For once in my life...

Ok so my life is far from perfect and I hope I don't make people think that everything hunky dory and I'm doing fine and wtf is he here for anyway? Because overall, things may be up, but I still struggle. I just choose to post the good going on because I want to focus on it and have the goal of giving others hope that things can get better.

So this is so trivial for so many people in this world so I imagine some of you may go "so what?" but I'll explain why... it means so much to me.

For once in my life, after 13+ years of marriage, letting someone else have control of the finances in my life, dealing with late fees constantly... I just paid my cell phone bill. It's about a week late, but I called them, they were ok with it and let me pay without any kind of problem so essentially I've had my cell phones since Christmas, and they've had the balance paid off each month since then. Why is this significant? Because never before while being married was this happening. We had so many phones turned off and lost our accounts due to this more times than I care to recall. I went without a personal cell phone for years. So this is the first time I've been consistent with it and up to date. it's a good feeling and makes me feel in control of my life if only just a small portion of it right now. The other thing is that I actually have been at the place I'm staying, an extended stay hotel, which charges by the week, for what, 13, 14 months? I have had to pay late maybe once in that time and that was in the very beginning. Since then I also have been on time, paying the rent first before other things and that, in full, every 2 weeks. Feels really good not to have a landlord scowling at you, looking down on you or calling you on the phone. it's nice, maybe Im actually ok with money.

Granted, I still live check to check, with other things going out and my spending should get under control, but honestly, it's after the necessities are taken care of and I set aside food money, buy what I need first. it's just I don't keep much if any, of the rest of it above that o.O yeah that's bad but hey, I'm still taking care of waht needs to be taken care of! yay me ... not really I mean this is normal life so I deserve no accolades for this but it makes me happy nonetheless.

There is a lot to be done still... I still have a ticket to pay (already set aside for this check) to get my license back. then in two weeks it's off to the dmv, and vehicle registration to get my car (finally) back on the road. it's so close I can taste it haha...

There is hope, everyone... remember who this is coming from, I've struggled for many months and felt the dark hole that many of you feel now and it felt endless at times. In time, things always change, get better and we can breathe again. I hope this helps someone out there to know even in the worst times, there is always hope

Thank you so much for your kind words. I often wonder to myself why I am always whining and complaining about life, when I actually have it pretty good. I do miss having someone to love though, even though my ex says he isn't going anywhere, I'm sure he will find someone one day.

Despite all of that nonsense, things are going well. I have a good job, bills are paid, life is good. Sometimes I tend to forget.

Thanks to posts like yours its nice to be reminded of the good things, and what we have to be thankful for.

Thank you again, and I wish you all the best of luck and happiness

i too miss being with someone sometimes. Not my ex, at all but someone. Unfortunately that desire is tempered with the realization of what relationships (romantic ones) have been like for me and it reminds me again that it's not so bad to be alone.

Please don't minimalize your accomplishments and the pride you feel in having taken positive steps in your life!
I think it's great that you've been thoughtful about your financial priorities and have taken action to resolve them! Damn, so many of us cannot get our **** straight to take care of the small details that keep our lives from becoming as chaotic as our minds are!
I think you're awesome, and an inspiration to those of us who struggle with taking care of the basics. I so appreciate you sharing good news! Feeling good about ourselves and accomplishing tasks is important and significant, and as you say, it gives us all hope.
Thanks for posting!

Thanks for this. I appreciate it and am happy that it has given hope. Indeed chaos is part of my life, and I still struggle. In no way do I imply that I have my sht together. but in the midst of all the crap, is some good stuff. I think we all have some of that, just learning to see it is the hard part.

I know that for me at times, I feel as though because of my mistakes I don't "deserve" to enjoy what success I even do have. In the past I've let it stop me a little and I don't know for sure but I think a lot of people in our situation tend to think this way - as if we are so "bad" that we don't even deserve to see, hear, acknowledge or enjoy the good that we have in us and in our lives.

So true! I know that I have to act like I feel I deserve some good in my life, in order for my brain to let me believe it, even for a little while. I have done some really bad sht in my life, and my mental health crap just won't let me live it down! I know I can't change it, but I still can punish myself for it today.
When I read a post like yours, with good feelings and actions, I feel like I can let go of so e of this stuff, too. I agree, learning to see the positive is where we start to heal from some of this crap. Typical people just don't get it.

