emo vomit- no need to read this

i guess i need to practice my dbt skills now instead of sitting here wallowing in my own self hatred. I just cant seem to do anything. I am siting here on the couch just crying and have been for over an hour. OK, crying and typing.

I was at my limit of handling problems and life threw two more at me, not huge ones, but not tiny problems either. So, now I am overwhelmed with it all and feeling like it doesn't matter what I do or what I want because my life is f'ked up no matter what.

That is an accurate statment to some exent. my life is f'ked up b/c of BPD and other illnesses. and because of my own mismanagment. I really jusy want to give up right now. I am not being skillful at all. I need to stop crying and figure out which skill I want to use from my DBT toolbox so I can get through this.

I have a therapy appt tomorrow, as it happens, so that should help, if I do not get myself together before then.

I am posting all of this emotional vomit here because I need to get it out of my system. I feel like I will explode with hopelessness if I don't just get it out.

I can also go get my meds tomorrow, when I go to therapy, providing my ride shows up tomorrow.

I am sssooo tired of hurting. Have had a headache for three days now. Back has been hurting for about two weeks and my "normal" fibro pain has gotten a little worse because of the cold weather setting in. So, physically I am not great either.

Just so tired of coping. I feel like I have no more energy to put into the fight.

Feel guilty about feeling self pity as so many people have things much worse, like those who lost everything due to Sandy and who are living on the streets in the bitter cold. They do not have the option of sitting on their couch crying about their woes, like I do. They no longer have a couch or a even a house. I guess I could feel grateful that I have not been effected by Sandy.

I have a roof over my head and I have heat and running water and internet access and electricity and toilet paper and a few people on he planet who love me. I have a God who loves me. I have dogs who love me and who try to comfort me.

I have a really good therapist, for the first time in my life and a tolerant pdoc. I have resources here at PC and other online help available. I am safe, at least for now. I may be sturggling with poverty and illness and life, but I do have things to be grateful for. Now if I just could manage to feel gratitude.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I think that if humans in general and me in particular would take time to feel grateful for what we have, many of our pain causing problems would seem much smaller, thus minimizing our pain. I wish I could practice that. Maybe I will get there one day.

I HATE me. I HATE that I cause so many problems for myself and I HATE that I cannot get my life in order enough so that other problems are not just dumped on me. I HATE that I feel victimized so much of the time. I HATE that I allow me to be victimized. I HATE who I am and I HATE that I feel powerless to become somone else.

Thankfully, I am older now. The worst has already happened. I am genuinely grateful that the worst is over. I am genuinely grateful that more than half my life is over. I am grateful that I only have to endure for a little while longer. Odds are good that I will die earlier than most because of my health issues. Even if I live an "average" life span, most of my life is over. Thank God for that.

I am concerned abou the after life, but I know that God is merciful and I know in whom I have believed, so I should finally be OK when I die. I am concerned that all of my issues with anger at God will interfere with my salvation. But it is what it is. I can only trust that God understands.

Anyone need a bucket of sand to clean up the emo vomit?

Feel guilty for posting here , but I am doing what I need to do. If you bothered to read this far, you deserve a medal... and a therapy session. This is all just blathering and none of you need to hear any of this. I am sorry for posting this, yet even as I regret it, I NEEd someone to know how much agony I am in.

Tears just conintue to flow for me. For pitiful pain-filled me. i am so f'king useless. Why did God bother to create me? The only reason I can think of is to give birth to my children. They now have children too and all those people would not be here if I had no been born.

Most of them are grateful to eb alive, although I cannot say for sure they are happy. Several of them are highly functioning people, despite who their parents were. You see, God really is merciful. He does answer prayer. Divine intervention is the only way that my children could have made it into being productive adulthood and relatively good parenting themselves. I am so proud of them and I know that at least on of them also suffers from BPD, the rest of them seem to be OK.

Tired of being in pain. tired of fighting. tired tired tired tired tired tired

I need to get off this ride!

God PLEASE take me out soon. protect my children and grandchildren from evila ndharm and let me go in peace. PLEASE.

that is one prayer i have prayed for decades and He has not answered. He probably wont answer it this time either. I do trust His wisdom. I am jsut so tired.

and I hurt so much.

Coping with life's major issues is so exhausting, it leaves nothing for all the rest that mere living requires. I'm older too, much closer to the end of my life than any other marker. Right now a lot of my physical problems are hitting all at once, & I did have a day when I wanted it all to just end now ... both of my parents went quickly, why not me? I've had those days before.

I'm sorry you're holding so much pain. Your measure may be more than mine, IDK--but I do know the feeling at this point in life of not having options ... of knowing some of this you brought on yourself ... of being at a point of no return.

I'm glad you posted, because I'm sure you'll find many can respond with full understanding. There is no consolation to offer, but I understand.

Roadie

Thank you for caring. I appreciate you responding. thank you.

