[technigal]

Was up in the middle of the night throwing up stomach acid due to stress

The good news is most of the stressful stuff is over or will be over soon. The boy has the day off school and let me sleep in until 10am! I like this age with him being so independent.

Need to get some things done around the house today. Might make some pumpkin muffins later.

[alley.cat]

I feel so so hurt and rejected. I don't understand why he won't respond even though he knows it drives me up the walls. I'm shaking. Why are things so hard right now. They were so good just a couple of weeks ago.

[HealingNSuffering]

The meeting with my new T went well. Hoping it all works out for me. I slept fine last night, thankfully and I have been pretty "smooth" emotionally speaking, today. Days like today I don't feel crazy at all. But a couple days ago, I thought I was losing my mind. I guess that's why they call it "Borderline" haha

So one member of my family is ok with me not coming up for Christmas and the other doesn't believe ill follow through with it. Guess I should use all that as motivation to keep away but gearing up for my first Christmas alone in 22 years won't be easy.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Just had a meltdown/explosion. Fml.

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[atomicc]

I tried explaining to my boyfriend how I'm in a mood again and that because of this disorder I can love him so much and yet still have days when I hate him and want to scream and punch him for no reason. I don't think he gets it but he was sweet about it. I took a xanax and I was able to not start picking fights with him for no reason cause I'm crazy.

[technigal]

Anxiety level has just hit an all-time high... sitting in the dark in the kitchen waiting for kids come and get their candy... have already had an argument with DH and my little spiderman. Need to breathe!

[fjinca]

I had a major up and down day. I was feeling better earlier in the day when a friend made plans to hang out together this evening, and then got upset when she cancelled. Then I went back up on the roller coaster when we made plans for tomorrow night. And finally way down when my 4 year old started acting up and screaming for her mommy.

Navigating divorce and all this lack of predictability is not fun. Before I always had plans (either at home with the kids or out on date night). But now scheduling and making sure that I'm not left alone/abandoned has become a struggle.

[Angel of Bedlam]

I had a fairly decent day. Had a hard morning which threw the day off and left me scrambling. Got really low come the afternoon so I switched shifts at work and laid down and took a nap... for 3 hours! I had taken a klonopin earlier to help me calm down which I don't often take because they can make me so tired. Felt better after the nap and had a fairly easy evening followed by some much needed quality time with my boyfriend, we needed it. I am feeling much better tonight than I was this morning, dunno if it was the decrease in stressors or the love making but I am happy, tired, satiated, and ready for bed. Crossing my fingers for tomorrow to follow suit.

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Had a mini meltdown on Halloween, involved some sobbing and whatnot. Been feeling depressed and rejected lately, and then my mom (who was annoyed at me for raising my voice at my partner and my partner for starting the argument) unintentionally said something that upset me and I just had to let it all out. Ug.
I'm also sick, or have allergies.
My partner screwed up the form applying for our nearly 6 month old daughter's health insurance, so resubmitted it and having anxiety about that.
I'm also sad for my oldest daughter (aged 3) because she keeps asking for her dad (my ex-husband) but he hasn't gotten her for his scheduled visitation in a few weeks.. probably cuz he's drunk.
On the bright side, my kids put a smile on my face every day without exception. Even though they also tire me out beyond belief.
Hope everyone is having a good day.

[DelusionsDaily]

I must be a lost cause...my pdoc has terminated me...even after millions of promises over the last 2-3 years not to leave me. The first clue he was lying was his lips were moving. Just hurt and pissed off...want OD on my meds but havent done that yet. And want to do it right where he will find me very sick because OD's seem miserably ineffective for me at least in terms of ending my life which would NOT be the intent...the intent is to just scare him.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by MELISSSAD81

I must be a lost cause...my pdoc has terminated me...even after millions of promises over the last 2-3 years not to leave me. The first clue he was lying was his lips were moving. Just hurt and pissed off...want OD on my meds but havent done that yet. And want to do it right where he will find me very sick because OD's seem miserably ineffective for me at least in terms of ending my life which would NOT be the intent...the intent is to just scare him.

