Anyone that knows me a bit here on this site probably has noticed I've been absent.

I don't know how to explain it any more than it's just gotten to be too much trying to maintain my connections with people, keep up with them, and everything. no one individually has done anything to cause this, just so all my closest friends know. I've just been completely overwhelmed. I don't know how to put it any other way.

I have so many issues going on in my life right now and at the moment I feel like I've shared way too much here and all of you know too much and it makes me want to just stop it all. Go back to my private hell where I feel safer and less vulnerable. No it doesn't solve the problem but at least I can not feel like such a loser in sight of so many other people. I can pretend to the world that everything is ok and just take care of my own things without being dependent on others words or support.

Am I saying bye to you all? I don't think so. Probably not anyway. As every mood, phase and time in my life passes, this too will eventually.

I get your pm's and profile messages and I'll try to at least respond to those from time to time.

Thanks to you all that have checked up on me and sent me messages one way or another. I do see them and appreciate every single one of them.

I will let you know how I am soon.

*hugs all*
~S4

It's understood. We all go through our own personal hells from time to time. Take care.

i was wondering where you were. glad to know you're okay. hope you get to feeling better and will see you around

[greentires4me]

take it easy don't place the rope around yourself to tight we see wish you the best and hope everything turns out for you. your place will be kept warm I be sure to sit in it as much as possible

I'm sorry you feel this way. If it makes you feel better, I don't know that much. Ehhhh, sorry, a feeble attempt at making you feel better. I'm kind of lame lately; haven't had the best week myself.

Anyway, I'm sorry you feel this way and you will be missed. Hope to see you around soon.

[greyclouds]

((Hugs)) s4 thinking of you

[Big Mama]

I can relate, why is hell so comfortable. Why do we assume hell is not so bad, it's not that bad, we know what to expect, we know just how bad and ugly it is and I guess we get comfortable in the safety of knowledge. Your own personal hell is a bad place to be but we feel safe there, at least we didn't take anyone down w/ us. Been there, still stuck there, Hope to get out soon. Maybe I will see you in my own personal hell, it appears we are both frequent visitors.

Take all the time you need. I fully understand where you are coming from. Hope to see you back soon. Luv ya dude.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I have done this, too, and been there.

Do what you feel you need to do.

I am glad you are not leaving.

I get this about feeling like I talk too much or get too involved. It is probably the bpd talking. But sometimes I do need a timeout to breathe.

thanks for telling us you are okay.

Carol

[TheRealFDeal]

I just got done reading Maranara's posts about needing time off from here. So I'm sad that S4's feeling the same way, at the same time. Funny, abandonment can be triggered even virtually, with people you barely know, but have come to appreciate their posts. I understand, though, even though I check here everyday, I don't always feel up to posting and just end up reading for a couple of hours. I feel bad when I don't contribute, but I just feel like I don't have the energy to contribute. Hope to see you back real soon.

[roads]

Take care of you best of all.
I won't forget you.
roadie

Thank you everyone for posting. It's nice to hear from you all, that I actually matter here. Dunno if that will ever sink in, but I do see it.

[Big Mama]

Good. We do miss you. I miss you. I am glad you see, maybe it won't be long before you can hear and see. really see. We miss U. Come back soon.
Lots of luv,
big mama

[Big Mama]

Hey don't know if you noticed but 16 people responded and sent you messages or hugs.

You are important to us.

Idk. I know you all say that. But my lack of trusting people in this life -- and that means everywhere... makes me say.. it's easy to say "i care.. " online. it's easy, there is no real connection or obligatoin or accountability. I can, or we can say whatever we want, act friendly, loving and caring and the other person will never know. We never have to do anything beyond typing sht on a computer to each other. Where's the realism in that? Where's the real friendship connection? Idk, it seems to me it's lacking. I'm not saying no one does care. I'm saying this is what goes through my head lately. I can post 1,000 hugs on here and it doesn't mean squat in reality, does it? I can say *hugs to you* a million times and although I do mean it, I feel like it's nothing. I know it's nothing. it's just words on a screen.

I'm sorry I'm ranting now. This is part of why I've been away...

