If not, then what?...

I'm different.
I've always wondered how other people are so "normal". How they just seem to go through life without all the bad things that people seem to think about me. How does it not effect them? I have no idea what these bad things are- but I guess they are there. I remember thinking I was never good enough for anyone. I don't understand why I get so mad, I don't understand why I get SO stressed, I don't understand why I'm so hard on myself. I should be able to understand, but I don't. I try to make friends, but it seems as if I end up scaring them away. But when I do get a friend, it seems to build VERY quickly....then to flutter out later. I'm just so sick of this. I think I want to do one thing, go to school for it (at home of course, bc I just can't go to a real school....) and then out of NOWHERE 2 months later I will be SO passionate about something else. Not even related to the first major. Rinse, wash, repeat....
I'm also paranoid about things. Always. That people (besides my family MOST of the time) are trying to hurt me. Not physically- but get me in some kind of trouble. I'm so sick of feeling like this. It seems that no meds that my doctor puts me on for Generalized Anxiety Disorder helps. I mean, the Remeron helped with the panic attacks but made me more paranoid, the buspar takes the edge off of my anxiety but nothing else. I jsut really need some direction. If you have anything to suggest please do.

I’m sorry you’ve been having such trouble. Do you have any way yourself to find and pay for a therapist who specializes in personality disorders? I know that you have a pdoc whom you trust, but PD’s are still kind of . . . well, not that well understood. Which also makes treatment difficult, but if you’re miserable and know something is wrong, then YOU know it.

Another possibility, if you need your pdoc's referral for therapy: suggest that even if you don't have all the symptoms for BPD, you do have some of them and ask the pdoc for a referral to a therapist for possible PDNOS (personality disorder - not otherwise specified).

thank you so much for your response! I just know something is going on and my husband (who is ironically, very very "normal") has started to see it as well. Thank you, my pdoc already suggested counseling and I know that that will be the next step. thank you so much for your encouragement!

Welcome to PC and this forum.

I relate to this post, as well.

I have been sick and not online much.

I relate especially to that build up, flutter out, pattern of friend making. I am pretty tired of that and maybe that's why I don't feel so much like doing it now.

I was diagnosed with bpd in 2001. I don't h ave a pdoc now cause I got shot down because of this diagnosis and my community resources' inability and unavailability to treat me.

I am also not on any meds because they did not help me either.

I am on the dbtselfhelp site often and on here.

Again, welcome. I hope you find a lot of support here.

Billi

You are not alone with your feelings. I feel, in many ways, the same way. I have tried to make sense of my feelings and it drives me nuts. I try to be positive and just know that there are other just like you. Its hard to live with mixed up feelings, let alone being unsure if you even feel anything at all. I question myself. I think well maybe I am just mean, or other people must feel just like me and I am being a baby about it. But the fact is, we cant help our emotions and how we perceive the world. We didn't ask to be born this way the same as someone doesn't ask to be born with a heart defect. People do not understand what they don't see. If it is not obvious to the naked eye, then it is nonexistent. That can be frustrating especially if it is a loved one. Try to stay positive. You are worth it just the same as anyone else is worth it.