[Toro76]

I am in my mid-20's and only recently found out i have BDP, been both a relief and a real struggle since the diagnosis.

The issue i want to talk about started about a month ago with a work friend i have known for a few years, i noticed the behaviour of my friend change suddenly one week, she had become reserved and quiet, at first i assumed she may be having a personal issue she was dealing but then realised that her behaviour was only different toward me, she had been ignoring me and unresponsive to my attempts at conversation. During this time i sent her a couple of short e-mails basically saying i am bit concerned about you, hope everything is fine and if you want to talk about anything let me know, she never did respond.

It was like that for another week or so, then one day as we were walking past another she avoided eye contact and did not saying anything, i knew then something was up and it did involve me and i needed to figure it out because it was killing me. She finally opened up a bit through an e-mail and basically said that she didn't want to be friends like before as people had been talking about us. It didn't make sense to me and still doesn't as she could normally ignore that type of stuff & she is in her mid 30's and in a relationship, so im not sure what happened that made her react as she did.. but at that point i realised she was uncomfortable and knew i needed to give her space and didn't talk or attempt converse with her. I could sort of accept this, i saw it as just another one of those relationships in my life that just breaks down for whatever reason, even though i knew this was not my fault... but it really bugged me that she could suddenly just ignore me and that she knew i was worried about her and chose not to respond at all to my concern.

after not talking for a while, she was the one who slowly tried to initiate contact, i am not sure why, i could see she was trying to make an a bit of an effort but she could see i was now the one who was uncomfortable. I was really angry at her and i guess part of me still is, i realised i needed to think about what would make me feel more comfortable just being at work and how I could move past it, i had asked her to tell me what exactly what happened to trigger her reaction, but she wouldn't, after that i realised she probably never will open up to it, I thought then I could accept this and wanted to make an effort to try rebuild some sort of relationship seeing as she was now willing to talk, i guess this is where it's at now for me, part of me wants to rebuild the friendship but I am fighting my intense feelings to as bad as it sounds to hurt her feelings and destroy any chance of a friendship, i have wanted to see it things from her point of view, but since she won’t tell me anything it’s hard, the fact she doesn't seem comfortable talking to me in front of other people and that our contact in general feels a bit weird just triggers all those bad feelings I have.

All this feels so silly, I guess it hurts because I had been close to this person and the way she acted suggests she doesn’t think much of me, and that now I can’t seem to trust her i don’t know how to react, I need to accept all this for what is and move on, and I don’t want to hurt anyone because that’s not what im about, im just not sure how to resolve this within myself. I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this and comment.

[Luvmydog]

Originally Posted by Toro76

I am in my mid-20's and only recently found out i have BDP, been both a relief and a real struggle since the diagnosis.

The issue i want to talk about started about a month ago with a work friend i have known for a few years, i noticed the behaviour of my friend change suddenly one week, she had become reserved and quiet, at first i assumed she may be having a personal issue she was dealing but then realised that her behaviour was only different toward me, she had been ignoring me and unresponsive to my attempts at conversation. During this time i sent her a couple of short e-mails basically saying i am bit concerned about you, hope everything is fine and if you want to talk about anything let me know, she never did respond.

It was like that for another week or so, then one day as we were walking past another she avoided eye contact and did not saying anything, i knew then something was up and it did involve me and i needed to figure it out because it was killing me. She finally opened up a bit through an e-mail and basically said that she didn't want to be friends like before as people had been talking about us. It didn't make sense to me and still doesn't as she could normally ignore that type of stuff & she is in her mid 30's and in a relationship, so im not sure what happened that made her react as she did.. but at that point i realised she was uncomfortable and knew i needed to give her space and didn't talk or attempt converse with her. I could sort of accept this, i saw it as just another one of those relationships in my life that just breaks down for whatever reason, even though i knew this was not my fault... but it really bugged me that she could suddenly just ignore me and that she knew i was worried about her and chose not to respond at all to my concern.

after not talking for a while, she was the one who slowly tried to initiate contact, i am not sure why, i could see she was trying to make an a bit of an effort but she could see i was now the one who was uncomfortable. I was really angry at her and i guess part of me still is, i realised i needed to think about what would make me feel more comfortable just being at work and how I could move past it, i had asked her to tell me what exactly what happened to trigger her reaction, but she wouldn't, after that i realised she probably never will open up to it, I thought then I could accept this and wanted to make an effort to try rebuild some sort of relationship seeing as she was now willing to talk, i guess this is where it's at now for me, part of me wants to rebuild the friendship but I am fighting my intense feelings to as bad as it sounds to hurt her feelings and destroy any chance of a friendship, i have wanted to see it things from her point of view, but since she won’t tell me anything it’s hard, the fact she doesn't seem comfortable talking to me in front of other people and that our contact in general feels a bit weird just triggers all those bad feelings I have.

