[Lonely46]

I have been diagnosed with multiple problems, from BPD to Bipolar 2 to PTSD, plus a whole variety of physical problems. The BPD gets me the most though. I cannot control my emotions anymore. I am one of the few men who have it. I am 46 and it's getting worse, not better like it's supposed to, with age. For the first time I will be spending Christmas alone, in a hotel, waiting to move yet again. I am physically and emotionally drained and not a day goes by that I don't shed a tear. I never used to cry, now it's daily. All I focus on is suicide to make the pain go away. I have had 3 serious overdoses in the past year. It's so bad that in January I had pneumonia which turned septic, I had a fifty fifty chance of survival. They saved me and when I regained consciousness four days later and learned what happened, i was upset they saved me. I have two daughters that I try to stick around for, but they deserve a father who isn't constantly depressed.

It is believed that there are as many men with BPD as women...they are just misdiagnosed much more often and their impulsiveness often lands them in jail. You are not the only BPD on this forum...by far. S4, Dubblemonkey, Scorpio Eyes, and Cboxpalace are all men on this forum who are BPD. You're not alone....

Interestingly enough, I am in almost the same position as you lonely. I'm 45, separated, living in an extended stay hotel, only I'm not alone. I have my two boys with me, at least that something. Although it feels like I'm alone, without a companion anymore. The old belief that there were more women than men has been discovered to be likely inaccurate. Most men don't even bother getting a dx and are tagged as something altogether different. They end up in jail not realizing their behaviors are caused by this disorder and never learn to control it at all.

If you're going through a particularly stressful time - being alone during the holidays etc, it's pretty understandable that it's hard to control your emotions. Dont' be too hard on yourself about that, but get into therapy, learn some DBT or other method to cope with your disorder and that's how you get better. It won't go away with age, I'm not sure where people get that idea.

For your daughters, keep that as a motivation to get better, and not check out. I dont' typically get suicidal but I get low enough that if I didn't have my boys to "live for" I can't say for sure how bad I would have gotten. The deserve a dad that loves them, though, regardless of depressed or not, don't beat yourself up for something tht is not in your control at this point. I'm sure you're a great dad.

Hang in there and pm if you need anything.

[Lonely46]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Interestingly enough, I am in almost the same position as you lonely. I'm 45, separated, living in an extended stay hotel, only I'm not alone. I have my two boys with me, at least that something. Although it feels like I'm alone, without a companion anymore. The old belief that there were more women than men has been discovered to be likely inaccurate. Most men don't even bother getting a dx and are tagged as something altogether different. They end up in jail not realizing their behaviors are caused by this disorder and never learn to control it at all.

If you're going through a particularly stressful time - being alone during the holidays etc, it's pretty understandable that it's hard to control your emotions. Dont' be too hard on yourself about that, but get into therapy, learn some DBT or other method to cope with your disorder and that's how you get better. It won't go away with age, I'm not sure where people get that idea.

For your daughters, keep that as a motivation to get better, and not check out. I dont' typically get suicidal but I get low enough that if I didn't have my boys to "live for" I can't say for sure how bad I would have gotten. The deserve a dad that loves them, though, regardless of depressed or not, don't beat yourself up for something tht is not in your control at this point. I'm sure you're a great dad.

Hang in there and pm if you need anything.

Thanks for the advice. I have read some info on bpd that suggests it is supposed to get better with age. You know how the internet is, any doctor can type anything without any proof. All I know is it's much worse. If I had my daughters with me then it would be a lot better. One cares enough to check in on my by text message now and then, the other could care less. I have my Mom and that's it, that's my entire family that I am in contact with. With parents who have been married 9 times between them it makes for a hellish family life. I also have ptsd from a particularly brutal upbringing. I have also been robbed at gunpoint several times. They diagnosed me with Bipolar as well. I don't even care about names of diseases, I am messed up and my psychologist wants to put me in Oregon State Hospital because she fears for my life. In our very first appointment she called the police to take me to the hospital ten minutes into the session. I was that far gone. I am just getting tired of feeling this way everyday, and I know it puts a drain on my Mom and daughter. My wife left as soon as I got sick enough I couldn't work, so much for "for better or worse, in sickness and in health". I will never invest in another relationship like I did in that one. Once I can get past these damned holidays I will feel better. The next few weeks are the key, if I get past that then things will probably look up again. I will be celebrating xmas in my hotel room watching television. Mental illness is tough, because family members arent educated on it and cannot deal with it. I remember how the family made my grandma, who had bipolar, feel like a second class citizen when she was depressed. It was sad, and I am determined I am not going to end up like that. when the doctor told me all the diagnosis over several weeks of studying me I almost hit the floor, I had no idea how messed up I really was. Add to it crippling arthritis, heart disease that needs an operation sooner rather than later, and tremors that require constant medication, and you have a 46 year old going on 100.

