[AnnaBegins]

My depression seems to be getting stronger than my BPD lately. I find myself wanting to sleep constantly - just stay asleep and not face anything or anyone. I'm isolating myself - cancelling plans left and right, missing work, etc. Even when I force myself to keep plans with my friends, I feel strange - like I'm spending the whole time I'm with them detaching - not exactly saying goodbye but that's as close as I can come to describing it. I've been thinking about what I would put in my note if I were to write one, how I would try to make sure everyone understood that it is not their fault and that nothing they could have done would have changed things. To be clear, I have no active plan to do anything. Quite frankly it seems like it would take too much energy - it's just easier for me to go back to sleep.

I have a friend who is a t and he thinks I need to go on meds immediately to alleviate some of the depression issues. He's very pushy about this and is having a hard time taking no for answer. I brought it up with my t and he said meds are not altogether a bad idea, although he was quick to point out that they will not change the fact that I have to choose to work through this.

What I'm struggling to tell my t is that I am afraid to have any meds of any kind in the house. Both times I was involuntarily hospitalized, I ODed. I didn't have an active plan either of those times either - I just wanted to sleep and kept taking pills until I did. There's something irresistibly appealing to me about forcing myself to sleep by any means necessary because I'm not hurting so much when I'm unconscious to the world.

Not sure what to do here. Meds could actually help pull me out of the downward spiral I've been in, could alleviate the worst of the depression symptoms and set me on a healthier path where I feel like I have more choices. But I do not trust myself with meds in the house and going to the hospital is not an option - I would lose my job and that would probably send me right back down the spiral.

Originally Posted by AnnaBegins

My depression seems to be getting stronger than my BPD lately. I find myself wanting to sleep constantly - just stay asleep and not face anything or anyone. I'm isolating myself - cancelling plans left and right, missing work, etc. Even when I force myself to keep plans with my friends, I feel strange - like I'm spending the whole time I'm with them detaching - not exactly saying goodbye but that's as close as I can come to describing it. I've been thinking about what I would put in my note if I were to write one, how I would try to make sure everyone understood that it is not their fault and that nothing they could have done would have changed things. To be clear, I have no active plan to do anything. Quite frankly it seems like it would take too much energy - it's just easier for me to go back to sleep.

I have a friend who is a t and he thinks I need to go on meds immediately to alleviate some of the depression issues. He's very pushy about this and is having a hard time taking no for answer. I brought it up with my t and he said meds are not altogether a bad idea, although he was quick to point out that they will not change the fact that I have to choose to work through this.

What I'm struggling to tell my t is that I am afraid to have any meds of any kind in the house. Both times I was involuntarily hospitalized, I ODed. I didn't have an active plan either of those times either - I just wanted to sleep and kept taking pills until I did. There's something irresistibly appealing to me about forcing myself to sleep by any means necessary because I'm not hurting so much when I'm unconscious to the world.

Not sure what to do here. Meds could actually help pull me out of the downward spiral I've been in, could alleviate the worst of the depression symptoms and set me on a healthier path where I feel like I have more choices. But I do not trust myself with meds in the house and going to the hospital is not an option - I would lose my job and that would probably send me right back down the spiral.

I identify with so much of this. My (former) T and my pdoc have both been kind of asking if I need to go back to the hospital because of how I feel about wanting to live and I'm adamant about not wanting to go inpatient for the exact same reason as you. That, and even if I didn't lose my job I would lose the pay, and be so behind in bills it would send me into a spiral. I've also OD'd twice in the past. Anyway, I'm not trying to hijack your thread, I'm just saying I get it.

It's up to you if you want to try meds, of course, but it sounds like something has to give. I understand not wanting to have meds around, but I think if you're honest with your pdoc they will help you navigate this, if they're any good. They are concerned with your safety as well. My pdoc doesn't exactly trust me with meds, either (can you blame her?) and won't prescribe me more than 30 days worth of anything. And there is a certain class of meds she won't give me at all anymore. Well, she will if I really need it, but she'll give me like, maybe 5-10 pills at a time.

Take care, and keep us posted.

[Luvmydog]

Anna, this is a tough situation to navigate. I am not a doctor, and I don't even know if it is possible, but I wonder if a pdoc would be able to set something up with a local pharmacy to give you a daily supply out of a monthly script. Like I said, I dunno if this would even be possible, but I do know that you can get a smaller amount, like Misskeena said about 5 - 10 pills at a time. In any event, I hope that you can find the peace needed to help you get through this.

Originally Posted by AnnaBegins

I have a friend who is a t and he thinks I need to go on meds immediately to alleviate some of the depression issues. He's very pushy about this and is having a hard time taking no for answer.

