[SwayintheBreeze]

How does a person with 'fear of abandonment issues' separate from a spouse?

I know the marriage is over.. I do not (cannot?) give him what he needs in this relationship and I KNOW I am not getting what I need. I have tried explaining but he doesn't get it at all. Rationally (ha!) I know this is over and there are times when I can think logically and say "yes, this is over, it needs to be over, I can start fresh and be happy (really?)". Yet the moment he says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore I lose my mind and will do anything to stay in the relationship... that I know isn't working... that I think should be over.... that is done. ??????? What the heck!?!

Yesterday I was an emotional trainwreck and went to a psych appt where I was told "when you go into your "crazyhead space"" .. wow.. somehow it just seems wrong for my psych (not my usual one mind you) to say my headspace is "crazy" when that is exactly what I am thinking and feeling it is.. just seemed wrong and I decided he was making fun of me and felt incredibly unsupported.

Feeling that way makes me shut down emotionally and I go into this nothing mindset where I feel nothing and care about nothing. It's like a lightswitch that he just flipped. The world seems gray and bleak and I feel so broken on the inside.. shattered like a mirror that reflects back that ugly image of my self.

I wake up each morning ticked off that I am still here.. that someone didn't take me thru the night so I don't have to live with this hurt and pain anymore..

I am always still here..

~Sway

Originally Posted by SwayintheBreeze

How does a person with 'fear of abandonment issues' separate from a spouse?

I know the marriage is over.. I do not (cannot?) give him what he needs in this relationship and I KNOW I am not getting what I need. I have tried explaining but he doesn't get it at all. Rationally (ha!) I know this is over and there are times when I can think logically and say "yes, this is over, it needs to be over, I can start fresh and be happy (really?)". Yet the moment he says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore I lose my mind and will do anything to stay in the relationship... that I know isn't working... that I think should be over.... that is done. ??????? What the heck!?!

Yesterday I was an emotional trainwreck and went to a psych appt where I was told "when you go into your "crazyhead space"" .. wow.. somehow it just seems wrong for my psych (not my usual one mind you) to say my headspace is "crazy" when that is exactly what I am thinking and feeling it is.. just seemed wrong and I decided he was making fun of me and felt incredibly unsupported.

Feeling that way makes me shut down emotionally and I go into this nothing mindset where I feel nothing and care about nothing. It's like a lightswitch that he just flipped. The world seems gray and bleak and I feel so broken on the inside.. shattered like a mirror that reflects back that ugly image of my self.

I wake up each morning ticked off that I am still here.. that someone didn't take me thru the night so I don't have to live with this hurt and pain anymore..

I am always still here..

~Sway

I feel for you sway. I really do. I was in a marriage (which I've mentioned far too many times now lol) for 13 years. I wasn't happy, yet, when the time came that she decided to separate from me, it was hell. Even though in my head I was like, "this is probably for the best"... I knew it needed to end but it was killing me even so.

To answer your question, I believe the only way is when the other person forces that separation from us. I would never have left, even through her talking to other men, and seeing them "as friends" she says, of course -- (but driving 3 hours to see one of them????) I would have been hard pressed to divorce her. She had to make the move and I think she knew that if it were ever to end. Abandonment issues... ugh.

*many hugs to you*

[SwayintheBreeze]

s4nd - thanks for that.. its reassuring to know there are others that feel that way too .. it helps.. it truly does.. He's coming back from work (he works in another town for weeks at a time) tonight so it should be an interesting <sarcasm> week given our conversations the past couple of weeks. *sigh* Part of me just wants to rip the bandaid but at the same time I cant be the one that does it.

I can feel the panic attack coming.. bleh..

Originally Posted by SwayintheBreeze

s4nd - thanks for that.. its reassuring to know there are others that feel that way too .. it helps.. it truly does.. He's coming back from work (he works in another town for weeks at a time) tonight so it should be an interesting <sarcasm> week given our conversations the past couple of weeks. *sigh* Part of me just wants to rip the bandaid but at the same time I cant be the one that does it.

I can feel the panic attack coming.. bleh..

Try not to panic. I've been there - and that, not so long ago. I don't know if you have meds for panic attacks like klonopin or something but it might help to have some prior to your conversations or just his presence later.

I'll be thinking about ya. Let us know how it goes!

I feel greatly for you and there's no easy way around it. I go through years of abandonment issues over people I only have a short relationship with. I do my best to not get too involved with anyone due to that...it's just not worth it. Hang in there. I'll support you anyway I can.

[shezbut]

Sway

I can really relate as well. My ex-hub and I were married for 14 years. While I wasn't ever really "in love" per say, I do strongly believe in making & sticking to long-term commitments. So, while I felt kind of dead inside...I also panicked at the very thought of the end of our relationship. I think that he was my "safety net".

