[technigal]

I'm sick Last night I was setting up for a literacy and learning day that happened today. I didn't get much sleep and hope that is the reason I am now feeling icky. Hot then cold, nausea.... I just want to go to bed but am not able to as my husband is at work and I have our son to put to bed in 2 hours. Too bad he can tell time

[atomicc]

I cried and told my boyfriend I was scared he was cheating. Then I felt weird and hated him all day even though he's not cheating. I also kept picking fights with him.:/

[HealingNSuffering]

Today is crap, I got triggered bad last night and had a temper tantrum. I'm still bent of out shape over it. I couldn't control myself last night, I was shaking and nearly foaming at the mouth. I hate drama on the internet. Because you can't do anything about it but complain and get all bent out of shape, I mean I could call my hacker friend but I'm not that salty.... Yet.

I feel like such a failure. The things I have put my family through. The guilt the shame.

I carry this with me everyday.

How am I supposed to forget, forgive myself? I have never even admited to anyone what a ****** person I have been.

Every day my mind reminds me of how I dont deserve to live.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Today is NOT a good day. It's not that something has necessarily happened to make it rotten, I just feel like I'm rotten. I hate myself today and feel like an utter failure. I just can't shake this feeling, either. I'm trying to remind myself that it will pass- moods are transient, but it is doing nothing to fix the feelings now.

I just want to succeed so badly and have happiness, but I feel like I will never get it because I will f*** it up somehow and that I'm not deserving of it anyway so what does it matter?

This sucks.

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[shortandcute]

Originally Posted by Imalooney

I feel like such a failure. The things I have put my family through. The guilt the shame.

I carry this with me everyday.

How am I supposed to forget, forgive myself? I have never even admited to anyone what a ****** person I have been.

Every day my mind reminds me of how I dont deserve to live.

[shortandcute]

[HealingNSuffering]

Well my dreams were completely ****ed up, somebody put a gun to my head, and I twisted his arm backwards and the gun fell, then we started fighting, I was beating the crap out of him, but it was very hard to do, we were hurting each other pretty badly, then I snapped his neck and woke up in a panic. Then the noises from outside made me think horrid thoughts of harming innocent people, but I told myself how wrong these thoughts are, and they turned inward on myself. Thankfully they never made it past the "idea" and I was able to start playing songs in my head aka "changing the DVD" that was running in my head, of irrational desire for killing/death. So I guess I'm coping, going to see the T today. Going to talk about all this in gruesome detail. I keep wondering why mother is so persistent in my nightmares, usually the ones that are so horrible they wake me up, and have a lot of violence in them.

Im a freaking monster this morning. I snapped at my poor kid. I feel like a failure. I cant get a grip. I havent been this bad in a while. Why does this keep happening. The crying the raging the screaming. I need some more meds. I cant keep doing this.

I dont deserve to be here. I dont deserve to be a mom. My kids are so good and I am damaging them. My heart hurts.
I feel so sorry for them. The cycle definitaley didnt stop with me

The truth is..the only reason I dont kill myself is because of how badly it would affect them. I guess they have a better chance at life with a mess of a mother than no mother at all.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Oh Jesus, everything is horrible today. I've been in an extremely irritable and agitated mood and my boyfriend just told me he thinks our relationship lacks emotional intimacy. I feel like it's all my fault and hate myself for it. I seriously just want to fall into a black hole and never come out. I just wanna know why can't I ever have anything go smoothly in my life and be freaking normal?! I feel like I'm not good enough to be with him and totally rejected because I can't fulfill him.

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[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by Imalooney

Im a freaking monster this morning. I snapped at my poor kid. I feel like a failure. I cant get a grip. I havent been this bad in a while. Why does this keep happening. The crying the raging the screaming. I need some more meds. I cant keep doing this.

