Forgiveness

Hello all,

foregiveness is on my mind a lot at the moment, especially forgiving myself, making amends etc...

My father was really emotionally abusive to me and I'm just beginning to understand the effect this has had on my life. I was also bullied at school (I was a little bit more feminine than the other boys, thoughtful, intelligent, creative,) the bullying went on for maybe 8 - 10 years till I left high school.

Anyway, I know we pay a price for this happening and I grew up a bit ****ed up, but didn't realise how much.

What I want to say is that I ****ed with people as well and caused some people a lot of pain - I'm finding it difficult to see myself as anything other than a worthless ****, I know I have have to accept that I'm a mess and messed up people do messed up things.

I was able to forgive my father, he killed himself when I was 12 - my mother also has BPD, she was always too scared to tell me about it. I only found out because one morning last year I woke up one morning with the thought that I only had my mums word on how my father died (she told me he died in a car accident) I confronted her and she told me that he killed himself, if I hadn't had the thought to ask her I would probably still not know. Now I understand that he was really screwed up and like I said earlier, messed up people do messed up things.

I don't think I did anything as bad as has been done to me but I feel guilt and shame for the things I have done and want to put things right.

Has anyone else been through this process, how did you do it?

Just on my mind and would be happy to hear some feedback.

Hi! My name is Forgive!! LOL I chose the name due to these issues.

One...you have to know if the things you have done are really messed up, or if that's what people just want you to believe.

I have sent out scathing e-mails to my inlaws....the huge reaction wasn't right, but I wasn't wrong about them! Do you get what I'm saying? You have to think about what you did...do what I call a 'crazy check', take a poll on if what you have done is really that messed up. There are only so many things that are evil...have you killed someone? Are you a sexual predator, do you steal? Or....do you just blow the heck up when someone rejects you? If it's the last one.....don't hate yourself. Esp if you didn't beat anyone down over it. There are evil things in this world for sure....but being needy, and screaming isn't evil. It may not be perfect...but it isn't evil.

I have spent the last two years thinking I'm the one who is evil, and soaking it in because my inlaws are non confrontational. If that's the case for you...don't soak it in as being screwed up. You're just emotional and you care. With my inlaws the thing I had to learn was not to care, and suck in all their judgement. I am slowly becoming aware that they much be messed up too, and although my delivery might not be great...and that's all I should apologize for...that they can actually do harmful things..despite how perfect they think they are.

But....if you have stolen from people, physicaly hurt people, and you know the rest...then apologize and make things right...otherwise...forgive yourself..don't wait for them to forgive you...and move on. Some people are unforgiving, and you can't wait for them!

I too struggle with a lot of remorse about this BPD thing. My aunt, I suspect (raised me) might have been BPD and not diagnosed; she had many of the symptoms I now have.

I also struggle with the idea that I am "****ed up". I am trying now to un-**** up myself.

But that shame and that guilt can be pretty uncomfortable, I know.

I have been apologizing to my friends about this and most of them understand, but forgiving myself is harder.

Billi

Hi, thanks for the replies,

I went through it with my psychiatrist and she was able to clarify a lot of things, like the low self esteem and worthlessness that somebody like me who suffered physical and emotional abuse for a lot of years will feel, and also a sense of being responsible for everything.

As it turns out there isn't a great deal to feel guilty for, I mean a couple of things (Like stealing from my boss, but that was 12 years ago) that I need to go back and set right but mostly nothing more than the mistakes a reasonably normal 38year old guy would make going through his life.

I did feel a lot of shame and remorse about a relationship I had where I didn't behave so well, but the woman was a bit of a bully and after 12 years of that I was bound to act out a bit, I said goodbye to her last year, and will help her out where I can, I think we're both still trying to understand what happened.

S

Genesis,

This is my worry with keeping contact with exes, no matter how long you have been with them. Exes have a really crappy habit of being horribly manipulative in one way or another, or just more apt to place blame than other friends in your life. I think because both of you came out of the relationship where it may have ended on a sour note, I believe that is what people hold on to in their subsequent encounters with that person. I hope that makes sense. I have noticed that with my exes who were serious boyfriends that I cannot maintain a friendship with them without either wanting to go back with them or wanting to fight constantly with them. This is also a part of our BPD traits... the more drama, the better. While I know nobody really wants drama, us BPD sufferers seem to thrive on drama at times. Well, I hope my little vignette helped a little. Thanks for letting me ramble!

In my opinion, this rationale of yours needs to be changed. Here's why it didn't work out.. she was a bully, you acted out and at some point it just gets old and it ends. Like the person above wrote there is no point in remaining friends with the ex.. I suspect there's some sort of expectation or manipulation behind the "I will help her out where I can" ..

I'm not sure I fully understand the concept of forgiveness.. For me forgiveness means not giving a **** anymore about what happened.. yet the damage is done.. Forgiving doesn't change anything from what I can tell... I've had arguments with people, later went back apologized ask if they'd forgive me, and the relationship doesn't go back to the way it was. The relationship is altered after I was forgive, because itt didn't go back to the way it was prior to the argument. It seems to me forgiveness got me nowhere.

Now, I'm sure someone will want to explain what it means to forgive, but that means nothing to me... It's a definition which I can google if I wanted to.. To me forgiveness is an abstract internal concept that you have to figure out what it means to you and how do you accomplish what it means. If that's even possible.. ie... if you never rode a bike before.. I can tell you how to do it, what you need to do but it really doesn't accomplish anything. Just because I told you howto ride a bike doesn't mean you'll be able to do it. It's something you have to figure out for yourself..

To me forgiveness seems rather pointless.. It rarely happens, for reasons I explained above, and it certainly doesn't change what's occurred to me in my life.. So.. everyone could come to me and I could forgive them 100%.. It didn't change anything, all I said was a word, and I'm still ****ed up. Where did forgiveness get me? Nowhere!

Forgiveness for me means coming to terms with things myself, I mean maybe a person won't accept my apology or attempt to make amends but I've tried and thats enough to find peace within myself.

And also, in a bigger sense for me I'd been holding onto hate of my father for a long time, when I was able to forgive him and let go of the anger then I felt clearer, thats also when it became apparent just how much damage he'd done to me, if I hadn't forgiven him I would not have had this understanding and would not have had a chance to work on the pain I am left with.

So for me forgiveness is about clearing a path inside, finding peace and new understanding.