I've talked about my marriage many times, so I'll try not to bore anyone. My ex-hub was a man that I thought I could be committed to for life, despite our differences. That changed as my depression became very severe (and I was recovering from brain injuries). My ex just didn't understand my misery at all. He had no sympathy, and only became more frustrated with me for not meeting his expectations as a stay-at-home mom. It was hell for me!!

While the divorce was very painful for me, I can now see that it was necessary. It is still sad for me to look back upon though ~ especially since we had 2 children and we've split custody. That is a hard and frequent reminder of reality.

Best wishes to you!

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Sway: I am now living SO free. I did not think it was even possible for me to do that. I literally thought my life would be so filled with misery that I could not bear it.
(I knew I was a survivor though, so I knew I would have to bear it. )

From the time I was an adolescent, through many decades of adulthood, I felt as if I needed a SO in my life in order to function, to have direction, to have a reflection of who I should be, so that I could look at that reflection and try to become the person my SO wanted me to be.

I really thought there would be no "me" if there was not someone outside of me to define who I was.

My closest friends kept telling me that I had all the skills and abilities to function on my own, but I refused to believe them. With my last SO, I was more of a caretaker/ mother figure than a wife. That is because that is what he needed, was to be re-parented. He had lots of "Mommy issues", but that is beside the point. Anyway, my friends helped me to see that by being in a relationship with him, I was proving that not only could I take care of myself, but I cold take care of everything in the household and another person and myself. I did finally see they were right, but I still did not leave.

I believed in the dream of what the relationship could be and ignored the reality of what it was. I wanted that dream so much. Even so, there came a time when it was evident that the dream would never happen. My SO and I were at an impasse. The relationship deteriorated from there.

I know what it is like to be in a relationship that you want to work. I have been in the situation where I know it isn't going to work, yet I refuse (or can't) give up on it.

Let me encourage you.

I am now on my own, for the first time in my life. Guess what? I LIKE it this way! I don't always know what to do or what direction to go in, because I do not have that mirror in my SOs eyes telling me which way to act or think or be, but I am safer now. I have more ability to decide who I am and what I want. That is new to me.

It is odd to be this old and not know who you are, but better late than never.

I am not saying what I have experienced will be your experience. You know your life and your marriage. I do not. Even so, I encourage you to come out of it, when you are ready. you may find, like I did, that it is better being alone (as scary as that sounds) than being with someone who isn't healthy for you.

When you are ready, you can do this.

If I can help in anyway, feel free to message me or whatever.

I can relate to this. I'm new here, but I'll give my experience if it will help to give you hope:
I was in a very destructive relationship for a few years. I knew it was bad for me. The other person enabled my alcohol abuse (also participated) and cheated on me a few times. I still COULD NOT leave. We would get into arguments constantly. We were on eachother all the time, arguing, disagreeing... I could not stand to be alone.
When I would get frustrated and declare that I was leaving, I would back off, panic, and practically beg for her to stay with me. The very thought of it was terrifying. Ugh, my separation anxieties would escalate and make it even WORSE!
I couldn't help but blame myself. I kept thinking I was the one who screwed it up, maybe I was. But either way, the love was no longer there, not really. My NEED was there...that was it.

Well, she had to force the breakup. I just didn't argue anymore. I didn't beg. I just left. It was one of the better I'd done for myself. It was hard at first, I sunk into depression, but had enough support to get through it. I had found out that being alone was NOT the worst thing that could happen to me. Being stuck in a cyclically unhealthy relationship was hurting me and the other person. I had to really search within myself and wish for her happiness, her true authentic happiness. Realize she really would be happier without me, and I without her. This took A LOT of work.

I don't regret it, it is very sad for me that it had to come to that totally sick place for it to end...BUT...I survived. I was okay without her. I learned that this was a good thing. I learned that I did not lose myself. It was scary as hell, it wasn't easy...but I am here to tell about it, as are many others.

If you're worried about logistics (where to live, finances, who will take the cat or kids etc.) These things will work themselves out; I believe that what truly matters is your health and happiness.

You've already made the first step, you realize the relationship is not good for either of you. You KNOW it needs to end. This is a vital step in closure and separation. For this you are further along than some and it's wonderful <3. I was grateful for knowing this (in retrospect of course). At the time it seemed like hell.

I wish you the best. I understand completely, entirely...You are NOT alone.

[SwayintheBreeze]

Thank you everyone for your comments.. it really does help.

My friends too have been trying to get me to see that I would be better and happier.. and for me, yes, its the security of it all too. I know I will be ok it's just taking that first step off the ledge that scares the heck out of me and makes me not want to. But continuing to live like this is not an option either. The stress is killing me quite literally and I need to sort out my life.

Starting over just seems so hard sometimes.. too hard sometimes..

I appreciate your support

Hope you're doing okay today Sway. Hang in there. We all got your back!