Personally, my emotions are very easily influenced. That's a good thing, because although I can be thrown into the Pits of Despair by one little thing, I can bounce back just as easily. Maybe more so, because I know what makes me feel better and I deliberately seek it out.

Your posts are one of the things that help me. You always have some insight to offer, or a joke to make, and that encourages me to look at things differently. This forum is certainly funner with you around!

That said, post all the good stuff you want! I'm not gonna complain.

I'm glad stuff's on the up for you bud. You're a great guy.

My respect

Phreak

Well even above feeling like you deserve the good, is that it is there. Regardless of even if you didn't deserve something.. Say someone does a good deed and helps you, even if you did nothing to deserve it, it is still a good thing done for you. We tend to think that if we dont' deserve something - especially good, we shouldn't even have the right to acknowledge it is good - as if this makes it ok, as if denying that it happened or that it's something positive changes it somehow. it doesn't. it's still a positive event, deed, or what not that has happened and we have to stop ourselves from defeating it so it has no effect on us.

I hope you have some better days coming as I have been having and that you're able to get out of the muck, whatever it is right now. Feel free to friend me and pm me anytime, I'm here quite often so get my pms pretty regularly.

Thanks so much, I appreciate it

Aww thanks. *hug* I am glad I can be of some help.

As for bouncing back, it is the only reason I have stood the trials over all this time, like I said in the other post that I am resilient.. This speaks to that very much. Sometimes it can be a negative as when I have raged at someone and then get over it quick they are left wondering wtf or how the heck I forgot or got over things so well.. Other than that though it's a good thing and I'm happy for it.

Funnily enough, the name of this thread reminds me of a song by Sum 41 called "Happiness Machine" and it leads up to some very fitting lyrics:

"For once in my life
I do want to feel
Something you'd call real
I don't think that I've got
Too many scars to heal."

The music nerd is done now.

Any kind of nerd is cool with me.
~the anime+art+gaming geek is done now.

I love Sum 41--one of the bands i put on to get myself out of a funk.

Thanks for sharing your triumphs s4ndm4n that's pretty awesome!

I know for me, the bill thing.. well i've always been the one to take care of it for a good 20 years now, and still it is a struggle each month to make myself pay them. 1) i overspend and 2) the confrontation? or.. something? of just DOING it can often feel immobilizing. But i too am now finally getting things on track with them. (ive always paid, but not always very well, and DID have many things cut off)

Any time we take that step to actively DOING something to carry us into a better space it feels so good. such a freaking relief! (now i just need to stop wasting money in virtual worlds)

Well I can and have done that before. Having full responsibility of the kids has helped to ground me but aside from that I've decided that if I spend money I want it to be guilt free. Thing is what helps is that I think about if I take care of all the other stuff first - bills etc and then spend on me only minus the bills, well.. I don't have the overwhelming stress of knowing I spent too much over what I had and can't pay my bills. It helps me to have that perspective and as time has gone on and I've been paying things regularly first, it's gotten to where I really feel good about it. It feels good to actually just put them aside each check and be done with it. It's getting over the initial stage of temptation to just go out and spend first.

I've also come to the realization that if I have what I need (food, water, shelter, etc... ) and my kids are taken care of, then really everything else is fluff. I don't "need" anything beyond all that. So when I have less and can't spend like I want to, I can easily let that go. I know I have a job and more will come and other weeks it will be better.

I'm rambling now though.

Yes!!! I think i need a shock collar that goes off every time i think of spending what i don't have.

Exactly. I know what you mean.

Hi! I am only on this forum for the second time but I want you to know that finding this BPD forum and then getting to read your post made me feel MUCH better today. I tend to be very fickle with my emotions [duh, emotional disregulation...] but it is oh so easy for me to find things to feel crummy about. I think the things you are giving yourself props for are great. I like how you write and that you are willing to share.
I hope to read more of your posts.
Hopeful Camel

Thanks for this. And glad you posted again. Don't be shy it helps tremendously to post here and read what others say. Thing is the more you share the more you'll find out how many people really do feel the way you do and will support you... believe me I know, this site has been a great help to me over the past turbulent year of my life.