Patterns

I've noticed that I seem to be completely different around different people. Around my sister - like a submissive sibling who she continues to try to snuff out. Around my Mom - like the most unlikeable person on earth. Around my therapist - like an unchangeable pathetic disaster. Around my BF - like an actress playing the part required. Around friends who have 'immunity' to my changeable states of mind - they see all of me- the good and the bad. Around friends who I suspect cannot tolerate my moods - once again- the actress, showing only the best side. Around work colleagues - a confident success story.

I really have no idea which one of these people is truly 'me'. It's quite exhausting. Does anybody else here relate to this?

I do. I don't think my changes are quite as dramatic as yours, but the result is the same. No one know the real me...if such a person exists.

Yes I have the same issues as you. I am multiple people. If you've ever seen the movie 'Gia' one of my favorites is, since IMO Gia Carangi possibly had BPD, when one of the characters named Linda says that 'she was a different person to everybody... and if somebody said they really knew her, then they didn't know her at all.' That's pretty much me to a T. I can't say I'm the same person around everyone. I think all humans are like this but for a BPD sufferer it's worse and much more erratic... intense.

Like for example - with my mom I'm often the victim or extremely childish as a means of securing her affections. With my boyfriend I'm the intense femme fatale but also extremely possessive and obsessive, that side of me coming out at full force that I usually keep locked away. With an acquaintance I'm the cool, detached James Dean type who's kinda too good for society. So yes, I take bits and pieces of personas to make many of my own. It's a skewed reality and I often keep separate selves for separate scenarios as a way of surviving, thriving or getting what I want... sounds bad but it's true and it's an issue with my BPD.

Long story short you aren't alone.

I really like what asp said regarding Gia:
"'she was a different person to everybody... and if somebody said they really knew her, then they didn't know her at all.'"

I feel this way...Although, as I've become more honest and consistent in recent years (which could be maturity) certain people come fairly close to knowing the real me. I apply certain aspects of personas I find appealing and apply them to situations...

If I am in a social situation and feel uncomfortable I am cool and aloof, if I am in a social situation and the people know me well I can be funny and silly...serious occasions political and professional events I am the confident intellect. I think others do this to a degree, but maybe not as much as we BPDs do it.

I really think this has to do with our wavering and inconsistent sense of self/identity. We don't really know who we are..we lack consistency so we model after what we think others would like (which also has to do with our desire for approval).

Personality is defined as "The combination of characteristics or qualities that form an individual's distinctive character" and identity is defined as: "the sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time"
I find that we can look at what 'traits and values' are consistent in our personalities and see if they apply across the board it can help us to get a more stable picture of ourselves. For instance, I know for certain these traits apply to me always: I like to make others laugh, I am empathetic, I enjoy learning, I'm curious, I am intelligent, I am open-minded, analytical, and shy (just some examples). Listing our 'traits' that apply always can be helpful...

I do this as well. I wish I didn't but I can't help it. I don't know who I am or who I want to be so I act and be who I think others want me to be in any given situation. I've gone as far as "changing" my likes and dislikes depending on who I'm around with the thought that they will like me/accept me better if I like what they like and act like I think they want me to act.

Thanks everybody for sharing your experiences. I know I'm not the only one struggling with this but it helps to actually hear from others going through the same thing. I think most people I associate IRL would not admit it if they change personas, and I doubt they do it to the same degree anyway. Sometimes I feel like I am demeaning myself by being such a chameleon but I suppose a more positive way to look at it is to say that I am simply being practical and doing what I need to do to survive. I'm pretty much certain that about 99.999% of the population can't handle 'all' of me. And I don't handle isolation well.

Hi Athena,

It's clear from what you wrote that you're going insane. Do they have insane asylums in Canada? If they do you need to check yourself in like 2 weeks ago.

I think there is something to be pondered with the part that I bolded. They see ALL of you. So.. Apparently there is an "ALL of YOU". I don't believe in the "immunity" theory of yours. I think there is more to this. All these other people that don't see "All of you" do you idealize them more? Want them more? See them as being better than you? These people that do see "All of you" do you value them less? What is the "Full" you like around these people that see "All of you"? These kinds of questions go on and on and you may be able to learn something useful. It's something to think about imo.

I don't have a specific answer for you, but I "think" maybe you can learn something possibly from what you've written. If I was forced to give a more specific answer I guess I'd tell you to google Canadian Insane Asylums..

lol
I'm sure you know I jest!!!

Clearly. Yes. And...been there done that...I only needed a few hours to decide that I'd go even more insane listening to people worse off than me 24/7.
Well, I suppose I will answer here because otherwise I probably won't give it the attention it deserves. Those who don't see all of me I either don't trust, feel they are judgemental, or I think they're just a 'little too together' and therefore I consider them a flight risk. There's usually some quality I admire in them though that makes me want to keep them around. People who do see all of me I generally trust more, they are more patient individuals, less judgemental and more laid back. I wouldn't say I value them less but I do feel that they have some flaws, something that makes them more human. That isn't to put them down as I still consider that they have far fewer flaws than I do. I have noticed in hindsight though that significant others that showed a selfish or unkind side generally saw the worst of me. I think it's a way of subconsciously getting them to reject me because I find rejection so horrible I can't bear to do it to somebody else. And as a second motivating factor, I just don't want to go back into isolation and if/when I do get up the energy to try again, the next one may be even worse. I think that some of the S.I. I've done in the past is an extreme version of this. "Do to yourself what you'd like to do to the other" because you don't (consciously) want them to leave you. Subconsciously you know they are hurting you so you'd like to seriously hurt them. Come to think of it, that also seems to be awfully close to the definition of 'splitting'.

I expect no less of you. Clearly you are bored out of your skull (another symptom of BPD if you ask me)...even to the point of trying to entertain yourself in a 'not always so entertaining' forum. I admire your spunk. And the fact that you do have at least one character trait that is consistent enough to be considered part of an actual 'identity'. Hmmm...perhaps you are not as far gone as you think.

this is interesting that you wouldn't want to think about it or give it attention.

I find this interesting .. "you want to keep them around". You're calling the shots? There's some quality you admire. It almost comes across like you can take them or leave them, but you keep them around because there is some redeemable quality about them. Do you think you could be real close friends with these kinds of people and be happy yourself? Is it possible they'd be better classified as an acquaintance? In which case their not going to see ALL of you? If any of that is true..

Then this

the word friends would = acquaintance. An acquaintance is not going to see our full range of emotions/moods, and showing only your best side would be more normal than not imo.

It seems you see these people as your real friends. What is interesting is here with these people you see their flaws which make them more real. The people you mention above you only want them around because of some quality you admire. There is nothing about these peoples flaws, and they do some have some. (sorry, I'm not being too articulate with my thoughts. I hope you see what I'm trying to get at here).

Good!

Yes, I am bored, and I do believe that to be a symptom as well. I could go on a lot here, but I'm too tired at the moment. I'm disappointed.

you say spunk, someone else says asshole... lol

IF I could take this trait that you describe and transfer it into "real" life then life would be interesting, but I'd probably be in more trouble. It's a way of forcing me to become like everyone else, and I have no desire to be like everyone else.. There's enough everyone's and the vast majority of them bore the **** out of me. What a dilemma..