I believe that the severity of BPD traits often has to do with circumstances, are situational per se. If you are lucky enough to get in to a long-term steady relationship, have no major financial issues, and your health remains good, your mind learns to cope with most of the traits. That doesn't mean it goes away; it will regularly rear it's ugly little head, but, like anything else, you learn to deal, learn to cope. When problems are thrown at you, however, it reemerges like it never abated at all

I know I've had BPD traits my entire life and they were worst in my late teens and throughout most of my 20's. Then, I got in to a stable relationship (though I drove him insane for 10 years prior), had kids, things settled down, and so it the BPD traits. They would manifest near holidays, came to life when my dad died, and the anxiety and depression never completely went away but I could cope most of the time. I also had no friends but I was okay with that. Lonely, but I could deal with things. Whenever I was presented with a possible "friend", I pushed away hard before anything could develop and the traits could return.

Then, about a year ago, I allowed myself to get involved in a friendship. In less than a week, EVERYTHING reemerged and the problems have not really abated since. I am also your age, by the way. I've been fighting it ever since and coping has been near impossible most of the time.

I'm so sorry for your physical ailments; I'm sure they make a hard situation even worse, but we DO understand. Find a little bit of comfort in that and don't give up the fight.

[Stardusted]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I believe that the severity of BPD traits often has to do with circumstances, are situational per se. If you are lucky enough to get in to a long-term steady relationship, have no major financial issues, and your health remains good, your mind learns to cope with most of the traits. That doesn't mean it goes away; it will regularly rear it's ugly little head, but, like anything else, you learn to deal, learn to cope. When problems are thrown at you, however, it reemerges like it never abated at all

I know I've had BPD traits my entire life and they were worst in my late teens and throughout most of my 20's. Then, I got in to a stable relationship (though I drove him insane for 10 years prior), had kids, things settled down, and so it the BPD traits. They would manifest near holidays, came to life when my dad died, and the anxiety and depression never completely went away but I could cope most of the time. I also had no friends but I was okay with that. Lonely, but I could deal with things. Whenever I was presented with a possible "friend", I pushed away hard before anything could develop and the traits could return.

Then, about a year ago, I allowed myself to get involved in a friendship. In less than a week, EVERYTHING reemerged and the problems have not really abated since. I am also your age, by the way. I've been fighting it ever since and coping has been near impossible most of the time.

I'm so sorry for your physical ailments; I'm sure they make a hard situation even worse, but we DO understand. Find a little bit of comfort in that and don't give up the fight.

The holiday's are so bad for me. We struggle the whole year financially and when the holiday's come there is all this pressure to spend more money, gifts, tips, parties etc. Every year at this time I have a break down.

[Lonely46]

Thanks all for the advice and being straight forward, I appreciate it more than you know. Any major change causes major problems, to the point I end up in a mental ward at a hospital, sometimes after taking a massive overdose of pills. By all accounts, including the doctors who treated me, I should be dead. I figure I am alive for some reason, maybe it's my little granddaughter due May 1st? I think I over analyze everything instead of just living life. I know I need at least one or two good friends in my life. the people I am moving in with are good friends my age who understand I have social mental and physical problems. One good quality I have is I never ever screw over a friend, and will litterally take a bullet for one. My worst quality is i isolate badly and get sad about everything anymore. It's either I feel my kids don't love me anymore, or that my entire family has given up on me. I am afraid to ask for fear of looking even more insane than I already am.