I am the problem

My husband and I have an upcoming appointment with my therapist for a session together. We fought tonight about it because he said that he doesn't get anything out of it, its for me and that we won't get better until I get better. Do you all think that is true? We have communication issues and when he asked about how my therapy went I told him we talked about the need for me and him to communicate more and after I tell him that and try to open up to him, he hit me with the "we won't get better until you get better" thing. I have been really trying, but it is so hard. No matter how hard I try I always screw up.
Am I the issue in all of my problems?

That's a tough Q for me to answer.

I would say that you had the same issues before you two married. Is he THAT frustrated with you, that he isn't willing to work to improve the marriage that you both are part of ? I hope not. My ex-hub had that perspective after many years and endless problems. But, that's supposedly "life" isn't it??

Gentle hugs to you. I hope that you are able to get your hub to see that he does play a part in the marriage as well. It's best if you both go towards things from the same angle, rather than simply hoping to meet in the end!

Marriage is a two way street and Shez is right; the BPD existed before your marriage. Like it or not, it's who you are. He has to be willing to accept you for who you are and work on the marriage with you. Granted we put a lot of unnecessary stress on a marriage, but marriage is STILL a two-way street, and both parties are both responsible for it and should work on it....together.

Hi. I have not followed any of your posts so I may not be quite on mark here. But I will tell you what is going on w/ me because it sounds very similar.

My H and I go together to T. He says he's only going for me and goes because he wants me to get better. But the issues involve him and how it leads me to have problems. Its all my fault, I'm the problem and I'm the crazy according to him. Every few weeks things go way bad and the T steps all over his toes and he gets angry because the T is trying to make things about him when they should be about me or at the least about us. He claims no responsibility for things. Even though he says he is not responsible for the way I feel, he is learning. He will never admit it. The T says thats ok. If it is sinking in and he knows it, he doesn't have to admit it to anyone. He's learning and continues to come because he is interested in whats going on and is learning things about himself. It's not important that he admits it's helping as long as it really is.

Is it anything like this for you?

Don't be too hard on yourself.

In my experience, mental illnesses, addictions, bpd, etc. do affect both parties. A marriage has to take 2, not just the one. And sometimes one of us is also bpd or has another issue that might affect the other person.

It's not just about us; my husband was not willing to work on it either; he just got angry and we got a divorce. He told me, too, that I was the messed up one.

He was also very unstable.

I believe that counseling can help both ppl.

I don't think it will get better unless both ppl work on it.

Just my own thoughts. take them or leave them' it's okay.

Carol

I definitely feel that counselling will help on both sides of the street. If your problem is communication it can help you communicate and validate one another. A counsellor can act as a mediator and can help the relationship , especially if you have things you don't want to talk about 'alone' considering it could be the perfect setup for misunderstanding. Also, a third objective party can help your partner understand that indeed you suffer from mental illness and you're willing to work toward change and growth.

In my experience, it is the BPD that causes most of the problems in my relationship, it creates walls in communication, misunderstanding, distorted perceptions, imagined fears, attachment issues etc. I would recommend that you also go to individual counselling or join a DBT group to work on yourself as well. Don't go blaming the relationship or your partner for problems, but also don't go blaming yourself...you are NOT your disorder...it could be the disorder causing problems, but that doesn't define YOU. Be gentle and patient with yourself and your partner.

ALso, DBT offers skills to teach us how to communicate and work with others more effectively (read about interpersonal effectiveness --one of the four key modules in DBT).

www.dbtselfhelp.com

Best wishes to you and your relationship.