I don't wanna be here anymore T.T

I feel stupid that I post so damn much, but I have no where else to go. If I call my mom we get into a fight, she says "no wonder you were such a terrible child" when I told her my diagnosis. The people I live with can only handle so much, and I don't have any friends because no one can handle me!!! I begin to wonder what my purpose is. What kind of joke is this? I'm supposed to want to go on when everything in my life is pain? If I try to make friends it blows up in my face and I get hurt. If I hide away and avoid people I get lonely and it hurts! THERE'S NO WAY TO WIN!! I HATE people! So why do I feel like I need them in my life? Why do I need life? I'm so sick of all of this! And no where I go can give me a CLEAR diagnosis. It's always changing. And it's all different from what my psychiatrist diagnosed me with!! I just want to get better! RIGHT NOW! I'm SO sick of hurting all day everyday!! I want to be normal! I want to have friends! I want to be able to have a relationship with people! I want my family to CARE! I want the want to do things! I have no one to go to when I feel like this, I'm all alone. Everyone thought I was faking it and got mad at me. WELL I'M NOT! I really DO hurt. And "normal" people don't get it!! They say "just stop" I HATE THAT STUPID SENTENCE!!!! They say "YOU control your feelings" DO YOU THINK I WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY!? LIKE REALLY!? Seriously what kind of stupid joke is my life!? Let's see how ****ed up we can make a person and then throw them into the world and see how long they last!?!??! WELL I QUIT! I want a do over! I want to be someone else now, cuz me SUCKS! I don't want to do this anymore. So why am I forced to? Cuz MAYBE one day I'll be happy!? Well it doesn't seem worth it to me! GAH! I hate my life!

I'm not sure of how old you are, but I know for me, 18-25 were my insane years. It was during that time I was first diagnosed with BPD. Other than the movie Girl Interrupted, I'd never heard of it, so thought YEAH RIGHT, that is NOT ME.

I poisoned all those close to me it seemed, cept some that were even more messed up than I was I also had three young children, as I had my 1st at 16 and third at 22. Guilt, Shame, self hate.. omg. I hated myself so desperately.

We have a need , a primal core need, to be around others. To be part of the clan. To be part of the community, however we also have a need for solitude. That can be really frustrating. Life goes in (sometimes very harsh) cycles. This might be your time for solitude and might remain that way for some time. I am 41 this year and only in the past five years have i started feeling like not a complete failure 100% of the time.

I actually have good days now and I actually have some friends, but it started with needing to heal and grow and some of the most beautiful trees that grow require space around them... still needing to be part of the forest, but requiring that space to get a good firm hold. So, just try to ride out these waves and these cycles and know you aren't alone and that although sometimes it feels like it will never get better, it does.

Sara you're not the only person who's been there, which doesn't make it suck any less. It does suck, it REALLY sucks.

Just stay positive and things will eventually get better

But I don't want it to be YEARS before things get better, at that rate I'll NEVER make it through this. That's why I'm so mad. I'm stuck here.

My brother always says that I'm faking or pretending whenever I brush on the subject of mental health, and I've always been told that I'm too sensitive. So, yeah.

You made it through yesterday.
You made it through last year.
You made it through the past five years.
Time will suddenly begin to speed up one day and will spiral so far forward that you will have a hard time keeping up. You have made it this far and with one foot in front of the other, you will continue to do so.
Not every day will be bad.
Some will be great, and some won't. But it won't always be the same

Eating a Dove chocolate bar right now. The wrapper says, "Seek out small pleasures". Huh.

I agree. BPD sucks. But, along with the rest of the folks, I can say, "Life can get better." I know it did for me. It's hard to go through the train tunnel and get into the light, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. If you haven't tried it, then I recommend DBT and staying in therapy, even when you find yourself angry at your therapist and ready to quit.

I also don't know your age, and middle age might be way down the road, but research shows that BPD tends to lessen with age.

I feel like the light is just the train :C

And I'll be 20 in 6 days here...I'm still young. But this last year is the hardest it's ever been for me.

I'm sorry this year has been so tough, Sara. I'm wondering if your entrance into adulthood is bringing more struggles. I didn't get diagnosed with BPD until I was older. I wish now I had known earlier so I could have aggressively sought help. But years ago BPD was seen as untreatable anyway.....

There is help now, though. I'm not saying it's easy. The pain is so deep and a fear of abandonment is behind our behavior. But it can be treated, and you at least know what "beast" you're dealing with. Please don't give up!

That sounds like something my very insensitive mother would say to me. Though I am struggling now, I had just over 2 years of GREATNESS a year after my diagnosis. I found a balance between work, fun, and counseling went to DBT and learned a lot of coping skills that I never had but many other people naturall learn through childhood. DBT was very expensive and if you're not able to afford it I highly suggest workbooks grounded in DBT - they are fantastic.

I know it sucks now, I am right there with you. But don't give up.

That fear of abandonment is what is the hardest :C I feel like everyone is gonna leave me...like I'm just a burden on everyone. I feel like I'll never have friends. I seem to find abandonment in everything....somehow. How is it possible to get passed this? I can tell myself they aren't leaving me as many times as I want, it doesn't change a thing.

Oh Sara, I identified with every single statement in your post. I can only hope that life gets better for you because treatment is better now than it was when I was 20. I hope you find it. And I hope you find at least a little comfort here on the forum.

As you say, Sara, you are still young, please don`t give up.