[Maranara]

I hate who I am.
Nothing but a complainer, a needy clinger, someone who has lost the ability to stand on her own. A nuisance, a b***ch, and other things I can't mention. Just saying that makes me hate myself because I don't want to appear that way to others. I want to be strong, stand on my own. I don't know how and no one will help me get there. I was independent, I could cope, and the door was slammed shut with me clawing for a way out.

Funny thing, most people in real life think I'm normal. Don't see the pain. They are all fooled, which is part of my demise. No one will help me. When my emotions burst to the surface I am "having a bad day" or "going through a phase". They don't see the inner turmoil that never dies. The constant changing of my emotions. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I've learned to be honest; I tell people how I am, usually to get a "I'll be around no matter what", or an "I'm your friend and will not hurt you" to always have it happen again and again. An endless cycle of pain. I become hooked and cling and suddenly find myself grappling for the air, drowning, running out of breath. Broken promises. Broken dreams....and I did it to myself. No one's fault but mine.

I hate being ignored. It is the ultimate punishment. "I won't ignore you" I'm told time and again, until it happens, again and again. Ignoring=the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. Just stab me and get it over with. Don't torture me through ignoring. Nothing is worse.

I have no social skills, do not know how to act around people, am socially unacceptable in thought and action. I am trying. I never learned better. I can't learn out of thin air. No one will help me. I no longer know how to help myself. I do not want pity. I want to be shown the way. I want someone to hold my hand, tell me it's okay, help me stand on my own until I possess the strength to once again try to stand and walk on my own again.

I want to help people, but my help is always misguided. I say the wrong thing. I inadvertently hurt people. I offer unwanted, even despised advise. I try to buy people's friendships with money, gifts, being willing to do anything for them. They take what they want, what I allow them to take, which is all that i am, and leave. Always the same result. I've done it my whole life. They don't see my desperation or they do and leave because of it.

I am working nonstop. I am stir crazy, nothing to do but think, and dwell, and allow my emotions to build up. To boil over. I'm looking desperately for work but it doesn't matter. Rejection after rejection. I can sell myself on paper, be the chameleon and blend in once hired, but no one will hire me. I get choked up. I can't talk to people. I was programmed not to. "Don't tell anyone your personal problems." "You're taking on the phone too much; let's put a stop to that." I didn't know my own phone number for two or three years. How dare I try to make friends? How can I learn if not given a chance? I've been reclusive for a year. How can I suddenly show something that eeked away over a year at home and largely alone? With my reclusiveness went any pride and self confidence I had. I am only a shell of who I was before and getting worse all the time.

I moved 2,600 miles from home one year today, all due to my impulsiveness and extreme fear of abandonment and clinginess. Now I must live with that decision the rest of my life. Away from my girls and the only job I truly enjoyed in my adult life.

All I want is a friend, but all I do is destroy friendships. I smother people. They can't take me; I can't take myself. I am destroying myself. I am in crisis.

I want to ask for help, but who am I fooling? No one will help a fool, a charlatan, a pretender, a clinger, a constantly needy person. I don't want to be needy. I don't. I don't know how to stop.

I do not hold grudges. I do not seek revenge. I may have at one time, but I've been broken too many times. Now I am paranoid to the end, forever expecting the worse. Just waiting to be told how horrible I am by those I cling to. I am grasping for air and they are suffocating me. Drowning me. I deserve to be drowned. I am an old horse lying in a pasture, no good to anyone including, especially myself. I just wish someone would shoot me already. I'm never going to amount to anything. I am ready to die.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Maranara,

Sweetie, my heart just breaks for you. I do know how you feel. I have been there. There's not much to do in a forum such as this, but if I can be helpful, tell me how. I will be your friend in this venue. In the last 2 years I have managed to begin to get better. I will be happy to share with you what I have done IF that is something that you want to hear. At this moment a silent prayer has been lifted for you.

[ArthurDent]

Hugs. Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. My favorite swamp rat

[allme]

I am so sorry you're in a dark place right now. That could of been me you were writing about...I felt everything you described and guess others here will too.

I doubt there is anything I can say right now to make you feel better, but you will just that, feel better, but first you need to start looking at the good in yourself, if only something small, write it down. This illness is so very much self destructing and right now you are in ultra self destruct mode.

Do you have a T or someone you can reach out to?

And pls remember, this isn't your fault, none of this is your fault, if you knew differently you would do and act differently and the point is you, and I and others, so much want to change. It all takes time though. Little by little we will get there. Sadly these dark things will plague us but hang onto the hope things will get better....

