I don't know why I feel the need to do this. Perhaps for some understanding, perhaps just to vent some old feelings, but here I go. Maybe it will explain my need to try to help and my inability to read a lot of the threads at the present time.

My mom is undiagnosed BPD. I have no doubt she is and she was kind enough to give it to me. While I was in college, for three solid years, she sent me a letter almost everyday. Long letters...4 and 5 pages long. On a lucky day I received two. They were always the same old mantra: how unhappy she was and how I'd abandoned her to attend school and had no intention of returning, and was a horrible child because of it. When I returned home from college I purposely didn't leave again save a year in Texas trying to prove her wrong.

I threw out the vast majority of these letters about 5 years ago...enough letters to fill a liquor box. But luck would have it, I came across one and did the unwise thing and read it. Those of you who are parents, imagine sending something akin to this to your 18 year old child who just left home everyday. Oh...and my dad was not a bad person. A bit gruff and he'd tell you like he saw it, but not bad. He was often compared to Archie Bunker. He was her scapegoat of all of the world's problems. She never blamed herself for her feelings or how she treated me or my siblings.

Taken from the letter:
"I don't complain about anything because he doesn't want to hear me."
"I keep everything to myself and most of the time I'm ready to go out of my mind, being alone and not having anyone to talk to; it's like being dead or half alive."
"I've tried to look ahead in life but there is nothing...."
"It doesn't seem like my children care either.....I just feel as if I don't have children."
"Getting older, you feel more, you feel alone, unloved and in the way, and never appreciated so why should I have to live to be more miserable?"
"I can't and won't say much more becaue I don't blame anyone but myself. I'm here for everyone who needs me but I have no one."
"All I hear is abuse from dad's mouth so I'm back to square one putting my head in a paper bag."

Every day for three years...and this was actually one of her more tame letters. I could never help her, I can't help you, and I can barely help myself most of the time. And when my dad died, I became "it". Within three months of his death, she she blamed me for "taking away her memories" and disowned me for things I didn't do...

[shortandcute]

Wow--that must have been rough. I am D'xed with "personality disorder, NOS with bordeline and dependent traits," but the BPD criteria seems to fit me perfectly. My kids have suffered a lot because of it.

[TheRealFDeal]

Wow, that is SO BPD, Maranara. I'm not a parent, thank god I wasn't given the opportunity to ruin somebody else's life, because I surely would have messed up my child. No, you couldn't help your mom, and her emotional life is not your responsibility. But you can and DO help a lot of people here. You have a good heart and generous spirit. I know these things are impossible to hear -- I can't receive positive affirmations myself, but I have to say them to you anyway.

My mom blamed all of her problems on my dad and she basically turned me and my siblings against him, but, to be honest, I don't remember anything bad about him. He commanded respect and if you were impudent he would hit but he never beat me. He never touched my mom except to hold her back from lashing out at him and he would leave for long periods of time due to her. I remember her once filling a suitcase with stones from the back yard for him to take. He was set in his ways beyond belief, but not bad. I remember when I was little sitting next to him watching TV, and he's the only one in my immediate family except for my sister to accept my husband. My mom, when I was 8, beat me because my dad offered me a trip to Disney World and she refused to go and told me it was okay to go with him. He stopped her abuse of me and took me with him to work, but it was the last time I ever really spent time with him because after that I was too scared to. My dad was very lonely due to her but never complained and I wish I'd given him more of a chance. I miss him.

I knew I took after my mom and even though I didn't know what BPD was, I was very careful with the way I acted around my children. I wouldn't drink (which my mom did a lot of) and would isolate myself rather than lash out. I don't think I was a perfect parent, but I think I spared my kids from the brunt of the BPD madness.

I am pushing this up because I'm selfish and want more responses. I wrote this on late Friday afternoon and very few people were on over the weekend and it kept getting pushed back. Writing the thread brought back a lot of memories and flashbacks and I am hoping more people will let me know what you think..... Sorry if I'm being presumptuous...there I go apologizing again!!

Hmmm.

