Ok I was just reading on another post about emotions and switching them. i was thinking about how angry I get at things and how badly they leave scars on my friends, loved ones and even myself at times but i thought of something good about my disorder.

In my anger I say things that I wouldn't say at any other time and in the heat of the moment it really feels like I mean them so in a way it's real -- but only temporary. One thing I know even in the midst of my anger (times when I can hold onto a small sense of rationality) That when it subsides, when I calm down, it will all look different again, i'll forget and think everything is hunky dory. Of course on the negative side this can be frustrating to other people since their wounds can be deep and while I'm back to being oblivious they are still hurting. >.< I hate that part.

But something I've told my ex in the past time and time again, no matter what you do to me, nothing is unforgivable and my anger never lasts. one thing that I can say is a positive side of being bpd is the ability to literally forget and move on. it means if you're my friend and have offended me in anyway, you can rest assured that no matter how much anger you see, no matter how much rage spouts out of my mouth, trust me, it will pass and you'll always be forgiven. I'm not sure I can say that about people I know that do not have the quick emotions that I do... but then maybe I'm thinking too much. I do that. a lot.

[greyclouds]

That is so me... I always forgive. I don't always forget..

My friends have hurt me real bad in the past.
But we made a mends. I knew deep down that I could never be with out them forever.
I'm glad I have that ability because they are truely my bestest friends in the world.

They funny thing is that we were only kids at the time but they were jealous of me is what they confessed!!

Of me? Can you believe that... My struggles, me being a single parent? And they were jealous! Go figure.

I do how ever find that people who I don't connect with, if they even just say one thing wrong I can hate them for ever and it's not for anything that's worth hating for. I wish I could let that go.

[roads]

After the anger subsides and you've moved on, do you do any damage-repair with those left hurting? Or are they supposed to understand that's the way you are? I'm asking because I have BPD acquaintances, & I always think they've moved on & forgotten/forgiven--they act that way ... but I sure wish they'd spell it out, since it's a work situation and if I hang on to it could get baaad.

That is true...we forget, the extreme anger fades as quickly as it comes, and we move on. We rarely hold grudges, at least for short term offenses. We get angry, we blow (much harder than most) and we go on. The problem is, others don't understand even if you understand yourself and explain it to them. I have lost at least two friends due to my explosive anger. I did it one time too many to them and they decided it just wasn't worth it anymore...and then you're there, never completely understanding why you've been abandoned or left, the biggest thing that you didn't want to do.

One advantage is that it is kinda good when it comes to chidren. They are easier to understand and explain this to...mom/dad sometimes gets mad really fast but will get over it quickly and they still love you. Children can sometimes get it, it seems adults rarely do.

[greyclouds]

Originally Posted by Roadie

After the anger subsides and you've moved on, do you do any damage-repair with those left hurting? Or are they supposed to understand that's the way you are? I'm asking because I have BPD acquaintances, & I always think they've moved on & forgotten/forgiven--they act that way ... but I sure wish they'd spell it out, since it's a work situation and if I hang on to it could get baaad.

I think it depends on how far and heated it got.
I know for me the closer the people to me the nastier my mouth is.
How ever this applies to more family members.
My friends I just cut right off.
The next day I can never be more sorry. And it does take time. They do slowly forgive me. Soaking in my own guilt and shame.
Not really sure I've answered your question!! Sorry of it was no help what's so ever.

Originally Posted by Roadie

After the anger subsides and you've moved on, do you do any damage-repair with those left hurting? Or are they supposed to understand that's the way you are? I'm asking because I have BPD acquaintances, & I always think they've moved on & forgotten/forgiven--they act that way ... but I sure wish they'd spell it out, since it's a work situation and if I hang on to it could get baaad.

unfortunately that's a downfall of mine more often than not. i've been accused of acting like nothing happened after the anger subsides and if I dont' remain conscious of my actions it can cause further hurting and frustration in my loved ones. it is something that I need to be aware of at all times and make an effort to do.

Originally Posted by Maranara

That is true...we forget, the extreme anger fades as quickly as it comes, and we move on. We rarely hold grudges, at least for short term offenses. We get angry, we blow (much harder than most) and we go on. The problem is, others don't understand even if you understand yourself and explain it to them. I have lost at least two friends due to my explosive anger. I did it one time too many to them and they decided it just wasn't worth it anymore...and then you're there, never completely understanding why you've been abandoned or left, the biggest thing that you didn't want to do.