Keep posting if you need to

[gayleggg]

I'm so sorry you are in such a bad place right now. I can't tell you how sorry I am that you feel so bad about yourself. I'm sure there are good things but you just can't see them because of the illness. I'm glad you were able to reach out to us on PC. You are a valuable person. Believe it.
Gayle

Love you my friend....I can empathize with much that you have said.
Please hang in there and lets get you thru this.

I empathize with so much of what you said, especially the "I am ready to die" part, which I know is taboo here on PC. Anyway, I don't know how to help you, because I don't know how to help myself out of the depression I'm in, but I wanted you to know that I read your post and that I care about you. I'm sorry that you feel so low.

[frippet]

I am sorry you are hurting. I wish I knew why we spiral into darkness so easily. I hear your words and ache. Hugs I am here if you need me.

Originally Posted by Maranara

I hate who I am.
Nothing but a complainer, a needy clinger, someone who has lost the ability to stand on her own. A nuisance, a b***ch, and other things I can't mention. Just saying that makes me hate myself because I don't want to appear that way to others. I want to be strong, stand on my own. I don't know how and no one will help me get there. I was independent, I could cope, and the door was slammed shut with me clawing for a way out.

Funny thing, most people in real life think I'm normal. Don't see the pain. They are all fooled, which is part of my demise. No one will help me. When my emotions burst to the surface I am "having a bad day" or "going through a phase". They don't see the inner turmoil that never dies. The constant changing of my emotions. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I've learned to be honest; I tell people how I am, usually to get a "I'll be around no matter what", or an "I'm your friend and will not hurt you" to always have it happen again and again. An endless cycle of pain. I become hooked and cling and suddenly find myself grappling for the air, drowning, running out of breath. Broken promises. Broken dreams....and I did it to myself. No one's fault but mine.

I hate being ignored. It is the ultimate punishment. "I won't ignore you" I'm told time and again, until it happens, again and again. Ignoring=the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. Just stab me and get it over with. Don't torture me through ignoring. Nothing is worse.

I have no social skills, do not know how to act around people, am socially unacceptable in thought and action. I am trying. I never learned better. I can't learn out of thin air. No one will help me. I no longer know how to help myself. I do not want pity. I want to be shown the way. I want someone to hold my hand, tell me it's okay, help me stand on my own until I possess the strength to once again try to stand and walk on my own again.

I want to help people, but my help is always misguided. I say the wrong thing. I inadvertently hurt people. I offer unwanted, even despised advise. I try to buy people's friendships with money, gifts, being willing to do anything for them. They take what they want, what I allow them to take, which is all that i am, and leave. Always the same result. I've done it my whole life. They don't see my desperation or they do and leave because of it.

I am working nonstop. I am stir crazy, nothing to do but think, and dwell, and allow my emotions to build up. To boil over. I'm looking desperately for work but it doesn't matter. Rejection after rejection. I can sell myself on paper, be the chameleon and blend in once hired, but no one will hire me. I get choked up. I can't talk to people. I was programmed not to. "Don't tell anyone your personal problems." "You're taking on the phone too much; let's put a stop to that." I didn't know my own phone number for two or three years. How dare I try to make friends? How can I learn if not given a chance? I've been reclusive for a year. How can I suddenly show something that eeked away over a year at home and largely alone? With my reclusiveness went any pride and self confidence I had. I am only a shell of who I was before and getting worse all the time.

I moved 2,600 miles from home one year today, all due to my impulsiveness and extreme fear of abandonment and clinginess. Now I must live with that decision the rest of my life. Away from my girls and the only job I truly enjoyed in my adult life.

All I want is a friend, but all I do is destroy friendships. I smother people. They can't take me; I can't take myself. I am destroying myself. I am in crisis.

I want to ask for help, but who am I fooling? No one will help a fool, a charlatan, a pretender, a clinger, a constantly needy person. I don't want to be needy. I don't. I don't know how to stop.

I do not hold grudges. I do not seek revenge. I may have at one time, but I've been broken too many times. Now I am paranoid to the end, forever expecting the worse. Just waiting to be told how horrible I am by those I cling to. I am grasping for air and they are suffocating me. Drowning me. I deserve to be drowned. I am an old horse lying in a pasture, no good to anyone including, especially myself. I just wish someone would shoot me already. I'm never going to amount to anything. I am ready to die.

Maranara-I wish that I had the words for you but I don't, I can feel your pain and I relate to your post so much.