I dont deserve to be here. I dont deserve to be a mom. My kids are so good and I am damaging them. My heart hurts.
I feel so sorry for them. The cycle definitaley didnt stop with me

The truth is..the only reason I dont kill myself is because of how badly it would affect them. I guess they have a better chance at life with a mess of a mother than no mother at all.

I feel this way often with my son. It's seriously one of the worst feelings in the world. I don't have any tips on how to make it better, but maybe knowing that someone else does that- and that you're entitled to feel however you want- helps it not to ache as much.

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[technigal]

Originally Posted by Imalooney

Im a freaking monster this morning. I snapped at my poor kid. I feel like a failure. I cant get a grip. I havent been this bad in a while. Why does this keep happening. The crying the raging the screaming. I need some more meds. I cant keep doing this.

I dont deserve to be here. I dont deserve to be a mom. My kids are so good and I am damaging them. My heart hurts.
I feel so sorry for them. The cycle definitaley didnt stop with me

The truth is..the only reason I dont kill myself is because of how badly it would affect them. I guess they have a better chance at life with a mess of a mother than no mother at all.

Originally Posted by Angel of Bedlam

I feel this way often with my son. It's seriously one of the worst feelings in the world. I don't have any tips on how to make it better, but maybe knowing that someone else does that- and that you're entitled to feel however you want- helps it not to ache as much.

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I also feel like I am the worst mother in the world. I think of the damage I am doing to my son and it scares me. I have the added stress of my son being autistic (very high functioning but still on the spectrum) and can at times be very difficult to deal with. I am the adult and should deal with things better

[fjinca]

Hi BPD friends,

This is my first check-in!

I wish it was a happier one, but I had a major abandonment panic this afternoon. My sense of abandonment is out of control since my wife asked for a divorce, but I started having it about my new friends, too. I've made two new good friendships lately, both women. These are platonic friendships (I'm in no shape to date), but I've become dependent on getting texts, facebook messages, etc. from them. This afternoon I started freaking out about them getting into relationships and dropping me. Or realizing that they can't have a platonic friendship with a guy, etc.

Sure enough, I had plenty of contact this evening, but I'm still full of fear of being left alone. I'd much prefer to be able to stand being alone with myself, and not having to be so dependent on others for my happiness.

[Astridetal]

@fjinca: so sorry you're struggling. I can relate to your fear of abandonment and your dependency on your friends. Especially since yoru marriage is about to end, that is hard to deal with.

I think this is my first check-in too. I'm really depressed today. I was diagnosed with BPD about six weeks ago and this has opened the door to treatment, but after over six years in the psychiatric system, the vast majority of the time inpatient, I've pretty much lost hope. Besides BPD, I also have autism and a couple of symptoms that might be related to these (BPD and autism). I am a trauma survivor and used to have a diagnosis of DID/PTSD. I still have symptoms of htese but my therapist says they're classifiable as BPD. I feel like, well, I've just too much to work on and it's kind of overwhelming and I'm desparate.

I'm getting by, but that being said, for the most part I'm kind of withdrawing from any personal attachments here. I just can't do it anymore.

On another note, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm more bipolar with a mild case of BPD. More on this on a separate thread.

Ug I'm so mad and upset all in one. I'll say this, once bitten twice shy. No a-hole fake friend is ever going to make a fool out of me ever again.
As of today, I will no longer care about anyone who doesn't deserve it, or never deserved it in the first place. and next time I'll listen when someone gives me good advice, and I'll realize who my friends really are. but I'm not leaving just because someone tries there best to make it happen. I like where I am, thanks.
Also, I sure hope this DBT program I'm trying to get into works out soon, cuz I feel like I'm slowely losing it. I won't talk about some of the things I'm going through by my own hand and the hands of my boyfriend, until I figure out how to properly use the "Trigger" icon. but that whole situation is really not good right now.
and to top it all off, I just found out I probably have hypothyroidism (a condition in which the thyroid is under active), and will need hormone replacement the rest of my life.
Awesome day... not.

