[MDDBPDPTSD]

Incredibly sad.

discouraged.

Angry.

Feel worthles and helpless to stop the downward spiral.

I HATE life.

Based on events in my life, the feeling is mutual.

I keep trying to find answers form God to make all this make sense.

It will make sense once I enter eternity, right?

I am not going to suicide or anything. Damn it. I can't do it. I am a f'ing survivor,,,, no matter how angry that makes. me

I wish I could kill me. but I am stuck here. I have to deal, no matter how horrible things get, I will survive. I should be grateful for this. I am not, It pisses me off. I wish I could just give up.

Since I cannot, I am here, on PC, asking for help, support, advice ro whatever.

I apologize for being needy, but this is me. YUCK. I hate being me. I am sorry I need help. I am not worth the effort, but I do appreciate it.

[notz]

MDDBPDPTSD,

I'm sorry you're hurting so bad. I wish I had the answers that you wish for. I am like you, I am a survivor and it ain't all it's cracked up to be. It's tough, not for the faint of heart.

You're here now. Keep it that way, it's not your turn for eternity yet.

Hugs if okay.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

there is no need to apologize for having needs.

thanks for reaching out.

I have no answers.

But I too have survived H**L.

And I am still here.

We can do it.

Oh, it hurts.

It seems so cruel.

I relate.

And you don't have to apologize.

I feel so guilty, too, about my needs, about just taking up space on the planet and needing people who I am sure do not need me.

I guess that last part is not true, but it seems true quite often as I still cannot connect.

B.

[notz]

MDDBPDPTSD,

Are you better today? I sure hope so!

MDD,

Much love during this very hard time for you...
I can't speak for anyone else but myself; I have been there. In fact, just the other day I wrote in my journal that 'I hate myself.' It's too f***ing hard having this disorder...it burrows into my very thinking and manifests itself in my behavior.

You do not have to be sorry here, this is a safe place. Although I know we can't help but apologize... We are all a universal family here...brought together by our disorder. We most importantly understand one another. Your needs will be met here, and that is okay, it is okay to ask for them.

I've mentioned before, we as people who suffer from BPD have very limited, if non-existent, coping mechanisms. We do not know how to comfort ourselves as healthy people do. When we feel pain we seek validation from others. This is not our fault -- we didn't receive something essential when we needed it.

This may not help you coming from me, or from others, or from many. But I mean it sincerely...you are worth it...I know right now it may feel as if surviving is all you're doing. Sitting in those emotions is okay. It feels as if you're descending into a black hole, all you can see, feel, taste, touch, hear is your pain. I have no advice. However, I understand, entirely and completely.

We are in a black room, no door, no window, no light...no hope...Others say we have painted the walls ourselves? This is not true...we have been placed there, out of our control, against our will...
These feelings feel like great, heavy burdens and we are forced to drag them around through life. We can't break the walls down for you, but we can shine light enough for you to find your way out, and talk, so you know you don't have to do it alone.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Originally Posted by notz

MDDBPDPTSD,

Are you better today? I sure hope so!

I am hanging in there.I talked to my therapist on the phone for a bit today. I will see her in a few days. But she can's make this better. But at least I will be able to get a different perspective on my issues.
Thanks for asking.
I will survive. No telling what I will have o go through to do that, but I will survive.

Thanks again.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Originally Posted by stratocaster

MDD,

Much love during this very hard time for you...
I can't speak for anyone else but myself; I have been there. In fact, just the other day I wrote in my journal that 'I hate myself.' It's too f***ing hard having this disorder...it burrows into my very thinking and manifests itself in my behavior.

You do not have to be sorry here, this is a safe place. Although I know we can't help but apologize... We are all a universal family here...brought together by our disorder. We most importantly understand one another. Your needs will be met here, and that is okay, it is okay to ask for them.

I've mentioned before, we as people who suffer from BPD have very limited, if non-existent, coping mechanisms. We do not know how to comfort ourselves as healthy people do. When we feel pain we seek validation from others. This is not our fault -- we didn't receive something essential when we needed it.

This may not help you coming from me, or from others, or from many. But I mean it sincerely...you are worth it...I know right now it may feel as if surviving is all you're doing. Sitting in those emotions is okay. It feels as if you're descending into a black hole, all you can see, feel, taste, touch, hear is your pain. I have no advice. However, I understand, entirely and completely.

We are in a black room, no door, no window, no light...no hope...Others say we have painted the walls ourselves? This is not true...we have been placed there, out of our control, against our will...
These feelings feel like great, heavy burdens and we are forced to drag them around through life. We can't break the walls down for you, but we can shine light enough for you to find your way out, and talk, so you know you don't have to do it alone.

This is so beautiful. Thank you.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

you keep holding on.

Pullin for ya.

