[BrokenNBeautiful]

I trust the ppl on here to try to be understanding.

I had another bad night last night.

First, I was at my NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) support group and some guys there got up to get their coffee while I was talking. Also, I seem to notice when ppl are bored when I share at groups. I notice this because sometimes (often, even), when others share, the room is quiet and no one is twiddling their thumbs or making a "standing ovation" for cofffee LOL But when I share, they do.

That feels so disrespectful.

Also, I finally got up my courage to share that I was diagnosed with a personality disorder (I did not share bpd, just "personality disorder"). I also shared my usual speil: "I alone am responsible for my own mental illness, not the doctors, etc.'.

I did share within the time limit. They use a timer.

When I was finished, the leader goes, "Are you done, Billi?" in a very impatient sounding voice. Then after group ended, I needed to talk to the co leader about the other members' behavior. She was very cold to me and usually she's not. I did not know if having a "personality disorder" turned her off. And when Betty asked me if I was done in that impatient voice, that turned *me* off.

So, I had to try and keep the defensiveness out of my voice when I replied, "Yes, Betty. I am done." But why would she ask if I was done, when I was passing the timer on to the next person?! Didn't she know I was done?

Then, Bruce was supposed to meet me at the grocery store and he didn't.

Usually I understand his chronic fatigue and depression.

But the store was in a bad neighborhood and I had to walk home in the dark! G*D I was fit to be tied. that bugger left me hanging out to dry. I prayed no one would mug me or r*p* me.

Also, he's been very grumpy around me lately.

He has very poor communication skills, worse than my own fledgeling skills. In fact, when something is bothering him that I have been doing, I have to guess and usually drag it out of him so he won't keep seeping his resentment out on me. One of the things he does to me (and the other friends he complains about to me) is he does not follow thru on something he promises he will do. He rebels and acts passiver aggressive and hides in his living room in front of the tv and goes to sleep. Then he blames me or his friends. For "stressing him out". Or he will tack it on to his depression.

I am trying to be patient with him, patient with NAMI group, but I found out again, last night, that I can't lean on anyone again.

At least right now.

Maybe I will meet some ppl yet that I can feel safe around who will not act snide toward me. Or act out their mental illness on me.

It still hurts.

I am human.

I can still feel it!

It still depresses me when I am reminded of how vulnerable I still am and how unreliable and hurtful others can be.

I am grateful to Ani, my mentor, who, as usual, did not act like i was a leper last night.

I am also grateful for this group here.

And for Andy, even, who has been there for me, talking to me like a friend, even after we broke up.

But it still hurts.

Billi

You're brave, Billi, for putting yourself on the spot when you know there's more of a chance, or than not, that you're going to walk away feeling disrespected or not appreciated. I generally avoid situations like that. That is one way you're more "mature" than me...I still yell out or walk away when facing that type of situation. I've blown up on a class of students before who were ignoring me.

There must be something about people with BPD, (an invisible sign on our backs that everyone else can see that says "ignore me"), something about our speech, or body language, the way we present ourselves that we are not aware of that lead to being ignored, misunderstood, disrespected. Don't ask me what it is but I've been in that situation many times myself. Maybe watch other people when they talk. How to they present themselves, what do they say, or HOW do they say it that might influence how others react to them? Is there anything that they do that you (we) don't? Maybe they just exude a type of confidence when speaking that you (or I) don't. Maybe go on YouTube and look up lessons on how to become a successful public speaker and see if they give any tips that you can attempt to incorporate in the way you talk to a group. Don't go out of your way to impress. It's obviously something really small, and maybe it's just the way we are and there's nothing we can do about it. Like I've said many times and mean quite seriously, I don't understand HOW most people think. I wish I did; it would make a lot of situations in life much easier and workable People just don't click with us...and I don't know why.

I hope you took these suggestions in the light they were given. I understand the way you're feeling; I've been there, and I know I'd feel hurt for a long time too. I was just thinking that since you're brave enough to put yourself on the line, maybe there's a way you can get better at it over time and be more respected among your peer groups. Let me know if anything works. I'm curious if I could get better at it too.

Hey Billi,

You know what? I understand, completely actually. There is nothing wrong with what you're feeling at all , except that it feels terrible. I get it...