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

Ug I'm so mad and upset all in one. I'll say this, once bitten twice shy. No a-hole fake friend is ever going to make a fool out of me ever again.
As of today, I will no longer care about anyone who doesn't deserve it, or never deserved it in the first place. and next time I'll listen when someone gives me good advice, and I'll realize who my friends really are. but I'm not leaving just because someone tries there best to make it happen. I like where I am, thanks.
Also, I sure hope this DBT program I'm trying to get into works out soon, cuz I feel like I'm slowely losing it. I won't talk about some of the things I'm going through by my own hand and the hands of my boyfriend, until I figure out how to properly use the "Trigger" icon. but that whole situation is really not good right now.
and to top it all off, I just found out I probably have hypothyroidism (a condition in which the thyroid is under active), and will need hormone replacement the rest of my life.
Awesome day... not.

Im sorry your having a tough day
I know what its like to have a ****** friend as well. I had a friend I knew for 15 years. We considered each other sisters, family. She ended up talking bad about me behind my back and telling people about my suicide attempts and hospital stays. This happened over two years ago. Im still not over it.
The thyroid thing sucks. My mom had that when I was a kid. It went away for her. I hope you have a good doc and maybe even get another opinion.

Keep your head up. One day at a time, or when things are really tough as they are for me as well its one minute at a time

Originally Posted by Imalooney

Im sorry your having a tough day
I know what its like to have a ****** friend as well. I had a friend I knew for 15 years. We considered each other sisters, family. She ended up talking bad about me behind my back and telling people about my suicide attempts and hospital stays. This happened over two years ago. Im still not over it.
The thyroid thing sucks. My mom had that when I was a kid. It went away for her. I hope you have a good doc and maybe even get another opinion.

Keep your head up. One day at a time, or when things are really tough as they are for me as well its one minute at a time

Yeah I guess I'm upset with her because I've had her back through everything. She was banned from my parents house and everyone told me to stay away. She even stole my stuff and I forgave her. and now she might be hooking up with my ex-husband. I'm not mad at him cuz I'm over him, I'm mad at her for not telling me and trying to lie about it.
Was your mom's thyroid over or under active? I will be having a blood test to conform on the 4th. I'm scared but honestly in a way it will be a relief to cuz it will explain so much of my physical suffering.

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

Yeah I guess I'm upset with her because I've had her back through everything. She was banned from my parents house and everyone told me to stay away. She even stole my stuff and I forgave her. and now she might be hooking up with my ex-husband. I'm not mad at him cuz I'm over him, I'm mad at her for not telling me and trying to lie about it.
Was your mom's thyroid over or under active? I will be having a blood test to conform on the 4th. I'm scared but honestly in a way it will be a relief to cuz it will explain so much of my physical suffering.

Sounds like a ****** friend
I always have my friends back as well and would do anything i can to help. I think thats why it hurts even more. When your there and then get betrayed like that.

My moms was also under active. I dont recall how her doc treated it I just know that it resolved itself. There are many alternative treatments now days. Im a big fan of anything holistic. Maybe hormone therapy wont be your only option. Try looking at the positive side (yeah i never do either) you will feel better if you have this condition and get meds for it

[allme]

Had a kind of ok day....jumped back on the wagon - Gave into drugs yesterday

I do have the most annoying friend IRL. SO full of themselves and is so very selfish and egotistical. Their true colours have really shown and now I feel stupid for being so nice to them The funny thing is, they are oblivious to their ways and I am struggling not to point them out to 'it' (doesn't even deserve to be called a person - He is disgusting).