Originally Posted by Maranara

I hate who I am.
Nothing but a complainer, a needy clinger, someone who has lost the ability to stand on her own. A nuisance, a b***ch, and other things I can't mention. Just saying that makes me hate myself because I don't want to appear that way to others. I want to be strong, stand on my own. I don't know how and no one will help me get there. I was independent, I could cope, and the door was slammed shut with me clawing for a way out.

Yes. I know this. It is said that we need to take personal responsibility and just, "stop it". Like there is a stop button.

Funny thing, most people in real life think I'm normal. Don't see the pain. They are all fooled, which is part of my demise. No one will help me. When my emotions burst to the surface I am "having a bad day" or "going through a phase". They don't see the inner turmoil that never dies. The constant changing of my emotions. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

the internal crisis that never goes away. Yes, I know this too. Some may even call us liars, refusing to share in the hurricane of desperation and fear, the rising and falling of anger, sadness and excitability.

I've learned to be honest; I tell people how I am, usually to get a "I'll be around no matter what", or an "I'm your friend and will not hurt you" to always have it happen again and again. An endless cycle of pain. I become hooked and cling and suddenly find myself grappling for the air, drowning, running out of breath. Broken promises. Broken dreams....and I did it to myself. No one's fault but mine.

you should commend yourself for learning to be honest with everyone! It is not easy to do so. I still haven't learned that. I have a fear that people will really know how I feel. I know what it's like to know that everytime I do tell someone how I feel, it ultimately turns into them saying, in other words, "just stop it".

I hate being ignored. It is the ultimate punishment. "I won't ignore you" I'm told time and again, until it happens, again and again. Ignoring=the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. Just stab me and get it over with. Don't torture me through ignoring. Nothing is worse.

I feel the same way about being misunderstood.

I have no social skills, do not know how to act around people, am socially unacceptable in thought and action. I am trying. I never learned better. I can't learn out of thin air. No one will help me. I no longer know how to help myself. I do not want pity. I want to be shown the way. I want someone to hold my hand, tell me it's okay, help me stand on my own until I possess the strength to once again try to stand and walk on my own again.

Yes! I understand this completely! anymore though, I just want someone to tell me it's ok to give up.
I would show you the way... If I knew it myself.

I want to help people, but my help is always misguided. I say the wrong thing. I inadvertently hurt people. I offer unwanted, even despised advise. I try to buy people's friendships with money, gifts, being willing to do anything for them. They take what they want, what I allow them to take, which is all that i am, and leave. Always the same result. I've done it my whole life. They don't see my desperation or they do and leave because of it.

And always end up hurt in the end. I know this one too.

I am working nonstop. I am stir crazy, nothing to do but think, and dwell, and allow my emotions to build up. To boil over. I'm looking desperately for work but it doesn't matter. Rejection after rejection. I can sell myself on paper, be the chameleon and blend in once hired, but no one will hire me. I get choked up. I can't talk to people. I was programmed not to. "Don't tell anyone your personal problems." "You're taking on the phone too much; let's put a stop to that." I didn't know my own phone number for two or three years. How dare I try to make friends? How can I learn if not given a chance? I've been reclusive for a year. How can I suddenly show something that eeked away over a year at home and largely alone? With my reclusiveness went any pride and self confidence I had. I am only a shell of who I was before and getting worse all the time.

I moved 2,600 miles from home one year today, all due to my impulsiveness and extreme fear of abandonment and clinginess. Now I must live with that decision the rest of my life. Away from my girls and the only job I truly enjoyed in my adult life.

All I want is a friend, but all I do is destroy friendships. I smother people. They can't take me; I can't take myself. I am destroying myself. I am in crisis.

I want to ask for help, but who am I fooling? No one will help a fool, a charlatan, a pretender, a clinger, a constantly needy person. I don't want to be needy. I don't. I don't know how to stop.

I do not hold grudges. I do not seek revenge. I may have at one time, but I've been broken too many times. Now I am paranoid to the end, forever expecting the worse. Just waiting to be told how horrible I am by those I cling to. I am grasping for air and they are suffocating me. Drowning me. I deserve to be drowned. I am an old horse lying in a pasture, no good to anyone including, especially myself. I just wish someone would shoot me already. I'm never going to amount to anything. I am ready to die.

you are being understood on this thread.

A good first step, yes?

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by frippet

I am sorry you are hurting. I wish I knew why we spiral into darkness so easily. I hear your words and ache. Hugs I am here if you need me.