I can also feel and understand your pain. I "get it", not that I can offer solutions either. Find a bit of consolation that there are others who understand and are suffering alongside you. I haven't posted much on here lately....I have a bad tendency of taking in others problems and turning them in to my own, but I did want you to know that I did read your post and that I do understand. You deserve to know at least that much.

Dear MDDBPDPTSD,

Wait! Please. You are not alone!

The horrific pain that you are feeling at this very moment is shared by so many of us here. You are not calling into the dark woods, where wolf and owl stare, unmoved by your cries. You are not lunching with friends that have no way of understanding the true and terrible torture that you are feeling now. Even through their sympathy, it is impossible that they have empathy. Empathy requires some understanding or way in which to compare your feelings from something familiar to ones they have experienced before. The symptoms of this disorder, so painful...so unique is the ride that you and I and many standing here with us, reading our words endure, that unless you are afflicted with BPD, there is no way to relate.

Luckily you do not stand in the dark woods, and are not now having lunch with well-meaning friends. You are, at this moment surrounded by an army of troops that feel and experience all that you do. An army of people that when asked, or hear and recognize the cry of distress that can only come from one that truly suffers, will stop whatever they are doing, and come to check on you and remind you that this terrible night will pass. You will be changed by morning. Maybe not wholly well, but this slicing pain will have passed.

It is the only blessing of BPD....that these stingingly-raw expressions of pain are temporary in the extreme state. You must do what you know to do. Curl yourself tightly into that fetal position that protects perfectly the BPD sufferer from the agony growing any larger, and wait. Hold tightly,close your eyes, rock if it helps, but wait. God may bless you with sleep to ride out the rest, but is that is not your fortune this evening then please to remember this,...Optimism and pessimism are opposite sides of the same coin. A glass cannot be half-empty, without, as well, being half-full. yin-yang does not exist without the partners, and a loving merciful God, as you described does not curse flinging pain wildly. Perhaps there will never be an explanation as to why we were thought to possess such strength that He trusted us to bear this weight. Men many times our strength would be knocked to their knees attempting to endure what God believes us to have the strength to handle.

And MDDBPDPTSD, as for your children, the love you have is pure and clear in your writing. Would you not bear any weight asked of you to save them? I heard you counting your blessings within you S.O.S.. You are an empathetic person. Do you imagine there being one parent in any hospital across earth that would not quickly and readily take the burden from your center and swallow it as their own, if it meant that their dear child would suffer no more, grow healthy, and survive.

When thought of in that way, for myself, BPD is a blessing that I will bear in hopes that one day my suffering is in God's eye, a payment that will spare a greater pain in the future.

Try to sleep now, we will watch over you,

-Fleeing Bellocq, Muse of the Mission District

It is so hard. I can empathise totally and I have no answers. But hugs to you.

Thank you for expressing the collison of physical and emotional pain, and the brave determination to be grateful for what you have, so eloquently. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Thinking of you.

Thank you for posting. I am glad you were able to get it out here, and there are many who understand. I think that seeing the good in your life through all the vomit did good for me because it helped me to see that I too have these things despite all the not good. I don't have any words of comfort, but thank you just the same.
Thinking of you today...

Got back from my therapy session. Very intense, but constructive session. I have a plan on how to handle me and life more effectively. Of course, the plan involves practicing some of the things I already know.
But I have some hope that I can be OK enough for another little while now. Thank you all for your help in getting through this yucky time. Your responses were thoughtful and helpful. Thank you again. Some days are just really yucky. Maybe today won't be one of them.

I am glad you talked to us.

Never be afraid to "vomit"; I've got a bucket for you and for anyone here who needs it.

This bpd makes me sick and makes me throw up (emotionally) just got thru posting how frustrated I am with my uncle. My feelings aren't facts. I am grateful for what I have with him even though I feel disappointed in him.

You had a couch to cry on, you were still in pain. I validate your pain. I am also happy for you that you have people to talk to like your t and your pdoc. I don't even have that. Although I am glad I have my mentor, Ani. A warm place to live NOW, but not sure I will have it after Christmas. Because my uncle is giving us the run around; had been looking forward to him helping us. Oh, well. But I think I have a place now thru December, to live. I really hope my roommate finds a job.

I don't compare ppl's pain. Pain is pain and we all experience it.

I am glad you are okay.

Carol

I agree, it's good to get it out then it doesn't stay trapped in our heads being magnified by our distorted perceptions.

You did something great there thought MDD, you made a gratitude list , to me that says growth. Hang in there, I definitely understand...really, truly...

I also agree with Carol, pain is relative...we only know what we know and we are the ones inside of it...we only see the world through our eyes and our minds, our pain is like no others. Your pain is valid. I find often if we push it away we're reinforcing our belief that it is invalid...this is not the case. You are valid , your pain is too.
I get it.
Feel free to open up and vent, there is nothing but love and support here.

Much love your way.