Billi

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Today did not go as expected. My ability to be flexible is diminished as i get more depressed and anxious. When situations change unexpectedly, I must change and bend to accommodate that change.

I am not very pliable these days. I feel like I am filled to the rim with negative emotions, so much so it is hard to even move. Since I am having trouble even moving, how can I be expected to bend and become flexible?

Life can be cruel.

Yet I live to fight another day. Damn it.

I appreciate your concern and support. I MUST find time an energy to take steps to make me feel better.

Once I get the courage and energy to face the disaster hat is my kitchen, I will go int he cabinet and get a scented candle and light it just for me. Maybe I will also do some inspirational reading or, (as bizarre as it sounds), just sit and hug myself.

Maybe I could even convince me to do a mindfulness exercise or two.

It is weird how when I am depressed, I desperately want to feel better, but there seems to be this force inside me that prevents me from doing anyhing that would actually make me feel better.

I did go out today to try to make me feel better. But I blew it when I went out. I spent literally hundreds of dollars that I do not have. Now, I have stuff that might make me feel a little better, but I am worried about the fallout from the expense. If things do not work out , this shopping spree will make me homeless. I knew that when I did it, but I did it anyway.

How stupid is that?

I hate me. I hate BPD. I cried and cried today, including in public. I have gotten so used to crying in public, that it no longer embarrasses me the way it once did. I simply explained to folks that I was having an emo day and to not worry about it. It was surprisingly easy, considering.

Anyway, just checking in. Hopefully this oppressive cloud of doom will lift soon and I can go back to my normal state of being: quietly depression mixed with bursts of anxiety. YeeHah!

Sigh.

[notz]

It is weird how when I am depressed, I desperately want to feel better, but there seems to be this force inside me that prevents me from doing anyhing that would actually make me feel better.

I understand totally.

Glad you made it through the day.

[LizzieVale]

Originally Posted by MDDBPDPTSD

I MUST find time an energy to take steps to make me feel better.

It is weird how when I am depressed, I desperately want to feel better, but there seems to be this force inside me that prevents me from doing anyhing that would actually make me feel better.

I can totally relate to what your saying MDD.

It's as though I hate myself so much that Im not even worthy of feeling better about myself. I would never dream of treating a stranger on the street as badly as I treat myself....yet i treat myself like the total scum of the earth....Im so tired of hating myself....wish i could treat myself with some love and respect.

Huge hugs and hope that tomorrow is a better day for you xx

Hey MDD,

I'm sorry to hear you had another rough day. It may not mean much, but this too shall pass...The impermanence of our feelings seem so distant to us. Our very core is telling us that we will feel this way forever! Our lack of coping skills and self-comfort make it so difficult to find adequate means of getting through them...we instantly turn toward the path of desparation and panic. We are trapped in that room again, yet cornered in...

I think it wonderful that you lit a candle, cried and thought about hugging yourself. We have to be so gentle with ourselves and treat ourselves as someone we truly love, unconditionally. Someone who IS healing. (I am far from being there). I can only offer that the best way that I've found recently of comforting myself is to do nice things for my senses. I don't have this mastered and it takes a lot of work and patience with myself. This sounds extremely visceral but it's effective, it also helps me experience things more completely.
Here are a few things I can offer that I've tried as self-soothing in the past few days:
Make some 'comfort' food (for example mine is grilled cheese sandwiches). I baked chocolate chip cookies and let the smell fill my house, tasted them, experienced them. Put on my favorite comfy sweatpants and really tried to feel the warm, soft material against my skin, put on my favorite flannel shirt. Wrap up in a soft blanket and stretch out my legs, breathe deep and cuddle the blanket. Streamed some ambient nature, jungle or rainstorm sounds/music from the internet. Made some peppermint tea. Sat outside on my porch and smelled the crisp autumn air. I try to focus on nothing else...When I try to do this, my feelings are still there...overwhelmingly so, but I am trying to treat myself with compassion. It's a start.
We are so fragile. You deserve to experience universal love, love from us and others, love from yourself. We are not all we have, we are not alone, you are not alone.
We just have to be gentle with ourselves in this cruel world.

As far as your purchases, can you take them back and get your money back? If not, ...things will work out; financial worries are valid worries. Try to remind yourself that you didn't do anything wrong though, you were trying to comfort yourself in a way you best knew how. Why else do we buy nice things but to try and make ourselves happy? Buyer's remorse is a real dilemna, we feel powerless over our ability to change past decisions...we can accept and move forward which is so much easier said than done, if I could accept things I can't change I'd be a lot happier. You observed yourself and are asking for help...this is the epitome of courge in my opinion! All I ask is that you be gentle with yourself. You are still on your way to recovery, we can't expect perfection from ourselves...otherwise we wouldn't have problems in the first place. Progress is not perfection.
I hope your day is better today.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I especially relate to not feeling like making myself feel better.

Billi