[Christina86]

So. I don't officially have the diagnosis of BPD. My former shrink said I had characteristics, but not enough for a diagnosis.

REGARDLESS.

I'm really finding it difficult to control cycling thoughts, and I was wondering how people find ways to calm their mind down, or redirect it, so you stop obsessing?

I don't like rejection. Not a surprise, nobody does. But when I get rejected, I start obsessing over my worth as a person, and whether or not everyone hates me... which then is compounded when I can't get anyone on the phone when I'm starting an emotional freakout.

This evening the rejection thing comes up. I get passive aggressive. Then I obsess about whether or not I suck as a human being. Then I obsess about whether or not anyone actually likes me or if the world is only tolerating my existence. Then I just tried to call my therapist. It's 9pm at night, of course she won't pick up (sometimes she DOES but not regularly... I'm allowed to call whenever, but she won't necessarily pick up whenever) ... but now I'm obsessed with the fact that she wouldn't pick up, that she's screening her calls, that she hates me and finds me annoying to deal with as a client...

So of course I feel like crap. I'm anxious. And now my pets officially hate me (which isn't actually completely irrational - I own an aloof bunny and a crotchety old male cat who are NOT good emotional support animals!)

But how do you stop obsessing? How do you put a block on the cycle of thoughts and feelings and junk before you've worked yourself into an emotionally bad place?

I'm not usually like this. But when I am, I call them my "borderline moments" when they get like this. But I have no flipping clue how to make them stop!

Any help? Advice? DBT-centered thoughts? I did a DBT class two years ago but kinda forgot... well, most of it.

(((((everyone)))))))))

Edit: And now on top of everything else -- I'm anxious over my new job, that I started last week. I was goofing off with some of my students today, and now I'm positively convinced that tomorrow I'm going to be in trouble for what I said or did, and will be fired. I didn't do anything BAD, but I'm still convinced I'll get fired for trying to joke around with my students.

Sigh.

[cboxpalace]

Try distracting yourself with something. What has worked for me (and quite well) is responding to threads.. It takes my mind off my issues and I"m able to direct my thoughts onto someone else's issues where I have to think about my response..

That sounds super wordy..

You can try intense exercise, but I don't find that works as well. It's temporary and the thoughts come back when I'm done...

Also, take a look at this for distracting skills. http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/accepts.html

[cboxpalace]

Originally Posted by Christina86

Edit: And now on top of everything else -- I'm anxious over my new job, that I started last week. I was goofing off with some of my students today, and now I'm positively convinced that tomorrow I'm going to be in trouble for what I said or did, and will be fired. I didn't do anything BAD, but I'm still convinced I'll get fired for trying to joke around with my students.

Sigh.

this would probably be more mindfulness http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/mind_states.html

if you lost your job then it would become radical acceptance which would be a distress tolerance skill..

[Christina86]

If I lose my job, I'll cry. Sigh. I'm taking your advice, thank you

One of the cores of DBT is mindfulness. Focusing on the moment without obsessing about the past or worrying about the future. It's not easy, but it can help. Meditation can be part of that. If the weather is nice outside, attempt to take a mindfulness walk. Focus on your breathing, the cool air on your skin, the muscles in your legs tensing and relaxing with each step, the feel of your clothes as they rub against you, the sound of the birds or the wind. Do not force all the obsessive thoughts down where they'll just return to haunt you. When they enter your mind, acknowledge them, "I'm thinking about my job again" and then try to let it go. You may have to do that many, many times but the goal is to not get frustrated and start worrying about your worrying. The goal is to make the amount of time you obsess a bit less over time.

In addition to that DBT website, there's always the chat here on Saturdays and the Yahoo free DBT class.

By the way....what type of kids are you dealing with? I am a middle school English teacher though I'm not teaching at the moment due to our moving. PM me if you'd like and if I can give some tips I'd be happy to.

[Girl_Interrupted]

You need a dog. Get a small one if you have a small apartment or something. They're great for being there when you're down. Cats are useless.

If you're one of those people who, like me, is stuck with loving aloof, unresponsive beings (cats, that is), go to a pet adoption center and play with the kittens. The staff usually appreciate anyone who will help them interact with the animals. As others have said, distraction is all-important. Work can sometimes bring me out of it , though not always. I also use a combination of DBT tools that sounds ridiculously simple but has helped at times. I take a deep breath, slowly count to three on the exhale, and repeat as many times as necessary until I start to feel calmer. Then I describe what is happening to me in the most neutral language possible. "I'm making a lot of mistakes." "This person keeps interrupting me." This doesn't always work, but when it does, it gives me a little distance and the opportunity to think of reasons for what's happening other than that I'm a terrible incompetent person, etc.

[AngelWolf3]

Thinking of you today at your job...

I understand how you feel completely. This is going to sound silly, probably, but I go to the games forum on here and just go down the list. Usually I am able to distract myself that way, and I have met some pretty fun people there too. I end up looking for silly pictures on the internet and end up thinking about what the next post will be.

Thanks for the post, I am also learning from everyone's responses to your question.

My GP gave me a couple of those quick 10 questions mental health tests when I saw him about major anxiety attacks. He said I scored a little high on the BP test and refered me to a psychiatrist. It took about ten minutes for my psych to rule out BP and suggested ADD (No H, as I'm not hyperactive)

The racing brain/thoughts and low self-esteem are certainly common among us ADDer's. I used to always think I was one mistake away from losing my job, like I over-sold my abilities and would eventually be discovered as a fraud. BP and ADD have a lot of shared symptoms.