All this feels so silly, I guess it hurts because I had been close to this person and the way she acted suggests she doesn’t think much of me, and that now I can’t seem to trust her i don’t know how to react, I need to accept all this for what is and move on, and I don’t want to hurt anyone because that’s not what im about, im just not sure how to resolve this within myself. I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this and comment.

First, let me say thank you for posting, and welcome to the forum. This is tough because how you described the way she is reacting to you, would trigger a lot of different aspects of my own emotional imbalance. I think you are wise, in the fact that you are trying to see things objectively, or even from her point of view, and in the fact that you didn't "pester" (not literally pester, but at the moment my vocabulary escapes me for a better word) her when you first noticed these changes in her.

I don't agree with your assumption that she doesn't think that much of you, simply because she doesn't feel the same level of comfort in having as close of a relationship as you previously had. It seems that she may just be uncomfortable with that, and with the rumors that may have accompanied that previous closeness. We, those with the dx of BPD, have a great deal of difficulty dealing with emotional issues, but that is not to say that everyone else is an Einstein at it, and if these rumors have gotten back to her SO, then her behavior might be completely understandable, if perhaps not wholly acceptable to you and I.

She has already come around a little bit, and given time and space, she may come around a bit more. If you really do consider her as one of your closer friends, then I would suggest giving her that time and space. Much easier to say than do, I know, but that would be my advice.

[Toro76]

Thank you for the welcome Luvmydog and i appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I agree that my assumption is off base. It's my need for validation that leads to these feelings and thoughts. I know that she does care but has to deal with the situation in her own way. It's not knowing the entire truth that is causing me to feel a bit insecure and conflicted toward her.

[frippet]

I would be reacting the same way you are. I have been in that situation myself. I personally would never trust that person again. You shut me out and ignore me, I am done. My emotional state is too fragile to risk on someone who didn't care enough to explain. What if she is only being polite out of guilt for being so disrespectful. If I ignored someone I cared about, even after they asked me why, I would be apologizing and explaining my actions and ask for forgiveness. Be careful. Hugs

[Ithilanar]

I don't know if it is the 'borderline' in me talking so excuse me if it is an over analysis, but to me a friend ought to be honest and direct about when something is wrong. I don't understand what has lead people to talk about you two and even negatively, and if they did, your friend should have confronted you and told you what they said. Also, a true friend shouldn't care at all what other people say as long as they think your friendship is healthy and good. When that person just ignores you, I find that extremely disrespectful. You even show concern and what you are showing here, you come off as extremely down to earth and very respectful and keeping your distance. I find her behavior rather childish instead. I hate it when things are left unsaid. At least just say them instead of leaving someone to their imagination and anguish, if not, you just aren't a good friend. That's my opinion, and there may be more to the story than I understand from this, so I am just judging from what I hear. Like frippet said, be careful. Good luck to you.

[Butterflysmiles]

I'm sorry you are feeling conflicted with this...thanks for sharing...I can see that you have a good heart and are a true friend. I have also had issues with friendships...I can honestly say I am a good friend....but have learned that is not enough to some people...it hurts to feel like they didn't care enough to give you at least the respect you deserve...if they are going thru some things that prevent them from giving what you deserve than that's on them not you anymore. We can only do so much to show people we love them and care enough to try to fix things...but if they cant even be honest with you about this then how will they ever be honest with themselves..i see you are trying to stay positive and want to make this friendship work but from an outsider looking in...you don't deserve to keep torturing yourself over someone who wont even respect the fact that she is the one not doing what she should to fix the friendship...you cant expect someone to just forget and try to come back in their life if you never want to honest about what lead you to end the friend ship to begin with....is she hasn't been honest with you yet I wouldn't hold my breath waiting or even letting this get me down any further...I know its hard when you care so much about people but sometimes we need to see it for what it is and either keep yourself hoping for people to change or let go and simply just take this as lesson...and not allow people to take your beautiful heart for granted...their loss ...I also agree for you to be careful...

