Are "Daddy issues" common?

Hi, I'm new to this site and I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It makes sense to me, but it doesn't really help and I am still looking for answers. I have a question though that I hope someone might be able to help me answer. Also, please don't judge me... :/
You see, my boyfriend recently broke up with me and it's been very, very hard. I looked up to him in sooo many ways. Generally, I saw him as a parent though and I would even call him "daddy." He made me feel protected and loved and whole inside but whenever he left I felt very anxious and would cling to him when he got back. He went along with the whole "daddy"issues thing and he even called me his "little girl." So him breaking up with me was hard. We both had issues and he enforced mine. I know this all sounds very strange, but I don't get it either. I still feel the same way about guys in that I want to find someone to be like a father to me. Growing up, my father was abusive so that may be why. But is this a normal thought process in bpd? Is it common is this disorder to treat your partner like a parent?

Hi foreverdeadinside, welcome to Psych Central!

Would it be OK if we thought of you as "temporarilydeadinside" instead? What if we didn't tell you when we were actually thinking that?
Does it matter that much how common it is? If it's so for you, I recommend starting from there.

I've known at least three people who had apparently been abused by parents in one way or another. It could very well be that I've known dozens more who were also abused by their parents but never told me about it. Right now, though, I'm only talking about these three. What all three had in common was that at times they seemed to be saying or doing things to me that I thought might really have been their way of getting back at their parents, or demanding things from me that they wished their parents had given them. It did seem to get in the way of communication, especially when the going was already difficult. It usually felt like an uphill struggle to me, trying to get them to hear me instead of whoever they were seeing me as.

One gf used to wake me up when I'd be taking a nap. From my point of view, I was trying to take care of myself so I could be there for her; from hers, if I considered sleeping more important than her, I must not love her enough. I expected that if I gave in to her and got up before I felt ready, I'd be more likely to carelessly say (or neglect to say) something that she could then pounce on as proof that I was, too, just like her father.*

Btw, I've never been diagnosed as borderline myself and I don't know if any of those other people ever were.

----------------------------
*It just occurred to me that that's another way of describing the experience called "walking on eggshells" around somebody.

Hi there,

Judging you would be like judging me. I've not been diagnosed With BPD but all I can say is its like I'm two people in one. At times I'm a man and the next it's like this little boy inside comes out. I as a man love my wife but then there's a part of me that wants her to mother me. I've never told anyone that before, it's that part of me that panics when she leaves.

I used to date an older man who was at one point would step in sometimes as my dad he would fill in and do things that my dad would never do. I soon realized that I was making him out to be my dad and thats when he got abusive very controlling and controversial. I rectified my issues I had with my dad through therapy soon the relationship became null and void. I broke up with him after he choked me almost to death and since then I have had only problems with my dad and dealt them with my dad.

I guess ya just gotta try out some trauma therapy in hopes to clear up your issues with your "daddy" image.

I'm a borderline. I don't know his common daddy issues are, but I've got my fair share.

My partner of 3 years left me 5 months ago. I felt my parent's divorce all over again; when my ex grew more distant I panicked under the notion that my "daddy" would leave me. He did and I felt the sting of watching my own father, clutching packed bags, waking through the door for the last time.

It consumes what I look for and who I find attractive and all aspects of what I like sexually.

I don't know how to resolve it.

Its not normal for me no, and have no clue if its a BPD thing. My bf is a year younger than me and the only thing he has in common with my late father is being direct and a love of the ocean.

But heyyy, they say we end up marrying our parents don't they?
In my family so far, both my BIL's have similar character traits to my dad, even though they're a few years younger than my sisters, who don't have any disorders.

I am the same way you are. It definitely gives me comfort in a sense... Growing up, my dad was absent through out my life and he has a couple of mental issues himself so I found myself reaching for comfort in a partner. However, I am not sure if you are familiar with DD/lg relationships? Its not based off of incestual desires however, but from what I know it's actually pretty common
. I actually introduced my partner now to that kind of relationship and it definitely has brought us oddly close together.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I am bpd and have major daddy issues but it isn't because my parents divorced. My father was there but was basically an absent father. He was emotionally and physically unavailable. No love no hugs no affection no attention no nothing and I'm not even exaggerating. That is one of the biggest reasons I have bpd. I accept it now but I had a hard time with it when I was younger...it took years to get over it. I'm sorry yr struggling hun. Hang in there

Sent from my SGH-M919 using Tapatalk

Hey forever,

Welcome to the forums. And we don't judge.

I am sorry that you are dealing with a breakup. It sounds like you were very attached to your boyfriend and we all know how that can be for us borderlines! I hope that you can remain strong in transitioning to a more solo lifestyle and I hope you take the time to care for yourself and learn about your new-found diagnosis. I can tell you that this forum is a great place to explore your illness and come to terms with any questions that you may have about it. Just remember that we are not our illness. We borderlines are perfect people who deserve the love we so desperately desire. And given that you've just had a tough breakup with a boyfriend you loved - it makes sense that you are showing borderline tendencies. Given time and due healing - you may not show as strong as symptoms are you currently are.

To answer your question - I don't have daddy issues, but I do have mommy issues. I do believe that having issues with our parents is central to the borderline issues. Whether they be subconscious memories or not - I think having daddy issues is not something unheard of in relation to borderline personality disorder, nor is having mommy issues.

Once in therapy I spoke out words that just - felt right in the moment. While crying I told my female therapist that I wished she was my mother. It brought out intense emotions. I became attached to my therapist - and upon saying goodbye I felt like I was missing a massive chunk of me... Like I wouldn't find that mother figure ever again... Strange thing is - if there was one parent who I had a close relationship with as a child - it was my mother. She guarded us from our father who was an alcoholic. There was more verbal abuse than physical - but it was severely dysfunctional.

Now I am in my late twenties and I have more issues with my mother than my father. I plead with my mother to talk to me about things - but she leaves and doesn't care to listen anymore... To me it means she doesn't care - which of course triggers my borderline things.

Perhaps you are doing with partners what I do with female therapists...

Perhaps you are replicating a father figure in others - because in actual fact: you don't have a father that meets your needs. Thus, you seek out partners that can fulfill those fatherly needs - because your fatherly needs are not being met by your biological father...


In short: Perhaps you need a better relationship with your biological father...

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

I would not say I have Daddy issues... as I had a fantastic father while growing up. I do however have Mommy issues and lost her very recently. I have been married 15 years in September to a man I have known since I was 8 years old. Through his research, we were able to uncover what all the chaos going on within me was...BPD. I have cheated most of my marriage and yet I have such a desire to be close to him. I rely on him and I look up to him in more ways than he will probably ever know. He gets so mad at me and asks me all the time why I treat him like a parent. He says I show great defiance when confronted with things. It is in these moments when I do become child like. I feel like a little girl inside a lot of the time. I tell you this just so you know there is nothing wrong with what you are experiencing or feeling. Each of us is different and this site is what is so wonderful... because we are able to share with one another and be validated. I wish you peace & happiness....

Having childhood trauma is common, but to the best of my knowledge, this type of relationship isn't. I want men to nurture me, but would run for the hills if they treated me like a child.

understatement! there was a LOT of emotional abuse and both parents have there own set of personal issues that were and are still denied and "hidden" mental health issues that went undiagnosed and untreated....yeah daddy and mommy issues abound in this lifetime...
good luck and good for you for recognizing/becoming aware

Jade