In fact I have had a similar experience (which has happened more than once). I'm not telling this to steal your thunder, just so you know that I get it, I've been there, really. So I go to a few support groups too, one of which is Alcoholics Anonymous. As I've mentioned in a post once, I have a horrible time talking about my feelings. It's extermely hard for me verbally. It's one thing if I have my work face on, it's another if I'm talking about things that are so personal and leave me so vulnerable. So I had to force myself to talk at meetings. This one time I was sharing something pretty meaningful to me, I would get insecure and stop, this one woman kept looking at the clock and out the window, other people were getting up to get coffee. I wanted to either rage or stand up and yell at everyone "what the F*** is wrong with you people?!" I couldn't make eye contact with anyone, no one was listening!!!

I fell into a pretty bad mood after that, I try and make an effort to listen to everyone sincerely and with my full attention, because it just doesn't feel good AT ALL to know that people aren't paying attention. We're in such a vulnerable place when we share, we're in a support group for...oh yeah, SUPPORT.

I understand Billi, I really do...I get so insecure and my head wrapped around what other people are or aren't doing...It's so hard. I try to rationalize and remain open, find reasons that seem logical, but sometimes the only reason I'm left with is that some people are *****^&#$s.

Great job making a gratitude list, though, that's more than I do for myself.

I understand...I'm sorry Billi I hope this doesnt happen to you again. It feels awful.

[Broken Angel]

Hey Billi!
You are a pretty strong person to hold on for all this.But you know what, about that NAMI thing, just do and say what makes you comfortable even if no one is listening.Just do what makes you happy.Don't worry about others' opinions.And about Bruce, try to be more patience with him and try to understand him as much as possible and hopefully everything will be alright soon

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Maranara

Maybe watch other people when they talk. How to they present themselves, what do they say, or HOW do they say it that might influence how others react to them? Is there anything that they do that you (we) don't?

I watch people all the time and try so hard to figure them out.

I think ppl might still see how I "fake it" and try to act like a non pwbpd.

thanks,

Billi

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Maranara

Maybe they just exude a type of confidence when speaking that you (or I) don't. Maybe go on YouTube and look up lessons on how to become a successful public speaker and see if they give any tips that you can attempt to incorporate in the way you talk to a group. Don't go out of your way to impress. It's obviously something really small, and maybe it's just the way we are and there's nothing we can do about it. Like I've said many times and mean quite seriously, I don't understand HOW most people think. I wish I did; it would make a lot of situations in life much easier and workable People just don't click with us...and I don't know why.

it's probably more this. I am not sure I can do anything about it. People are just going to get turned off no matter what.

I do remember a time when it was easier to make friends. That was before I lived with Bruce and before this stupid diagnosis! Maybe I lost my confidence even more and ppl can just pick at me.

Billi

[BrokenNBeautiful]

people hate neediness.

that hits me right to my core!

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by stratocaster

Hey Billi,

This one time I was sharing something pretty meaningful to me, I would get insecure and stop, this one woman kept looking at the clock and out the window, other people were getting up to get coffee. I wanted to either rage or stand up and yell at everyone "what the F*** is wrong with you people?!" I couldn't make eye contact with anyone, no one was listening!!!

I fell into a pretty bad mood after that, I try and make an effort to listen to everyone sincerely and with my full attention, because it just doesn't feel good AT ALL to know that people aren't paying attention. We're in such a vulnerable place when we share, we're in a support group for...oh yeah, SUPPORT.

It's a good thing I am not Queen of AA! LMAO. If I were, my bpd rage would compel me to make a whole LIST of rules about respect during sharing!

thanks,

Billi

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Broken Angel

Hey Billi!
You are a pretty strong person to hold on for all this.But you know what, about that NAMI thing, just do and say what makes you comfortable even if no one is listening.Just do what makes you happy.Don't worry about others' opinions.And about Bruce, try to be more patience with him and try to understand him as much as possible and hopefully everything will be alright soon

I am being patient with bruce. Just had a bad time; I had had it with him that night. And then having to walk home in an unsafe area! I coulda been r*ped! I know you're trying to be helpful. thanks.

As for NAMI, I am not going to talk there anymore; just introduce myself and my diagnosis when it's my turn. Not my PD, just my Axis One illness, depression.

Billi

[BrokenNBeautiful]

thanks everyone.

I really really appreciate it.

Billi

Originally Posted by billi_leli

I am not sure I can do anything about it. People are just going to get turned off no matter what.