One advantage is that it is kinda good when it comes to chidren. They are easier to understand and explain this to...mom/dad sometimes gets mad really fast but will get over it quickly and they still love you. Children can sometimes get it, it seems adults rarely do.

Exactly we move on and we leave people baffled, angry and resentful if we do nothing to follow up which many times we are obliviously hunky dory afterward and we just forget to even do anything to make amends. And our anger can be volatile and toxic things i can't imagine doing or saying in more balanced moods, i do. Like being another person altogether. I've been likened to that before too - being another person entirely when angry.

S4, and Roadie,

A gentleman wrote to me, about a month ago seeking advice about BPD and how he could help his girlfriend, and himself. My response included this description, of what I believe, we with BPD, go through during each of our 'rage-events.' It is almost impossible for the parent, or partner of someone with BPD , to conceive of the enormity of the pain we experience. Neither of you, may have reason to read this, but S4, if you will allow me to hijack your thread, I do believe, that there may be some insight for those without our condition, to grasp onto, and perhaps seek shelter within, before they are again taken through the storm of BPD's fury.

If you please.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BPD and the 'Rage-Cycle'

What cycling is, for the sufferer I can only explain from my center, in the primitive words of my childhood. Your girlfriends description may sound very different, as she will insert her own words, that she has used to interpret the experience based upon the age she developed the disorder. I did recently reply to a fifteen year old girl, that had just been diagnosed, and wanted to know what was happening and what may happen, and attempted to alter my description, so perhaps I will use that for you now.

There is no rhyme, time, or reason as to why most cycles begin. Something happens, although it does not even necessarily relate to the conversation being had at the time, or the event being experienced, or it may be a direct result to one of these things. My point is, your girlfriend will blame and believe the anger she is experiencing has been caused by an external source, mainly you, if you are the one with her, but regardless, ultimately you, or any other close to her will receive the full blow of her uncontrollable furry.

I do mean uncontrollable, until she has been taught, exactly as you would handle a toddler throwing a tantrum, an unconscious teaching, to not behave in this manner toward you. Learning to treat you differently will not carry over to anyone else. Each individual that wishes to not receive the wrath of a BPD rage-fest will have to do this exact thing with her, or continue to be abused by her during this blind-mood she is tormented by.

The cycle is triggered somehow and you will recognize much of my description, although I will add what you can not see, and more than likely, what she can not say. Everything is fine, and in an instant it is as if a band snaps, and what was absolutely benign has turned into a complete and massive malignant takeover of the afflicted’s body, mind, expressions, voice, all parts of a person, tuning them into one who’s being has been invaded by a nefarious source consuming all aspects of the person that you know and love.

The best way that I know to describe a cycle, and even this does not explain well, the true torture that your girlfriend goes through internally each cyclical event, is that of a person standing exposed at the edge of a massive hurricane. One second she can stand firmly and confidently on the ground and within an instant she finds herself ripped from reality and thrown about internally so violently, as to lose all ability to form rational thought, control of physical actions, including the self-control of what comes from her mouth in filthy , hateful dialogue, and the absolute, concrete inability to stop, what deep inside her she knows is wrong, the spewing and spitting of acidic, vile hate focused entirely upon you.

This is happening, and this is what you are witnessing, but what you do not see and she can not bring forward in anyway at this part of the ‘cycle’ is that at the very same time that this is going on, there is another, the real ‘self’ of her bearing witness to this 'being' that has taken over her body, with an even greater horror at what she has become, than you are receiving from an external source. This horror, and self-hatred for what she, the good and kind, sane part of herself, experiences, is what will cause all of the self-injury, eating disorders, suicidal-ideation or true intent and constant internal diatribe against herself, repeating in endless succession that she is flawed, she is bad, she should experience pain, she is unlovable.... These self-flagellations are endless and completely justified in her mind, even though the truth is that she has an actual mental Tourette’s syndrome, that is as real, and as out of her ability to control, as if she were to suffer from Parkinson’s, MS, or even that of a quadriplegic.

