terrified that once I let someone close they will leave and I know I cannot bear it. Last time it happened was four years ago and I'm still not over it!
But I realize I have to get out of this mindset, but I think I need clear step by step instructions, because I don't WANT to get out, but I should.
Thank you so much for taking the time to help, you're great

Originally Posted by Bitsandpieces

I have no intention of letting anyone know about my self harm ever! Apart from my psychologist. It's just too much, too private, and I have a hard time opening up, because yes, yes I think they wouldn't like me and yes I am terrified that once I let someone close they will leave and I know I cannot bear it. Last time it happened was four years ago and I'm still not over it!
But I realize I have to get out of this mindset, but I think I need clear step by step instructions, because I don't WANT to get out, but I should.
Thank you so much for taking the time to help, you're great

Some people can hear about your self-harm and be accepting. There are people who can understand, people who will not judge you for it. As for opening up in general...I don't know what to say. Honestly, you're right that the leaving happens way too frequently, and it's just so destructive for people who can't stand rejection in this first place.

[Forgive77]

You know yourself pretty well for being 18!!! I'm 34 and I'm just figuring this stuff out. I think at 18 keeping boys out of the picture is a good thing. If you go to school focus on that, and make it the deal. Keep going to therapy and the other stuff will come when you're ready for it. At least you have the sense to know where you are and what you want. I didn't...and I got pregnant at 18. Be selfish...don't worry about the relationships right now. Keep the good friends close, and when you're ready to make more...make more. I've been on pause for 6 years now. In August that will all change because all my kids will be in school. That will be huge for me, as I will have to find ways to get myself out there I guess.