[Toro76]

Originally Posted by frippet

I would be reacting the same way you are. I have been in that situation myself. I personally would never trust that person again. You shut me out and ignore me, I am done. My emotional state is too fragile to risk on someone who didn't care enough to explain. What if she is only being polite out of guilt for being so disrespectful. If I ignored someone I cared about, even after they asked me why, I would be apologizing and explaining my actions and ask for forgiveness. Be careful. Hugs

Thanks frippet. It is difficult. I know that if she never opens up then I can’t ever feel comfortable and trust will not be restored. I did not handle it well when I showed genuine concern and she did not respond, it was a dagger through me. I can’t understand how a person could do that to another, particularly as I had never done wrong by her.

Originally Posted by Ithilanar

I don't know if it is the 'borderline' in me talking so excuse me if it is an over analysis, but to me a friend ought to be honest and direct about when something is wrong. I don't understand what has lead people to talk about you two and even negatively, and if they did, your friend should have confronted you and told you what they said. Also, a true friend shouldn't care at all what other people say as long as they think your friendship is healthy and good. When that person just ignores you, I find that extremely disrespectful. You even show concern and what you are showing here, you come off as extremely down to earth and very respectful and keeping your distance. I find her behavior rather childish instead. I hate it when things are left unsaid. At least just say them instead of leaving someone to their imagination and anguish, if not, you just aren't a good friend. That's my opinion, and there may be more to the story than I understand from this, so I am just judging from what I hear. Like frippet said, be careful. Good luck to you.

Thanks Ithilanar. I agree if she acted as a true friend or more mature it would of saved me a lot of pain. We have known each other for a few years, at times her co-workers have made harmless jokes seeing as we are close, but it’s never come close bothering her before. I can only speculate as to what has happened - quite literally we were fine one day, then the next day everything changed – completely messed with my mind. I know that in general she can be sensitive to what others say but there is something i am missing. I don’t believe I have handled the situation as well as I could of in that I let myself build up a lot of anger and resentment, the only positive being I restrained myself from letting these feelings out on her.

Originally Posted by Butterflysmiles

I'm sorry you are feeling conflicted with this...thanks for sharing...I can see that you have a good heart and are a true friend. I have also had issues with friendships...I can honestly say I am a good friend....but have learned that is not enough to some people...it hurts to feel like they didn't care enough to give you at least the respect you deserve...if they are going thru some things that prevent them from giving what you deserve than that's on them not you anymore. We can only do so much to show people we love them and care enough to try to fix things...but if they cant even be honest with you about this then how will they ever be honest with themselves..i see you are trying to stay positive and want to make this friendship work but from an outsider looking in...you don't deserve to keep torturing yourself over someone who wont even respect the fact that she is the one not doing what she should to fix the friendship...you cant expect someone to just forget and try to come back in their life if you never want to honest about what lead you to end the friend ship to begin with....is she hasn't been honest with you yet I wouldn't hold my breath waiting or even letting this get me down any further...I know its hard when you care so much about people but sometimes we need to see it for what it is and either keep yourself hoping for people to change or let go and simply just take this as lesson...and not allow people to take your beautiful heart for granted...their loss ...I also agree for you to be careful...

Thank you for the thoughtful comments Butterflysmiles. I agree entirely with you. I have been through all this before and I feel weary. It feels I can do no right. I see now that probably I can’t go on pursuing this friendship, it simply isn’t good for me. The trouble with me is that i don't have a lot to hold onto in my life and that i can tend to let myself get hurt a fair bit.

[UnderTheRose]

It takes little to be honest, really. Even if it's just a little bit of honesty. If someone can't put that effort out, and would rather instead, inflict emotional pain by excommunicating, then that's not cool.

One thing about life too.. often people get the feeling that someone else is too close to them so they instinctively back away (though should still offer explanation IF they actually cared) and THEN when the other person begins to accept it , dusts themself off and carries on, that same person will come back again. A stupid teeter-totter or tug-of-war. Its bizarre and rather lame.
(hugs)

[Toro76]

Thank you for posting TreeintheWind. I understand what you are saying - i know how that tug-of-war feels. There is a good chance i am wrong but i get the sense now that it might be she developed strong feelings for me and that when another person, perhaps a person outside her close circle picked up on it or suggested something - she then panicked and overreacted - i know if this was the case she would never tell me as she is very shy when it comes to expressing anything close to her heart. I am probably way off there though, it's frustrating as i doubt ill ever know the answer.

I might of been rash and a bit harsh too but i told her that we should not talk as i couldn't accept how things were between us now. It's simply too much for me to handle. I urged her to see it from my perspective and left the door open if she ever wanted to open up but i know she won't though - sadly i am sure of it. I terribly miss the person i use to know.