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Idk. I know you all say that. But my lack of trusting people in this life -- and that means everywhere... makes me say.. it's easy to say "i care.. " online. it's easy, there is no real connection or obligatoin or accountability. I can, or we can say whatever we want, act friendly, loving and caring and the other person will never know. We never have to do anything beyond typing sht on a computer to each other. Where's the realism in that? Where's the real friendship connection? Idk, it seems to me it's lacking. I'm not saying no one does care. I'm saying this is what goes through my head lately. I can post 1,000 hugs on here and it doesn't mean squat in reality, does it? I can say *hugs to you* a million times and although I do mean it, I feel like it's nothing. I know it's nothing. it's just words on a screen.

I'm sorry I'm ranting now. This is part of why I've been away...

Sorry, I know I'm supposed to say supportive s---, but I actually agree with this. However, when this is all I have, well, I guess I have to take it. I have nothing else. I either take it for it's possible fakeness or sit alone in my apartment and cry.

Originally Posted by misskeena

Sorry, I know I'm supposed to say supportive s---, but I actually agree with this. However, when this is all I have, well, I guess I have to take it. I have nothing else. I either take it for it's possible fakeness or sit alone in my apartment and cry.

There, I gave you some "fake" hugs lol. I figured someone would understand and agree with it, while others might, in denial, vehemently argue. lol

Fact is, yeah up to now it's all I've had. but... Only I can make new connections. yeah I know I probably won't make any IRL but lately I've needed friends to enjoy just non-serious fun. I found many in the game I play and at least for part of my day it's nice to have the lighthearted banter rather than serious crap about my life all day. :/

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

There, I gave you some "fake" hugs lol. I figured someone would understand and agree with it, while others might, in denial, vehemently argue. lol

Fact is, yeah up to now it's all I've had. but... Only I can make new connections. yeah I know I probably won't make any IRL but lately I've needed friends to enjoy just non-serious fun. I found many in the game I play and at least for part of my day it's nice to have the lighthearted banter rather than serious crap about my life all day. :/

I don't think I could muster up lighthearted banter right now anyway.

[Big Mama]

I need to pm you. I agree w/ you and what I have to say is ugly. But you are right in so many ways. I agree w/ misskeena this is the closest I will get to real friends. Ohter options are just not there for me.

Originally Posted by misskeena

I don't think I could muster up lighthearted banter right now anyway.

Well right off the bat, maybe not but this is in game and everyone is focused on their gameplay so it's pretty natural to talk about that. I don't mean small talk so much as just chatting away about trivial stuff, but have been talking to people in my guild just about game related stuff which in and of itself is lighter. like "where do I find the _____ " or "anyone want to help me with this or that?" That kind of stuff.

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I need to pm you. I agree w/ you and what I have to say is ugly. But you are right in so many ways. I agree w/ misskeena this is the closest I will get to real friends. Ohter options are just not there for me.

Go ahead and pm

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I need to pm you. I agree w/ you and what I have to say is ugly. But you are right in so many ways. I agree w/ misskeena this is the closest I will get to real friends. Ohter options are just not there for me.

I have some offline friends but no one knows about my mental health status so I have to pretend for them and it's exhausting. The only one who knew is gone now, and I can't get him back. I have one other who knows but I swear, she thinks that it's partially spiritual, and that's all I'm saying about it because I don't want to get into trouble for talking about religion on the forums. The point is that I can't be myself offline at all.

[Big Mama]

Thanks for responding back. Sorry for the flip out. I understand. Thats all I have to say.

[spondiferous]

I had a period of three weeks in December/January where I just fell off the radar. I couldn't even speak to the people who were closest to me and understood what I was going through. I'm glad I decided to honor it though. By giving myself the time and space I needed, and not pressuring myself into being social, I was able to process what was going on without taking it out on others or throwing away my relationships, even though at the time I was convinced that I didn't want anyone in my life anyway.

[Ultra Darkness]

When I first joined PC, I had absolutely no intention of actually posting anything. I'm glad I did, but right now...

Originally Posted by spondiferous

I had a period of three weeks in December/January where I just fell off the radar. I couldn't even speak to the people who were closest to me and understood what I was going through. I'm glad I decided to honor it though. By giving myself the time and space I needed, and not pressuring myself into being social, I was able to process what was going on without taking it out on others or throwing away my relationships, even though at the time I was convinced that I didn't want anyone in my life anyway.

Agreed, Kudos to you for being able to stay off the grid and keep to yourself while you needed it.

Today is a strange day as I find myself posting anyway, but I'm being careful about staying away from a lot of the interaction with many of the posts... for the most part.

i still don't know if I want anyone IRL. I have my boys, and very loose acquaintences but don't really want anything closer than that.