Regardless of what your friend thinks or how pushy he is, this is between you and your doctor. It concerns me that someone that is not a doctor is pushing you to go on meds. Doesn't matter if they work or not, it is not his place to tell you what to do at least not to the point where you clearly feel pressured by him. Makes me wonder how good this person is for you in the first place if he has that kind of power over you. Please, please stand up for yourself and do not let him be the one to make any life changing decisions for you. I wasn't even going to respond to this post because I don't think the answer can be given here but i had to address this part that stood out for me.

I brought it up with my t and he said meds are not altogether a bad idea, although he was quick to point out that they will not change the fact that I have to choose to work through this.

Please do listen to this T and take it to heart. The thing is that meds may or may not work for you, they may not be right for your situation and ultimately it is not a "cure" for the problems and your goal should be to learn to work through it

What I'm struggling to tell my t is that I am afraid to have any meds of any kind in the house. Both times I was involuntarily hospitalized, I ODed. I didn't have an active plan either of those times either - I just wanted to sleep and kept taking pills until I did. There's something irresistibly appealing to me about forcing myself to sleep by any means necessary because I'm not hurting so much when I'm unconscious to the world.

Not sure what to do here. Meds could actually help pull me out of the downward spiral I've been in, could alleviate the worst of the depression symptoms and set me on a healthier path where I feel like I have more choices. But I do not trust myself with meds in the house and going to the hospital is not an option - I would lose my job and that would probably send me right back down the spiral.

Well I can understand your fear about having meds in the house. You are being wise to consider this. Do make sure you let your T know about this because in either case it's something they should know. If you go on meds, the T should know so that they can keep a close eye on you, or in the other case, they could suggest staying away from them altogether. Either way it's better for them to know

I hope this helps, I wish you much luck in finding relief and peace *many hugs*
~S4

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Regardless of what your friend thinks or how pushy he is, this is between you and your doctor. It concerns me that someone that is not a doctor is pushing you to go on meds. Doesn't matter if they work or not, it is not his place to tell you what to do at least not to the point where you clearly feel pressured by him. Makes me wonder how good this person is for you in the first place if he has that kind of power over you. Please, please stand up for yourself and do not let him be the one to make any life changing decisions for you.

I've wondered the same thing about whether or not he is good for me. When he's calm, he's very nice and supportive and loving - almost like a father figure. But when he gets excited, he pushes me pretty hard about doing aggressive things to "fix" my BPD, most of which I don't feel comfortable with. The last time we had a disagreement because he wanted me to do something I thought wasn't quite the right thing, he started yelling at me in public - much like my specific father figure. I think his intentions are good - he probably just wants me to get better and stop being such a basket case around him - but his methods are borderline triggering.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Well I can understand your fear about having meds in the house. You are being wise to consider this. Do make sure you let your T know about this because in either case it's something they should know. If you go on meds, the T should know so that they can keep a close eye on you, or in the other case, they could suggest staying away from them altogether. Either way it's better for them to know

I am really afraid to talk to my t too much about this. If I tell him I don't trust myself not to OD, that combined with my tendency to SI (which he does know about) might result in a forced trip to the hospital. I believe that if that happens, I will just give up and stop making an effort to fight my way out of the place I'm in right now.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I hope this helps, I wish you much luck in finding relief and peace *many hugs*
~S4

Thank you for this - it really means a great deal!

I don't think that discussing a fear of ODing regarding you starting meds would wind up in a forced trip to the hospital. In my experience (and this is coming from someone who has been inpatient 4 times) a trip to the hospital comes from suicidal ideation with a plan, and/or that you will not or cannot keep yourself safe. That and/or you've already acted on a plan. I mean, I don't know what the involuntary process is in your state, but that's how it goes down here. I mean, you should be able to feel like you can discuss your fears with your T without having to worry that they're going to lock you up. They will probably ask you if you feel like you need to go to the hospital and, if you say no, they will ask you what plan you will have in place to keep yourself safe.

[TheRealFDeal]

I agree with MK, you should be able to at least discuss these things. Maybe you could preface it with your fear about how much you are able to say without T reporting you. Last session with my T I said I was going to k*** myself at least 3 times, and I thought I'd better outright ask him if he wanted to or would report me. I got out of that session feeling relieved of that fear.

It's a rock and a hard place, isn't it? I firmly believe meds can help -- they have provided a boost for me in the past that I needed in order to get past just surviving and on to living. But I have also OD'd and continue to be tempted to do so.