BPD is not called the “I hate you, Don’t leave me!” disorder for reason, not. While your girlfriend is in full rage, there is inside of her that girl I spoke of screaming, internally with the same intensity, “I need help! I can’t stop! Please love me! don’t leave me!” It is the most helpless feeling imaginable, like watching a school bus stall on train tracks moments before the train reaches the intersection. She must watch, and experience this kind of emotion over and over in her life, and even when it is not actually happening at the moment, she still suffers the traumatic stress of the past events. In fact, The new DSM that is published every ten years is set to be released in March or May, I can’t remember which, of 2013. The BPD condition and name is are being changed to a subset or variation of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

As a side note to you, although you may be aware of this fact, a majority of people with the disorder have had some form of childhood abuse, most commonly sexual in nature, but physical, emotional, or childhood neglect are all reported, as well. The likelihood that she has this in her background is almost certain, and just something for you to be aware of, in the event that you are not. This is where many of the “triggers” that begin the rage-cycle stem from, which is why they can seemingly come out of nowhere, as a certain smell, or way in which the sunlight falls into a window, can remind an abuse victim of an assault, and how would this ever be prevented or understood?

After the most severe rage has spent itself and finished cycling through, the person with BPD then enters a denial stage, in which they just want the entire event to be forgotten and forgiven and as quickly as possible, return back to normal, and request from all around, that they too, as quickly adjust themselves back to where they were emotionally, before the event occurred. I am sure that you are all to aware of this demand placed upon you, and when it is, you are left with your mouth hanging incredulously and the acronym “W.T.F.” blazing in your mind.

Your girlfriend is not unaware of the pain she has inflicted, but instead is so completely tormented by her inability to have contained it, thus causing such emotional destruction to you and herself and your relationship, and having just physically experienced such an enormous amount of stress and fear, that can absolutely be measured medically, that she can not begin, to process, explain, or apologize for her actions, and after so many of these exact cycles have happened, how does one offer another seemingly insincere apology? She is left ultimately with just another thing to torment herself with causing even greater emotional scarring.

After the “cant we just forget the whole thing?” part of the cycle has run its course she will now enter the part of the cycle where the hurricane’s winds have subsided to almost a breeze, and now the depression and neediness will begin. This is the time in which she will apologize and look for assurances from you that she is still loved and that you are not going to leave her. Very often this is the longest part of the cycle, not stopping until from absolute exhaustion, she falls asleep, or there is a major distraction as a work school or social commitment, to break the bond of approval seeking.

The last phase of the cycle, I consider to be that of the eye of the hurricane. The eye may be a small offering- a day or two reprieve betweens rage-cycles or it may be large granting a week or more of peace before the next event, but the reason that I compare this section to a hurricane is that the one certainty, at least at this point, for your girlfriend is that at some point the back half of the hurricane’s wall will come and she, and any loved one near her, will be swept up tossed and battered into its unmerciful raging winds again.

Believe in, or not, my entire response was at least twice this long, and covered a wider course into BPD than simply the 'rage-cycle', but as a person, that has BPD documented since birth, it was a living hell, before an understanding was adopted by certain family members, that what I was doing was out of my control, and not the spoiled tantrum of an over coddled child.

-Fleeing Bellocq

Originally Posted by fleeingbellocq

...BPD is not called the “I hate you, Don’t leave me!” disorder for reason, not. While your girlfriend is in full rage, there is inside of her that girl I spoke of screaming, internally with the same intensity, “I need help! I can’t stop! Please love me! don’t leave me!” It is the most helpless feeling imaginable....

Your entire post was so eloquent and very accurate. The above section struck me the strongest so much so I can conjure up moments in my life where I felt every bit like you describe.

So painful.

Thank you Fleeing... (((fleeing)))

[Bamboo_RedPanda]

@fleeingbellocq I read your entire post and just started crying. I'm not diagnosed with bpd, or anything at the moment, but when i read that I realized how it sounds exactly like me. Suddenly raging over something, unable to control it, then just shutting down. I know I was being uncontrollable, but I never apologize because I know it will happen again. And often when I am saying these cruel, hurtful things I can see that I'm also wishing that they'd stop me and comfort me because I'm not going to stop myself. But I guess they're usually so in shock that they don't even think about doing that. Thank you for the post.

Originally Posted by Bamboo_RedPanda

@fleeingbellocq I read your entire post and just started crying. I'm not diagnosed with bpd, or anything at the moment, but when i read that I realized how it sounds exactly like me. Suddenly raging over something, unable to control it, then just shutting down. I know I was being uncontrollable, but I never apologize because I know it will happen again. And often when I am saying these cruel, hurtful things I can see that I'm also wishing that they'd stop me and comfort me because I'm not going to stop myself. But I guess they're usually so in shock that they don't even think about doing that. Thank you for the post.

*GIANT [PANDA] BEARHUGS* To you...
sent you a pm too~