That may be true....or not. It's extremely hard, part of our black and white thinking that we can't do something. We are naturally self-hating, self-depricating. No one will ever be as hard on us as we are. It's not YOUR fault that they act that way; THEY have issues. I'm just saying to keep that in mind. Maybe your mentor can help. Do a mock speech in front of him and see if he can give you some pointers that would help you gain confidence that would make it a bit easier. I know it's easier said than done....I have a lot of issues with it too. I'm much better at giving advice than I am at taking it myself.

Originally Posted by billi_leli

It's a good thing I am not Queen of AA! LMAO. If I were, my bpd rage would compel me to make a whole LIST of rules about respect during sharing!

bhahah! Me too...I would make such strict rules that people would want to leave and drink. lmao.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

thanks.

I am thinking about videotaping myself. To see how I look to others.

and thanks strato for the identification with my frustration.

B.

Originally Posted by billi_leli

thanks.

I am thinking about videotaping myself. To see how I look to others.

and thanks strato for the identification with my frustration.

B.

I mean...there's got to be SOMETHING that we do that turns off others. You're NOT the only one Billi. I sometimes make light of things, not because I think it's funny but it's my means of coping. I'd rather laugh than cry. Good luck with figuring it out. Don't be too critical of yourself, but if you come up with any conclusions, let us know. You're not the only one.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I mean...there's got to be SOMETHING that we do that turns off others.

I only wish I knew that *something*. ha ha

I hate feeling like people know about something about me that I don't. What a yucky feeling.

B.

You know,

I think it's a perception. An acquaintence saw me the other day and I said something quite dryly to her. I always thought she hated me or thought that I was strange. She laughed hysterically and said something like "haha, you're one of the funniest people I know." I was taken aback, I thought she hated me.

Maybe we just have extremely skewed perceptions , and there isn't anything 'wrong' with us in how the world sees us, only in our own perceptions? Or, maybe everyone else gets the same 'reactions' from others, but because they are self-validated and sure of themselves, they don't have problems with it? Just a thought...

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I am also beginning to know that I have always had trouble interacting with others because the very first time I did, I was committed. So I think that people react to me when it's really no big deal. And vice versa.

Broken, formerly knows as Billi

[cboxpalace]

Originally Posted by BrokenNBeautiful

I trust the ppl on here to try to be understanding.

I had another bad night last night.

First, I was at my NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) support group and some guys there got up to get their coffee while I was talking. Also, I seem to notice when ppl are bored when I share at groups. I notice this because sometimes (often, even), when others share, the room is quiet and no one is twiddling their thumbs or making a "standing ovation" for cofffee LOL But when I share, they do.

It's interesting that you mention guys, because I'd probably be one of them getting my coffee or "standing ovation" and then head outside until your done. Here's something to think about and decide if there is any validity to what I'm about to say.. if you speak in the manner you write it is very dramatic, and I can imagine for a guy it would be an irritant. Some of this drama or dramatics is deliberately created by you for ie... you do a name change for security reasons, and then do two threads about your name change, and exposing your old identity. You also mention that you added it to another forum in addition to this one. It contradicts the purpose of the name change, also not everyone needs to know or cares. You have friends in the forum, send them a pm explaining the situation rather than make a public announcement. This is NOT the only time you've done similar actions. I can think of another time where someone made a comment and I'm not convinced it was even directed at you, but you had to do a thread on how unsafe you felt, and then a thread about why you were leaving pc, because you felt unsafe and you'll miss everyone. I'm NOT saying ALL your threads fall into this category. If you're having a ****** day, if you have something thought provoking write a thread, but if it's something to call attention to yourself or dramatic it might be best to challenge yourself not to write that thread.

It also seems that you have this very "touchy feely, inner child" approach to therapy. I find that people with this approach to therapy seem to have certain expectations of others and from point of view that style of therapy is very dramatic because of that approach. You may think that you're entitled to these expectations, but you're not entitled to anything when it infringes on another person's comfort zone. My guess is men would be most uncomfortable with this approach to therapy. I cringe inside when I'm around people like this. I have two options leave or be incredibly irritated. I leave. My leaving is being respectful from my point of view otherwise you're going to get my thoughts whether you want them or not and whether or not I'm allowed to give them.

That feels so disrespectful.

It may be disrespectful to you, but it could be very mentally healthy for them.

Also, I finally got up my courage to share that I was diagnosed with a personality disorder (I did not share bpd, just "personality disorder"). I also shared my usual speil: "I alone am responsible for my own mental illness, not the doctors, etc.'.