[greentires4me]

coming from a person who was only on muscle relaxants to taking 4-6 pills daily trying to cope with depression its reallly beeen tough I tell you my depression really bad these last 7 days I only think that I wanted to sleep I can only do one thing a day before I am absolutely exhausted. I solve all my problems by going to bed, wake up and they still aren't solved. I am not sure if I am spiralling downwards but I am definately really have no motivation to do anything about it but still take my pills. I understand what you are going through and my advice is weigh your options before getting into anything big

[allme]

Originally Posted by AnnaBegins

My depression seems to be getting stronger than my BPD lately. I find myself wanting to sleep constantly - just stay asleep and not face anything or anyone. I'm isolating myself - cancelling plans left and right, missing work, etc. Even when I force myself to keep plans with my friends, I feel strange - like I'm spending the whole time I'm with them detaching - not exactly saying goodbye but that's as close as I can come to describing it. I've been thinking about what I would put in my note if I were to write one, how I would try to make sure everyone understood that it is not their fault and that nothing they could have done would have changed things. To be clear, I have no active plan to do anything. Quite frankly it seems like it would take too much energy - it's just easier for me to go back to sleep.

I have a friend who is a t and he thinks I need to go on meds immediately to alleviate some of the depression issues. He's very pushy about this and is having a hard time taking no for answer. I brought it up with my t and he said meds are not altogether a bad idea, although he was quick to point out that they will not change the fact that I have to choose to work through this.

What I'm struggling to tell my t is that I am afraid to have any meds of any kind in the house. Both times I was involuntarily hospitalized, I ODed. I didn't have an active plan either of those times either - I just wanted to sleep and kept taking pills until I did. There's something irresistibly appealing to me about forcing myself to sleep by any means necessary because I'm not hurting so much when I'm unconscious to the world.

Not sure what to do here. Meds could actually help pull me out of the downward spiral I've been in, could alleviate the worst of the depression symptoms and set me on a healthier path where I feel like I have more choices. But I do not trust myself with meds in the house and going to the hospital is not an option - I would lose my job and that would probably send me right back down the spiral.

Hey

I used to have major problems with abusing my meds but would run out half way through the month. I had to keep going to have my script refilled but in the end he point blank said no! I couldn't believe it but he meant it (dangerous imo) After 3 days I started feeling real bad so went back and pleaded and he gave me a refill but told me never to do it again because next time he wouldn't give me extra! I have never done it since!

Do you have anyone that can hold your meds for you and give them when you need them? Or maybe only have a couple of days worth of meds at a time?

Whatever you decide I hope you start feeling better soon

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by misskeena

I don't think that discussing a fear of ODing regarding you starting meds would wind up in a forced trip to the hospital. In my experience (and this is coming from someone who has been inpatient 4 times) a trip to the hospital comes from suicidal ideation with a plan, and/or that you will not or cannot keep yourself safe. That and/or you've already acted on a plan. I mean, I don't know what the involuntary process is in your state, but that's how it goes down here. I mean, you should be able to feel like you can discuss your fears with your T without having to worry that they're going to lock you up. They will probably ask you if you feel like you need to go to the hospital and, if you say no, they will ask you what plan you will have in place to keep yourself safe.

I'm not sure what the process is in my state either - most of my fear is coming from the other two times I was hospitalized. My T knows that I SI and that lately it's been happening a lot. We had talked about it in one session and he said that he is concerned that I will "accidentally" do real damage to myself one day because I will take things just a little too far and that this will surprise me. I feel like the same thing will happen with meds - that I will be in the middle of a bad episode and latch on to the idea of wanting to sleep to stop the pain and not be calm or rational enough to wait for the effects of the first med to kick in before I take a second, and a third, and a fourth, and so on.

I agree with you that I should be able to be honest with him and discuss my fears since he should be able to help me with them. I didn't think about coming up with a plan to keep myself safe though...maybe if I have that with me if I talk to him, it might keep him from feeling like he has to have me locked up.

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by allme

Do you have anyone that can hold your meds for you and give them when you need them? Or maybe only have a couple of days worth of meds at a time?

Holding them no - there aren't very many people in my life that know how messed up I am - every time I try to trust someone with my secret, they get very upset and start blaming themselves or asking me why I feel this way when they are a part of my life. When that happens, I feel guilty and end up spending more time trying to reassure them that it's not their fault and they are enough for me, etc. than I do trying to help myself climb back up the spiral. I've found it's just safer to pretend that I am everything they all want me to be and that I don't need help because there's nothing wrong.

Maybe if I get the courage to talk to my T about this I can ask him to hold the meds for me and only give me a week's worth when I come in for session. This would serve a dual purpose as it would prevent me from skipping sessions because I feel like I lack the energy to get out of bed. I don't know that he would want that responsibility though.