No wonder I stay at home usually - Some ppl are a joke

[HealingNSuffering]

I am doing the best I can today, given my circumstances, I went a little psychotic last night, it was not fun. I believe it might have something to do with talking about very triggering stuff with my T yesterday. I had a lot of anxiety, bodily pains, panicked over the pain, couldn't sleep, my thoughts were racing and changing pitch from high to low. I was doing fine talking with people, just a little distracted but when I laid down for sleep I just couldn't rest. My thoughts raced and I panicked before bed, it felt familiar because my sex drive was really high, but strange because it hasn't been in awhile. I kept waking up from nightmares in the middle of the night and hallucinated a commanding voice, he was yelling, I don't remember what he said, but I told him to **** himself then he shut up. I slept really bad last night, so I think it was just from sleep deprivation, I had low energy and motivation this morning, until I drank a smoothie (the only reason I got out of bed this morning) went on a 40 minute bike ride, and did my 20 minute workout routine, now I feel as if the sleep was never lost and my body is recharged. I start DBT tomorrow hopefully I get some sleep tonight.

Originally Posted by Imalooney

Sounds like a ****** friend
I always have my friends back as well and would do anything i can to help. I think thats why it hurts even more. When your there and then get betrayed like that.

My moms was also under active. I dont recall how her doc treated it I just know that it resolved itself. There are many alternative treatments now days. Im a big fan of anything holistic. Maybe hormone therapy wont be your only option. Try looking at the positive side (yeah i never do either) you will feel better if you have this condition and get meds for it

Yeah my DBT T told me that he felt I would go all out for my friends, and then feel very hurt/angry/betrayed when they used me and abused me. I've made serious progress in that area since 2011, but it's still a struggle.
The Gastroenterologist said if I do test positive then I'll be on shots for a while until it regulates, and then medication for the rest of my life to keep it that way.
If it's not that, I will feel upset in a way because I know something is wrong with me, and I am no longer willing to accept a pat on the head and a "it's just stress". The doctor I'm seeing seems to really get it though.

Originally Posted by allme

Had a kind of ok day....jumped back on the wagon - Gave into drugs yesterday

I do have the most annoying friend IRL. SO full of themselves and is so very selfish and egotistical. Their true colours have really shown and now I feel stupid for being so nice to them The funny thing is, they are oblivious to their ways and I am struggling not to point them out to 'it' (doesn't even deserve to be called a person - He is disgusting).

No wonder I stay at home usually - Some ppl are a joke

Remember that a lapse doesn't have to be a relapse.
I have been sober from drinking, pills, and amphetamines now for 18 months, but am still struggling to give up the medical MJ habbit.
People also piss me off something serious at times. It's like... ****ing really? and it's even worse when the person is an aquaintence or friend.
*Hugs*
Tomorrow is a new day.

Cried myself to sleep. Cried myself awake. I go through the motions with my kids and the morning/afternoon routines and when i have the chance to be alone I cry. If I need to I hide in my basement or room.
My heart feels like someone just died. The sorrow and sadness is becoming unbearable. I thought about going back to the psych unit for 3 days. They medicated me to the point where I didnt feel sad anymore. I would have gone if it wasnt for my kids. My youngest was traumatized the last time I went in. She didnt want to go to her dads anymore for the weekends because she feared that she wouldnt see me anymore. It took months of reasurring her that I wasnt going anywhere.
I keep thinking this isnt fair.This isnt right. Like there is anything fair in life. Its such a stupid self pittying thought. My mind keeps replaying things. I just want this to stop. I am taking 300 mg of wellbutrin. When is it going to kick in? I have been on everything. Every god damn thing. What else should I try? I have had so many docs just give up

When a doc gives up on you, you know its ****ing hopeless.

[allme]

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

Remember that a lapse doesn't have to be a relapse.
I have been sober from drinking, pills, and amphetamines now for 18 months, but am still struggling to give up the medical MJ habbit.
People also piss me off something serious at times. It's like... ****ing really? and it's even worse when the person is an aquaintence or friend.
*Hugs*
Tomorrow is a new day.

Thanks But I used again today... tomorrow again is a new day I guess.

Well done for being 18 months clean!! That's so cool Did you receive any help coming off them? I am calling Addaction Monday to se if they can help me....I obviously can't do this by myself