I suggest you say bpd next time. Go outside of your comfort zone and challenge yourself not to care what others think.

The bolded part is this dramatic "touchy feely" language that I talk about. No one needs to know your usual spiel. The fact, you mention it's your "usual spiel", I think says something. It's almost one of the statements where a person would want to say, "duh!" Trust me people will be able to infer if you take responsibility for your actions or not.

I did share within the time limit. They use a timer.

Time limit is not the issue, content is.

When I was finished, the leader goes, "Are you done, Billi?" in a very impatient sounding voice. Then after group ended, I needed to talk to the co leader about the other members' behavior. She was very cold to me and usually she's not. I did not know if having a "personality disorder" turned her off. And when Betty asked me if I was done in that impatient voice, that turned *me* off.

This may be one of those situations where you're reading into the situation, because you mentioned "personality disorder". Maybe she was irritated. Maybe she thought you were being childish by tattling on the other group members. Maybe they were being respectful to you by getting up and walking away. They have mental illness too, and maybe your approach infringes on their comfort zone. Be thankful! Maybe their like me, and don't always react nicely to people with this approach to therapy/speech. Regardless, usually people who need to tattle on others want their name to be kept confidential. If you have an issue with someone's behavior make sure their aware you're the one with the issue.

You seem overly concerned about other peoples perception of you, and my suggestion would be to step outside your comfort zone and work on not caring what others think. You can practice this online.

Let me give an example... I use to worry about pleasing everyone or whether or not I offended someone. I'd please one group of people and another group would be pissed off.. I try and please them, and more people would be unhappy. I finally realized that I'm not able to please everyone, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to accept or apply to my life. What I wrote to you was very blunt and to the point, possibly abrasive. It can be offensive to many, but some appreciate it because what I wrote is content driven. I focus on the ones that appreciate and pay little attention to those that don't. It wasn't always like this, but after doing this several hundred times here and elsewhere it's now easy. While my approach in "real" life is toned down to some extent I've become much more comfortable with the decisions I make, and find it easier to accept not everyone is going to like my decision, and that's ok.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I am in a place where my behavior cannot be confronted right now.

I understand if ppl are trying to help.

But I NEED TO GO SLOW.

Broken

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I have trouble taking criticism.

if someone needs to show me the other side of things, fine. Just please not to attack my character or my behavior.

I also read in a book just now that criticism is not approriate for support groups because in support groups, we often share very vulnerable parts of ourselves.

I do understand someone's zeal in trying to help. But careful.

Broken

[BrokenNBeautiful]

thanks Maranara.

I apologize for being defensive ppl.

I just feel triggered, like a bad kid.

Like needy demanding woman.

Originally Posted by cboxpalace

.. if you speak in the manner you write.

She is very brave for speaking when she knows she's likely to walk away feeling low, rejected, and ignored. It doesn't matter if others take the way anyone talks as an irritant or not; everyone has the right to speak and should be given common courtesy to say what's on their minds with out people being rude and basically uncivilized.

From my very short amount of experience "talking" with people with BPD (on this forum and in the PC chat rooms) and from my lifetime of experience (46 years) dealing with BPD, many, many of us can't really talk about our problem (BPD or otherwise) much at all, but can write to at least some degree. I was raised under the command "Don't you DARE tell our personal problems to ANYBODY" and was ignored and ostracized when I went against that command. I am an English teacher with a writing background. I can write eloquently and with a bit of practice and prodding can write about pretty much anything...but not necessarily without consequences. But talk? Are you kidding?? If you got me in a room, I'd be lucky to speak to you at all about anything much less what's really on my mind. Ultimate silent treatment. That's one reason why my most recent abandonment has hit me so profoundly; I did something I never do and I opened up....and now I have no one to talk to and am paying the price for my lapse in judgement. And....of course....now...I've said too much again. ....but I HAD to set it right. You ARE brave to talk.....

Hey, I can only speak from my own experience, because that's all that I know. I have a very hard time talking in person about my feelings. I can also write, somewhat, yet have extreme trouble verbally (I will stumble over my words and have to stop).

I think I may come off as somewhat 'dramatic' when expressing myself, because this is the only way I've learned how to communicate. I know this is ineffective, yet, without any alternative (my brain is wired differently) I continue to do the same thing.