I understand this more than you know. I grew up with a mother who was diagnosed (based on one encounter with a court-appointed psychologist) as bipolar. She never got treatment because "they" were crazy, not her. I now suspect she also had BPD. From what the rest of my family tells me, she had all of the classic traits. If I start going into what I experienced with my mother, this will become a book with chapters so I'll try to keep it short. My mother abandoned me when I was 15 (to put it bluntly and keep it brief). She gave up her parental rights but would randomly send letters that increasingly made no sense. And in my twenties, when I was living with my aunt, she sent long, rambling letters to my uncle about how my aunt was poisoning my mind against her and brainwashing me (never mind the fact that she'd abandoned me years prior). To this day, she still sends my uncle letters and gifts for him to send to me. She sends them to him because I've explicitly asked them not to give out my contact information. She is so out of touch I'm not comfortable with her knowing where I am. Her letters are very religious and talk about things I'm supposed to remember that happened between us. Who knows if they actually did happen, because they are not things that make sense to me. The gifts are things like those address labels you get from charities and things like that--she has no money. I have asked my uncle not to forward them to me but, as usual, they stick up for her and ignore me. (I don't have much contact with my family right now. Really none at all.)

Anyway, I don't know how much that feedback helped except to say that I understand. I am kind of in the same boat, and it's frustrating. I do my best to ignore what my mom sends and to file it into my brain under, "She's unwell. It isn't personal. She needs help that she has refused to get. I cannot internalize this." I can't say that it doesn't bother me, but it bothers me less if I think of it in these terms.

[beautifulfreak]

I can relate…it was BP, she is dead now, I don't want to talk about it though, because it is too painful but just wanted to let you know that I can relate to being that child…I still feel it and she is not even alive anymore. Wish she were alive though… I'm sure we could have helped one another. Wish I could have helped her.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I can relate.

I am still haunted by a lot of things from my childhood. I'm hoping that posting here now and then and getting other people's feedback and support will allow me to cope and move on a little better.

My mom is still alive but I haven't seen her but once in the last three years. She officially disowned me after my dad died. She accused me of stealing all of the family photos and other keepsakes (which she later found but never told me) and I can no longer forgive her. I'm an adult now....have been one for a long time...and it's time I no longer allow myself to be abused. I can no longer allow this hurt to accumulate. It's no longer worth it.

[wadingthruemotions]

I could write two books and then some about the things that happened throughout my life with my family. Mostly my mom, grandma (her mom) and my aunt (mom's sister) were all crazy in their own way with their own issues. None of them ever went to any sort of doctor because none of them had anything wrong with them, if you listened to them. The three of them are long gone now, mom by about 20+ years, grandma and aunt 2 years now. It has taken me a long time to not feel so angry with all of them and myself for a lot of what happened back then.
I realize now that growing up in that atmosphere and influence is what has made me the person I am today, good and bad. I lived every day of my life saying to myself I will never be like them, not to do the things they did, and what do you know, 38 years later I am the exact replica of all of them.

You are not alone here. We all have trauma in our past. It is a daily struggle most days for me to not think and dwell on all that. Most days I don't win, some I do.

I do not have kids, never wanted them and still don't (which is a good thing). I could never do what was done to me to another innocent being ever.
Take it one day at a time, lean on us here, we will listen and offer support where we can.
Thank you for sharing.

Originally Posted by wadingthruemotions

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I do not have kids, never wanted them and still don't (which is a good thing). I could never do what was done to me to another innocent being ever.

My mom always complained about her mom being mean and spiteful and from what I remember of her it is true.....and my daughter, whom I did my best to protect and keep my problems away from is probably BPD as well, whether from me or my mom or both I don't know but I know I was never as cruel as my mom. Four generations.... At least I know about it now and can help my daughter and let her know she's not alone. It's better than I ever got.

[pachyderm]

Understanding the Borderline Mother, by Christine Ann Lawson.

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Understanding the Borderline Mother, by Christine Ann Lawson.

I will look it up. Thank you. I believe coming to grips with things that I'm still struggling with will go a long way in my healing process.

[adam_k]

I'm sorry for all that you had to endure from this woman. I can't rely relate, since most of my family ignore me and half of the time I felt like a burden. I hope you don't take her being in your life anymore a bad thing. It sounds like she was very bad for you and I think in some ways you are better without her. Parental issues have a way of screwing us up beyond belief. I hope you realise it wasn't anything you did as a child that caused her to be that way. You deserved much better than that, and I hope you realise that now. Her letters where very hurtful and no mother should put thier child through that mental anguish. It is hard enough leaving home, but to feel guilty and someone else blaming you for thier emmotionak problems is just cruel. *hugs*