the real issue...(dealing with my roommate)

My roommate told me he was going out to see his friend.

I joked about it a moment ago.

But it's not so funny right now.

I love my sense of humor...gets me out of a lot of s***.

Anyway, my mentor and i were talking just now and he said to me, "Carol, it's not about where he goes; it's not about he hangs out with that guy you can't stand; he just doesn't take you anywhere anymore. You told me you're afraid he doesn't want to be around you, except just for practical purposes. But, admit it, Carol, come on, you miss getting together with him."

And I do.

I love it that Ani, my mentor takes me to a meeting at the alano club every day and makes sure I am okay and not lonely and that I am spiritually fit, BUT...I do miss how Bruce my roommate used to drive me around and take me out to eat and to the movies and stuff. He, Bruce, tells me it's about money. I don't think so. He spends money on his friend, but does not spend it even on himself to buy a lousy hamburger with me.

I am grateful for what I have. I am.

But I lost something. Bruce never takes me anywhere for fun anymore and his excuse is "money" or "I have too much to do". But he either lies around or he goes places and hardly ever invites me along anymore.

I am not sure if I am outgrowing my emotional dependency on Bruce or if he just hates being around me and we never get together anymore.

I hope I am outgrowing him.

I hate bpd and how it keeps messing with me.

Also, I still don't get the support I need sometimes and still don't know how to ask for it. I still think I just stink and ppl just hate me or should hate me.

I have a new person I hang out with now. He says he "enjoys my company" and I keep questioning how he "enjoys it".

I want to eff that up, too. I want to avoid the "inevitable" pain of him eventually getting as "sick of me" as "everyone else does".

I am quoting these words cause I know that it's probably just my bpd acting up again.

Even if it's true and I really am undesirable, I just can't afford to feel so much that way now that it keeps governing my life.

If I really am messed up and undesirable, I pray I can deal with that and really begin to be able to be a decent person and then earn the love I would like to finally have before I die.

And I want to say, too, this board has really validated me by just talking about their own struggles.

Carol

Carol,

I do love to see that you used the quotes because you see what may be going on.

You are winning.

I am glad i got at least one reply.

But I don't feel very good about getting only one reply.

I feel very unpopular right now.

Why do I only get one or two replies now?

Is there something I need to work on that will get more responses or is it just a fluke, or do ppl have trouble following my posts?

I need another reality check.

Sorry.

What's going on?

I feel like I need some reassurance again.

Also, my bpd is messing with me and saying, "you shouldn't have to ask anyone for acknowledgement. If ppl really liked you or got something out of your posts, they would respond naturally. They just aren't saying anything to you cause they have nothing nice to say to you."

This is just what's going thru me. I could use more responses. I really hope it's just my bpd and not something here.

I do appreciate your response, shlump and also the hugs and the thanks's.

I don't know what I am doing wrong, except being needy again with this reply.

Like some ppl on here, I do need some reassurance. My bpd will still mess with me.

I am sorry if I am not asking the right way.

thanks,

Carol

Something just crossed my mind, too.

Is my not being in therapy an issue with the people here?

Trying to recover on my own?

Are people having trouble relating to me because of that?

Maybe I am too cerebral or "bookish" lol and not feeling enough? Idk...

Maybe I am intimidating?

((((Carol)))))

I think a lot of us are struggling to put two words together atm but I also understand how you feel when you hardly get any replies to posts, I have felt like this too, Believe me it has nothing to do with not being in therapy.

I can reassure you that I want you too keep posting, I am sorry that you feel this way BPD sucks eh? I get angry with it most days.

I have no answers to your original post Carol but I have read and I do care, I am sorry that it took me so long to read and reply

(((((BrokennBeautiful))))

Many Hugs to you
I don't think it is that no one has nothing nice to say to you,
I think what Buttercup has said, some times people are not sure what to say- or how to go about with giving advice.

This situation with your room mate and you, sounds like a growing point for you.
Have you two had a serious sit down talk? I don't know if that would help at all, but at least it may get some questions you are asking here out to him- the source to which they are aimed for (right?)

Spaces with a friendship is hard on anyone, and can be more of a struggle for others. (I had difficult time with one friend, and the overwhelming of "I am being left again" came through and it was hard--- but it does work out, some how some way--)

I can so hear you on the not being in therapy thing (I tend to say that to myself- I am taking a route less traveled so it is unwanted)- But in honesty-- PC is a great place.... I think a lot of people like to try to help each other and encourage one another, weather that be in psychotherapy OR you Doing Therapy on your own.

Many hugs and well thoughts your way- Reminders to be kind to yourself

I appreciate this buttercup.

I need to know this. I did know, but as a feeling human being, I appreciate hearing it from outside myself.

It's hard to know what to say.

Carol

I also appreciate this. I am not sure how to approach my roommate. I have been disengaging from him over the past few years now because he has made it clear without saying too many words that he does not really feel like spending time with me, except "I can handle you in small bites" (what he said to me after my aunt died---ouch) After that I did not feel like talking to him or hugging him.

Then he tells me that he likes animals more than ppl---over the years, he's told me I was abusive and loud and "talked too much", so I don't feel I even deserve his time with me.

I have been very apologetic to him about all this and have tried to modify my behavior around him and only act sunny and happy and funny and when he seems to be stonewalling me again, I just walk away.

today I saw him acting lovey toward his cat, the way he used to be lovey toward me and thank goodness, Ani (mentor) has advised me to walk away when I am feeling hurt or needy again.

thanks,

Carol