I understand the intent of underlining of certain behaviors to show someone else where they're lacking or being misunderstood. This can be taken a variety of ways, it is hopefully done with caring. I know many of my greatest teachers were people who I thought at the time to be extraordinarly cold, removed and 'unkind.' In retrospect this was not the case.

However, I have a lot of growing to do. I still get resentments from these kinds of things. I take any form of criticism extremely personally, isn't that a part of what we do as people with BPD? I personally get all bent out of shape at criticism whether it's done in a loving way or not.

If one of my so-called 'teachers' explains to me that my emotional reaction is 'over the top' (which it often is), it doesn't change it. I already know my current methods are not working --obviously some kind of reinforcement was given for my behaviors in the past, which is why I continue to do them...(we learn via conditioning) However, we also learn experientally.

For instance, today I was talking with a friend who knows me well, about some of my BPD traits. I was asking for honest answers about her take on my behavior. Is my Borderline that apparent? Well, yes it is...She declared that my need for approval or validation if you will was moreso than most. (Many people can validate themselves and don't need approval from others). The people 'getting up for coffee' would not bother a 'healthy' person for example, at least not much. I am not them. Knowing this was interesting, but her telling me did nothing to change my need for approval from others. WHY I do this: I already know, it is near-impossible to validate myself and approve of MYSELF.

Also, my friend said that if things do not go my way, I react emotionally...I don't have a full-blown temper tantrum mind you, but I do react. This in itself made me feel extremely defensive. I'm not a spoiled brat! How dare she...but I came back to the present and tried to integrate my feelings, right, I had asked her, I wanted honesty, I wanted criticism yet I felt taken aback when I got it. I can't take criticism. Why would I react when things don't go my way? Looking at this got me to thinking, I'm not a dramatic spoiled brat, but it can come across that way, I crave validation...If my 'way' is invalid...it reinforces my sense of invalidation.

So I got the honest friend perspective and I know WHY I behave in certain ways, but it doesn't change my behavior...I am still this way. I still suck at taking criticism despite it's good intentions from people who love me and people who are neutral toward me.

My black and white thinking comes into play too: Well if they think I am a spoiled brat then they HATE me. If they don't have criticism then they LOVE me. There's no balance. Someone can love/like me and still criticize me. Someone can hate my guts and have no criticism for me. Someone can walk away and my feelings are INVALID. Someone can sit and really listen to me, but, my feelings are STILL invalid. What a paradox for a person with BPD...what a paradox for me.

DUring a support group, like anywhere else, I need validation. Not having it, or having it in surplus won't change anything...Someone pointing it out to me doesn't make my need go away either.

It is brave to talk. We are extremely vulnerable in a support group type venue...we are exposing are weaknesses and (hopefully) being honest with ourselves and others. This leaves us open to criticism.
I know I can't talk exhaustively, though. It doesn't help me...I could have the validation of the whole world and it still wouldn't make the feeling go away, not until I validate myself...Until I do that, all and every type of criticism comes as a threat. I give myself the criticism too!

I understand how some of us Borderlines can be dramatic to the observing world; I don't think it has to do anything with being a man or woman, I've met both alike who were equally so. But there's always an underlying reason, why do we do certain things and feel certain ways? Why do we hate criticism? Why does it really get under our skin when Joe-blow is walking away while we're talking? It comes down to validation...

Broken, your feelings are valid. You are brave for talking and exposing yourself, Mara is right.

I know I can't change other people ...I can only change myself...so that's where I personally need to look first. (hence why I always try to speak from my own experience and perspective)... Criticism is valid, however many times unwarranted, lol, even if it's done with respect and understanding. Walking away is also valid. Listening is valid... We are all valid. Criticism makes me spin my wheels, but so does talking even to someone who IS listening to me with intent...I spin my wheels by nature...(well , by nature of my BPD).
Until I can validate myself I will spin ever more.

Hugs your way Broken I hope your day is going better today.

[cboxpalace]

Originally Posted by Maranara

She is very brave for speaking when she knows she's likely to walk away feeling low, rejected, and ignored. It doesn't matter if others take the way anyone talks as an irritant or not; everyone has the right to speak and should be given common courtesy to say what's on their minds with out people being rude and basically uncivilized.

1. This is not about being brave
2. This is not about whether a person has the right to talk or not, obviously they do.
3. Whether a person walking away is rude or not is a matter of perception. You view it as rude, and I view as they are potentially keeping themselves mentally healthy.