Don't OD, you have purpose. I can imagine the hurt, rejection, and abandonment you're feeling and am so sorry that he hurt you in such a way. Remember, people's actions are more a reflection on them as a person and not on you. You are not a lost cause. If he was not as helpful as you needed, as much as it hurts, this could be an opportunity to find someone who is even more helpful for you. I'm so sorry, hang in there. Please don't let this drive you to harm yourself.

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[Bill3]

I'm really sorry that you are hurting so much. Please be safe. Please hang in there.

Originally Posted by Bill3

I'm really sorry that you are hurting so much. Please be safe. Please hang in there.

This.
I'm sorry you're going through this, shame on him for giving up on you when he promised not too. People suck sometimes. It'll be ok.
*Hug*

[DelusionsDaily]

Thank you all for your support. I figured out why this hurts so much more than I thought it would...I fell in love with him(and used the anger to "protect" myself from exposing those feelings). Oh god Im so pathetic...why do I always ruin relationships I wish I could keep?

Spent the first half of my day sobbing and arguing with him. Feeling rejected. Feeling alone. We were ok hanging out. It felt nice. One little disagreement turned into total meltdown for me. Threw stuff. Crying for hours. Sent so many pathetic messages. Ugh. I decided to get some Mary Jane. Calmed down. Cleaned up. Did laundry. Baked muffins.

Feeling numb. Pathetic. Anxious about hearing from him.
Almost bed time. Please let me fall asleep quickly .

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generally I'm doing alright but I cant' help but say once again i'm feeling quite out of place here nowadays - with the changes in members. I mean I miss a lot of the old regular people (not meaning old in age but veterans of the site) that dont' seem to come around anymore :/

[atomicc]

I'm lonely and depressed. I want to hurtful things to myself and my relationships. I don't know why I feel the need to sabotage myself. I want to have sex with strangers just to hurt myself and pretend like I'm good looking...no one likes me anymore.
I won't...I just hate feeling so unwanted.

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

generally I'm doing alright but I cant' help but say once again i'm feeling quite out of place here nowadays - with the changes in members. I mean I miss a lot of the old regular people (not meaning old in age but veterans of the site) that dont' seem to come around anymore :/

I have noticed changes too. People seem come and go here quite a bit.

I am glad you are doing okay S4.

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

I have noticed changes too. People seem come and go here quite a bit.

I am glad you are doing okay S4.

Thank you didgee

Antsy. Needing to feel loved. Feel wanted. Hate the desperation at times. Im so freaking needy its ridiculous. He was tired last night and went to sleep instead of loving me. I instantly felt my eyes well up with tears. He got upset and slept on the couch. Im sorry
I dont understand myself how could I expect him too.

I feel easy.
To wear I'm paranoid that the worst will happen...
makes sense?

[HealingNSuffering]

I was in all kinds of pain this past week, it got worse after my 2nd therapy session with the new therapist. I hate starting new therapy, I don't like revisiting my childhood Or my past relationship/ts. I started trembling talking about my ex. I don't feel like its enough time either, its never enough time, nobody has enough time to deal with me. And my fears of having a male therapist were justified, even though he is good, its harder for me to talk about certain stuff around him. I felt like I said too much, and was blabbing about some pointless crap and find myself having trouble justifying going. I've been doing a little better today, not as much pain, my blood pressure is normal, but I still lack motivation and feel like I'm missing out on life.

[Maranara]

I'm back.......maybe.

[MercilessShadow]

Feeling triggered by everything lately. Mood swings have been happening more frequently, right now I'm on a depressive mood swing and it doesn't look like it's going to come up any time soon. Relasped after 4 weeks today... and to make matters worse I don't know when, or if, I'm going to see my T again. I called her phone and left a voicemail, but she hasn't called me back yet.