The spiral wasn't that easy or sudden. It has been building for over a year. First, personal issues, allowing someone in that brought the BPD to the surface. Then, moving across country. Also, continuing to try to make friends and having so many problems. And, finally, my job, working at home and the seemingly inability to find something else. Starting Saturday, I'll be working at home 19 days in a row. It has accumulated to make me a total mess. I have been in crisis, delusional, and paranoid to the hilt. I am having a much needed reprieve today. I have to just hope I can work out my job situation before I'm a danger to myself.....and I'm prepared to take action if I do....

[Maranara]

I want to thank everyone for your support and encouragement. I cannot stay on PC very much these days. I get upset very easily, quickly misunderstand people, and spiral when that happens, but I did want everyone to know that you are appreciated.

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by ArthurDent

Hugs. Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. My favorite swamp rat

Ah, Mr. Dent! It is so good to see you! You have been missed, my friend, and I came back today just to say "hi" to you! Make sure to give Ford Prefect my best wishes, and get that towel washed - it's filthy!

[ArthurDent]

Originally Posted by Maranara

Ah, Mr. Dent! It is so good to see you! You have been missed, my friend, and I came back today just to say "hi" to you! Make sure to give Ford Prefect my best wishes, and get that towel washed - it's filthy!

How about a nice cup of tea?

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by ArthurDent

How about a nice cup of tea?

(I know this has absolutely nothing to do with this thread and for that, along with the fact I'm going to confuse people, I'm sorry, but I rarely have the opportunity to be creative and have fun...so I'm taking it.)

But Mr. Dent, you know how hard it is to concoct tea out here! How about we crank up the Improbability Drive and go back to Milliways. I heard that Millie, the current prime heifer of choice, is saving a few choice cuts of flank just for you to celebrate your return!

Originally Posted by Maranara

(I know this has absolutely nothing to do with this thread and for that, along with the fact I'm going to confuse people, I'm sorry, but I rarely have the opportunity to be creative and have fun...so I'm taking it.)

It's your thread. who cares? haha

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

It's your thread. who cares? haha

I know, but it's just one of those things. I can just imagine people looking at the post and wondering where in the world I came up with that from.

Originally Posted by Maranara

I know, but it's just one of those things. I can just imagine people looking at the post and wondering where in the world I came up with that from.

I never worry about that. but then you know this.

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I never worry about that. but then you know this.

Uh-huh.....

[CazziWill]

If I were only allowed one wish right now Maranara - it would be .... that this amazing forum - amazing because of the sheer beauty within its members/and guests hearts that is so apparent - (and yes, I know, why don't the 'normal people' see it and respect it??!! I'm so grateful to have discovered this site so thank you everyone, even in your darkest hour/s please know that you've all mattered to some 'one' at the least today, me) .... anyway sorry, getting back on track with my wish....... that this forum be magically transformed from 'virtual' to 'real' and we were all morphed from whatever parts of the world we hail from in an instant to a place where we are all present in person and we get to give out 'real' hugs - the ones we really really feel, and we so crave for, that just seem to be so hard to find - then I could demonstrate the true empathy that I feel for you right now, the tears that flowed as I read your post, (that, lets be honest, are of no real help to you, in this virtual world, I know), I take my hat off to you in expressing yourself with such rawness/blatant honesty, that took courage, I especially relate to your last 3 lines too!! I wish my wish could be real for you, I really do hey.

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by CazziWill

If I were only allowed one wish right now Maranara - it would be .... that this amazing forum - amazing because of the sheer beauty within its members/and guests hearts that is so apparent - (and yes, I know, why don't the 'normal people' see it and respect it??!! I'm so grateful to have discovered this site so thank you everyone, even in your darkest hour/s please know that you've all mattered to some 'one' at the least today, me) .... anyway sorry, getting back on track with my wish....... that this forum be magically transformed from 'virtual' to 'real' and we were all morphed from whatever parts of the world we hail from in an instant to a place where we are all present in person and we get to give out 'real' hugs - the ones we really really feel, and we so crave for, that just seem to be so hard to find - then I could demonstrate the true empathy that I feel for you right now, the tears that flowed as I read your post, (that, lets be honest, are of no real help to you, in this virtual world, I know), I take my hat off to you in expressing yourself with such rawness/blatant honesty, that took courage, I especially relate to your last 3 lines too!! I wish my wish could be real for you, I really do hey.

Thank you... I don't have much to say right now....

[Maranara]

I know when I wrote this, I was pretty much out of it and I feel pretty bad and paranoid about this....but it was me. I don't generally wallow in my own self-pity and sorrow. Just going through some really hard times.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I know when I wrote this, I was pretty much out of it and I feel pretty bad and paranoid about this....but it was me. I don't generally wallow in my own self-pity and sorrow. Just going through some really hard times.

We all understand that and we are here for you.