Sinking into

greyclouds · Jan 18, 2013, 02:48 AM

The pushing away episode. I've finally met someone I really like. But stupid insecure feelings.. Are starting to take there toll.
I don't want to discuss them with him as there stupid and there mine.
So what am I doing pushing him away. Shutting him out.
Not letting him touch me
Fake laughing to show I'm happy with him. Which I am just not my feelings.
I not even sure what I feel.
I feel crap. Disgusting. Scared. Lonely.
Grrr help me lose this feeling please. I don't want to push him away.

Jan 18, 2013, 03:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by greyclouds

The pushing away episode. I've finally met someone I really like. But stupid insecure feelings.. Are starting to take there toll.
I don't want to discuss them with him as there stupid and there mine.
So what am I doing pushing him away. Shutting him out.
Not letting him touch me
Fake laughing to show I'm happy with him. Which I am just not my feelings.
I not even sure what I feel.
I feel crap. Disgusting. Scared. Lonely.
Grrr help me lose this feeling please. I don't want to push him away.

I think honestly, if you can do it.. get yourself to tell him a little about what you're feeling. I mean don't go into too much detail. The thing is, if you keep it inside you'll keep pushing and getting scared. Let him have the chance to give you some security!

I mean don't go into a full blown explanation about bpd and stuff just let him know where your insecurities lie and let him know without putting the pressure on him as if he's doing anything wrong.

That's just my thought

*hugs* I hope this works out for you hun.
~s4

greyclouds · Jan 18, 2013, 03:47 AM

Thanks s4. It makes a lot of sense to do so...
But I know with myself once I start talking, if it doesn't make sense I then tell a little more. Till it all comes out.
It's like verbal vomit!!
Then I would lose him. My fears are also that if I tell him I feel a little insecure. That will be like given him a weapon to control me.
( not that I believe his like that or that he has gave me a reason to think this way)
But this is how I feel about any new person in my life. I don't want to feel that but I don't know how to control it.

I guess that's why I only have my friends I made when at school.

In group they tell us to accept are feeling and then let it go to one side. Well I'm pushing and it ain't budging.
I don't want to start making issues this early on in to our relationship.
As if it was on the other foot id run a mile.
But again I've only ever had bad experiences with bf being insecure.

Well this is complicated!! Excuse me I just going to step off this roll coaster for a minute. Feel a bit sick.

Jan 18, 2013, 09:39 AM

Are you doing DBT or anything. Right now, the free class on Yahoo is going through interpersonal interaction. If you, Greyclouds, or anyone else is interested, PM me and I'll copy and paste it. It won't be a cure, but it may give you a few things to think about that may make it slightly easier.

greyclouds · Jan 18, 2013, 09:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maranara

Are you doing DBT or anything. Right now, the free class on Yahoo is going through interpersonal interaction. If you, Greyclouds, or anyone else is interested, PM me and I'll copy and paste it. It won't be a cure, but it may give you a few things to think about that may make it slightly easier.

I'm doing skills for life at the mo. but only had 2 sessions cos of the Xmas period and then our first one back was canceled

That would be really good thank you

NYCDoglvr · Jan 18, 2013, 01:06 PM

Quote:

Grrr help me lose this feeling please.

The best way to stop feeling that way is therapy, which has a very high success rate with BPD. In the short time it may help to take a look at your psychic abilities .... when I did that I realized I was 100% wrong, which helped me not to take my thoughts too seriously.

greyclouds · Jan 18, 2013, 01:10 PM

I am doing skills for life but only early days, they will then move move me to dbt.
It will take time. I willing to fight

Jan 18, 2013, 01:11 PM

For you...

Sinking into

shezbut · Jan 18, 2013, 01:29 PM

Have you tried letting your bf into your circle in small dosages? Slowly peeling the layers on top of yourself off? Does he know any of the issues that haunt you, or is it all secrets that you hold inside of yourself?

I can relate to not letting you bf get too close ~ kind of like dangling a carrot in front of him, to keep him interested enough to hold on. I have done that same thing for a very long time. The guilt and shame on that issue tears me up inside, as I feel like a complete B!

Do try to let your bf in on some of the things that you're struggling with (not all at once). You could start by saying that you've been through a lot, and that you're working on getting past these issues. Later on, you may feel more safe, and you may decide to share the fact that you tend to push those that your truly care for away (in fear that they'll push you away & you are afraid of being pushed away again). And so on. Little by little, let your bf inside.

Hugs and best wishes sent your way...

greyclouds · Jan 18, 2013, 01:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shezbut

Have you tried letting your bf into your circle in small dosages? Slowly peeling the layers on top of yourself off? Does he know any of the issues that haunt you, or is it all secrets that you hold inside of yourself?

I can relate to not letting you bf get too close ~ kind of like dangling a carrot in front of him, to keep him interested enough to hold on. I have done that same thing for a very long time. The guilt and shame on that issue tears me up inside, as I feel like a complete B!

Do try to let your bf in on some of the things that you're struggling with (not all at once). You could start by saying that you've been through a lot, and that you're working on getting past these issues. Later on, you may feel more safe, and you may decide to share the fact that you tend to push those that your truly care for away (in fear that they'll push you away & you are afraid of being pushed away again). And so on. Little by little, let your bf inside.

Hugs and best wishes sent your way...

Yes I've said that I've not really been in a good relationship but not in details.

But he went to make some stupid joke the other night. About something on tv and I told him that my first boyfriend at 15 use to beat me up and emotionally abuse me. He tried to find out more but I cut him off I want ready to share all the details with him .

I have thought about telling him about my BPD and that I getting help. But yeah I'm to scared he push me away first