As for a little help...
Exercise makes a HUGE difference in my ability to focus, even now that I am taking Adderall. The games here at PC also take my mind of my worries

I hope you find some answers

Originally Posted by Christina86

But how do you stop obsessing? How do you put a block on the cycle of thoughts and feelings and junk before you've worked yourself into an emotionally bad place?

Hey Christina,

I understand about obsessing and the seemingly 'neverending' cycle of negative thoughts. Of course my negative thinking inevitably leads me to question my worth. This is a characteristic of BPD 'black and white' thinking...

Anyway, what I've been doing lately which has seemed to work quite well is definitely what DBT suggests (and what people here are saying), but let tell you what I do.

DBT suggests to distract. They suggest this in the acronym 'ACCEPTS' (Activities, Comparisons, Contributing, Emotions (opposite), Pushing Away , Thoughts, Sensations). Read the descriptions here: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/accepts.html

I have written a 'distraction' list which I keep with me at ALL TIMES. When I feel an overwhelming emotion and get trapped in what seems like a neverending cycle I pick something on the list and DO IT. My list has versatile things that I can do away from home, but my 'at home' list is different. For example my 'away from home list' doesn't have 'take a bath' on it. I have 'at home' things on one side of the paper and 'away from home' on the other.

My list includes some of these things:

-Help someone else / do something nice for someone else-- this has been the most effective for 'getting out of my own head'. At first it feels as if it's nearly impossible to do, but I find it is distracting on my thoughts and makes me also feel a sense of worth. So think of people you could do something nice for or just generally help out whether they've asked or not. Don't have expectations or even expect to be thanked, that's not the point. I could call up a lonely friend and share a laugh, help a neighbour move his couch, help a random person with their groceries, volunteer to do a task for someone that they don't want to do...etc.

-Do an activity I really love to do that absorbs me. I love to play guitar, a lot, once I pick it up I leave myself -- I am focused only on the notes, the feel of it, the sounds, what my fingers are doing, what I need to work on. Do something you LOVE to do. Draw, sing, knit, garden, play a sport, dance around your kitchen, study your stamp collection, cook a great meal and put ALL of your attention into it. Do the best kitchen dancing you've ever done.

-Meditation /prayer- This seems like it would make it worse, but it doesn't. Often sitting quiet helps to achieve Radical Acceptance (accepting my feelings without judgement) Okay, so I'm not a master or even close to 'getting' it , but I find that sitting quietly and really breathing, letting my thoughts and feelings drift past, when I get 'stuck' on something, go back to breathing...be gentle, just breathe...it helps, it does. The hardest part is sitting down and doing it.

-Spoil myself. This helps my self worth and is distracting, I enjoy to groom myself...style my hair, give myself a foot massage with soothing lotion, hot baths etc.. You can do something nice for yourself to show you you're worth it and to feel good. Make yourself a homemade strawberry smoothie, dress up really nice and take yourself to the movies, rent movies get in pj's and watch them in your blankets on the couch with popcorn, buy or pick yourself some flowers, write a nice letter to yourself as you would a good friend. It sounds lonely, but I am slowly learning to enjoy my own company which is the start of validating myself.

Maybe these suggestions will help, but I definitely recommend distracting, relaxing , accepting. If something doesn't feel good, don't do it, the point is to distract your mind..what gets you out of the cycle (even just for a little bit). Eventually with these skills we build up our resilience to stressful and negative thoughts and build coping skills that are easier to apply later on.

I don't claim to do these effectively all the time, and I am just learning. I still struggle and sit in my thoughts and feelings, but I do find the more I do it, the easier it is getting.

[i'm trying]

Hi there Christina , making a list of the things that you LIKE to do is a great start. Even starting to make that list would be a good distraction. If possible try and get outside somewhere to do it- it might help you remember next time you get invading thoughts " that was a good feeling all that fresh air out there, when i was making my list, i was in a good place for a while - now where did i put it ? i'd like to see what i wrote down"

There you have it , you might then say! "I just distracted myself , good on me" congratulations !!

Cheers

[BrokenNBeautiful]

The thought of "finding meaning" in the DBT site just came to mind as I read your post.

It really s*cks, thinking those thoughts.

I go thru it again and again and again!

I have been learning, in Alanon (which talks much about "detachment") that others' issues are not my problem, unless they themselves bring them to my attention. If someone has an issue with me, they need to tell me. I can't keep hurting myself (I am still learning as well; painfully, too) with these thoughts anymore; they will destroy me.

And this "finding meaning" thing: Feeling rejected, feeling abandoned, has taught me (forced me!) to learn to pay attention to myself and not focus so much on what others think of me. Forced me to see myself as an individual, me, myself. Not simply an extension of other people.

I too feel like I only deserve to be "tolerated". G*d, I grew up feeling that way because my aunt tolerated me. I feel that my roommate tolerates me. My former bf is still my friend and I am grasping the idea that I am not just some worn out romantic thing to him; he actually likes me. But that is a foreign idea to me, still.

My heart goes out to you and anyone who struggles with this.

Carol

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Christina )))))))))))))))

[Christina86]

Y'know, I forgot I had posted this. Strange how my mood swings around like a pendulum.

My job is awesome. The kids are awesome. I was totally irrational, and am in NO such trouble with anyone -- except for myself, ironically as I am my own worst enemy.

Thank you all for replying!! Very helpful to remember all these things when I'm having a freakout, which is happening more often than I'd like!

[sujunew]

[lieba]

i don't actually live in america and it could very well be that here is south africa we give a pill for everything but here certainly a person who is obsessing enough that it intrudes their life is perscribed an anti phychotic. my husband tends to obsess and he is finally on one that is effective. maybe discuss it with your doctor. good luck