Everything, in what I wrote was completely relevant and should be given thought rather than ignored. There are many people, me being one, that have issues with people creating theatrics/drama. A person like me that would choose to walkaway would be far better than the alternative.

Be brave, say what you want, but don't base how you feel on others reactions. If you have issues with them then address them rather than go behind their back and take it up with the group leader. The other members in that group are just as mentally ill, and they have to put their well being before that of others.

From my very short amount of experience "talking" with people with BPD (on this forum and in the PC chat rooms) and from my lifetime of experience (46 years) dealing with BPD, many, many of us can't really talk about our problem (BPD or otherwise) much at all, but can write to at least some degree. I was raised under the command "Don't you DARE tell our personal problems to ANYBODY" and was ignored and ostracized when I went against that command. I am an English teacher with a writing background. I can write eloquently and with a bit of practice and prodding can write about pretty much anything...but not necessarily without consequences. But talk? Are you kidding?? If you got me in a room, I'd be lucky to speak to you at all about anything much less what's really on my mind. Ultimate silent treatment. That's one reason why my most recent abandonment has hit me so profoundly; I did something I never do and I opened up....and now I have no one to talk to and am paying the price for my lapse in judgement. And....of course....now...I've said too much again. ....but I HAD to set it right. You ARE brave to talk.....

Pretty much everything you wrote is irrelevant to what I wrote. This is also NOT about speaking. The issue at hand was.... she felt it was disrespectful or something to that affect with others getting up and going for coffee. I gave specific reasons as to why that may be occurring, and they have a right to do so if they feel they need to. Now, as I see it she has one of two options.
1. Ignore everything I've written. (not a good idea in my opinion, but it doesn't affect me so I don't care).
2. Think about it and decide if there may be any relevance in what I said. This seems to be the wiser of the two.

Regardless... The moral of the story is this.. NOT everyone is going to like you, and you'll be constantly letdown if you base how you feel on the reactions of a few. It's better to focus on the ones that appreciate what is being said, as opposed to those that choose to walkaway.

Originally Posted by cboxpalace

1. This is not about being brave
2. This is not about whether a person has the right to talk or not, obviously they do.
3. Whether a person walking away is rude or not is a matter of perception. You view it as rude, and I view as they are potentially keeping themselves mentally healthy.

Everything, in what I wrote was completely relevant and should be given thought rather than ignored. There are many people, me being one, that have issues with people creating theatrics/drama. A person like me that would choose to walkaway would be far better than the alternative.

Be brave, say what you want, but don't base how you feel on others reactions. If you have issues with them then address them rather than go behind their back and take it up with the group leader. The other members in that group are just as mentally ill, and they have to put their well being before that of others.



Pretty much everything you wrote is irrelevant to what I wrote. This is also NOT about speaking. The issue at hand was.... she felt it was disrespectful or something to that affect with others getting up and going for coffee. I gave specific reasons as to why that may be occurring, and they have a right to do so if they feel they need to. Now, as I see it she has one of two options.
1. Ignore everything I've written. (not a good idea in my opinion, but it doesn't affect me so I don't care).
2. Think about it and decide if there may be any relevance in what I said. This seems to be the wiser of the two.

Regardless... The moral of the story is this.. NOT everyone is going to like you, and you'll be constantly letdown if you base how you feel on the reactions of a few. It's better to focus on the ones that appreciate what is being said, as opposed to those that choose to walkaway.

Cbox, I understand what you are saying and am not ignoring you, nor am I attempting to cause drama. One of the things that is at the heart of my BPD is in the inability to perceive things as they are or to determine someone's intentions towards me. My behaviors are learned from a mother who constantly and consistently punished or ignored me whenever I attempted to express my feelings. Maybe I cannot base by current experiences on my past ones, but that is what I fight everyday. I have said on this forum many times that I know how I feel but do not have the ability to discern how others feel, therefore I lack the ability to competently relate or associate with them. Does that mean I should give up trying? Certainly not, but that doesn't mean that others have the right to invalidate my efforts or feelings by saying that the way I feel doesn't count or that all I'm trying to do is cause drama. My life experiences have turned me in to a virtual mute unless someone breaks through, and then my emotions rule and I am filled with drama until they finally have enough and leave. You, on the other hand, cannot handle the drama of others. On this point, due to our differing life experiences, we must respectfully agree to disagree.