Originally Posted by allme

Whatever you decide I hope you start feeling better soon

Thank you - this really does mean a lot to me...

[allme]

Originally Posted by AnnaBegins

Holding them no - there aren't very many people in my life that know how messed up I am - every time I try to trust someone with my secret, they get very upset and start blaming themselves or asking me why I feel this way when they are a part of my life. When that happens, I feel guilty and end up spending more time trying to reassure them that it's not their fault and they are enough for me, etc. than I do trying to help myself climb back up the spiral. I've found it's just safer to pretend that I am everything they all want me to be and that I don't need help because there's nothing wrong.

Maybe if I get the courage to talk to my T about this I can ask him to hold the meds for me and only give me a week's worth when I come in for session. This would serve a dual purpose as it would prevent me from skipping sessions because I feel like I lack the energy to get out of bed. I don't know that he would want that responsibility though.


Thank you - this really does mean a lot to me...

I think that is a fab idea if he doesn't mind doing it for you But you will need a back up plan in case you can't make it into your session.

One option is that your pdoc can write the prescription for only one week at a time. A bit more expensive and kind of a pain to have to go to the pharmacy each week, but you wouldn't have a lethal dose on hand that way.

Originally Posted by AnnaBegins

I've wondered the same thing about whether or not he is good for me. When he's calm, he's very nice and supportive and loving - almost like a father figure. But when he gets excited, he pushes me pretty hard about doing aggressive things to "fix" my BPD, most of which I don't feel comfortable with. The last time we had a disagreement because he wanted me to do something I thought wasn't quite the right thing, he started yelling at me in public - much like my specific father figure. I think his intentions are good - he probably just wants me to get better and stop being such a basket case around him - but his methods are borderline triggering.

Uhhh no. Never right. Do not allow him to ever humiliate you in public. Walk away from that sh*. I can tell right now that he's probably very controlling of you and let me guess.. He's "nice and supportive..." when you're "behaving" and doing what he feels you should be doing. I've had people like this in my life and I feel for you. We tend to be people that mold to others and the truth is the controlling, aggressive people like that are the worst for us. I know some of them mean well but at the same time they have their own problems with allowing others to be independent thinkers, in fact they can hate it when people don't follow their rules. That is detrimental to your progress if it's as bad as it looks from your description. Please do at least take a look at this relationship a little closer

I am really afraid to talk to my t too much about this. If I tell him I don't trust myself not to OD, that combined with my tendency to SI (which he does know about) might result in a forced trip to the hospital. I believe that if that happens, I will just give up and stop making an effort to fight my way out of the place I'm in right now.

I still maintain that it's the best route. the T is there to help you and if they do not know every detail of your challenges, they can't fully help you. If this makes you feel better, I know it seems like it's a possibility of ending up in the hospital, this is not really the case. Unless you're threatening to SI, suicide or OD right then, unless it's a current threat, they won't do that. You're talking about tendencies not currently active behaviors, so really you should be ok.. Hope this helps.

Thank you for this - it really means a great deal!

You're very welcome. Hope I've been helpful.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I still maintain that it's the best route. the T is there to help you and if they do not know every detail of your challenges, they can't fully help you. If this makes you feel better, I know it seems like it's a possibility of ending up in the hospital, this is not really the case. Unless you're threatening to SI, suicide or OD right then, unless it's a current threat, they won't do that. You're talking about tendencies not currently active behaviors, so really you should be ok.. Hope this helps.

YES! This. Have courage--talk to your T.

I don't think that your T can hold your meds for you. Mine did once, but it was a special circumstance involving the specific med I OD'd on. I can't remember what the issue was, but it was like, a one-time thing because I was having a meltdown and needed that med but they didn't trust me with it...something like that. It was 4 years ago. Anyway. I don't believe they will usually do that because of liability. Your pdoc should write for your pharmacy to dispense a certain number of pills at a time. I don't believe it is really all that much more expensive since it's not a full prescription. Most copays cover a full thirty days' worth. If they were writing for, say, ten pills, I don't think it would be the same copay, but I don't know. That's how my insurance works, at least.

[shortandcute]

There are some places in my area that will "hold" people's meds for them, and people come by to take their dose for the day. It can be kind of a hassle but it can be helpful. Could that possibley be an option for you?

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by shortandcute

There are some places in my area that will "hold" people's meds for them, and people come by to take their dose for the day. It can be kind of a hassle but it can be helpful. Could that possibley be an option for you?

I can look into it...I think that if I have to take meds, this would be my safest option.